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So ... my best friend moved a parolee in with her last week

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Ignore her. Protect yourself by staying clear of the whole situation.
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Completely accept him as a friend since he's with her.
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So ... my best friend moved a parolee in with her last week

Old 03-27-07, 01:13 PM
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So ... my best friend moved a parolee in with her last week

I should preface this by saying, my best friend of nineteen years and I have been through a great deal together. Handholding through several broken relationships (on both parts), a bout with cancer (hers) which continues in remission to this day, etc. I have tried to always be there for her, and she has certainly been for me.

About six years ago, during a time when we were estranged (ironically enough, because she didn't like the FTM I was dating at the time), she took a job working in a state prison. The job only lasted about six months, but since then she has continued corresponding by mail and phone with a number of inmates. Some of them have since been released, and she has helped them find jobs and try to settle into the community. Most have re-offended and been sent back to prison.

One inmate, however, has been a much more "serious" relationship for her. He was released last week and she moved him in with her.

I have known for a number of years that this was probably going to happen. Now that it has, I find myself so angry at her, yet so scared for her at the same time, that I am at a loss.

This weekend, the first one in a long time that I did not spend at least part of at her home, was long and lonely for me. But I just didn't want to go to her place with him there. It gives me the creeps. I have heard that parolees see everyone on the outside as a possible 'resource' when they use up whatever person they're currently involved with.

She has given this guy the master suite in her house, bought him a vehicle, and according to her she is going to help him find a job. Without ever having talked to the guy, I am still pretty sure from what she has told me about him, that he thinks he just hit the jackpot. She's too sweet on him to be 'tough' about him getting a job, and I can just see him sitting on his ass at her house, ordering her around, etc. I don't want to be around to see that.

But I worry for her too. She has a beautiful home, a successful business, and has worked hard for it all. I have seen her running up her credit cards to fix up the house for him, and I worry that she will suffer financially.

Knowing the guy's record -- he's never been long out of prison in his life -- he probably won't be out that long now. But he could still do a lot of damage.

She's pretty much told me that she expects me to give him a chance, and it doesn't occur to her that I might be reluctant to do so in the case of a guy like him. That's the infatuation talking, I know. I also know that if I were involved with a guy like this, she'd be raking me up one side and down the other. She's gotten upset about a number of the women and men I've dated over the years, but none of those were ex-cons, at least. Let alone fresh out of the slammer.

If you were me, what would you do? Ignore her until he goes away? Make nice with him for her sake? What?

Last edited by Vibiana; 03-27-07 at 01:16 PM.
Old 03-27-07, 01:17 PM
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At this point, what is your actual evidence that he is harmful to her? Sounds like you're jumping the gun in your judgement, and frankly you sound a bit jealous.
Old 03-27-07, 01:25 PM
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I would bring up this with her and tell her that you support whatever her decision is. It's not your job to protect her but a chat would be fine. She'll ned you as a resource if something goes wrong so make sure to let her know you want to keep in touch, etc. even if you don't approve of exactly what she's doing. None of the poll choices really apply.

