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Married and Divorced People. I need some help with a report for class!

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Married and Divorced People. I need some help with a report for class!

Old 04-11-07, 11:58 AM
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Married and Divorced People. I need some help with a report for class!

We're supposed to do a report for a Healthy Sexuality class on couples that are married, and those that got divorced. And why one worked out or is staying together despite possible hardships and others didn't.

So if you don't want to post in the thread. At least PM or email me please, so I can gather the information for the report. No names or anything will be used. Just what people answered for the questions. I plan to delete the thread on Sunday evening, the eve of when the report is to be due. And please answer more than yes or no. Since the report is supposed to be a minimum of 3 pages long.

I've tried to come up with questions that go over everything. If you can think of anything else to add. Please do, thanks!

Tentative questions are...

For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?
2- When did you decide to marry and why?
3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?


For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?
2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?
3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?
4- What age did you get married at?
5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?
Old 04-11-07, 12:13 PM
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1- What makes the relationship work?

- Communication.....


2- When did you decide to marry and why?

- 27, I knew it was right.....


3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)


- same way you do with anything else - compromise.....


4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?

- depends on if I solicite information.....


5- Do you have kids or want kids? - yes.....

If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?

It's easy - babysitters.....

Last edited by Minor Threat; 04-11-07 at 12:27 PM.
Old 04-11-07, 12:20 PM
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1- What makes the relationship work?

Communication, you have to listen to your partner and then in return, speak in a way so that s/he can understand you.

2- When did you decide to marry and why?

First date, sparkage. It took us almost three years to finally get hitched but it was worth it to be sure that we understood what we were getting into.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)

The fine art of negotiation. It's all about give and take.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?

They used to but not anymore. It's important to put your foot down and live your own lives.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?

Yes we have kids, why? You want them? Seriously, our children take up a lot of our time so yeah, we have to get sitters so that we can get out together without the rugrats. Also, we make sure that we have time together daily without kids around (that's what the lock on the bedroom door is for. )
Old 04-11-07, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Julie Walker

For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?
2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?
3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?
4- What age did you get married at?
5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?
1- Infidelity
2- I don't believe in sharing.
3- No
4- 30
5- No

Last edited by Sonicflood; 04-11-07 at 12:40 PM.
Old 04-11-07, 12:44 PM
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1- What makes the relationship work?
- Love, mutual respect, communication, unselfishness, working towards the same goals

2- When did you decide to marry and why?
- Engaged after 7 months dating and 8 months engagement, I think we both knew after about 3 or 4 months of dating. I love her unconditionally and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
- Neither of us are clingy and like our space and time to do our own things, so it is easy since the other is the same way. Most of our differences are on minor things, so rarely does it become an issue. For things that become an issue, we come to an acceptable position thru compromise.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
- Rarely. We aren't really the type to defer to others opinions.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?
- Have 1 son. The first 6 months of his life were easily the hardest time for our marriage. As stated above, we each have hobbies that we like to do, separate of the other person, and we always had plenty of free time to do basically whatever we felt like doing, whenever we wanted. Not anymore. It has been a BIG adjustment for both of us, but moreso for me as I had to get in the habit of considering our son in every decision I make.
Old 04-11-07, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Julie Walker
For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?
2- When did you decide to marry and why?
3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?
1-The fact that we love eachother. These days people seem to get married because it is more convenient, or they treat it like a business transaction. Love is the #1 catalyst in a relationship. The fact that we know eachother like the back of our hands. Communication is key as well.
2-We decided to marry when I was 26. I'll be 28 in a few months. Got married because we felt it was right. Plus I thought it would calm me down, and mature me.
3-I guess we've learned to live with eachothers differences. As a married couple you have to try to meet your partner halfway. My wife hates that I smoke, but can live with it if I don't get smoke in the house. We fight every so often, we're still newly weds. There's something wrong with a couple that never argues.
4-Family and friends do influence my decisions. Especially from my brothers.
A colleage/friend of mine who has been married a long time also gives me advice from time to time.
5-I don't have kids. We have one on the way. If I could afford it, I would want to have as many kids as possible.

Last edited by leest3; 04-11-07 at 12:52 PM.
Old 04-11-07, 01:05 PM
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I fit in both categories, having divorced and remarried.

For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?
patience, communication, and affection

2- When did you decide to marry and why?
Got to the point where I felt I'd like to spend the rest of my life with this person.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
See #1. Compromise to a point, then stand ground, it's a bad idea to lose yourself in the relationship

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
nope, it's us against the world.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?
teenage stepdaughter. Patience, consistency, discussion between parents to establish concensus, announce and enforce boundaries


For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?
Married for 5 years, drifted apart, I was less mature then, discussed divorce about 3 years in, wife rejected idea. I eventually cheated on her in the final year, let her know, got the boot. She recognized it as a ploy to force a divorce rather than a betrayal, we had ceased being affectionate by then. We actually remained friends after the divorce was final.

