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Question about marriage/separation....

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Question about marriage/separation....

Old 08-14-06, 05:48 PM
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Question about marriage/separation....

My wife and I have been separated for about 6 weeks. We have very minimal contact. We decided to actually be separated for awhile to work on ourselves. Although this was a mutual decision, I have believed since the topic came up that she wanted this as a first easy step towards divorce. I do not want a divorce.

Question: I saw her a couple of days ago and she still has her engagement and wedding rings on the appropriate finger. I take this as at least a hopeful sign that she hasn't made up her mind yet, if not that she has decide to try to save the marriage. My feeling is that women take the rings off as soon as they have made a decision. What are other's feelings on this?

Discuss...
Old 08-14-06, 05:51 PM
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you know it's possible that she just likes the bling bling.
Old 08-14-06, 06:00 PM
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I would drop mine the moment I could, but I don't like the feel of rings. May mean nothing.
Old 08-14-06, 06:01 PM
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I am with Ranger I still wear my rings, i like shinny sparkley things. I may just be a habit with her and she feels strange with out her rings on.
Old 08-14-06, 06:01 PM
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Need more info. Ages? Issues? Pics of wife?
Old 08-14-06, 06:01 PM
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Honestly, I don't think anyone can guess an answer. It does sound more hopeful than not. I've never been married but my question is: when does this separation end? Is this something where after X weeks/months you get back together to talk / go to counseling? Or will she call you out of the blue and say it's over?

I would make some effort to keep it together if you really want to stay with her. If you overdo it and she still breaks it off, you know you tried.
Old 08-14-06, 06:07 PM
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I think it is a massive mistake to seperate if you truthfully want to stay together. Completely non-scientific but 100% of the people I know who seperated never "joined" (if you will).

As for the rings, I think you are getting your hopes up when they could mean anything.

If you want to save the marriage I would strongly advise you to talk to her about ending the seperation and going to counselling immeadiately, but that's just me.

Best of luck.
Old 08-14-06, 06:18 PM
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Isn't someone supposed to tell him not to move out of the house so she doesn't change the locks and claim abandonment or something?
Old 08-14-06, 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by The Bus
Honestly, I don't think anyone can guess an answer.
Prepare to be wrong, as I guess the answer.....YES!!!!

Feel pretty stupid now, doncha?
Old 08-14-06, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by spainlinx0
Isn't someone supposed to tell him not to move out of the house so she doesn't change the locks and claim abandonment or something?
What -- are you blind? Don't move out!!!
Old 08-14-06, 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Numanoid
Need more info. Ages? Issues? Pics of wife?
I am 34. She is 31. Married 9 years. Two kids; ages 6 and 3.

Issues: I was carrying alot of baggage from an abusive childhood and I allowed it to wash over our marriage in the form of neglect, disconnection, and anger. I am doing a number of things to correct these issues in order to become a better person and Dad... if they help with the marriage chances that is good too.

Pics of wife: don't think that would help my cause...
Old 08-14-06, 07:06 PM
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If youare going to work on it you have to work together you can't work on a marriage a part, iknow as someone who has been going thu divorce for 5 months and know working on it I know, try this site www.marriagebuilders.com
Old 08-14-06, 07:07 PM
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sounds like that's a lot of history. nine years is a long time.

don't read too much into the small stuff like what she's wearing. keep trying to talk things out.
Old 08-14-06, 07:09 PM
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My wife showed up to pick up our kid without the rings after one weekend of seperation. She decided that the last straw was when I got pissed and blew up a bit on the day before she moved out. To be fair she was suppose to pick me and the kid up at the airport and was an hour and a half late because she set the alarm wrong after a night of drinking. Then, after acting annoyed when she finally did show up at the airport, she proceeded to fall asleep 10 minutes after we got home. When I asked her about the lack of the bling she said it was over. I haven't shed a tear over it yet and don't know if I ever will.

I had some anger issues like you described and had gotten them under control, for the most part, in the last year. She either gave up too early or I started really trying too late.

I really wanted things to work. I wanted to have a good family for my son but I also wanted someone who acted like they wanted to be with me.
Old 08-14-06, 08:28 PM
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Jiffy - My best advice is to try to open up a dialog of communication with her. Like others have stated, 9 years is a long time to invest. Do everything you can to let her know that you love her and are committed to addressing your (singular and plural) issues. And you better be sincere and mean it. Good Luck!
Old 08-14-06, 08:46 PM
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Sorry to hear about the separation! Hope it works out. Here's some humor in the mean time:

"Marriage... is an institution & you have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sound like a nut house, then I don't know what does" -Gene Simmons

There are three rings in marriage:

The engagement ring
The wedding ring
The suffering
Old 08-14-06, 09:16 PM
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I'm sorry, Mrs.Nesbit. I hear that lesbian bed death can be a killer.
Old 08-14-06, 09:38 PM
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Means nothing, you have to talk.

I've been happy married for nearly 17 years yet I often go days without wearing a ring. Just depends on what I'm doing that day. My wife doesn't mind...she clearly know how I feel about her.
Old 08-14-06, 10:42 PM
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I wouldn't look at it as a positive/negative, because even if they have decided one way to go, they may wear it for awhile becuase they are not ready to confront NOT wearing one, and everything that it entails.

-p
Old 08-15-06, 02:57 AM
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The rings don't mean a thing in the grand sceme of things. Follow the other advice listed above.
Old 08-15-06, 08:49 AM
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How are you going to work things out if you are having minimal contact? Seems like you would just grow more apart.The marriage won't fix itself, if you aren't working together to get it fixed then it sounds like it is over.
Old 08-15-06, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Tracer Bullet
I'm sorry, Mrs.Nesbit. I hear that lesbian bed death can be a killer.
And yet, I live and breathe.
Old 08-15-06, 09:28 AM
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I took my rings off the day I left. I most definitely think that her leaving them on is a good sign since she's the one who asked for the separation.

My advice would be to go to therapy and really MEAN it when you say you're going to change. I believed my X time & time again, only to have him use it as a manipulation against me to get me back.

If you want it to last, you have to mean it, and show/prove it, not just SAY it.
Old 08-15-06, 09:36 AM
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A large part of the problem in the marriage was that I was very needy. I had a constant need for her approval, love, acceptance, etc. As the marriage started to come apart I got worse. I would bounce between, "Why don't you love me anymore?" to "Let's just get a divorce now." I was pretty messed up and couldn't give her any space to think for herself. I have realized that she needs space and time to figure out what she wants and to rediscover who she is. I wasn't strong enough to give her those things in meaningful amounts when we were together.
She also has some pretty deep issues she needs to resolve. We have both realized that the marriage needs to come second to each of us getting better. That is why there is minimal contact and minimal work on the marriage. We are both working with our respective therapists to heal inside, before we make an attempt together.
I am beginning to accept that the marriage is most likely over. I just find myself clinging to what I perceive as little glimmers of hope.
Old 08-15-06, 09:42 AM
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Whatever you do don't beg her to return to the marriage. Make sure she knows that you are willing to do anything necessary to work on it but give her space right now. If you push at all I think it might kill any chance you have.

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