Also, what was the guy in for?
Old 03-27-07, 01:29 PM
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What was the guy in jail for? Not everyone who ends up in jail is evil. Some are, some are just unlucky. Some are innocent. I know people who have been in jail, and... well... they're not the nicest people in the world, but they're definitley not some sociopathic lunatic. Just because the guy is an ex-con? you can't judge him based on that. Maybe he is one of the few that has been "corrected". What has he done to make you hate him? Just the fact that he is an ex-con? C'mon that's kind of shallow. You can't look at the world in just black and white.
Old 03-27-07, 01:33 PM
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This is a tough one! I think I'd be right in the same boat as you with regard to your feelings about taking in an ex-con. I'm all for the concept of giving someone a second chance, but not in my own home (until all doubts are later removed). I understand wanting to simply stay away, but I'm thinking that that's not the best idea because if/when the ex-con either rips your friend off or ends up back in prison, your friendship will have less chance of reforming because "you weren't there". Since the situation is already under way, and beyond your control to stop at this point, give your friend the benefit of the doubt and keep an eye on her (and her new roomie). If you see things turning south and you can't get your friend to see it, then tell her that you simply cannot stand to see her life being damaged/destroyed in this way and excuse yourself from her life. Don't force her to chose between you and the ex-con; once you've stated your position on it, move on. That's worse case. Better case will be that you hang out for a bit to keep an eye on her and find that the ex-con is really not the scumbag he could be. Then you won't have given any reason for your friendship to suffer and your friend will have done a good thing. Sadly, I'm thinking the second scenario is less realistic, but it is a strange world we live in. Good luck.
Old 03-27-07, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by leest3
What was the guy in jail for? Not everyone who ends up in jail is evil. Some are, some are just unlucky. Some are innocent. I know people who have been in jail, and... well... they're not the nicest people in the world, but they're definitley not some sociopathic lunatic. Just because the guy is an ex-con? you can't judge him based on that. Maybe he is one of the few that has been "corrected". What has he done to make you hate him? Just the fact that he is an ex-con? C'mon that's kind of shallow. You can't look at the world in just black and white.
A good friend of mine is a corrections officer. He says that while a lot of inmates are crazy and dangerous some got there because they had a really bad day or series of events which got them there. He didn't say that to excuse their behavior, but many of them were there Not to say they're not at fault, but things happened in such a way that it was harder for them to not do what they did.
Old 03-27-07, 01:36 PM
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You have every right/every reason to be extremely skeptical about the relationship. But that's not going to matter a hill-of-beans to *her*.

Tell her that you hope to maintain the same close and friendly relationship you've always had. Whether that's still possible depends on lots of things, some under your control and some not.

Tell her you think it's wonderful that she's found someone that she loves enough to trust with her home, her car and her financial well-being. It's only natural, though, that as her friend, you feel protective about her. She's in too deep to be skeptical, and as her friend you're filling that role for her, just as she does with your relationships.

This is a man with so many serious strikes against him that, while *her* instinct may be to mother him, your instincts say to protect yourself.

He *can* earn your trust, but it will have to be with actions, not words. Actions that show he's not just using your friend for short-term gain.

The ex-con's vested interest is in making her side with him against the world. Don't be a part of it. If she "can't hear" your valid concerns due to her entanglement, you'll have to sit back for a while and hope for the best.

Last edited by adamblast; 03-27-07 at 02:00 PM.
Old 03-27-07, 01:37 PM
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Old 03-27-07, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by The Bus
A good friend of mine is a corrections officer. He says that while a lot of inmates are crazy and dangerous some got there because they had a really bad day or series of events which got them there. He didn't say that to excuse their behavior, but many of them were there Not to say they're not at fault, but things happened in such a way that it was harder for them to not do what they did.
I agree. I'd probaly guess a good majority of them are in there for just have a bad day. Or maybe selling drugs to make ends meet (I don't condone this, but I can understand it), or something stupid, that wasn't harming anyone else. Shit happens, what can you do? Sometimes people get screwed by our judicial system. It happens a lot these days. Look at all of the people getting exonerated from DNA evidence these days. It's amazing.
Old 03-27-07, 01:41 PM
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Wow Vib, that's a tough one. Does she realize that she's aiding him? She's really not helping him by buying him a car, giving up her master suite, etc etc. She's enabling him to still be a bum and do whatever he feels is necessary to get by.

I would protect yourself and your family from this guy. I voted for keeping in touch by phone and staying away from him. Not everyone can get out of the criminal way of life. He just may revert right back to where he was and take advantage of her.

Sheesh, I just don' tknow what to say!
Old 03-27-07, 01:43 PM
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you should keep in contact with her as before, keeping your eye on his every move and be ready to make a call to the cops when he re-offends.
Old 03-27-07, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by adamblast
You have every right/every reason to be extremely skeptical about the relationship. But that's not going to matter a hill-of-beans to *her*.

