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Ever been suicidal?

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Ever been suicidal?

Old 08-08-05, 07:54 AM
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Ever been suicidal?

The past couple weeks, I've been so depressed, I was actually seriously contemplating suicide.

Unemployed, unable to find work, out of money, forced to live with the parents, severely missing my kids and a pretty nasty stomach flu put me into an emotional flat spin. Unable to function, I was sleeping 14-16 hours a day, drinking almost constantly, and knowing exactly how George Bailey was feeling on the bridge.

I'm better now. Not drinking anymore. Still unemployed and broke, still terribly miss the kids, but back to coding on the project and hopefully, financial salvation. The past few days, I spent doing nothing but playing X-Box at a friends and just being around other people. Got me out of the doldrums enough to get back to work, and progressing on the code helped me the rest of the way.

Just wanted to know if anybody else had been so far down to consider ending it all.
Old 08-08-05, 08:01 AM
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I've never been so low that I seriously considered it, but the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I guess I just figured there was more to come that had to be better, and I'd kind of like to see what it was.

So far, I've been glad with my choice.
Old 08-08-05, 08:08 AM
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You ask this question on a Monday morning?
Old 08-08-05, 08:21 AM
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I think it's a feeling that happens more than people will admit.
Old 08-08-05, 08:45 AM
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Maybe when I was younger the thought crossed my mind, but never really much of a consideration. And now, as bad as things can get sometimes, the one thing Ive learned is that things usually do find a way of working out. Maybe not to the level we would like sometimes, but still for the better in most cases. So that really keeps me from getting too far down where I become self-destructive.
Old 08-08-05, 08:56 AM
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I've thought about it seriously a time or two, and I've even gone so far as to plan numerous failsafe methods of completing the task (the latter was done mostly out of boredom, to amuse myself). I did run a knife up and down my arm once, just grazing it to get some sense of what it might feel like to go out that way. I didn't really care for it, and I'd never actually go through any form of suicide. I would prefer to continue living with the hope that things will get better.
Old 08-08-05, 09:28 AM
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Sure. I won't go into details, but the winter of '88 was a bad one for me. Really bad. Everything that could've gone to shit went directly to shit.
Old 08-08-05, 09:46 AM
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I did the pill thing once.. and not even to an extremely serious level. All it did was keep me up all night, made me feel like everything around me was moving in slow motion (seeing trails), and made me feel like hell the next day.

I don't recall if it was that very same day or not that I came to thinking that that was the stupidest thing I've ever done.
Old 08-08-05, 10:06 AM
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To be honest, and I know how fucked up this'll sound, one of the main reasons I haven't commited suicide is that i refuse to give the people I hate in my life a reason to feel good.
Old 08-08-05, 10:11 AM
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Hey, any reason that works.

Being a nice guy, I'd concentrate on how upset my friends or my mother would be.
Old 08-08-05, 10:12 AM
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I only get suicidal after reading DVDtalk forums.
Old 08-08-05, 10:12 AM
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I've never thought about it seriously. When I was 17 I went through pretty bad depression and panic attacks for about 4-6 months. I've felt "down" on occasion since then, but to me -- that was depression and anything I've ever felt since could only be described as "blah."

At that time, I was almost never happy or content with anything I did. If I was inside, I'd want to be out... if out I'd want to be in. If I was watching tv, I'd want it off -- if it was off, I'd want it on -- I just could not find comfort in anything I did and on top of it all, I was having panic attacks thinking I was going to die or go crazy. It was the worst time in my life -- and I never seriously considered killing myself. I think if it had lasted years, I might have started to wonder if death was better though.
Old 08-08-05, 10:16 AM
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Can't say that I have been in any serious way, or even half serious way. I always liked the second verse off "Moment of Truth" by Gang Starr:

Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near
Don't fear things get severe for everybody everywhere
Why do bad things happen, to good people?
Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil
The situation that I'm facin, is mad amazin
to think such problems can arise from minor confrontations
Now I'm contemplatin in my bedroom pacin
Dark clouds over my head, my heart's racin
Suicide? Nah, I'm not a foolish guy
Don't even feel like drinking, or even gettin high
Cause all that's gonna do really, is accelerate
the anxieties that I wish I could alleviate
But wait, I've been through a whole lot of other shit, before
So I oughta be able, to withstand some more
But I'm sweatin though, my eyes are turnin red and yo
I'm ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind
I put down the knife, and take the bullets out my nine
My only crime, was that I'm too damn kind
And now some skanless motherfuckers wanna take what's mine
But they can't take the respect, that I've earned in my lifetime
And you know they'll never stop the furious force of my rhymes
So like they say, every dog has it's day
And like they say, God works in a mysterious way
So I pray, remembering the days of my youth
As I prepare to meet my moment of truth
Old 08-08-05, 10:17 AM
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When i was younger i also went through a small period where i considered it. My main motivation was also like Giantrobo - i didn't want the bastards who were getting me down to win. When i got upset i also tended towards feeling more homicidal than suicidal. I kept thinking, they are the ones who sucks so bad, why should i be the one to die. Luckily i didn't act on either impulse.
Old 08-08-05, 10:25 AM
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About the only thing that actually kept me from pulling the trigger (figuratively or literally) was the fact that I've got three wonderful boys, and doing that would permanently damage them in ways I could never accept.

