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Did I overreact to the flowers?

Old 01-28-06, 11:54 AM
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Did I overreact to the flowers?

A little backstory:

I was dating a woman for a little over five weeks. Went out a few times, talked at least once every day over the phone. There was definitely mutual interest and we had a good time together the few times we "hung out," but we weren't anywhere near being "boyfriend/girlfriend." Recently we had been seeing each other less and less and it didn't seem like we were moving forward at all. An apparent lack of chemistry and incompatibility. Three days ago it seemed obvious that we were pretty much finished. Nothing dramatic, just didn't work out.

So yesterday I'm sitting in my faculty meeting (I'm a high school teacher) when the secretary taps me from behind and whispers that I had an "important package" at the front desk. A couple of hours later I walked to the office and there on the secretary's desk were a dozen long-stemmed pink roses. For me. Addressed to "Mr. [my last name here]." Easily a $70+ bouquet.

Naturally, all of my colleagues wanted to know what the hell was up and naturally I had to f'ing idea (I mean, FLOWERS?!). I opened the card (which read "I'm miserable without you") and all it said was "I made a mistake," "I delivered these in person because I know you're busy" and "I will call you after 9."

My first reaction? FEAR. Then irritation. Irritated at:

1. She addressed them to "Mr. ---" so a couple of my co-workers initially assumed they were sent by one of my STUDENTS.
2. She went weirdly WAY out of her way to hand deliver these to MY WORK. (Which, thankfully, was free of students as it was the end of the semester. I would have caught major hell from my students if they saw a dozen roses on my desk...or were in my room when they were delivered).
3. The card was all cryptic and shit, in no way indicating she was actually apologizing (which she told me later) for her earlier behavior but instead making her look like a first-class psycho. (My friends at work agreed on it all being very, very creepy.)
4. A dozen pink roses for someone she's been casually dating seemed WAY excessive.

Anyway, I told her later that I was flattered, but also that the flowers were really inappropriate given the context of us. I may have come out souding like a major jackass, but it was all very weird.

So, did I overreact? Was I a dick not to profusely thank her for the touching gesture or was I justifiably annoyed at the psycho-like inappropriateness of the flowers?
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Old 01-28-06, 11:58 AM
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Dude. They were just flowers.

The card reading "I'm miserable without you" is what I would focus on. Sounds like you've talked about it, and I assume you've clarified your interest and she can move on?
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Old 01-28-06, 12:02 PM
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Yes, you overreacted.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:06 PM
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If all you did was talk to her about what you really wanted as a result of the flowers and note, then no, you did not overreact.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:07 PM
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You overreacted. She obviously thought that she was the cause of your drifting apert.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:20 PM
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She obviously thought that she was the cause of your drifting apert.
That's how she explained it. But none of you think it excessive? Expensive flowers to a man she was casually dating after the fact at his work, hand delivered with a cryptic note attached, when an "I'm sorry" would have sufficed?
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Old 01-28-06, 12:24 PM
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How was the card "all cryptic and shit"? "I'm miserable without you. I made a mistake." What's cryptic about that? What's not apologetic about that? I think we need pics.

Only you know the nature of your relationship with this person, and from your reaction, there's likely more to it than what you've shared with us, but dude ... they're just flowers. It sounds like the first 2 of your reasons aren't even about her, but your fear of what others will think. She wants a relationship with you, and she made a gesture. If you're not interested, make it clear to her so she can move on. You talked with her every single day for 5 weeks? It's possible she has a reasonable but different interpretation of your relationship. If you are interested, be thankful that she cared enough to try.

Don't get me wrong ... she could still be a psycho (the 8th word in your post gives it 80% odds), but it seems like an overreaction to actually be upset with her for one bouquet of flowers.

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Old 01-28-06, 12:27 PM
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Yeah, the flowers seemed a bit much but sometimes a person will over-compensate when they think they really fucked up.