Tell her that you hope to maintain the same close and friendly relationship you've always had. Whether that's still possible depends on lots of things, some under your control and some not.

Tell her you think it's wonderful that she's found someone that she loves enough to trust with her home, her car and her financial well-being. It's only natural, though, that as her friend, you feel protective about her. She's in too deep to be skeptical, and as your friend you're filling that role for her, just as she does with your relationships.

This is a man with so many serious strikes against him that, while *her* instinct may be to mother him, your instincts say to protect yourself.

He *can* earn your trust, but it will have to be with actions, not words. Actions that show he's not just using your friend for short-term gain.

The ex-con's vested interest is in making her side with him against the world. Don't be a part of it. If she "can't hear" your valid concerns due to her entanglement, you'll have to sit back for a while and hope for the best.
I second that!
Old 03-27-07, 01:43 PM
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Did you guys miss -

"Knowing the guy's record -- he's never been long out of prison in his life -"


This is not some guy who had a bad day and ended up in prison.
Old 03-27-07, 01:47 PM
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I've had friends and family with prison records, and dozens of ex-cons in my life for one reason or another. No matter how just or unjust the prison term was, they tend to become the same kind of person by the time they get out. There may be one-in-a-hundred exceptions, but basically: Prison teaches you to only care about #1 in a way you never unlearn again. You're right: people right out of prison are desperate to use anyone they can win over. Maybe they've gotta be that way with the deck stacked so high against them, I don't know. But in general, if there's an ex-con in your life, look to be used and used again.

Last edited by adamblast; 03-27-07 at 05:01 PM.
Old 03-27-07, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Lord Rick
Did you guys miss -

"Knowing the guy's record -- he's never been long out of prison in his life -"


This is not some guy who had a bad day and ended up in prison.
I didn't miss it, but it really depends on a case-by-case basis. Is this guy a lunatic or someone like Genarlow Wilson.

Also, what does "bought him a car" mean?

Did she get a Toyota Highlander for him and is making the payments? Or did she front him the money for a $1500 Civic and he's repaying her?

Overall this is way too vague to properly respond as to what I would do. It could be completely harmless or very dangerous depending on the details.

And I probably wouldn't do that myself.
Old 03-27-07, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by leest3
I agree. I'd probaly guess a good majority of them are in there for just have a bad day. Or maybe selling drugs to make ends meet (I don't condone this, but I can understand it), or something stupid, that wasn't harming anyone else. Shit happens, what can you do? Sometimes people get screwed by our judicial system. It happens a lot these days. Look at all of the people getting exonerated from DNA evidence these days. It's amazing.
I'm sorry, most people are in prison because they had a "bad day?" I just don't buy it.
Old 03-27-07, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Numanoid
At this point, what is your actual evidence that he is harmful to her? Sounds like you're jumping the gun in your judgement, and frankly you sound a bit jealous.
The only actual evidence I can give you is purely circumstantial. For one thing, this guy fancies himself a writer, and I have transcribed some of his "work." His stories all center on an inmate who befriends another, elderly, inmate, and after the elderly inmate's death, is released from his own sentence to discover that the elderly inmate was a gazillionaire who left his entire estate to his buddy behind bars. So the releasee now goes on a spree of buying and playing Lord Bountiful to everybody and is now surrounded by loving friends and family who all depend on him financially. HarperCollins isn't touching it.

However, from these writings, I am able to see several things: one, the guy takes ZERO responsibility for his past offenses. He rationalizes that since he was never convicted of a violent crime, he is a "better" ex-con than those who have.

Second, he has MAJOR anger problems and is very manipulative. He has exhibited extremely manipulative behavior toward my friend on a number of occasions, most recently around Christmas when she attempted to end the association. He guilt tripped her and she caved in.

