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Marriage Question.... Is it Over?

Old 07-04-06, 12:48 AM
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Marriage Question.... Is it Over?

I don’t know if I am seeking advice, or venting or what I am doing right now. When is it time to call a marriage quits? I am just unhappy in my marriage and I really do not think there are any easy solutions, in fact, I am not sure there are any solutions to make me happy.

I am really not a big fan of counseling, maybe it would help, I don’t know. Maybe I should try to get on Dr. Phil or something. I do not see myself as unreasonable, or overly stubborn. I think I am too much of a pushover. I never wanted to hurt anybody’s feelings or anything like that, I am sure if I just up and announce “hey I want a divorce” it’s going to be a shock to a lot of people. I think outwardly we look relatively happy.

I have been secretly sitting around and weighing the pros and cons, which is a terrible thing to do I know. It just seems like convenience is the only reason I am staying married.

1. I really do not want to go through a divorce.
2. I don’t want to be divorced.
3. I don’t think I would be happy alone permanently.
4. The dating world scares the hell out of me.
5. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.

On the other hand...

1. I feel like I cannot be my own person or have my own thoughts or life.
2. The world seems to revolve around “inlaw” events and thoughts. This is a HUGE issue. I feel that my entire “inlaw” family is a bunch of inconsiderate people. I feel like to live my life around their convenience. If I ever point out anything the do wrong, or gripe, the fight is ON. I must say a lot of item number one, is caused by number two on this list.
3. The attraction is gone...I feel terrible about it, but I just don’t think I feel it anymore.
4. We work totally different schedules, so I cherish the time we have apart, and dread the time we have together.

I hate myself for feeling like this, and I do not know who to talk to. I know I am not without fault in this whole marriage fiasco, I am sure I have annoying habits, I can be funny about stuff sometimes. I am a bit boring...probably if I felt more attraction I might be more fun.

I am very apprehensive about posting this on the internet, but oh well.. Anybody who cares to read my whining...I’d be interested in your input.
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Old 07-04-06, 12:53 AM
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No kids....almost 7 years of marriage.
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Old 07-04-06, 12:53 AM
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Do you have kids?
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Old 07-04-06, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by chrisih8u
Do you have kids?
wild guess.........no.

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Old 07-04-06, 01:04 AM
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Originally Posted by costanza187
4. We work totally different schedules, so I cherish the time we have apart, and dread the time we have together.
This pretty much killed my marriage. My wife and I had the same, "It's better when they're not here" thoughts. Not that we hated each other or anything like that, it's just that the schedules made it easier to "hammer nails into the marriage coffin".


Best of luck to you.
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Old 07-04-06, 01:13 AM
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Counseling would be the best bet, give it a chance and see what happens....what do you have to lose?
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Old 07-04-06, 01:41 AM
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Marriage is a roller coaster. There are many peaks and valleys, with times of low or no attraction to each other and periods of hate. For some reason, the 7 year mark is pure hell. It was for my wife and I as well. If I could tell you why this happens and how to avoid it, I would probably own the internet by now.

Here are a few things I have discovered about marriage that help me to cope with all of the tribulations. Marriage is not a bout love or attraction, it is about a partnership. It is two people working together for the betterment of the family or couple.

Yes, two people, whixh brings me to the in-law part. Just because you are married does not mean you have to be a part of the whole family, in fact, you do not even have to like your in-laws. It is abonus if you are lucky enough to have understanding in-laws who know when to stay out of your relationship, but not a necessity for successful marriage. The sooner you begin to seperate from your birth families and begin your traditions and independent lives, the happier you both will be.

You have to force yourself to be your own person and have your own thoughts. It is not easy at first, but you will feel much better when you do. Until, you can do this, it will not matter who you are with, you will not be happy. Do not be afraid to express your opinions and stick-up for yourself. If you do not, no one else will do it for you. These actions will be met with anger and resentment at first, but over time ( a lot shorter than you may think), people will accept the new you. If not, then you will feel comfortable in knowing that you may not be in the ideal relationshp and divorce may be your only answer.

I would not throw away 7 years of my life because of a lack of attraction or imposing in-laws. You would be allowing other people to control your life and happiness. You just need to find who you really are and allow that person to shine in the relationship. If all you get is resentment and pain for being yourself, then you will know what the best avenue is.

I would also suggest a book entitled, Declare yourself: Discovering the me in ralationships, by John Narciso. It is excellent book.

On a personal note, I felt just as you do, and sometimes I still do. I have been married for almost 18 years and we have three children. It is tough and never gets any easier, but there is a certain self satisfaction with creating and maintaining a successful relationship with your spouse. Stay the course and try to make it work. As long as you are still questioning whether or not to get a divorce, there is still hope for your relationship. You will know when it is over.
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Old 07-04-06, 04:53 AM
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Best solution IMO? Talk to the other half about it.

