Go Back  DVD Talk Forum > General Discussions > Other Talk
Reload this Page >

How do you find out what you should do with [the rest of] your life?

Other Talk "Otterville" plus Religion/Politics

How do you find out what you should do with [the rest of] your life?

Old 07-14-06, 01:30 AM
  #1  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Im somewhere where I dont know where I am.
Posts: 2,074
How do you find out what you should do with [the rest of] your life?

otterfolk, i seek your wisdom. I hope this thread can be an ongoing and lengthy discussion about this problem, because i bet im not the only person here with it -


Im not happy with my career. (and apparently neither is my sig. other)



I have had no choice but to do a lot of soul searching lately, after someone very important to me cricitized my career and work ethic. I sell collectibles on ebay out of my home full time. I dont do it "full time" as in 40-50 hours a week, i do it when i feel like it. It pays the bills and makes some fun money, but its not setting any records. It is easy, it is comfortable, it is air conditioned. I get to sit in a nice leather chair and play any music or DVD i want in the background.

Now, to some of you that are trapped in a monday - friday office job, that might sound like heaven, but let me assure you the feeling of freedom and flexibility has worn off years ago. It just isnt what it used to be. And now on top of that my significant other has made a very rare criticism of it, and i realized that she was 100 % correct. I allready felt bad about it, but hearing someone else say it outloud just drives the first nail into the coffin of ending our relationship. She didnt give an ultimatum, but by reading between the lines i knew it might as well have been.

And it isnt totally about money, its about doing something that she respects. Strippers make a lot of money, but i sure wouldnt want to date one or have to explain to people that my wife or girlfriend is a stripper, so i can understand the respect vs. money issue. Money isnt everything.

Its also about work ethic. She works MUCH harder than i do, and puts in a lot more hours to her day than I do. She [voluntarily] gets up a hell of a lot earlier than I do, and resents that. I think that some resentment has secretly been building up in her that I have noticed in some subtle comments placed here and there. Even though i make more $ than she does, she cant stand my work ethic (which is = work smarter, not harder). I dont want to bust my ass for 10-12 hours a day, i want to make smart decisions and make the same amount of cash working 4-6 hours a day.

So, essentially her point was she didnt like what i was doing with my life. (working a freelance type job, working from home, setting casual hours, sleeping till 10, sleeping 9-10 hours a day, etc..). There was a part of me that just wanted to shout "kiss my ass i do whatever i want", but then another part of me wondered to myself " what the hell AM i doign with my life, she is right". I didnt know what voice was the right one probably because of the issues in the paragraph below.

For some reason, im just not as ambitious and driven as i used to be. I guess because when you get settled in to a routine, and the bills are paid, and your more or less happy - you lose that go-getter type attitude and the fire dies down, and that apparently is a gigantic turn off to women. I am slowly and consciously letting myself ease into middle age, and not fighting back. Not working out as hard, sleeping way too much, (or much at all), not running, no more racquetball, no more 12 hour work marathons, not taking as many trips and vacations, etc.. just kind of doing everything at a lukewarm temperature . . . and it makes me SICK !!! And i can tell if i continue to do that, its gonna cost me my current relationship and that makes me 10 times as sick and 1000 x as depressed.


So have you gone through something like this? I feel like im having my own "American Beauty" moment like in the kevin spacey movie, where you realize that your entire life and existance is a watered down, semi-erect, cozier, gentler, lackluster version of its previous self. What do you do to get that edge back? The me 5 years ago would absolutely destroy the me of today in the gym, or on the racquetball court, or in the bar chasing women, or putting in hours at my job, or climbing any obstacle that life decides to throw at me. I just cant seem to get that 5th gear back... with anything, and wonder what will snap me out of it-


Id certainly like to hear comments, criticisms, suggestions, pee in her butt reccomendations, and the usual witty banter.


