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When two worlds collide - hating your new inlaws.

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When two worlds collide - hating your new inlaws.

Old 06-15-06, 01:30 AM
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When two worlds collide - hating your new inlaws.

*scroll to bottom for cliffs notes*


Otterfolk,

As you can probably guess from my title, i have a serious problem with an inlaw - namely, my brothers new wife. Well, it isnt official yet, they get married very soon (so technically its his fiance)


To sum up the problem - she is an absolute leech. A revolting self-centered human parasite that will slowly drain my brother of every single dollar he has ever saved, or will ever earn, - not to mention his sanity, will to live, his masculinity and his soul in general. Since he met her he has drained all his savings on her buying her useless shit, new house, fancy dinners, trips, etc..

So then your asking yourself, Well... if shes that bad, why doesnt he leave!??? what the hell is he doing marrying this Gods-mistake-of-a-human-being ? Because this is the first girl thats come along that has not only shown him attention, but latched on to him like a lead weight around his foot. Since its his first relationship, he doesnt know any beter - he cant tell the difference between this and whats normal.

To make it worse, since they have become engaged, she has diligantly and consistently eroded away his sense of independance and assertiveness to the point where he can barely leave the house without asking her permission. I cant believe the change that I have witnessed in him, it has reached an all new low that defies any standard of embarassment. When i see them together, im so ashamed and disgusted that i can barely look either one of them in the eye. There have been countless times when i wanted to speak up and tell both of them what i really think, but i used every ounce of restraint and self-control to just keep my mouth shut. I have secretly sworn an oath to myself that if that bitch EVER gets in my face about anything, anything at all, I am going to take the gloves off

Now your probably saying..., ok well this must be some smoking hot piece of ass to keep him in check THAT good. LOL. Its the opposite. This girl looks like an annorexic truck-stop crackwhore who never once learned how to apply makeup. Every time i look at her, i just feel sorry for my brother, and mad and confused that he settled for such a lousy woman. It made me lose ALL respect for him - thats what bothers me most of all - that he eats every single shit sandwich she serves up to him, without even fighting or struggleing for ANY respect for himself.

If she took good care of him, then that MIGHT save face wouldnt it? If she splurged on him now and then, made him dinner, washed his clothes, treated him right ?? NO. None of that, fucking nothing- She makes him get his own dinner after hes worked for 12 hours, then complains that her new car is getting old and wants a brand new one. So of course this bloodsucker wants a huge wedding in a cathedral and a dreamy island honeymoon to the tune of christ knows how many tens of thousands of dollars, and guess who gets to foot the bill for that -

The bad thing about this - i cant really say anything. I cant just look him right in the face and tell him i think hes making the biggest mistake of his entire life by marrying her.

Or..

can I ?


Would you do that? Have you done that? I really care about him, and know deep down inside that hes making a terrible mistake that is going to end badly, and VERY expensively.

Should i just keep quiet and leave it alone and go with the flow, or get in there and really take the gloves off one day.

Thank you for your comments. Please discuss.





*cliffs notes*

1- My brother is marrying a self centered, snot-nosed gold digging leech.
2- I really do not like that.
3- She is uglier than your worst nightmare.
4- She treats him bad, and he doesnt really seem to mind
5- Should I ever tell him what i think of her, or that the marriage is a terrible
mistake ??
6- There is no way this marriage will survive. That is not good.
Old 06-15-06, 04:16 AM
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Assuming that this woman is as without redeeming qualities as you suggest, and to be fair I do find that a little difficult to believe and suspect there might be some bias on your part. But even assuming that you have to consider what options are open to you. I'd guess they're

1. Confront your brother about this

2. Confront her about this

3. Confront them both about this

4. Do nothing but privately seethe

5. Stop talking to one or both or them.

6. Try to see the good in the woman but be there to support your brother if/when the relationship falls apart and she bails for someone with more money

The question then becomes given one of those courses of action what's the likely outcome? And is that preferable to the alternatives.

Options 1-3 effectively get the same reaction. A lot depends on your brother's personality. If you confront him or both of them about this, will he

a) listen to you and reconsider

or

b) take your attack personally and hate you for it

His reaction will probably vary depending on your approach but for most I'd think option (b) is more likely than (a).

Option 4 is entirely negative and I'd personally never recommend that.