2- What made you realize it would be better to get divorced?
I was miserable, finally sought therapy, got clear of the depression and acted.

3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?
Nope.

4- What age did you get married at?
24 (remarried at 35)

5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?
not from first marriage.
Old 04-11-07, 01:07 PM
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For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?
Putting her before me

2- When did you decide to marry and why?
23 years old, because I was losing my hair. Okay, actually because I was in love, knew she was a good/honorable person, and her parents had never been divorced.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
We shrug it off. She buys a horse without my knowledge, and I just figure that is something she enjoys. Same goes for what I do. This also assumes that money isn't tight, but when money is tight we discuss things ahead of time.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
Not really.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?
We have three. My wife deals with babies better than I. She is also around the kids more, so she is the first line of defense. If they get wild, I lay the smack down on them. We have regular activities that I do with the kids as well. As for keeping the relationship healthy, we have sex when we can, which is actually exciting because often it means in the bathroom while the kids are watching tv.
Old 04-11-07, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by kvrdave
For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?
Putting her before me

2- When did you decide to marry and why?
23 years old, because I was losing my hair. Okay, actually because I was in love, knew she was a good/honorable person, and her parents had never been divorced.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
We shrug it off. She buys a horse without my knowledge, and I just figure that is something she enjoys. Same goes for what I do. This also assumes that money isn't tight, but when money is tight we discuss things ahead of time.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
Not really.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?
We have three. My wife deals with babies better than I. She is also around the kids more, so she is the first line of defense. If they get wild, I lay the smack down on them. We have regular activities that I do with the kids as well. As for keeping the relationship healthy, we have sex when we can, which is actually exciting because often it means in the bathroom while the kids are watching tv.

Must be nice.....
Old 04-11-07, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Julie Walker

For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?
2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?
3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?
4- What age did you get married at?
5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?
1- It's complicated but I was on the road a lot. So, she decided to start fucking another dude.
2- Um, ^^^ I think balling some other dude probably had something to do with it.
3- No.
4- 26
5- No.
Old 04-11-07, 01:15 PM
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If only Bando would divorce his wife and marry me, we could both complete this survey for Julie Walker before riding off into the sunset ...
Old 04-11-07, 01:22 PM
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1- What makes the relationship work?
Our weaknesses and strengths are complementary. Together, we're a lot stronger than we are separately. We build each other up so we're better people than we were before.

2- When did you decide to marry and why?
She was the first woman who would have me. I was the first serious boyfriend who wasn't a olympic-quality jerk.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
Generally, we let it go. If it's big, we talk about it. We're both pretty easy going.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
She's estranged from her family. I communicate with mine a few times a year. Our friends don't try to influence our decisions. They sometimes provide useful information or advice.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?
No kids. I decided I was too old for kids shortly before I met her. Given her upbringing, she never wanted kids.
Old 04-11-07, 01:24 PM
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If only Vibiana would come to New Mexico and become wife #2, she could participate without being a homewrecker.
Old 04-11-07, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Minor Threat
Must be nice.....
Old 04-11-07, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Julie Walker
For Married Couples...

1- What makes the relationship work?
"If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, cause I'm not capable. I'm fucking Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life." -- Colin Sullivan, The Departed.
Old 04-11-07, 02:24 PM
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For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it? - She was cheating on me and had basically checked out of the relationship

2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced? - She was continuing to do it and felt no remorse for it and didn't want to change.

3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)? - To marry her? No

4- What age did you get married at? - I was 27

5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up? - No kids
Old 04-11-07, 03:15 PM
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I fit in both categories as well, so I'm going to answer both sides.

For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work? Being partners on everything. We are best friends. We make each other laugh constantly, but we also annoy each other. We just need to work together on issues instead of do our own thing.

2- When did you decide to marry and why? We got engaged after dating each other for only 2 weeks. We got married about 5 months later. We knew we were madly in love.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc). Mostly we laugh it off. I accept him for who he is and for his own differences in opions. I know he accepts me for who I am or I'd be in big trouble!

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions? No. We don't let our family get involved in our relationship. It's not their marriage. Friends - well, we are each others best friend - and that's who matters most.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy? I have 2 from my previous marriage and we have 1 together. Parenting is a hard task, no matter if you are on the same page with your spouse, or not. Soemtimes it's hard to stay on the same page, but we're always working on that.


For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it? I wasn't in love with my ex. I didn't have any respect for him, because I didn't get any respect. He valued his friendships and his relationship with his parents more than his marriage. He ended up cheating. More than once.