Discuss.
skiblet is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 02:55 AM
  #2  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 2,437
It's important to find out exactly what the problem stems from. It sounds as if your SO is bothered that she puts in a lot more ours for less pay? On the other hand you've had a good think about it and can see yourself becoming lazier and unhealthier.
Talk to your wife/GF with some enthusiasm and tell her that what she said opened your eyes and things will change. If you're sick of selling stuff on ebay all the time, get a small job that makes you get up early and wear nice clothes, and do the ebay thing as a hobby. Otherwise, keep selling on ebay full time, but turn it into a routine. Wake up with your SO, get dressed and ready, go to the gym in the morning when she goes to work. Come home and do the ebay thing. Do some chores. Go for a jog as she comes hom from work. Get out and about and keep yourself busy. Don't let yourself have too much spare time.
Your choice.
fmian is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:12 AM
  #3  
Enormous Genitals
 
Bandoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: a small cottage on a cul de sac in the lower pits of hell.
Posts: 32,789
If you are no longer satisfied with what you're doing and you want to spend your time more productively, get a new job.

If you are considering getting a new job because your SO thinks you don't work as hard as she does, get a new SO.
Bandoman is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:24 AM
  #4  
DVD Talk Limited Edition
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 6,275
If you're just looking for a bit more of a challenge, why not try starting your own little business ebaying other people's stuff for them? Other than that, I think fmian and Bandoman pretty much covered it.
maxfisher is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:24 AM
  #5  
DVD Talk Special Edition
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,224
Originally Posted by fmian
It's important to find out exactly what the problem stems from. It sounds as if your SO is bothered that she puts in a lot more ours for less pay? On the other hand you've had a good think about it and can see yourself becoming lazier and unhealthier.
Talk to your wife/GF with some enthusiasm and tell her that what she said opened your eyes and things will change. If you're sick of selling stuff on ebay all the time, get a small job that makes you get up early and wear nice clothes, and do the ebay thing as a hobby. Otherwise, keep selling on ebay full time, but turn it into a routine. Wake up with your SO, get dressed and ready, go to the gym in the morning when she goes to work. Come home and do the ebay thing. Do some chores. Go for a jog as she comes hom from work. Get out and about and keep yourself busy. Don't let yourself have too much spare time.
Your choice.

I agree. If you can make good money in a few hours on ebay, I'd keep doing that. But show more ambition in what you do for the rest of your day. Don't sleep so much. Get up when she does. If you can make her breakfast and do the dishes since you don't have to go anywhere, she'll probably appreciate that. You don't say, but do you do most of the "housework" since you're home most of the time. If she's doing most of it, but working longer hours out of the home, that could cause some friction.

Or get a part time job/volunteer with something you like so you can get up together.

Really, it may just be about filling the other hours of your day with useful things rather than not selling on ebay anymore
datagirl7 is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:28 AM
  #6  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Formerly known as "brizz"/kck
Posts: 23,420
Originally Posted by Bandoman
If you are no longer satisfied with what you're doing and you want to spend your time more productively, get a new job.

If you are considering getting a new job because your SO thinks you don't work as hard as she does, get a new SO.
This should be one of those quilted things you see in old people's kitchens.
HistoryProf is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:36 AM
  #7  
Enormous Genitals
 
Bandoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: a small cottage on a cul de sac in the lower pits of hell.
Posts: 32,789
I should write for Hallmark.
Bandoman is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:40 AM
  #8  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Im somewhere where I dont know where I am.
Posts: 2,074
Originally Posted by datagirl7
I agree. If you can make good money in a few hours on ebay, I'd keep doing that. But show more ambition in what you do for the rest of your day. Don't sleep so much.

It really isnt about the money, but it IS about ambition, and work ethic... and apparently mine is worse off than i realized, and that in turn - affects money.

It started to happen in college i guess, i slowly adopted this philosphy or mindset of doing as little as i could, to get the job done to a satisfactory condition. Or not so much do little, but do things quickly, and efficiently as possible for the best effect. Settle for a B, when i know damn well i could have gotten an A but didnt want to do the extra work for it since i somehow justified that it wasnt worth the effort.