You don't have to look at it from an approach of "I want a divorce - convince me to stay", but just talk to her and let her know some of how you feel.

You're obviously fairly close to calling it quits (using words like fiasco and 'dreading the time you have together'), so talking to her probably isn't the worst idea.

The other thing I would suggest (and this suggestion really comes down to "do you have much money?") is to take you and the other half and just get away from your regular lives for a couple of weeks. Go someplace where you don't have "normal life" interrupting you.

Take unpaid leave if that's what it takes. Even if it's a little costly, remember that it's probably cheaper than the lawyer's fees.

I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."

I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."

That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape
Who knows - perhaps you *might* actually rediscover the person she is.
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Old 07-04-06, 05:47 AM
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Whatever it is, make sure your Dr. Phil is not our Phil L.
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Old 07-04-06, 06:19 AM
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sounds over to me.
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Old 07-04-06, 07:33 AM
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I agree - get counseling, even if just for yourself. What do you have to lose?

Even if you decide to leave, the counseling first will make it easier.

Marriage should be more than a partnership - it should be you and her against the world. If you're going to make this work, you'll probably both have to move away from your inlaws, and make a life for yourselves. If she can't or won't do that, it's over.

Get counseling. It can't hurt, and it'll help in so many ways.
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Old 07-04-06, 07:45 AM
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I am currently in a similar situation, except it is my wife who is having your feelings. We are currently separated and both attending solo counseling. We both have our own issues to work on before we can consider working on us. A majority of our problems were brought about by old wounds being reopened. It sucks, but I am still hopeful.
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Old 07-04-06, 08:07 AM
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With my brother who is newly married, i feel what you are going through. Everyone in my family since before we can remember gets married old to young women. My brother is 31, his wife 19. My dad was 30 and my mom 17 when they got married. Im 28 so my times is almost up too! But since we marry old, we've seen a lot of relationship problems happen through various couples in our lives so we're pretty much ready for all the possible outcomes.

The situation with the in-laws is one ive seen one too many times. You need to stand your ground, but not in a demeaning fashion. What you need to do is sit her down, tell her that you've been quietly taking everything thats happened so far in stride, but you've reached your limit. You want things to change because you're unhappy, and how can you love someone when you cant even be happy yourself. Its not fair to her or you. If shes just going to fight about it, well, thats when the pimp hand must be strong! I am kidding about that (or am i?!), but you need to know what battles CAN be won and which ones cant. If you come to a point where you realise no matter what you say or do, she will not change, then tell her you're thinking of getting a divorce, as it isnt healthy for you to be in such a unhappy relationship and hope she will wake up from it. If she still doesnt, then i dont know what more you need to see that you should leave and not look back.

Obviously the best thing would be for her to change, but after 7 years, it is quite difficult. Im sure you arent superman to her in a lot of regards to, so maybe a mutual talk to see where you guys are at will at least get the ball rolling. Its never one sided, perhaps shes also unhappy and would like a resolve? I just realise a lot of women marry men to change them/sculpt them into what they want, and not what the guy is. That is a big problem and since you seem the softy type, she has been getting away with a lot and is comfy with it.

I hope it all works out well, and dont be afraid AT ALL to speak on what you feel inside of you. Only you can truely change the outcome of what is happening, and i hope it all works out well.
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Old 07-04-06, 08:58 AM
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I can definitely appreciate the problem with in-laws making you crazy, Costanza. Have you two had the opportunity to just take a vacation and get away from town, away from family, away from responsibilities...just the two of you?

I have found that it can help tremendously to do that, and remind you why you fell in love in the first place. Sometimes you can forget that you and her actually do "click" together when you're not burdened with work and family B.S. weighing down on you. If you're alone together without any outside interference for more than a few days, and still find that you simply feel nothing for her, then I would pursue counseling right away.

I think that mseang made some excellent points...it's a partnership, and a lot of the time it's really hard to do. A lot of people are in love with the thought of "being in love", the exhiliration of finding someone who makes your heart race and you can't get out of your mind. But relationships can't really stay that way for very long. Things get difficult, fights happen, etc. etc.

I really wish you well and I hope that you can try a few of the suggestions here before calling it quits. I think getting away alone together could tell you a lot though, for better or for worse.
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Old 07-04-06, 09:28 AM
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Thanks to everybody for their input so far, I appreciate people reading my longwinded rant.

I think one thing that has me so upset is the "vacation thing"... We have NO opportunity to do stuff as a couple because when we have time off together, it involves inlaw trips. Believe me... the world rotates around the inlaws and their town. (I am hesitant to reveal too many specifics, on the offbeat chance somebody here might actually know us, and word get back I've been posting this on the 'net). We have tried moving away.... that just meant LONGER drives back to see the inlaws for all their functions.