So has he hurt her yet? Maybe not. But she's certainly vulnerable.

Originally Posted by The Bus
I would bring up this with her and tell her that you support whatever her decision is. It's not your job to protect her but a chat would be fine. She'll ned you as a resource if something goes wrong so make sure to let her know you want to keep in touch, etc. even if you don't approve of exactly what she's doing. None of the poll choices really apply.

Also, what was the guy in for?
He was in for burglaries and robberies.

Originally Posted by leest3
What was the guy in jail for? Not everyone who ends up in jail is evil. Some are, some are just unlucky. Some are innocent. I know people who have been in jail, and... well... they're not the nicest people in the world, but they're definitley not some sociopathic lunatic. Just because the guy is an ex-con? you can't judge him based on that. Maybe he is one of the few that has been "corrected". What has he done to make you hate him? Just the fact that he is an ex-con? C'mon that's kind of shallow. You can't look at the world in just black and white.
My favorite uncle served 46 months in the 1970s for drug possession. He is the sweetest, dearest man in the world. He also spent a good twenty years after his release working his ass off, bought himself a house and kept a steady job. When he was released, he didn't have some sugar mommy waiting for him. He did it on his own, other than some minor help from his family. This guy's family can't help him because THEY'RE all in the clink, too.
Old 03-27-07, 01:51 PM
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You forgot the twikoff option in the poll.

If I were you, I would express my concerns to her and see where it takes you.
Old 03-27-07, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Lord Rick
Did you guys miss -

"Knowing the guy's record -- he's never been long out of prison in his life -"


This is not some guy who had a bad day and ended up in prison.
Again what did he do? What if he lives in a state where they have the 3 stikes rule (well if this were the case he woudln't be paroled ever) or something similiar. What if he got caught with weed a handful of times, or if it's for petty larceny. Is he really a threat to society? If he is a convicted rapist, okay I agree, stay away from this guy.
Old 03-27-07, 01:52 PM
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Vib - It's not this guy is it....?

Old 03-27-07, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Vibiana
Second, he has MAJOR anger problems and is very manipulative. He has exhibited extremely manipulative behavior toward my friend on a number of occasions, most recently around Christmas when she attempted to end the association. He guilt tripped her and she caved in.

So has he hurt her yet? Maybe not. But she's certainly vulnerable.
Okay, way too many red flags going off now. If you can't convince your friend to get rid of this guy (assuming she even can at this point), then you should plant some pot on the guy and call his parole officer.
Old 03-27-07, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Bronkster
Then you should plant some pot on the guy and call his parole officer.
That's just not right. That's against the rules. You don't do something like that. I swear if somebody ever did something like that to me.....
Old 03-27-07, 02:03 PM
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It sounds like a bad situation.

All I can suggest is that you make it clear to her that you get bad vibes from the guy. Tell her the examples where he manipulated her, and how that made you feel. Tell her that it's okay to help a guy out, but not to give him any serious money. Tell her you'll be there for her if she has any problems. Keep in touch with her, in case she's too embarrassed to contact you. But if the guy is what you think he is, he will isolate her from her friends.

You've been friends with her for 19 years. You know the best way to get through to her, whether it's talking straight, screaming, or asking for sympathy for your feelings.
Old 03-27-07, 02:04 PM
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I feel for the woman in this situation having had ex-cons in my family and knowing how they can selfishly use people up over and over again. It's very hard for people in this situation to change that, and it's hard for them to stay out of trouble. I had a cousin tell me once that he's drawn to trouble. Either he finds it with no problem or it finds him...

Anyway, I hope this guy is "the one" who can overcome whatever it is that makes him this way with her help. However, I don't have a lot of faith in that happening.
Old 03-27-07, 02:06 PM
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I will continue to say this in these friends - you aren't remotely the friend you think you are if you cannot be honest with her about your thoughts and feelings, regardless of the consequences.

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