It got even worse when i got self employed because then i was even less accountable to someone, or a boss, or a teacher or report card. I was the boss, and there was suddenly no longer any checks/balances system to govern if i was doing "enough", so i grew out of touch with that, and other things like - how much sleep is normal, how much work is normal, do you work when your tired, do you work when your sick, do you work if you dont have someone there telling you to, etc.. etc.. etc..

So it became a steady decline of work ethic/ ambition to the point where i worked when i had a cash shortage, and did NOT work when i had a cash surplus, and friends or family or significant others never understood the bizarre tempo of my work pattens, and sleep patterns. Because i would sometimes work my ass off for like 4 days straight, but then i would fuck off for 3-4 days and play video games, or poker, or whatnot.

So the meat of the problem really is ambition and achivement - and mine has gotten dangerously low in the last 2-3 years. People are starting to notice it and make alarming comments. Another part of the problem is I have sleep disorder and sometimes cant sleep for a day or two, and then have to sleep in the daytime and it messes up my schedule, etc..
skiblet is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:41 AM
  #9  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Formerly known as "brizz"/kck
Posts: 23,420
I can speak from experience to the resentment part of it - but some more detail would be better....do you live together?

My wife works 8-5 m-f - I have worked from home for the last 5 years as a contract researcher and writing my dissertation (i'm a historian) - i'm a night owl and often will end up working until the wee hours and sleeping from, say, 4am to 11am or noon....sometimes even 6am - 1 or 2pm. I'm not slacking off, but the fact that I sleep so "late" really gets to my wife sometimes, and she has resented my "freedom" as well. We have talked about it, and the only real consensus is that ultimately its really more her problem than mine. I am who I am - she knew I was a night owl when she married me, I knew she was a morning person. It sucks, but our society views people who don't keep "normal" hours as slackers and lazy. There's nothing wrong with sleeping till 10. but the 10 hours a night is not good - buy an alarm clock and use it. Or move to Spain.

The biggest issue has been that since the contract work ended and I was left to dissertating full time and making a little money here and there...ergo she's the breadwinner. but that doesn't apply to you, so honestly, i'm not sure what you can really do about it. It sounds as though you yourself are dissatisfied with your 40 year old virgin lifestyle. If that's the case, then you need to make some decisions and choose a path. Then start down it. Although you may make more money than her, I can see one huge problem: insurance/security. But this needs to be something you change for YOU, not her. If you are doing it solely for her, you will end up resenting her down the road. As for what you can do instead? how could we possibly know? That's something only you can answer. But you are young, perhaps start saving some of that lazy scratch and go back to school.

as for me, I start teaching full time this fall and have an 8am class - her resentment has turned to rather cruel joy
HistoryProf is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:46 AM
  #10  
DVD Talk Legend
 
nevermind's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Illinoyze
Posts: 10,514
Originally Posted by Bandoman
If you are no longer satisfied with what you're doing and you want to spend your time more productively, get a new job.