Let me tell you what kind of people the inlaws are. Right now we live about 2 hours away... used to live 4+.

They WILL NOT come to visit us. It is completely out of the question. I do not know if the road just runs one way or not, but they are (in my opinion) too cheap and lazy to do it. They do however want us to come to all the time.

My nephew (inlaw) had a swim meet, 20 miles from our house.... now when it's something like a swim meet.... the whole family comes, they even took 2 cars to THIS event. They would not even drive the extra 20 miles to come see our place, to come visit. WE had to drive the 20 miles to come visit with them (and pretty much blow 2 days because it was a Sat AND Sun event). They do not have the courtesy to come see the new place we live. I find it a bit rude and somewhat insulting they wouldn't even do that.

The whole cat delima from a few months ago.... caused by guess who.....Inlaws. (the "perfectly nice cat" that was going to be put down if WE didn't take it. They couldn't keep it because of their son's allergies.) This is the ONLY cat these people have ever had.

Come to find out....the one who gave us the cat just happened to mention several months earlier to somebody else that they had to rip up the carpeting in their son's room, and the room still smelled of cat pee during certain weather. They thinking of selling their house............SO they give us some BS story about son's allergies is why they are getting rid of the cat. So we take the cat, and he starts peeing in our floor and they are all "I had no idea" blah blah. BULLSHIT! I found out she was lying through her teeth.
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Old 07-04-06, 09:42 AM
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Why do you have to go to all these in-law events? Is it your wife that is demanding these visits? Would she feel guilty if she didn't go?

I would talk to her about this- it seems to be the biggest issue. If it's either she starts sticking up for herself or gets divorced...

Although if she sees no problem with the in-law situation you're probably out of luck.
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Old 07-04-06, 09:43 AM
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Dude, take it from someone who has put up with the in-laws from hell, sit your wife down and say these words to her "honey, I love you but your family is destroying our marriage". Go from there. Tell her that if they don't stop what they're donig to you both that they are going to tear you two appart. Then ask her if she'd simply be happier moving in with them. If she's always taking their side on shit anyway then tell her to pack up her shit and go move in with them.

It took me years to deprogram my husband and we've been together 12-1/2 years now. Also, my in laws never come to visit either and it's great. They don't want to come to your place? Great!! Stop going to see them. Put your foot down and just say "oh, yeah, sorry, we've had plans for that day for 3 weeks now and we can't break them". They bug you as to what those plans are then it's "oh, yeah, just some plans of ours that are personal". Then drop it and move on. It may take a year but if you put your foot down now and stay unitied with your wife on this, you can break the cycle of how they treat you.

This is how I deal with mine but I'm very passive/agressive and also a total bitch so this sort of thing works well for me.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 07-04-06, 09:45 AM
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For what its worth rather than list pros and cons of staying married I'd suggest a different approach.

Sit down and think what would be the ideal situation for you. That could be a painless divorce followed by you meeting and falling in love with the perfect partner the following day. Or maybe it would be resolving the issues with your spouse and dumping the in-laws.

Whatever it is I think you need to be clear what your ideal solution is. Then once you're clear on that you can start thinking about how to achieve it. The Pros and Cons you list are interesting but I couldn't make a recommendation without knowing how you'd weight the respective issues. Its in that weighting that you'll find your ideal solution.

The ideal solution may not be achievable, probably isn't. But knowing what you want enables you to determine the best course of action.
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Old 07-04-06, 10:01 AM
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When you mentioned that when you try to talk to her about the in-law issue and the fight is "on", I wonder how much of it is her feeling "obligated" versus how you are not being "understanding". My guess would feel it's more the former.

She possibly feels trapped by her parents and is aggravated herself by having to do all of this crap, but doesn't want to appear to be a "bad" daughter so she does it without question. Her parents know this and take advantage of it to the fullest. When you want to talk about it the nerve in her is struck and she lashes out at you for even bringing it up.

And let me guess: If you even bring up the issue of getting counseling, she'll probably respond with "Look, if you want a divorce, just say so!" instead of rationally discussing the problem?
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Old 07-04-06, 10:38 AM
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Your fight is with the inlaws, initially. If your wife can't handle you being more important than your inlaws, and you can't find a way to get along with them, there isn't much hope.