2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced? When my kids were 1 and 3 and I realized I didn't want them to live in a house lacking love and respect. I wanted them to be in a better environment.

3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)? Oh yes! I was pregnant and he came from a very Catholic family. It was never asked, it was just assumed. I was young and naive, and went for it.

4- What age did you get married at? 20

5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up? 2 from this marriage. They didn't like it at all for the first few years. Now that they see us both happy in our new relationships, they've dropped it. They are also old enough to know that it wasn't MY fault, that dad hurt mom, and that I was strong enough to give them a better life. It took them a few years to get over it though.
Old 04-11-07, 03:16 PM
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For Married Couples...
This refers to my current marriage, the GOOD relationship!

1- What makes the relationship work?

Communication, and similar temperaments. I think it also helps that I lived alone for some time, so that I am more confident about my life, and don't get clingy.

2- When did you decide to marry and why?

The decision wasn't really conscious for me, it was just that I realized I wanted him. The why is a little hard to put into words. I feel good about myself when I am around him.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)

We discuss it. We also are not joined at the hip. So, if I want to go somewhere he finds tedious, I can go by myself, or with a friend, without my husband feeling abandoned or neglected. Same for him.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?

Nope. I have some friends I might ask for advice, but otherwise, they mind their own business. Which is why we are friends.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?

It's not medically possible at this point, so not relevant. I don't think I could keep up with a two year old at this age, anyway.

------------------------


For Divorced People
This refers to a "common law" marriage I was in for ten years. I lived by myself for some years before meeting the man I am now properly married to.

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?

My role in the relationship was to clean up his messes. Things he wanted were more important than things I wanted. He had no respect for my personal property. (he put a coffee ring on the cover of my first-edition Agatha Christie, the bustard!)

2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?

When my self esteem improved, and I wanted to be treated better, I tried to work on the relationship. He didn't see anything wrong with how it was. He agreed to go to relationship counseling, and it quickly became evident that he wanted the shrink to "fix" me. I moved out.

3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?

In a way. My family influenced me to get out of the house as soon as I could, so I moved in pretty much with the first guy that would take me. Also, the cultural pressure to "have a man" was intense. Between that and a damaged self esteem, it never even occured to me that I could move out and live by myself.

4- What age did you get married at?

22

5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?

no, thank goodness.
Old 04-11-07, 03:23 PM
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For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?

Communication and trust... Its cliched but true. Plus, neither one of us are jealous people and we discuss everything. If I walk by an attractive female for example, I would say, "hey she is hot" My wife doesnt care, and will probably joke "should I get her number for ya?". I know its simple but its effective.

2- When did you decide to marry and why?

About a year and a half into the relationship. She was the first woman I could be around for more than a day and not get on my last nerve. I realized that when we were apart, I liked it less and less, to finally realizing that hey, I love her and want to be married for some strange reason. I asked her and she said yes. About 2 weeks later I was like, what the fuck did I just do?!?! She actually had the same thoughts. But we went with it and its going on 7 years now.

3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)

We just know there are things we like and dont like and its what makes us who we are. For example, my wife hates sports and electronics, and I love them. Its what gives me my space and free time from her. She loves to get her hair done and shoes. So its a trade off.

4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?

Her's do a little, but just because they help us out from time to time, and they are great people and never are judging or rude in anyways. My family are complete douches a majority of the time and have no say in what we do at all.

5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?

No kids and dont want them. I think this is another reason are relationship works so well.
Old 04-11-07, 03:27 PM
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Oh yeah... on that similar temperament thing... That includes our attitudes toward monogamy. You have GOT to be on the same page with that!

I could go into a five page lecture here on why polyamory is not the same as open marriage, or swinging, but it doesn't really matter here. As long as both partners feel the same way about the openness or closedness of their relationship.

For example: I don't freak out if Nick flirts with women online, or has porn on his computer. Nick doesn't freak out if I have porn on my computer, either.

Last edited by Mrs. Danger; 04-12-07 at 09:36 AM.
Old 04-11-07, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Julie Walker
We're supposed to do a report for a Healthy Sexuality class on couples that are married, and those that got divorced. And why one worked out or is staying together despite possible hardships and others didn't.

So if you don't want to post in the thread. At least PM or email me please, so I can gather the information for the report. No names or anything will be used. Just what people answered for the questions. I plan to delete the thread on Sunday evening, the eve of when the report is to be due. And please answer more than yes or no. Since the report is supposed to be a minimum of 3 pages long.

I've tried to come up with questions that go over everything. If you can think of anything else to add. Please do, thanks!

Tentative questions are...

For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work?
2- When did you decide to marry and why?
3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
4- Do family or friends influence your decisions?
5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy?


