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Should This Girl Leave Her Boyfriend? Yes or No?

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Should This Girl Leave Her Boyfriend? Yes or No?

Old 05-07-07, 09:49 PM
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Should This Girl Leave Her Boyfriend? Yes or No?

There's this girl who is unhappy with her boyfriend, but they have two little kids together (2 & 3 years old). He does stuff behind her back, is hardly ever around, he won't fully commit, he is disrespectful and not very considerate and she deserves better. She was my biggest crush from when I was about 15 (9 years ago) and I found her on myspace a bit over 3 full months ago. We talk 4-6 days a week for hours and we really hit it off.

Eventually (took 30 days or so before we ever even started talking about it) we hooked up and had sex and all that good stuff. That took about 19 days after we first started talking about getting together. I really fell for her hard. We have a real connection and just a few days ago I finally talked to her about maybe changing her situation and being with me, because I am willing to commit to her and I'd do everything in my power to make her feel happier and make her feel special, unlike her boyfriend.

I would give up my life for her if I had to and I think it's a damn shame her boyfriend doesn't deserve her one bit, yet gets to be with her everyday. She's absolutely gorgeous and that's not even the best part. She's smart, funny, caring, talented, creative, artistic, etc. She's my dream girl in everyway and we have a real connection. I got to be with her because I made her feel special and because she trusts me, which is unusual for her.

She simply has a lot of fears about this big of a change though. She fears it so much. Uncertainty is the biggest fear followed by unfamiliarity. She's seriously considering leaving her boyfriend, but she's really afraid to make the wrong choice. To me, staying in a relationship with someone who makes her unhappy, for years, or even months longer is the wrong choice.

When we first started talking about changing her situation she was focusing on all of the negative aspects of changing her situation to be with me, multipying her fear level dramatically than it would be in realitiy until just last night when she read a quote in a psychology book that made her more seriously consider changing her situation. It said something about how a person can become comfortable in a bad situation simply because its famililar. That jumped out at her. She wants change and she's given her boyfriend a long time to change back, but he just won't and she's tired of it and I make an effort to make her happier. She's just afraid to make the change though.

What should she do? Maybe I'll show this poll to her if the results are like I hope and it might have an effect on her.

Last edited by Slayer2005; 05-12-07 at 01:18 AM.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:01 PM
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I'm not sure what she should do but you should run away(in the other direction).
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Old 05-07-07, 10:02 PM
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He does stuff behind her back, she does you behind his back...I'd think long and hard about getting into a relationship with someone willing to cheat on their current relationship, no matter the circumstances. If she'll do it for you, she could do it for the next guy that comes along.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted by antennaball
He does stuff behind her back, she does you behind his back...I'd think long and hard about getting into a relationship with someone willing to cheat on their current relationship, no matter the circumstances. If she'll do it for you, she could do it for the next guy that comes along.
Did I mention that he's hardly ever around?

Yeah, I see your point though, but she's been unhappy with a while and has basically felt stuck with him. He brings home the money and so change is very difficult for her. It wasn't easy to earn her trust. I had to really go out of my way to do that. I got her a hundred dollar wal-mart gift card just because with no guarantee of anything.

The difference between me and him is that I'm like his polar opposite. This is his own fault. If he was good to her he wouldnt have to worry about this one bit. He really makes zero effort. She was bound to pop eventually. You can't neglect a girl for years and expect good things to happen.

Her boyfriend also doesn't put out much apparently and she enjoys playtime. So, she's constantly left hanging and frustrated, which is bizarre and a huge red flag since she's so pretty. Her boyfriend disrespects her a lot by staring at hot girls right infront of her too. She's just gotten sick of her whole situation and I came along and in comparison to him I'm freakin Romeo man.

The weird thing though is that years ago I had a dream where we were together and in love and I hadn't even spoken to her in years when that dream happened. It felt so real and was my best dream ever. The fact that it actually happened YEARS later when I never thought I'd speak to her again is just so wildly bizarre. There have been so many incredible coincidences that it's almost making me believe in signs and shit, which I normally think are ridiculous. I've just been smaked across the face with them left and right though. I brought up a whole list of them to her and even she thought it was kinda freaky. It just sort of feels like fate. I feel weird saying that as an atheist (though I'm sort of agnostic at times, but I'm mostly just against religion more than the idea of a higher being; though I do find that to be a bit ridiculous as welll).