The 7 year mark was rough, however. Not sure why, but it was.
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Old 07-04-06, 01:38 PM
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Our most major of fights are centered around inlaws, there is no doubt about it. I see some TERRIBLE times ahead in that respect.... considering this weekend is my mother inlaws birthday party. Not as if we weren't there a couple weeks ago already. I will go, and not cause a scene....but there are already talks of "taking a nephew back with us to stay a week".... and I would get to take him back at the end of the week. I don't have anything against the kid, but I am so sick of being an inlaw buttmonkey. Not only would I get to babysit for a week (because I AM THE ONE OFF WORK), I would get to make yet another 2 hour trip. They are not considerate enough if they did get a free babysitter for a week to make the 2 hour drive themselves to come get him.

I am not really one for ultimatums, I really hesitate to initiate something like that unless I am COMPLETELY prepared to follow through with it.

I used to want to go to that "Moral Court" show, or Dr. Phil or something about these inlaw issues... but the bottom line is it would not matter if Dr. Phil, or God himself said "these people are clearly wrong and taking full advantage of you", it would not make a bit of difference.
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Old 07-04-06, 02:17 PM
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Wow, lots of issues, but IMHO...nothing that can't be worked out if you really want to. However, your wife has to want to as well.

1. Try to stick to the positive when "confronting" your wife. Try things like "I've really missed you lately...I think we should plan a trip just you and it". Then hopefully while that trip is going so well, tell her how much you love her and want to make this an annual event. I highly recommend setting a date once or twice a year that you always stick to. Once you both have it "on the books" you both can look forward to it, plan for it etc. I really believe setting a regular date it important.

2. Even if you can't travel, why not set date nights? Again set a regular date, go out to a nice diner, movie, play, club...whatever. Again set the date for you both to look forward to, plan, etc.

3. In laws can be tough. Right now we live within 4 house of my parents and I know at times it is hard on my wife. So I try to help set boundaries. You inlaws should respect those boundaries. And if you are approached to babysit, just look them straight in the eye and say "hey that would be great. I have plans on Friday night so what time should I expect you to pick them up??". That is not rude or inconsiderate.

4. Yes, you should talk to your wife. But IMHO the 1st serious talk should not be about divorce, but on how you can feel closer to her. That you miss her, etc. And see where that leads.

Different schedules is hard, but not impossible. I travel a lot for work. Not only on number of trips, but sometimes actually gone 3-4 weeks without being about to come home. So again, set some guidelines.
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Old 07-04-06, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Kittydreamer
Dude, take it from someone who has put up with the in-laws from hell, sit your wife down and say these words to her "honey, I love you but your family is destroying our marriage". Go from there. Tell her that if they don't stop what they're donig to you both that they are going to tear you two appart. Then ask her if she'd simply be happier moving in with them. If she's always taking their side on shit anyway then tell her to pack up her shit and go move in with them.

It took me years to deprogram my husband and we've been together 12-1/2 years now. Also, my in laws never come to visit either and it's great. They don't want to come to your place? Great!! Stop going to see them. Put your foot down and just say "oh, yeah, sorry, we've had plans for that day for 3 weeks now and we can't break them". They bug you as to what those plans are then it's "oh, yeah, just some plans of ours that are personal". Then drop it and move on. It may take a year but if you put your foot down now and stay unitied with your wife on this, you can break the cycle of how they treat you.

This is how I deal with mine but I'm very passive/agressive and also a total bitch so this sort of thing works well for me.

Best of luck to you.
I think great minds think alike Kitty!!! I cannot stand my inlaws. Me and my wife have been married for 9 years now and at first, everything was about going to their house for everything. X-mas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, EVERYTHING!!! They would not come to our house. After about two years I pretty much got fed up and stopped going. I could get into everything that I hate about my in-laws, but I won't because there is to much I'll just say that w/ my attitude, I do what I want and say pretty much what I want. My wife would be pissed each time, but she got used to it, because I basically told her I wasn't going to go anymore and if she didn't like that, and she liked going to their house so much, she could freakin' move there. She was surprised, but now she doesn't bug me about it anymore, and it's expected that when they have their get togethers, I won't be there. Of course, her parents, brothers, sisters, etc., can't stand me anymore and think that I'm stuck up and to good for them, and that's fine, that's how I like it. I will say, once my wife came to terms w/ all of that, our marriage has been fine. We have not had any disagreements at all.
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Old 07-04-06, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by costanza187
I used to want to go to that "Moral Court" show, or Dr. Phil or something about these inlaw issues... but the bottom line is it would not matter if Dr. Phil, or God himself said "these people are clearly wrong and taking full advantage of you", it would not make a bit of difference.
If you really believe it won't make one bit of difference, then you need to divorce her.

But I would still go to counseling, and give the counselor the opportunity to tell your wife that things have to change (and he might tell you a thing or two), and give her the opportunity to say no.

Then you walk. It'll be the best thing you could do for yourself.

Do you really want 20 years to pass, and look back at your wasted life?
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Old 07-04-06, 03:16 PM
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