Option 5 allows you to walk away from the problem at the cost of walking away from your brother. Only you can know whether that's something you'd accept as realistic

Option 6 works but could be painful for you

In then end it enirely depends Options 1-3 look good but there's a massive risk of them backfiring. I'd personally go with one of those if I thought I could do it without offending the brother. The risk of offense being taken has got to be considered as high though. The only realistic alternative IMHO is for you to just hope for the best and be there prepared for the worst.

This is, of course, all just my opinion, best of luck with whatever you decide.
Old 06-15-06, 07:24 AM
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If you feel this way you need to sit down with your brother and repectfully voice your concerns. Let him know that you love him no matter what, but disagree with your choice for a wife. You should be specific though, no, "she's a leech", "she's draining your soul". Point out specific incidences which cause you to feel the way you do.

However, as you probably are aware, your brother might get upset with you. Regardless if this is his first relationship, he should be able to recognize that his efforts are not being reciprocated and that this whole situation is lopsided (unless you are being biased, as mentioned). If he doesn't recognize this, then your words aren't going to change his mind.

But I think that you should still communicate with him your feelings, then respect his decision.
Old 06-15-06, 07:45 AM
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skiblet

Thank you for your comments. Please discuss.
You sure?

Here's the reality: this happens a lot, and there's very little you can do about it. Since this is your brother, and not a "best friend", there's a glimmer of hope, as mentioning your concerns would likely destroy a friendship. Still, the odds are heavily against you. Remember that scene in <i>A Few Good Men</i> where Jo confronts Kaffee right before the final courtroom showdown and tries to persuade him not to put Jessep on the stand? Kaffee: "You're not telling me to back off a material witness in a murder trial, are you?" Jo: "If you don't think you can get him ... yeah." Before approaching your brother with this info, make damn sure he's open to the possibility of calling off the wedding. Chances are he's set on marrying this girl, and if he's not going to change his mind, I'd be incredibly hesitant to voice any concerns, because he'll only resent you for it. If you don't think you can get him ...

Once she's his wife for real, though, it's over. So if you're going to make a move, now's the time.

das
Old 06-15-06, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by skiblet
To sum up the problem - she is an absolute leech. A revolting self-centered human parasite that will slowly drain my brother of every single dollar he has ever saved, or will ever earn, - not to mention his sanity, will to live, his masculinity and his soul in general.
Yeah, but is she hot?

Originally Posted by skiblet
This girl looks like an annorexic truck-stop crackwhore who never once learned how to apply makeup.


Seriously though, I'd confront him---not in an attacking manner, just to get <i>his</i> side of the story. If you can "talk him out of it" (for lack of a better term), or at least get him to think about it, cool. If he absolutely resists and hates you for it, at least you tried...and it sounds like you lost a great deal of respect for him already, so you really have nothing to lose.

Last edited by Randy Miller III; 06-15-06 at 07:55 AM.
Old 06-15-06, 08:06 AM
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Um, the thing is though, he is an adult and can make his own choices. YOU may see it a certain way, but he clearly does not. And if he does, then again, that's his choice. I see my family make bad choices all the time (as many of them see me do the same), and when they ask me my opinion on it, then I will give it, but if not, I just suck it up and keep it to myself.
Old 06-15-06, 08:07 AM
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What the hell is wrong with people? Should I tell him? Of course! You're his brother, you're supposed to be able to talk about life with each other. What, it might hurt his feelings? Is that worth letting his life be destroyed and suffering a lot more in the long run?

Silence = hypocrisy, and that's something I can't tolerate.

By the way, what ages are they?
Old 06-15-06, 08:22 AM
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I have watched three of my four brothers marry scancs. Two of them have been married multiple times. One finally found a good wife (on the second try); the other (on the third try) is still married to a fat, ugly, selfish, lazy, disgusting ho-bag. The third is divorced and very bitter, continuing to fight with his ex-wife through their three kids.

In the past 35 years since the first of my brothers' marriages, there have only been three wives (#2 of the three for one brother, and #2 of the two for another) that I got along with and liked from the beginning. In the case of my still-divorced brother, I hated his wife on sight before they were even married, and remember arguing with my parents about it. They thought I was being mean for the hell of it. Twenty years later, my family sings the "Wicked Witch of the West" music when we talk about this woman. For once, Sis was right ...