So, it's better to be miserable all the time, as long as my boys are sound.
Old 08-08-05, 10:31 AM
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Honestly, I don't think so. I've been at some pretty big lows before, and the thought has certainly entered my mind from an academic perspective, but I've never even been close to seriously considering it. With apologies to anyone who has contemplated it or been through rough times, the simple truth is that no matter how bad things get, I could never be that selfish. I'd have to have no friends or relatives or family of any kind to even begin to approach it. Of course, it's still really not an option, because even at its most difficult, life is just too fucking amazing to prematurely end it. Besides, I want to see how The Sopranos ends.

das
Old 08-08-05, 10:37 AM
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Yes, I have thought about it. But it's been many years ago when I was a teenager and still in the closet.
Old 08-08-05, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Baron Of Hell
I only get suicidal after reading DVDtalk forums.

JUMP! JUMP!
Old 08-08-05, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by darkflounder
About the only thing that actually kept me from pulling the trigger (figuratively or literally) was the fact that I've got three wonderful boys, and doing that would permanently damage them in ways I could never accept.

So, it's better to be miserable all the time, as long as my boys are sound.

HOLY SHIT!!!! If you have thoughts like this, and you have kids, go get some professional help. Thoughts like this that are actually contemplated are not normal.

You know what keeps me from committing suicide? Looking at the stars, the color of grass, riding through the country, crying at a stupid movie, morons at the mall, fried chicken, swimming, riding a bike, video games, mowing my lawn, changing my oil, having sex with my wife, playing poker, drinking with friends, listening to lecture series, reading comic books, making popcorn, football, plans for the future, a desire to improve the lives of others, reading my Bible, planting fruit trees, selling a drug truck, shooting the occasional dog, arguing for astroturf, arguing agaist astroturf, singing songs incorrectly and luaghing when I find out the real lyrics.

Go get help.
Old 08-08-05, 11:19 AM
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I've hit some lows in my life but a trip to the doctors and a prescription later and all was well in the world.

Seriously, OP, leave now and drive yourself to the ER. Go now. Get some help, we're all worried about you.
Old 08-08-05, 11:28 AM
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I was pretty screwed up when I was younger. Clinical Depression sucks. I did what you are supposed to do, and told my parents how I felt. My Mom tried to make me feel better by telling me how much worse off other people were. (Thanks, mom, but just because some people are MORE screwed up than I am, doesn't make me any less screwed up.) My Dad got mad at me, and yelled, "What have you got to be depressed about?!" as if my depression was some kind of poor reflection on him. My Dad still doesn't believe in mental illness, even though my brother has fuges.
From time to time, when I was still living with my parents, I would take a lot of pills at bedime, and see if I woke up in the morning. Once, I really got sick, yellow vision, puking, nightmare hallucinations. Nothing came of it.

As much as I thought about killing myself, there was always this little thought in the back of my head that there was a lot more to life than I was seeing, and if I could somehow get to it, might be okay. I survived the really intense fits of depression by distracting myself with suicide plans. If I could work through the worst of it, by telling myself things like, "I really should clean the house before I kill myself, so people won't think I was a slob." or, "I need to make arrangements for my cats first." any thing to delay until the urge passed.

I got counseling. The counselor asked me when I first started thinking these things, and I told him, when I was eight. I heard about suicide and thought it was a great idea! He got me on meds right away. Now, the interesting thing about the new SRI medications is that, if you DON'T have a chemical imbalance, they don't do a damn thing. For me, it was like someone pulled a cloth off of my head. Daily life was no longer a chore. I was still screwed up, but the emotional pain was no longer so intense that just getting out of bed every day was a challenge.

I still needed a lot of help to get my head together, but I am glad that I survived those black years. Life is very good. I have Nick (my sweetie!) and my art career, and good SANE friends.

Advice to any one who feels suicidal, without terminal illness: Hang around, things may get better. If they don't you can always kill yourself later. Get help. It may not be something you can pull out of by yourself. If it is a chemical imbalance, all the positive thinking in the world won't fix it, any more than a diabetic can will himself to be able to process sugars.

I figure, Clinical Depression is like a cramp in your brain. There are no pain sensors in the brain, so you can't feel it. But your brain just doesn't work easily when it's cramped.
Old 08-08-05, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by kvrdave
You know what keeps me from committing suicide? Looking at the stars, the color of grass, riding through the country, crying at a stupid movie, morons at the mall, fried chicken, swimming, riding a bike, video games, mowing my lawn, changing my oil, having sex with my wife, playing poker, drinking with friends, listening to lecture series, reading comic books, making popcorn, football, plans for the future, a desire to improve the lives of others, reading my Bible, planting fruit trees, selling a drug truck, shooting the occasional dog, arguing for astroturf, arguing agaist astroturf, singing songs incorrectly and luaghing when I find out the real lyrics.

Go get help.
[sung]Rainrdrops keep fallin' on my head...[/sung]

Happy sonofagun. I hate you.
Old 08-08-05, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Giantrobo
JUMP! JUMP!
Old 08-08-05, 12:19 PM
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I've thought about it, but never acted on it.
Old 08-08-05, 12:25 PM
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I can't say I've ever thought seriously about it, and I've been through some heavy shit. I did, however have two friends that thought too much about it..... I lost one of them back in 99, hung himself out in the woods with an electrical extension cord the day before he was supposed to check into rehab for a crack cocaine addiction. Another put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger after losing his job and draining the family savings and 401 K to accomodate the lifestyle the family had been living without telling his friends or family he was of of work.....Watching the private hells the families went through would be enough for me to never consider suicide as an option.

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