If you are considering getting a new job because your SO thinks you don't work as hard as she does, get a new SO.
Holy shit. That is beautiful, man.
nevermind is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:48 AM
  #11  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Formerly known as "brizz"/kck
Posts: 23,420
Originally Posted by datagirl7
I agree. If you can make good money in a few hours on ebay, I'd keep doing that. But show more ambition in what you do for the rest of your day. Don't sleep so much. Get up when she does. If you can make her breakfast and do the dishes since you don't have to go anywhere, she'll probably appreciate that. You don't say, but do you do most of the "housework" since you're home most of the time. If she's doing most of it, but working longer hours out of the home, that could cause some friction.
this right here encapsulates a big part of the issues we had: but honestly it had a lot to do with her definition of "clean" versus mine Regardless, my simply making an effort to do a bit more often worked....except for a 4-5 day period each month where it never seems to matter what I do....women are strange creatures.
HistoryProf is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:49 AM
  #12  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Formerly known as "brizz"/kck
Posts: 23,420
Originally Posted by nevermind
Holy shit. That is beautiful, man.
of all the wisdom bando has imparted over the years, that gem is right up there.
HistoryProf is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 07:57 AM
  #13  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 960
I'm of two minds about this. I think you should try to be more active and find more fulfilling things to do with your day - but I also don't buy into the idea that everyone is on this planet to try to be as successful career-wise as possible. A work until you die society works for bees and ants, but I don't think it does for humans. So many people (especially men) seem so unhappy despite whatever they achieve in their career, and I think it is because they got their priorities screwed up. If you can find happiness in conjunction with climbing the ladder in a career, great - but the most important part is finding happiness. I have ambition, but it is personal ambition for self-growth and hopefully a family someday, not to be considered 'successful' by my relatives when they ask me how my career is going at the next family get-together.
lucasorion is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 08:17 AM
  #14  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Mrs. Danger's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: With Nick Danger
Posts: 17,611
eBay sales do not offfer benefits such as health insurance, vacation pay, and retirement funds. ( Unless you are putting part of your income into a 401k?) Aslo, there is no room for promotion. Count the benefits of your wife's employment, when calculating "who makes more money".

It wouldn't hurt to get a part time job, just to get out of the house, socialize, and have a regular schedule.

Do you take care of the house, since you are home? If not, I think I see the problem.
Mrs. Danger is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 08:34 AM
  #15  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Im somewhere where I dont know where I am.
Posts: 2,074
Originally Posted by Mrs. Danger

Do you take care of the house, since you are home? If not, I think I see the problem.
actually i take care really good care of my home, and take pride in making sure it is kept clean and organized, and looking good. and that in and of itself is a part time job -

I just need to keep my goals slightly out of reach, so i keep working towards them to improve myself. It doesnt do you any good if you set mediocre goals that are easy to achieve, and not reset new ones - and when the released the xbox360 that didnt help matters either -
skiblet is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 08:50 AM
  #16  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Formerly known as "brizz"/kck
Posts: 23,420
so do you live together or no?
HistoryProf is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 08:58 AM
  #17  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Im somewhere where I dont know where I am.
Posts: 2,074
Originally Posted by brizz
so do you live together or no?
no, not technically. but she is there on a regular basis.
skiblet is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 09:14 AM
  #18  
DVD Talk Limited Edition
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Posts: 5,191
Skiblet - If you're unhappy with yourself, then follow some of the other suggestions. They're all good ones.

As an alternative... (and not necessarily mutually exclusive)

How about involving her in the ebay business, with the goal of growing that business.

Eventually, she quits her job to ebay full-time. You guys have more time together. Take trips, work out together. Get her out of her long hours for less pay.

Unless she's a workaholic and likes the "suffering" that her job puts her through.
Lord Rick is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 10:12 AM
  #19  
DVD Talk Hero
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Lighten up, Francis! (Funland)
Posts: 26,856
The following song popped into my head when I saw your thread. You may want to listen to it while hanging around while your "old lady" does the real work.


I don't know what to do with my life by the Buzzcocks

I don't know what to do with my life
Should I give it up and make a new start
I don't know what to do with my life
'Cos the one I've got just tears me apart
I can't wake up in the morning
And I can't get to sleep at night
I'm not expecting things to be perfect
But a high success rate would be nice

I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life

I don't know what's gone wrong with my life
But you know I never do seem to win
Whenever I think I've straightened it out
It becomes a vicious circle again
I can't love when anyone loves me
And I can't find the someone to love
But then I start to count my blessings
And I feel I'm getting more than enough

I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life

[Solo]

I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life

I don't know what's gone wrong with my life
But you know I never do seem to win
Whenever I think I've straightened it out
It becomes a vicious circle again
I can't love when anyone loves me
And I can't find the someone to love
But then I start to count my blessings
And I feel I'm getting more than enough of love

I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
I don't know what to do with my life
It's my life



BTW, they're on tour now and I recommend you take your "old lady". I did not but still managed to enjoy the show.
Buford T Pusser is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 10:15 AM
  #20  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,037
You sure it's not about money? Maybe she's thinking long term, i.e. marriage, kids, retirement. Would she still feel the same if you were financially secure?
GMan2819 is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 10:18 AM
  #21  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 9,446
Well,

I think it's fair to say that most of the comments here are worthwhile and well-said.

