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I gassed the Sheriff… I hope I’m still a deputy

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I gassed the Sheriff… I hope I’m still a deputy

Old 08-18-05, 03:08 AM
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I gassed the Sheriff… I hope I’m still a deputy

So today I had to go by the Sheriff’s department headquarters today. I needed to talk with Human Resources in order to straighten out a problem with my sick leave hours. On the drive up north my stomach started to feel weird. Not hurting so much as this strange burbling, rolling feeling.

Just to enter the building you need to pass security and wear your photo ID clipped to your shirt. I go to the top floor (where Human resources for some strange reason shares the space with our department’s deities) and quickly take care of my business. On my way out though the top floor’s lobby it suddenly hits me that there is no way I’m going to make it home. I might not even make it through the elevator ride.

I make a quick dash into the lobby men’s room and hit the handicap stall with seconds to spare (as I’ve mentioned in a previous thread, I always use the handicap stall). Once seated it’s like a scene from Dumb or Dumber. My entire bowels void themselves in a fraction of a second with the sound of a high pressure hose filled with Chunky soup.

Oh, god, the smell. How can I describe the foul smell? Now, normally I don’t mind the smell, even though I know it’s bad I’m secretly quite proud of myself. This time, though, the smell hit me in the face like a wet brick. It was somehow sweet, swampy, and keroseney (?) all at the same time. Thick and meaty.

That was when I heard the bathroom door open. A conversation suddenly cut off with a gurgle and I heard a stunned, “Oh, my God!” After that silence. Did they leave? Did they flee in terror? I took a chance and stepped out of the stall. There standing at the sink was my ultimate boss: Sheriff Bill Kolender.



He turned to look at me, face twisted in disgust. I noted how his eyes lingered on my ID card as I passed him and began to quickly wash my hands. I gave him a sick little smile and scampered out of the room in a panic.

A lot of people may not understand this but in a county as big as San Diego the Sheriff is a very powerful man. Much more so than a police chief. About equil to a Mayor. I would equate my experience to a low level programmer at MicroSoft gassing out Bill Gates (if Bill Gates had a gun and was famous for his drunken rages). Do I still have a job? I dunno, I suppose I’ll find out when I get back to work next week.

Last edited by DeputyDave; 08-18-05 at 03:13 AM.
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Old 08-18-05, 03:12 AM
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Wrong place at the wrong time....
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Old 08-18-05, 03:18 AM
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I wouldn't have stepped outside that stall until I was sure everyone was gone...seriously. And even then, give them a few minutes to make sure they're not lingering outside the door, anxious to see what form of creature is capable of producing such a nuclear firestorm from its anus.

Besides, from the looks of that picture, I'm sure the ol' sheriff has released a couple Kraken in his lifetime himself.

Last edited by The_Infidel; 08-18-05 at 03:24 AM.
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Old 08-18-05, 03:20 AM
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I doubt he'll do anything, as it was just a medical emergency that you couldn't control. Besides, it's not like you did it all over his desk or anything....or was that your real intention and you chickened out at the last second?
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Old 08-18-05, 03:23 AM
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Wow... since you're a LEO I thought this was going to be about actual Tear gas...the kind they use on perps.


I guess I'll finish this sandwich later.....
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Old 08-18-05, 03:28 AM
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Originally Posted by The_Infidel
I wouldn't have stepped outside that stall until I was sure everyone was gone...seriously. And even then, give them a few minutes to make sure they're not lingering outside the door, anxious to see what form of creature is capable of producing such a nuclear firestorm from its anus.
Same here.

I'm sure you'll still have your job, DeputyDave. They can't fire you for taking a rancid shit. It's human nature. At least you made it to the bathroom in time.
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Old 08-18-05, 05:14 AM
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What the heck was the sheriff doing in the employee restroom? If he's that powerful, he must have an executive washroom. He must have been up to no good.
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Old 08-18-05, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by DeputyDave
...had a gun and was famous for his drunken rages...
[Sheriff Kolender on a bender]
BANG BANG "Where's that stinky fucker???" BANG "I'm gonna shoot that disgusting sumbitch!" BANG BANG BANG
[/Sheriff Kolender on a bender]

Dude, you should probably move out of state.
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Old 08-18-05, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Giantrobo
Wow... since you're a LEO I thought this was going to be about actual Tear gas...the kind they use on perps.
From the sounds of things, I'm sure the sheriff was crying.
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Old 08-18-05, 07:49 AM
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Reflexes had got the better of Deputy Dave
And what is to be must be:
Every day the bucket a-go a well,
One day the bottom a-go drop out...

and that's just what it did
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Old 08-18-05, 08:09 AM
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Old 08-18-05, 08:37 AM
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Look on the bright side. You might get a transfer to the SWAT Hostage Negotiation Team.