At least she didn't send you 2 dozen red roses with an engagment ring attached
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Old 01-28-06, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by das Monkey
How was the card "all cryptic and shit"? "I'm miserable without you. I made a mistake." What's cryptic about that? What's not apologetic about that? I think we need pics.

Only you know the nature of your relationship with this person, and from your reaction, there's likely more to it than what you've shared with us, but dude ... they're just flowers. It sounds like the first 2 of your reasons aren't even about her, but your fear of what others will think. She wants a relationship with you, and she made a gesture. If you're not interested, make it clear to her so she can move on. You talked with her every single day for 5 weeks? It's possible she has a reasonable but different interpretation of your relationship. If you are interested, be thankful that she cared enough to try.

Don't get me wrong ... she could still be a psycho (the 8th word in your post gives it 80% odds), but it seems like an overreaction to actually be upset with her for one bouquet of flowers.

das
The card was cryptic because there was no context for it. It didn't even suggest it was an apology (she told me that later), nor even allude to the "mistake" she made. And it wasn't the flowers I was put off by (who doesn't like flowers?), but the lengths she went to to get them to me.

In hindsight (and from the responses), I think I did overreact. Yes, the way the flowers were given was inappropriate (we dated sparingly...she should not have showed up at my workplace), but my reaction was hurtful to her and probably excessive. "Just flowers" as Thor noted.

Thanks for the comments, y'all.

Last edited by TimeandTide; 01-28-06 at 12:38 PM.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:52 PM
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I don't think you overreacted at all, but merely reacted to the situation. You were uncomfortable in the situation because it was out-of-scope for where you thought things were. To me, her sending expensive flowers was an overreaction where a phone call to you would've been more appropriate, if all she wanted to do was clarify where she stood.

So, send the flowers off to some new girl you're interested in so they don't go to waste.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:55 PM
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Sounds like you over-reacted.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by TimeandTide
My first reaction? FEAR. Then irritation. Irritated at:

1. She addressed them to "Mr. ---" so a couple of my co-workers initially assumed they were sent by one of my STUDENTS.
Many people refer to teachers as "Mr." when taking something to the schools. You are overreacting.
2. She went weirdly WAY out of her way to hand deliver these to MY WORK. (Which, thankfully, was free of students as it was the end of the semester. I would have caught major hell from my students if they saw a dozen roses on my desk...or were in my room when they were delivered).
Grow up. You're an adult with adult relationships. If you aren't mature enough to handle the idea that your students will think you have cooties, then never date. You are overreacting.
3. The card was all cryptic and shit, in no way indicating she was actually apologizing (which she told me later) for her earlier behavior but instead making her look like a first-class psycho. (My friends at work agreed on it all being very, very creepy.)
Maybe she isn't great with words. Maybe she doesn't like filling out a card with much information when it is likely to be read by others. If she was psycho, you should have known by now. You are overreacting.
4. A dozen pink roses for someone she's been casually dating seemed WAY excessive.
Maybe she isn't on a teacher's salary. I sent a $50 flower thing (no idea what it was because I just tell them to give me $50 worth) to my son's preschool teacher for taking him to the babysitter after class one day when I was stuck out of town and didn't tell anyone. Money is relative, and you are overreacting.


But, I don't know her and I don't know you. I could see doing that for a girl I was dating when it appeared to be dying and I wanted to give it a second chance. But often men don't like to be "chased" the way most men chase women.

I think you overreacted, but I just met you.
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Old 01-28-06, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by das Monkey
Don't get me wrong ... she could still be a psycho (the 8th word in your post gives it 80% odds),