I think it's clear that the problem is your job. However, I don't think it's fair anyone to assume that more hours = more work. You said it yourself, work smart. I worked 18 hours a day, 7 days a week at my last job, and guess what? I rarely had work. But felt compeled to stay there because everyone else had more work than me (most of it I was not qualified/trained to do... and I mean stuff you actually need training for, advanced video editing, photoshopping for city-wide promotions, etc).

Either way, I was not happy, partly because I did not have any free time ever, and was expected to be on call basically anytime, partly because the job was not paying me (it was an internship in my industry), and partly because I often felt so many things in the company could be done more efficently, and weren't (and nearly all the other entry-level people felt this way, and all of us have since left the company, althoguh my leaving was due to the internship time being over).

So work can and will destroy and/or severly strain your personal life. I don't know what your job really entails, but if you can take some time off, do it. As soon as I left my last job, I started work 2 part-time jobs, was working a lot less, doing menial work, but I had a lot of free time and was making enough to make a living. Sometimes you just need a break from the craziness of your chosen career path.

I'm not Middle-aged so I can't really speak to that, but I can speak to that feeling that something is just not right. So definately try to get a break from your work, or even considering leaving your career and try something new (go back to school?), and give it a few months. Maybe you'll miss what you're doing now. Maybe you'll be happier. Either way, you'll know what you want to be doing. While I don't know if I'd ever work for the company I mentioned before again, It has increased my interest in my field of filmmaking a ton, and with more time to work on my own personal projects, I can't wait to get another chance to work in the field.
lordwow is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 10:26 AM
  #22  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Posts: 16,173


What is the real problem here? If you make more money than she does and you work less, tell her to get over it

I understand the stripper comment, but does she really look down on a small business owner as much as you would look down on a stripper? Seems a little strange.

Unless of course you are in debt up to your eyeballs and the money you make just isn't enough?

Also, it is good to keep moving forward in ANY business. If the real problem is that you have made the same amount of annual income for the last 3 years and aren't growing, that could be a problem. or if you make just enough to get by an have no real savings or ability to gain savings, that could be a problem too.

Selling things on ebay is not really any different than selling something in a retail store front. How you measure your success is in growth of profits. Grow the business or change careers, don't pay too much attention to what a GF jealous of your lifestyle thinks. She probably wishes she could live the same way
4KRG is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 10:56 AM
  #23  
DVD Talk Legend
 
AGuyNamedMike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: (formerly known as Inglenook Hampendick) Fairbanks, Alaska!
Posts: 15,093
"It's your life, live it as you wish" answer - Exactly. Give her the Heisman and drive on. If you want to change, then do it.

"When in a serious relationship, two lives are bound together" answer - If your relationship with her is important, seek a dialogue and find out if there are any acceptable compromises that can be reached.
AGuyNamedMike is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 10:59 AM
  #24  
Enormous Genitals
 
Bandoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: a small cottage on a cul de sac in the lower pits of hell.
Posts: 32,789
Originally Posted by AGuyNamedMike
Give her the Heisman and drive on.
Waitaminute, I missed the part where she was choking.
Bandoman is offline  
Old 07-14-06, 11:02 AM
  #25  
DVD Talk Legend
 
AGuyNamedMike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: (formerly known as Inglenook Hampendick) Fairbanks, Alaska!
Posts: 15,093

Heisman


Heimlich

Though, if she's not choking at the time, giving her the heimlich should have the same effect as giving her the Heisman.
AGuyNamedMike is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.