Last edited by Slayer2005; 05-07-07 at 10:21 PM.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by bhk
I'm not sure what she should do but you should run away(in the other direction).
Why is that? Would you run away from a girl you were in love with knowing she was unhappy? Honestly, I hate that I feel this way for her because of her situation with the kids and all, but I simply don't seem to care.

Normally, I wouldn't want to be with a girl who had kids, but she's the exception. It's hard to find a real quality connection, beyond just lust. We have a lot in common too and that's rare. It's so hard to find a girl who is all the things she is. It's like finding a needle in a stack of needles.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:21 PM
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Sounds like a bad situation. Make sure you really like the kids too.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Slayer2005
It wasn't easy to earn her trust. I had to really go out of my way to do that. I got her a hundred dollar wal-mart gift card just because with no guarantee of anything.
Holy shit, man.

You're giving her these big gifts to earn her trust? You're setting yourself up for a very, very sad situation when she realizes that she can use you for things she wants while still keeping the other guy for the security of it all.

Tread carefully. From your perspective, it's exciting and your dreams come true (literally!). From the outside looking in, you're setting yourself up for a big fall.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:28 PM
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Originally Posted by antennaball
Holy shit, man.

You're giving her these big gifts to earn her trust? You're setting yourself up for a very, very sad situation when she realizes that she can use you for things she wants while still keeping the other guy for the security of it all.

Tread carefully. From your perspective, it's exciting and your dreams come true (literally!). From the outside looking in, you're setting yourself up for a big fall.
Not really to just earn her trust. I gave the gift to her because she got nothing for Valentine's Day and I wanted to do something sweet and unexpected for her. I earn her trust by being a good friend first and foremost and by being completely honest with her about everything. You see we talk A LOT, a whole lot, and I have told her things I don't tell anyone else and vice versa. So, we both have a lot of trust in each other. She doesn't trust hardly anyone, because she said when she lets her guard down she generally gets burned, but when I asked her how much she trusted me last night (not at all, moderally, a lot, etc) she said "A lot" and that was good to hear.

BTW, we were talking about getting together well before I told her I had a gift for her. It's kind of complicated to explain.

Last edited by Slayer2005; 05-07-07 at 10:35 PM.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:30 PM
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Ah, youth.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Slayer2005
What should she do? Maybe I'll show this poll to her if the results are like I hope and it might have an effect on her.
What should she do?

I think she should get an Infocus IN72 projector. With its 2200:1 contrast ratio and its almost perfect out-of-the box D65 grayscale, not to mention its conservatively rated 900 lumens, she'll forget about that boyfriend faster than you can fry a projector bulb.

Just show her this image from the IN72's little brother, the Infocus 4805 and she'll leave him quicker than FFDShow can max out a CPU.

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Old 05-07-07, 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by ChiTownAbs, Inc
Ah, youth.

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Old 05-07-07, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by X
What should she do?

I think she should get an Infocus IN72 projector. With its 2200:1 contrast ratio and its almost perfect out-of-the box D65 grayscale, not to mention its conservatively rated 900 lumens, she'll forget about that boyfriend faster than you can fry a projector bulb.

Just show her this image from the IN72's little brother the Infocus 4805 and she'll leave him quicker than FFDShow can max out a CPU.



She hasn't seen my 4805. I showed her my CRT projector though when she first came over and she thought it was great. She was like "Wow you don't even have to go to the theater anymore." or something to that effect.

This is another good reason for her to leave her boyfriend. She'd have full access to her own 9'2" diagonal theater.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:39 PM
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Giving her shopping money is a bit odd, I must admit. I don't really understand the reasoning behind that.
Being the cause of a break-up of their parents may cause the kids to resent you in the future. I don't know how their father relates to them, but if they have any kind of attachment to him you're not going to end up being the hero to them.
I almost think that she has to be willing to leave the relationship for their and her own sake without immediately moving in with you in order for you to have a future.
Sure, their relationship doesn't sound very healthy, but when there's some level of commitment (i.e. kids), it's not something one can just trade in for a more desirable relationship.
I know you want to hear people to tell you to follow your heart's desire and all other kinds of Disney bull, but there wouldn't be a guaranteed happy ending, IMHO.

