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"How to listen to Women" another tip for the guys

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"How to listen to Women" another tip for the guys

Old 07-13-06, 01:51 PM
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"How to listen to Women" another tip for the guys

Im no woman but it seems to be pretty accurate:

"Ok, first a little expectations management. I’m not going to talk about “breaking the ice” with girls in bars. I’m not going to tell you how to have a woman in every port, be a ladies’ man, or any other such dork.

I am going to tell you how to respond to a particular kind of situation, one that is particualarly important to handle well. This seems to be a deep dark secret that few men know. Even now that I know it have trouble remembering to use it.

One more thing before I get started: I don’t mean to generalize all women. Everybody’s different. I’ve observed over time that a lot of women verbally approach problems in a similar way and a men tend to fumble it repeatedly. This is just some non-obvious advice I learned from a Christian preacher. I’ve rarely heard it explained this way, and it’s a remarkably simple way for a man to get the right words out of his mouth in a sticky situation. ‘Nuff said.

Let’s begin with an illustration. What would you say?

She: “My landlord is a jerk. When I ask him to fix things, he’s always late and grouchy about it. He always brings up the time that I was two weeks late paying…”

You (reasonable but stupid): “Yeah, landlords are all that way. You just have to put up with it.”

Do not give advice.

You (stupider): “You should get a new apartment.”

Do not solve the problem.

You (stupidest): “Why didn’t you pay him?”

Do not criticize.

This is where the secret begins. Most men would have given one of the stupid answers. They seem perfectly reasonable from their point of view.

When a woman lets you in on a problem this way, the words she uses do not mean what you think they mean. Often a woman will frame a question or statement in a way that clearly begs advice or a solution. That’s just how you heard it. Remember this, she’s not stupid. She knows the answer already. There is something about the wiring in women that requires a kind of periodic verbal maintenance. She sounds like she wants advice, but really she’s going into this maintenance mode. Learn to follow the protocol.

Discipline grasshopper. When she presents you with the problem, close your mouth and think. Think about how she felt in the situation: angry that the landlord was late, annoyed that he’s lazy in fulfilling his agreement, and embarrassed that he keeps bringing up a past failure… Don’t let your curiosity about how she might have been out of work for two weeks distract you. I’d start with emotion of anger. Take a moment and empathize with her anger.

You: “Wow, that must have made you angry.”

Watch her face as you say this. Often there’s a look that will cross her face, kind of like shock and relief. You may be one of the first men in the world to actually listen to her.

She: “Yeah, I need to get a new apartment.”

Often she will solve her own problem. Really, there are three ways this can go. If she is just venting, she will solve the problem herself. If you guessed at the emotion wrong, she’ll correct you. You are still ok. You were listening.

The third option is that she will let you into a deeper friendship. The telltale sign is that she will immediately follow up this problem with another. The next one tends to be more personal.

I used to do this with a lot of girls. I don’t think it was a hot idea. Choose carefully.

Unless you are a therapist, don’t do this with married women. If her problem involves her mob-boss boyfriend, don’t do this. If you are married, realize that this seems to really poke a deep emotional nerve in women, and poking deep emotional nerves is something you should only be doing with your wife."


linky: http://willowbend.cx/2006/02/14/howto-listen-to-women/
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Old 07-13-06, 01:53 PM
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tl;dr
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Old 07-13-06, 01:58 PM
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SuX 2 b U
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Old 07-13-06, 02:02 PM
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I can't get behind that.....
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Old 07-13-06, 02:24 PM
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Watch her face as you say this. Often there’s a look that will cross her face, kind of like shock and relief. You may be one of the first men in the world to actually listen to her.
I like the definition of "listen". "Listen", in this case, means mindlessly parroting back the same emotion she's expressing. I can do that without ever listening to a word she says. Turn the game on, stare in a different direction, and just from the tone of voice and shadows caused by excessive hand movement, I can mindlessly parrot back her emotional tone between breaks in her speech without having the first clue what she's ranting about. That's not "listening". Women

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Old 07-13-06, 02:28 PM
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Good advice. Let me practice:

"Wow, spitting in the sink must really make you angry."


This is going to work wonders.
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Old 07-13-06, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Bandoman
Good advice. Let me practice:

"Wow, spitting in the sink must really make you angry."