For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?
2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?
3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?
4- What age did you get married at?
5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?
For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work? Compromise. Keeping the big picture. Not letting little meaningless thing grow.
2- When did you decide to marry and why? I knew I would marry my wife when I met her when I was 14 years old. I "just knew" she was the one for me. Even when we broke up for 10 years and I dated others as did she, I knew she would be the one. Why? Tough to say. I don't really believe in the "soul mate" thing. She was always someone I felt like I could talk to, trust, be honest with, etc.
3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc): She states what she wants, I state what I want and we compromise and do it her way Really, communication and knowing that we are different people. Just because we are married doesn't make us one person.
4- Do family or friends influence your decisions? No.
5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy? Two kids. Why would that be a question? For us having kids is part of a healthy relationship.
Old 04-11-07, 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Julie Walker
For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?
2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?
3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?
4- What age did you get married at?
5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?
1. Because she wanted me to be something that was I was unable to change into.
2. I go ttired of trying to defend the relationship and telling her that things will work out, she didn't want to be with me anymore and I conceded defeat.
3. No
4. 27
5. No

bcd
Old 04-11-07, 07:05 PM
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For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?

We didn't pay attention to both or our many Red flags BEFORE the marriage. We saw them but thought they would go away on their own. We got to a point in our work schedules where we never saw each other and this helped put nails in marriage coffin. We starting liking it when the wother one wasn't home. I left emotionally and she was working so much she just assumed all was well but it wasn't.


2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced?

We didn't really. I probably had it on my mind more than her but she didn't really fight it. We're still good friends and there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other.


3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)?

Not for me but she would say otherwise....


4- What age did you get married at?

I was 25 and she was like 6 or 7 years older.


5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up?

Thankfully no kids.

Last edited by Giantrobo; 04-11-07 at 07:08 PM.
Old 04-11-07, 07:17 PM
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My marriage is not really successful but I'm not divorced but I'll still answer it as a married person.

1) Communication is very important, but having at least a few things in common is essential. Common interests actually give you something to talk about.

2) I was 27, she was 25. We had been going out with each other for more than 5 years so it was really time to shit or get off the pot. At the time she was much more interested in doing things together, we bowled, golfed and motorcycled so we had fun together. I was very worried about marrying I knew she wouldn't just be a girlfriend forever, so I married her.

3) Our biggest problem is we have absolutely nothing in common. I'm an activity person. I golf, do martial arts, work on cars and like home improvement projects. She is an academic. She likes to sit around and talk with her sisters about books and kids. That is the biggest problem we have had, other than the kids we have nothing in common.

4) Sometimes, but honestly neither side is intrusive.

5) We have 2 kids and that has been the one shining light in our relationship. Regardless of our differences, we always made a great team at parenting. We had similiar goals and ideals which we used to raise the kids. When one parent gave an answer, the other always supported that answer. There was no working one parent against the other.
Old 04-11-07, 07:29 PM
  #25  
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I'll answer both, I'm divorced and remarried.

For Married Couples...


1- What makes the relationship work? Lately it's been because I don't have the effort to put up a fight.
2- When did you decide to marry and why? We started dating when I was still married, but separated. I swore I wouldn't marry again. A few years after I relented but only if I were to get married in Las Vegas. In my mind it would be years before we would get that opportunity. Low and behold, a year later my husband proposed with plane tickets and a hotel reservation. While I still had my reservations I went ahead and went through with it because that was what I said I wanted.
3- How do you deal with differences between each other(likes,dislikes etc)
I'm so easy-going it's a pathetic. Nothing small gets on my nerves and it takes awhile for big things to build up to an argument.
4- Do family or friends influence your decisions? His mom and I get along real well, and I have to admit that she sometimes gets an earful from me. She really takes an unbiased opinion though, so her advice is usually good
5- Do you have kids or want kids? If yes, how do you deal with parenting and keeping the relationship healthy? Yes, we have a 9 month old son and he has a 13 year old daughter. It's been real rocky lately with having the baby because I feel like I do all the work...okay, I do do all the work.


For Divorced People

1- Why do you think it did not work out? Did abuse,infidelity or something else play a role in it?

My first husband cheated on me within a few weeks of the marriage and within four months he told me that his girlfriend was pregnant.
2- What made you realise it would be better to get divorced? Well, I guess the answer to the first question makes it obvious. However, my husband didn't want the divorce and harassed me for several months to get back together. You know that saying about cake and eating it too....
3- Did anyone influence your decision to marry the person(family, friends, etc)? No. We had been together for 3 years and it felt like an appropriate next step.
4- What age did you get married at? 20
5- Do you have children. If yes, how did they handle the break up? No, my ex-husband and I did not have any children.

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