Last edited by GrimTangent; 05-07-07 at 10:41 PM.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by GrimTangent
Giving her shopping money is a bit odd, I must admit. I don't really understand the reasoning behind that.
Being the cause of a break-up of their parents may cause the kids to resent you in the future. I don't know how their father relates to them, but if they have any kind of attachment to him you're not going to end up being the hero to them.
I almost think that she has to be willing to leave the relationship for their and her own sake without immediately moving in with you in order for you to have a future.
Sure, their relationship doesn't sound very healthy, but when there's some level of commitment (i.e. kids), it's not something one can just trade in for a more desirable relationship.
I know you want to hear people to tell you to follow your heart's desire and all other kinds of Disney bull, but there wouldn't be a guaranteed happy ending, IMHO.
I got her a gift card instead of a gift, because when I asked her what she got for Valentine's Day she basically said nothing and that if she did she'd prefer money over material goods. She's not materialistic at all.

Also, technically, she didn't really get a $100 gift card. I got her a scanner with her $100 gift card before I gave it to her, because she had been wanting a scanner so she wouldn't have to take a picture of her old pictures to put on her myspace. So, I bought the scanner for her with her gift card and she ended up with a bit over $50 left on the card. So, techincally, she got a gift with a gift card.

I don't see how the kids would resent me though. They're only 2 & 3. That's the most adaptable age and THE best time for a girl to make a change. I was about 5 when my mom left my Dad and I don't even remember it. I also know that I'd prefer that she left him than stayed with him only to be unhappy for years. Odds are I'd grow on the kids, because I think I'm good with kids. Not to mention I have a projector BIG SCREEN cartoons.

BTW, nothing is guaranteed. Everyone knows this, but sometimes you have to take chances in life rather than just sitting around being content with unhappiness. If you feel you have a real connection with someone you shouldn't blow the opportunity. I blew my first opportunity with her 9 years ago and always regretted not getting to know her better and getting to know her finally only made me regret it so much more and I feel I have to go all out this time.

One more thing. How could she leave the relationship without being with someone else? She has no money, no job and two kids. He takes care of the bills.

Last edited by Slayer2005; 05-07-07 at 11:00 PM.
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Old 05-07-07, 10:59 PM
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Sounds like a situation I was in once. Unfortunately, the girl in my case didn't have the strength within her to give up familiarity and security for love. And you're right, now is the time to make a move like this if she's going to ever make one. Down the line, the kids won't remember back to this age and having "two dads", if you will, will be all they've ever known.

You need to express to her that she needs to decide soon (before the kids get very much older) whether or not she plans to be with the boyfriend forever. If not, she needs to get her ass in gear now in order to minimize the damage to the kids. And if she thinks the boyfriend is going to ever change, well that ain't happening. People don't change. So basically, she needs to decide whether she can live with the guy forever the way he is now, or not. Then either act, or don't (and she should stop seeing you and work on her relationship with the boyfriend).

Best of luck to you.
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Old 05-07-07, 11:01 PM
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And let's have a link to her MySpace page.
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Old 05-07-07, 11:03 PM
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So.she.makes.poor.decisions.
She.has.kids.
She.sleeps.with.guys.she's.not.dating.

Uhm...yeah....that.sounds.like.a.GREAT.idea!

-p
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Old 05-07-07, 11:04 PM
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Yeah, we had a discussion a little while back and she sounded optimistic that her boyfriend could just do a 180 and turn back into someone she loved. She's very optimistic sometimes about things I think she shouldn't be. I appreciate her optimism though in some cases. She said she's seen people change so she's going on personal experience. I still think it's VERY rare for a guy whose changed for the worse to just change back.
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Old 05-07-07, 11:09 PM
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Originally Posted by pedagogue
So.she.makes.poor.decisions.
She.has.kids.
She.sleeps.with.guys.she's.not.dating.

Uhm...yeah....that.sounds.like.a.GREAT.idea!

-p
Well, she said she's had issues with people just changing on her, for the worst. Like they'll be one way for a long time and then just do a 180 and become someone else. This is why she has trust issues. So, I don't see how that has anything to do with poor decision making. I mean at least not ones she could've possibly known were poor at the time. It sounds more like bad luck.