This is going to work wonders.
Follow it up with "therefore, I will only spit under your pillow instead." See, this shows that you listen to her and that you care. win/win
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Old 07-13-06, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Kittydreamer
win/win
/win
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Old 07-13-06, 03:09 PM
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Seemed like an excellent bit of advice to me. I came to the same realization after about six years of marriage.

Although thinking that men don't get it because "men don't listen" is a little over the top and patronizing. It's more that we just don't naturally speak girl.
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Old 07-13-06, 03:14 PM
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... because we use our brains.
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Old 07-13-06, 03:19 PM
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You don't even have to identify a specific emotion, only whether it's something positive, neutral or negative. Respond with 'Wow, that's great!', 'uh huh' or 'Wow, that sucks!' respectively.
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Old 07-13-06, 03:25 PM
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"Is dinner ready?" not an appropriate answer?
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Old 07-13-06, 05:19 PM
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I'm so glad my gf is NOT like most women in this respect. When she comes to me with a problem, all she needs from me is for me to listen, empathize, and offer some advice. She doesn't turn a simple conversation into a fucking minefield.
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Old 07-13-06, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Save Ferris
Most men would have given one of the stupid answers. They seem perfectly reasonable ...
men


Originally Posted by Save Ferris
really she’s going into this maintenance mode
women


Originally Posted by Save Ferris
she will let you into a deeper friendship.
So from this article, I have learned how to get into the friendzone instead of scoring a touchdown!
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Old 07-13-06, 07:17 PM
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yep.... the last thing i want to hear is amuch deeper immotional problem... so i think i'll stick to the "stupid" answers.
Although if you show you care and offer support(without beeing a wuss) you will get ass... especialy if a girl has emmotional problems..



i hear
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Old 07-13-06, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by devilshalo
"Is dinner ready?" not an appropriate answer?
Of course not, dinner should be ready without having to ask
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Old 07-13-06, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by El Scorcho
... because we use our brains.
Yeah. We don't think with our vaginas.
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Old 07-13-06, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Canadian Bacon
Of course not, dinner should be ready without having to ask
5/5 !!
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Old 07-14-06, 05:32 AM
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Isn't that fascinating!

I learned to do that by listening to Art Bell. No matter how kooky the caller, he always sounded interested, even fascinated! It was a revelation to me. It also helps to respond with an on-topic ancecdote.

Last edited by Nick Danger; 07-14-06 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 07-14-06, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Danger
Isn't that fascinating!

I learned to do that by listening to Art Bell. No matter how kooky the caller, he always sounded interested, even fascinated! It was a revelation to me. It also helps to respond with an on-topic ancecdote.
My friend's response is always, "And how does that make you feel?"

Works 99% of the time.
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Old 07-14-06, 09:30 AM
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This is so true, I agree. Men want to solve the problem - women just want a place to vent.

Let's flip this around though for a similar problem. My experience with women is that *they* don't listen.

Me: "Honey, do you want me to pick up the kids from school?" (all I want is a yes or no)
Her: "Why, do you have somewhere you need to be? Is there a problem with your
car? I can pick them up tomorrow if you want?"
Me: "Honey, do you want me to pick up the kids?"
Her: "I guess I can pick them up, but I have a meeting so I'll be late. I hate
for them to be stuck at school for so long, but they'll be ok."

and on and on. If I didn't love her so much, I'd have to jump off a building.

For some reason, women don't take men literally. They're always looking for
some deeper subtext in a man's words.

Here's an email someone sent me, which is somewhat illustrative:

1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact
that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and
not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he
came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but
I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


2. HIS DIARY


I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.


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Old 07-14-06, 09:37 AM
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Lord Rick -
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Old 07-14-06, 09:38 AM
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You know, some of you wisenheimers are really making it hard on the poor single schlubs who post around here.
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Old 07-14-06, 11:22 AM
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Um yeah. Seems to me this kind of strategy would get you into the friendship position of "gay best friend." No thanks.
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Old 07-14-06, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Anubis2005X
Um yeah. Seems to me this kind of strategy would get you into the friendship position of "gay best friend." No thanks.
I agree 100%. When I first read this, I thought to myself "this may not have been written by a woman, but it was probably her gay best friend."
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