Sheriff: "They're not budging. Dave, grab a burrito... we're sending you in"
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Old 08-18-05, 08:37 AM
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I just wonder what % of DVDTalkers get the musical reference of the thread title...
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Old 08-18-05, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Y2K Falcon
I just wonder what % of DVDTalkers get the musical reference of the thread title...
I got it...I love Eric Clapton!!!
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Old 08-18-05, 08:42 AM
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I got it...I love Bob Marley!!!
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Old 08-18-05, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Y2K Falcon
I just wonder what % of DVDTalkers get the musical reference of the thread title...
Too late for a poll now...
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Old 08-18-05, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by AGuyNamedMike
Too late for a poll now...
That's what Eva Longoria said.




I guess I was asking for the Clapton comment.

It's a good song, but not as good as Aerosmith's "Come Together" or Tiffany's "I saw him standing there".
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Old 08-18-05, 10:20 AM
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You could of smiled sheepishly and said something like.... I'd be able to eat better if we got paid better....

You might consider taking a box of matches in with you NEXT TIME.... (the ladies room at the HPD's academy has a can of no-stink'em spray in each stall! Yea!)....

Consider the alternative..... if you hadn't of made it to the john IN TIME..... they might of thought it was terrorists or something..... then there's the whole implode thing.... shudder.....
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Old 08-18-05, 10:51 AM
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next time, courtesy flush will help
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Old 08-18-05, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by DeputyDave
S...My entire bowels void themselves in a fraction of a second with the sound of a high pressure hose filled with Chunky soup.

Oh, god, the smell. How can I describe the foul smell? Now, normally I don’t mind the smell, even though I know it’s bad I’m secretly quite proud of myself. This time, though, the smell hit me in the face like a wet brick. It was somehow sweet, swampy, and keroseney (?) all at the same time. Thick and meaty.
.

It just seems appropriate to bring up this gem-
http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html
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Old 08-18-05, 11:18 AM
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You needed a one-liner to get out of that one. Maybe...

"Have you tried Taco Bell's new Cheesy Gordita?"
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Old 08-18-05, 11:34 AM
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Hey, T!

I don't usually go hog wild for Taco Bell, but I tried one of those (just yesterday, as a matter of fact) and it was MIGHTY TASTY (with an extra squirt of that fire-hot sauce they have there) if I say so myself!
Originally Posted by Nick Danger
What the heck was the sheriff doing in the employee restroom? If he's that powerful, he must have an executive washroom. He must have been up to no good.
My thoughts, EXACTLY, NICKY D!!!

He may have been just too embarrassed to kick up the aroma another notch in the executive bathroom, and might have been (in all actuality) acting like he was merely washing his hands, but in reality, he was waiting patiently for you to hurry up and leave, so he could conjure up his own special recipe for some explosive commode chouder!



THEEK?

Last edited by The Edit King; 08-18-05 at 02:55 PM.
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Old 08-18-05, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Y2K Falcon
That's what Eva Longoria said.




I guess I was asking for the Clapton comment.

It's a good song, but not as good as Aerosmith's "Come Together" or Tiffany's "I saw him standing there".
Actually that song now brings up the image of Marge Simson in the VH1 Behind the Laughter episode.
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Old 08-18-05, 12:45 PM
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You may have just entered a world of corruption and scandal.

High level beaurocrats with ambitions on Greater San Diego have an interest in a lower level guy like you as 'muscle' work. Men who can do the job. Dirty jobs. So you disgusted him. Think of it as having left your 'calling card'. Now he knows what kind of work you can do.

Powerful men have enemies. Thats where you come in. Leaving this impression can get your foot in the door. He might need you to do a 'favor' and rough up some mouthy reporter or restaurant owner. Rough them up the way you know how.

Now he knows you can deliver the goods, expect a phone call soon. Its good to do favors for the most powerful cop in San Diego.
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Old 08-18-05, 03:26 PM
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Thanks for your sympathy, I knew I could count on your support.
What was the Sheriff doing in a regular bathroom? I dunno. I've never been to that part of the top floor but I assume he has a very large private bathroom. The bathroom I went to was just off the top floor lobby so I have to assume he was either coming to or going from the elevators when he decided to use the facilities.
I didn't explain very well why I left the stall so quickly. I heard the voices talking as they entered the bathroom, the choked exclamation of horror, and then the sound of retreat. I assumed BOTH men involved in the conversation had fled. I left as quickly as I could because I was worried who would walk in on that stench. The actual sheriff was the worst, but not the only possibility. Ridghaven (the name of that office) is filled with Assistant Sheriffs, Under Sheriffs, Commanders, and Captains all of who can hold a grudge for the stupidest things. Besides it was embarrassing!
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