Other Talk "Otterville"

Tell me a joke

Old 02-07-07, 12:19 PM
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Tell me a joke

So I asked the pirate why do you have a steering wheel down your pants.

He said "Ayee it's driving me nuts"
Old 02-07-07, 12:32 PM
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A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here!"
Old 02-07-07, 12:34 PM
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Three men walk into a bar - the fourth one ducks.....
Old 02-07-07, 12:44 PM
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There are two women standing on the street corner. How do you tell which one is a prostitute?

The one wearing the potato sack dress that has I-DA-HO printed on it.
Old 02-07-07, 12:50 PM
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Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.
Old 02-07-07, 01:40 PM
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A woman goes to visit a fortune teller.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, ... so I'll just be blunt:

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be found guilty?"
Old 02-07-07, 01:50 PM
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Kittydreamer looks like the lady in Office Space









......
Old 02-07-07, 02:16 PM
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Subject: Christmas Golf

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf, and she said, "You'll need a sweater
Old 02-07-07, 02:19 PM
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At my apartment complex in Philly there were a few of television atennas on the roof. Two of them met up and eventually fell in love and got married. Being that we lived in the complex we got invited to wedding. Well the wedding was just ok but the reception was EXCELLENT.
Old 02-07-07, 02:20 PM
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The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yup, I got me 'bout 28 acres up 'ere on the ridge."

The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"

The farmer said, "Naw, we both get up 'bout 4:30 ever' mornin'."

The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little bitty ol' white woe-man 'bout this tall."

At this point, the lawyer advised the farmer to seek other representation.
Old 02-07-07, 02:51 PM
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Never try to baptize a cat.
Old 02-07-07, 02:55 PM
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Want a day off work?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Old 02-07-07, 03:02 PM
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Never lend your hairbrush to a werewolf.
Old 02-07-07, 03:27 PM
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Rex Grossman
Old 02-07-07, 03:59 PM
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A rich family goes on an African safari, and they bring their poodle, Skippy, with them.
One morning, Skippy goes out for a walk in the jungle and finds himself lost. He sits down and tries to figure out what to do. Then, he notices a big leopard hiding in the bushes, waiting to pounce. Frightened, he looks around for some sort of weapon and notices old bones on the ground. The bones give him an idea. Turning his back to the approaching leopard, he begins gnawing on the bones. Just as the leopard is poising to strike, Skippy says loudly, "Mmmm, that was a delicious leopard! I hope there's another one around here!"
Shocked, the leopard skulks back into the bushes and says to himself, "Whew! That was a close one, that dog was going to eat me!", and he starts off in the other direction.
In a nearby tree is a mischievous monkey. He saw the whole scenario and decides to score points with the leopard by letting him in on the poodle's ruse, so he follows the leopard. Skippy sees the monkey leave and realizes what he plans to do.
The monkey eventually catches up to the leopard and tells him how the poodle made a fool of him. Sputtering with anger, the leopard says, "That little mutt is dead meat! Here, Monkey, climb on my back and watch what I do to that dog!"
Skippy, trying to think of a plan, sees the leopard racing toward him, with the delighted monkey riding on his back. He gets another idea.
Turning his back to the approaching twosome, he again starts gnawing on the bones. Just as the leopard gets within a few feet of him, Skippy says loudly, "Where the heck is that stupid monkey? He was supposed to bring me another delicious leopard ten minutes ago!"
Old 02-07-07, 04:35 PM
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Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Old 02-07-07, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Mrs. Danger
Never lend your hairbrush to a werewolf.
They don't need one. Their hair is perfect.
Old 02-07-07, 05:08 PM
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Why does an elephant have four feet?

Spoiler:
Because six inches just ain't enough.


Wait a minute. That's a riddle, not a joke. Sorry.

Last edited by drmoze; 05-25-09 at 04:43 PM.
Old 02-07-07, 05:35 PM
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I cannot remember when or where I heard this one so it might be a joke everyone already knows. I just like it.

Bill's at the water cooler looking hung over and dejected. Frank sidles up for a cup of water and notices Bill's miserable demeanor. "Feelin' under the weather, Bill?" to which he replies, shaking his head, "Man, oh man, Frank. I got tanked last night at the office party. I was so wasted I went home and blew chunks."
Frank puts his hand on Bill's shoulder and says, "That's OK Bill. A lot lot of people here got bombed outta their heads last night." Bill puts his face in his hands and mumbles, "You don't understand, Frank.
Spoiler:
Chunks is my dog."
Old 02-07-07, 05:58 PM
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....."

He sighed........ "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Old 02-07-07, 07:11 PM
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The Boss has been worrying all weekend. He has to lay off one employee, either Jack or Harriet and can't decide which one. He finally decides that he will put it to the two employees, and let them decide.

He comes in Monday morning, and the first employee he meets is Harriet, by the water cooler, taking some aspirin

The Boss says to her, "Harriet, I am going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She turns to him, bleary eyed, and replies, "Could you just jack off? I've got an awful hangover."
Old 02-07-07, 07:11 PM
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Old 02-07-07, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by costanza187
Rex Grossman
Old 02-08-07, 05:22 AM
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Did you hear about the blonde who got fired from the M&M Factory?She threw away all the ones that said W.
Old 02-08-07, 07:56 AM
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What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothin, ya done told her twice!

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