Good stuff.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by TimeandTide
The card was cryptic because there was no context for it. It didn't even suggest it was an apology
"I'm miserable without you" ...
... "I made a mistake,"
That didn't sound like an apology?
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Old 01-28-06, 01:02 PM
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Over-reacted. Sounds like you care more about what people think than what you "should" think. The woman obviously felt she made a mistake about the two of you and wanted to start over or something. Personally you should feel good that she hand delivered. The mere fact she took some effort vs. just having them delivered by the flower company says a lot. To me it sounds like you think there is nothing there and no chemistry. If so don't lead the woman on just end it now and don't give her the wrong impression.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:11 PM
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It's not that big of a deal. I wouldn't stress out too much about whether you over-reacted unless this is a relationship that you intend to pursue.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:11 PM
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Well, I don't think you overreacted. If you had been dating for a few months and you had a big argument that was her fault, it would be appropriate. She should have just called you and said, "I'm sorry I haven't called you in awhile, but I'd like to see you this weekend." I mean, if she's hot and otherwise sane, I don't think it's a huge deal. If she wasn't worth it, well, I don't know how I would react to that.

Speaking of crazy, your story reminds me of something that happened recently to me. I'm listed on a certain local dating site here. I got a fairly lengthy (but coherent) e-mail from a girl with no profile or picture. Normally I would ignore someone without a picture, but her e-mail was intelligent and she sounded like an interesting person. The next day when I read it, I responded basically with that and asked her to post a picture. Two short sentences.

She responded soon after telling me that she couldn't believe I was interested in her e-mail and that I must be really desperate and she's not sure she's interested anymore. Then she immediately dives right into a lengthy, somewhat rambling e-mail where at the end she's complimenting me. What the fuck? So I ignore it.

She replies later that day apologizing profusely for what she said in the previous e-mail and said there was nothing wrong with my reply to her and she appreciated it and she would understand if I didn't want to reply to her.

I mean, yikes.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:21 PM
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#5 Everyone thought you were gay and getting flowers from a guy
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Old 01-28-06, 01:21 PM
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I think it's a nice gesture.

I wish someone would send me flowers.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:22 PM
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I think it's romantic. It's a nice gesture.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by kvrdave
Grow up. You're an adult with adult relationships. If you aren't mature enough to handle the idea that your students will think you have cooties, then never date. You are overreacting.
Thanks for the feedback. Didn't care for the "grow up" bit nor the "[not] mature enough" jab, but points noted. For what it's worth, many, many people in my profession try very hard to keep our private lives out of the classroom. It's an added distraction and talk of my dating habits do not belong anywhere near a few dozen 14-year olds (nor their friends, their parents, my admin. and colleagues). Many of us do not live in the communities we teach because we don't want the thousands of kids we've taught all up in our personal lives, particularly dating/relationships, etc. Sure, I could have kept my mouth shut about it, but she forced me into a corner by showing up on my campus.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Green Smurf
I think it's a nice gesture.

I wish someone would send me flowers.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:27 PM
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Thank you Tom, those are pretty.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Thor Simpson
That didn't sound like an apology?
No...not given everything else. There was nothing to apologize for so I couldn't assume that's what the roses were for. We were two adults moving on from an adult relationship. That much was clear from the last convo. we had. I mean, had she written "I'm sorry I didn't communicate better," would have prevented the confusion altogether, but she was purposefully vague. Hell, had the flowers been yellow, like those above, I might have thought less of it.

Last edited by TimeandTide; 01-28-06 at 01:32 PM.
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Old 01-28-06, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by TimeandTide
Thanks for the feedback. Didn't care for the "grow up" bit nor the "[not] mature enough" jab, but points noted. For what it's worth, many, many people in my profession try very hard to keep our private lives out of the classroom. It's an added distraction and talk of my dating habits do not belong anywhere near a few dozen 14-year olds (nor their friends, their parents, my admin. and colleagues). Many of us do not live in the communities we teach because we don't want the thousands of kids we've taught all up in our personal lives, particularly dating/relationships, etc. Sure, I could have kept my mouth shut about it, but she forced me into a corner by showing up on my campus.

Sorry about that. It came out more acerbic than I intended. My wife is a 7th grade teacher, and I am on the local school board. I know that kids give teachers crap (my wife is pregnant now, so she gets it a lot), but I will admit that I don't understand the idea of keeping those things from them out of fear of what the students will do. But then again, I don't teach and don't have to deal with them.

Again, sorry if I came across unkvrdave like.
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