She was with me because I make her feel special and I'm a really great friend to her who puts her in a good mood as often as I can. There's a connection between us far beyond two people that just happen to date. We are really good friends first and foremost who trust each other. I personally think that's the BEST foundation for a good realtionship.
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Old 05-07-07, 11:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Numanoid
And let's have a link to her MySpace page.
It's private. lol. I'd post her beautiful bikini pic (with her face blurred out) if I was her boyfriend and if she didn't mind, but I can't risk her boyfriend seeing this. lol. That pic is seriously one of the greatest photos I've ever laid eyes on. It should be turned into a poster and sold nationwide.

Last edited by Slayer2005; 05-07-07 at 11:15 PM.
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Old 05-07-07, 11:11 PM
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I'll.save.myself.the.effort.of.typing.if/when.you.give.an.update......

I.TOLD.YOU.SO!

Ok...just.bump.this.when.it.falls.apart.

-p
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Old 05-07-07, 11:13 PM
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Wow....RUN.

You really want to be the father of 2 children who are not yours...? Because you WILL be! The boyfriend must LOVE this as now he can keep all the money for himself as you are now taking care of her and the children. Way to go!

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but your not gonna find many people here telling you to go for it. Maybe Dr. Phil...?
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Old 05-07-07, 11:19 PM
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Originally Posted by GizmoDVD
Wow....RUN.

You really want to be the father of 2 children who are not yours...? Because you WILL be! The boyfriend must LOVE this as now he can keep all the money for himself as you are now taking care of her and the children. Way to go!

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but your not gonna find many people here telling you to go for it. Maybe Dr. Phil...?

It's easy to say that from your perspective. Do I want to be a father right now? It's not something I would've seeked out on purpose and I would've normally avoided a relationship with a girl who had kids, but in this particular case I don't seem to care or mind as long as I get to be with her. Even though I'm only 24 I'm pretty laid back and I wouldn't mind settling down with her. I know she's what I want and seriously have no interest in any other girls aside from her.

Let me just tell you this. When we first kissed I felt right then that I would rather be kissing her than kissing Jessica Alba. What does that tell you? And I dig Alba too, btw.

BTW, as the father, wouldn't he be obligated to help support them (ie child support) or is that only if they've been married?

BTW, I have plenty of money saved up.

Last edited by Slayer2005; 05-07-07 at 11:46 PM.
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Old 05-08-07, 12:25 AM
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I say to follow your heart... and I think that she needs to follow hers as well. While it is true that you have come along and given her something that her boyfriend doesn't, she needs to leave him because of how he is with her, not just because she has someone to support her. If she has the right mindset about it, then I say go for it. Just remember that you are taking on a huge burden with the kids. They can be great, but realize that there WILL be times when you are saying "what was I thinking?!?" You have to be ready for that. If you think that you are, again I say go for it.

You say you have money saved... are you renting? or do you own? Do you have room for kids? If you rent would your savings cover a down payment on a house? Can you afford a house? (If you already own it sounds like you are set) Other things to consider... do you have a reliable vehicle - with room for 2 car seats? If not... Get One!

My final bit of advice is to talk with her (which it sounds like you have) about EVERY ASPECT of this change. You and she have to plan out everything from when to tell the boyfriend, when to move her stuff, there will be custody issues with the boyfriend - be prepared for court costs if fighting for them is something she wants. (Even if he is a horrible father he will probably fight at least a bit for the kids.) Anyway, try to plan for everything before making any final moves. If he flips out - and he probably will - be prepared to buy her an all new wardrobe, and everything else she might have to leave behind... same for the kids. Are cars, house, etc... in both names (hers and her boyfriends?) or just in his? If so, then see the part above about getting a car for the whole family.

There are so many facets and wrinkles in this kind of thing... just try to cover all of your bases.

If after all of this stuff you feel the same, then go for it. Good luck to you sir.
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Old 05-08-07, 12:34 AM
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Originally Posted by X
What should she do?

I think she should get an Infocus IN72 projector. With its 2200:1 contrast ratio and its almost perfect out-of-the box D65 grayscale, not to mention its conservatively rated 900 lumens, she'll forget about that boyfriend faster than you can fry a projector bulb.

Just show her this image from the IN72's little brother, the Infocus 4805 and she'll leave him quicker than FFDShow can max out a CPU.
Yeah, that made me go to "Find more posts by...."

Anyhoo, this seems like a sticky situation that a 24 year old really doesn't need. I honestly can't see this ending well, get out while you can. Just be happy that you finally got to bang a hot chick that you had a crush on since you were 15.
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