However, I didn't ever have the temerity to bring up my objections directly to the brother involved. That could be because I am the youngest sibling in the family, but I also realized that my brothers were grownups who were going to do what they wanted. In my mind, your best bet is to be there for your brother later, after this girl trashes his life, since it sounds like that's going to happen. Any objections you lodge now should be lodged VERY carefully.
Old 06-15-06, 08:28 AM
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Numanoid

What the hell is wrong with people? Should I tell him? Of course! You're his brother, you're supposed to be able to talk about life with each other. What, it might hurt his feelings? Is that worth letting his life be destroyed and suffering a lot more in the long run?

Silence = hypocrisy, and that's something I can't tolerate.

By the way, what ages are they?
The issue here isn't about "might hurt his feelings". Chances are high that addressing this issue will be met with an irrational response of anger and resentment. That doesn't mean it should be avoided, but it does mean that significant care should be taken. People become very irrational when someone questions their girlfriend/wife, and one must question how much the high road is worth if it means a lifelong bitter relationship with your brother and a broken family. If there's no chance of changing his mind, addressing it will likely only hurt everyone involved. At the end of the day, the guy is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions and his own mistakes. If the decision isn't made yet, help him to the right path. However, if it's a done deal, criticizing it will only cause pain.

das
Old 06-15-06, 08:55 AM
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What's wrong? Did she turn you down and now you are upset? j/k

Seriously, if he thinks he is in love with this women (and he is not experienced with women) there is very little you are going to do.

That doesn't mean hide your feelings. If you can, in a calm and collected way, express to him what you see and why. However, DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF A THOUSAND TIMES. Say what you have to say, get it off your chest, and then let it go.

What will make your brother hate you is if you say shit every time you see him or everytime you see her do something you don't like. Don't be this guy.

You may even want to get her alone and ask her what her problem is, although i would be very cautios with this one.

but then you always have that one chance at the wedding when they ask if anyone has a reason why these two shouldn't be married...
Old 06-15-06, 08:59 AM
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Are your parents alive? Or do you have any other brothers and sisters? If not, grandparents or close cousins/aunts/uncles even? How about his best friend? If so, have you discussed this with any of them? Does anyone else in the family share your concern? My point is, if a few of you are in agreement it might be easier to stage an 'intervention', as someone will have your back if you do decide to confront him about it. Or in the very least you can team up to come up with the best possible plan if you decide to go another route.
Old 06-15-06, 09:00 AM
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I ain't saying she's a gold digger...

Your cliff notes should have said
7) when she gets pregnant, he'll have 18 years to support her after she leaves his ass.


How I would address this is sit down with him and ask him if he can continue to be a lap dog for the rest of his life. If so, hey more power to him and maybe they can make it.

Ask him to reflect on it.

If he thinks he's going to get sick of acting the way he does right now, it's not fair to her or him to go into marriage. It seems to me he's catering to her now without considering that he's going to get sick of it. That's destined for divorce.
Old 06-15-06, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by 4KRG
but then you always have that one chance at the wedding when they ask if anyone has a reason why these two shouldn't be married...


Of course, the groom will not always appreciate this moment ...
Old 06-15-06, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Numanoid
What the hell is wrong with people? Should I tell him? Of course! You're his brother, you're supposed to be able to talk about life with each other. What, it might hurt his feelings? Is that worth letting his life be destroyed and suffering a lot more in the long run?

Silence = hypocrisy, and that's something I can't tolerate.

By the way, what ages are they?


After I got divorced my whole family proceeds to tell me they always disliked my Xhusband. I was furious that no one sat down BEFORE the wedding to say anything. At the wedding my dad said "You don't have to do this you know. Do not worry about the money" and that was it. The DAY of the wedding!

I wish they had had an "intervention" on me and saved me 7 years of my life!
Old 06-15-06, 09:19 AM
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I agree with the intervention idea IF she's as bad as you say.
I also think that some people are just drawn into these type of situations no matter what. A lot of people just settle for what's in front of them.
How long have they been together? Months or years?
I don't think you mentioned how old they are.
Old 06-15-06, 09:34 AM
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mosquitobite

After I got divorced my whole family proceeds to tell me they always disliked my Xhusband. I was furious that no one sat down BEFORE the wedding to say anything. At the wedding my dad said "You don't have to do this you know. Do not worry about the money" and that was it. The DAY of the wedding!
Can you honestly say you would have listened and broken off the wedding? I'm not saying you wouldn't have, but you know what they say about hindsight.

das
Old 06-15-06, 11:01 AM
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I'm sorry. I'm not going to let someone close to me marry some psycho ho-beast without at least saying something.

