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ASK MOJO: The Advice Column For The Incessantly Inquisitive

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ASK MOJO: The Advice Column For The Incessantly Inquisitive

Old 10-09-06, 10:59 AM
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ASK MOJO: The Advice Column For The Incessantly Inquisitive

Let's be honest: you have issues. You have problems. Where are you going to turn? Sure, you could Ask a Gay Guy. Or Ask a Straight Guy. Or Ask a Gay Woman. Or Ask a Hermaphrodite. Or Ask an Apotemnophiliac. But why bother shopping your question around to every Tom, Dick and Harriet... when you could just ASK MOJO -- the leading <sup>*</sup> advice column on the Internet!

ASK MOJO is presently syndicated in over 200 countries and 53 languages, including the Mali-Bak dialect of southern Tongo. (To the Tongonese readers out there -- dik clik ak nik nik fli, my brothers!) ASK MOJO is the only Internet website to be named both as a nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize (for continuing work in conflict resolution in Sudan), and as a "Kewl Site 05" by BuckySpits.net.

So feel free to ask any questions that may pop into mind. Remember: there are no such things as stupid questions...only stupid, stupid, stupid people.



*based on rankings determined in 1993 by Doug "Fruity" Franklin and the dedicated staff of Radio Shack Store # 1143. Radio Shack™ -- you have questions, we have answers!
Old 10-09-06, 11:15 AM
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I'm growing a beard. Be honest: Does it look bad?
Old 10-09-06, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Tracer Bullet
I'm growing a beard. Be honest: Does it look bad?
Nonsense. I think having a beard is a tremendous thing, as long as the woman is willing to help you maintain your heterosexual charade.
Old 10-09-06, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Tracer Bullet
I'm growing a beard. Be honest: Does it look bad?
If that thing gets any bigger you might have a penis to go with that beard.
Old 10-09-06, 11:41 AM
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What's the two-word phrase that connects Penn and Teller to Las Vegas?
Old 10-09-06, 11:42 AM
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Hand cuffs.
Old 10-09-06, 11:42 AM
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Did you have one of these threads before?

If so, you're doing better this time as I don't believe I ever viewed the other one.
Old 10-09-06, 11:43 AM
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What was your first job?

Do you enjoy popping bubble wrap?
Old 10-09-06, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Buford T Pusser
Did you have one of these threads before?

If so, you're doing better this time as I don't believe I ever viewed the other one.
Take a picture. It'll last longer.












Old 10-09-06, 11:48 AM
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I'm thinking about killing someone. Should I go with the crawlspace under the house or a 5 gallon drum with lime in a pit in the back yard? I'm just worried the whole crawlspace thing is a little played out.
Old 10-09-06, 11:49 AM
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but......I thought he DID take pictures....i'm so confused.

-p
Old 10-09-06, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Bronkster
What's the two-word phrase that connects Penn and Teller to Las Vegas?
At first glance, this does not appear to be a request for advice... but then the crack staff here at ASK MOJO realized that this seemingly innocuous request is actual a desperate cry for help. Help me, Bronkster is crying out. Help me!

If that's your "two-word phrase", Bronkster, let me offer you a "two-word phrase" of my own: Jesus... Christ.

No. Wait. That's not right. Who's the other guy? You know, the deeply spiritual figure, the inspiration for millions? Oh, that's right -- Fuzzy Zoeller. Bronkster, pick up the 1990 instructional video Scramble to Better Golf, by Fuzzy Zoeller. Trust me, it'll change your life. It changed mine.

Old 10-09-06, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Buford T Pusser
Did you have one of these threads before?

If so, you're doing better this time as I don't believe I ever viewed the other one.
This is the fourth in a 227-part series, "Better Know A Mojo". Not to be confused with "Better Know A Mofo", which... no, actually, they're pretty much interchangeable.

Old 10-09-06, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Buford T Pusser
What was your first job?
Male concubine for the Dali Llama. He only spoke to me once, but I'll never forget the advice he gave me that day. "Probe deeper", he said to me. "Probe deeper."

And it's as simple as that, Buford. Probe deeper.

Originally Posted by Buford T Pusser
Do you enjoy popping bubble wrap?
Yes, I do. I like to sit in my room, way after bedtime, and imagine that each little bubble represents the hopes and dreams of one little faceless someone out there in the dark night. Pop, pop, little wishmaker! Pop, pop.
Old 10-09-06, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Mopower
I'm thinking about killing someone. Should I go with the crawlspace under the house or a 5 gallon drum with lime in a pit in the back yard? I'm just worried the whole crawlspace thing is a little played out.
As well you should be. I assume that you're a subscriber to Homicidal Maniac Monthly? Check out the poll in the latest issue, page five, and you'll see that Under the Crawlspace has plummeted down to number six in the poll, well below Incinerator, Lime Pit, and Chopped Up, Packed in Ziploc Baggies and Stored In The Deep Chest Freezer.

Come on, show some imagination! Anybody can burn their victims in a Viking Funeral Pyre or toss them off a bridge... why not dress your victims up as Santa Claus and stick them up in the front yard? Or shrink wrap them and ship them next-day air to Istanbul? Or do the whole ogre thing and grind their bones to make your bread???

Honestly. You kids today...

Last edited by NCMojo; 10-09-06 at 12:13 PM.
Old 10-09-06, 12:04 PM
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Am I walking towards something, or walking toward something?
Old 10-09-06, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Charlie Goose
Am I walking towards something, or walking toward something?
Neither. You're stalking Charlie Sheen. Give it up, man!
Old 10-09-06, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Preacher
If that thing gets any bigger you might have a penis to go with that beard.
Kind of you to volunteer.
Old 10-09-06, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by NCMojo
As well you should be. I assume that your a subscriber to Homicidal Maniac Monthly? Check out the poll in the latest issue, page five, and you'll see that Under the Crawlspace has plummeted down to number six in the poll, well below Incinerator, Lime Pit, and Chopped Up, Packed in Ziploc Baggies and Stored In The Deep Chest Freezer.

Come on, show some imagination! Anybody can burn their victims in a Viking Funeral Pyre or toss them off a bridge... why not dress your victims up as Santa Claus and stick them up in the front yard? Or shrink wrap them and ship them next-day air to Istanbul? Or do the whole ogre thing and grind their bones to make your bread???

Honestly. You kids today...
Wow, I never thought about the Istanbul thing! Thanks! I'll give it a shot.

subscribes to thread
Old 10-09-06, 01:47 PM
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Which band that Michael McDonald sang in is better: Steely Dan or The Doobie Brothers?
Old 10-09-06, 01:57 PM
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It's indisputable that Lionel Ritchie's solo work is better than his work with The Commodores, and Steve Perry's solo career took off after he left Journey. The question, Mr. Mojo, is: why?
Old 10-09-06, 02:16 PM
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how big are your balls?
Old 10-09-06, 02:23 PM
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What's the best use you've seen for bricks?
Old 10-09-06, 02:31 PM
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Butt shaving... Razor, Wax/Nads or Nair?
Old 10-09-06, 02:54 PM
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Mojo, how long did it take me to figure out you wrote Radio Shack's slogan wrong?

A follow-up questions: Why did I care?

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