Although the matter must be handled delicately, but I think frank and honest communication is the best. I wouldn't even go into the conversation with the thought that the relationship will be broken off. It goes without saying that people are grown and make their own decisions; that doesn't mean in you can't give an adult advice. It doesn't mean that adults don't take advice either.

If I were in this situation, I would merely express how I feel and then leave it. One, perhaps I would have given some food for thought. Two, I would never allow myself to see these horrible signals and do nothing about it, if only for my own benefit. I couldn't imagine standing by silently, then watch the marriage hit shipwreck and say, "I knew something was wrong, but you know adults make their own decisions."

I had people try to warn me about my husband. No, I didn't listen. But I appreciate that there were people who cared about me, cared enough to risk me being upset to give sound advice.

I've done it myself as well. I've told my friends, that this guy is a douchbag (nicely of course), but if you want to be with him I'll stand by your decision and even "make nice" when in his company and if it shouldn't work out I'll still stand by you. I've received nothing but respect when I've had to do such a thing.
Old 06-15-06, 11:04 AM
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In-laws suck and once you realize that, you'll be a lot happier.
Old 06-15-06, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by das Monkey
Can you honestly say you would have listened and broken off the wedding? I'm not saying you wouldn't have, but you know what they say about hindsight.

das
No. It might have pissed me off, and pushed me even more right into his arms. I'm not so sure though, because he and I had had a big fight a month before the wedding anyways. He didn't want me to travel for work. (I did anyways, he threatened to call off the wedding)

But I do think I would have *thought* about it more than I did. We had been dating 4 years when we got married, and got married, because well, that's what you do when you've been dating 4 years.

I wish someone had sat me down and said "no. it doesn't have to mean that. He's a shithead and you can do better."

My sister has been dating the same guy for 8 years now. They're still not engaged even, although she talks like they are. She broke it off last year and I told her my thoughts (he's a nice guy and all, but I know she can do better). They have since gotten back together and I'm supportive of her. (heck, she could do a LOT worse, I just think she's "settling")
Old 06-15-06, 11:45 AM
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I do not see this boding well for your relationship with your brother if you confront him about this. If he's happy with her, what right do you have to interfere with their marriage? Do not force your brother to take sides. Seethe quietly and live your own life.
Old 06-15-06, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by mosquitobite


After I got divorced my whole family proceeds to tell me they always disliked my Xhusband. I was furious that no one sat down BEFORE the wedding to say anything. At the wedding my dad said "You don't have to do this you know. Do not worry about the money" and that was it. The DAY of the wedding!

I wish they had had an "intervention" on me and saved me 7 years of my life!
Hear! Hear!

If one person had spoken up beforehand, it is much more than likely that I'd've said, "You know, you're right, fuck this" & thanked 'em. Friend or relative.

Would've saved me from a whole lotta trouble & wasted time.
Old 06-15-06, 12:15 PM
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I'd say setup an excessively elaborate ruse implicating your sister-in-law-to-be in a fiendishly compromising position (with another man, woman or animal) which your brother would need to witness (with near split-second timing) in person.

Of course, make sure you have an equally absurd alibi clearing your involvement in these shenanigans.

And videotape it.
Old 06-15-06, 12:24 PM
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I think we need a little bit of advice from the Ferris Bueller bible...

"Cameron has never been in love, at least, no one has ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's going to marry the first girl he lays. And she's going to treat him like shit. Because she will have given him, what he has built up in his mind as the end all be all of human existence. She won't respect him...because you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass..."
Old 06-15-06, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Abranut
I do not see this boding well for your relationship with your brother if you confront him about this. If he's happy with her, what right do you have to interfere with their marriage? Do not force your brother to take sides. Seethe quietly and live your own life.

I think you're overstating it a bit.

How is expressing his thoughts about this woman interfering with a marriage (that has yet to take place, mind you)?

How is expressing his opinion forcing his brother to take sides? I didn't see a mention that there would be some ultimatum given.
Old 06-15-06, 12:38 PM
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Since your brother's girl is complaining that she needs a new car, is your brother going to buy her a new car?

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