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Family Problems(what would you do)

Old 01-09-05, 07:42 PM
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Family Problems(what would you do)

I grew up in a pretty normal family with my mom and dad and a older sister that was two years older than me. About my sister's sophmore year of high school she just went crazy. Now after about thirty years of her causing family troubles everybody is about fed up. She's a little over forty years old now and has never had to do anything for herself. My parents have supported her all her life even through her three marriages. They even raised her child as their own because she wouldn't do it. She's been in jail for a prescription drug problem and hasn't even tried to quit. She has never bought a car or even paid a payment or a months insurance. She's never bought a house or made a house payment or paid any of her utilities. In over forty years she's never held a job. She used to go out and find a job but wouldn't get up and go and would get fired or quit. Now she says she can't work because of a medical condition. She has seen more than a couple of doctors and they all say nothing's wrong with her. Since she got hooked on the prescription drugs all she does is lie and take advantage of her family to try to get more drugs. She was driving a car and had a wreck that one person lost their life in while on this medication. After charges were filed they had to be dropped because one of the officers made a mistake. She is literally driving my mom and dad to the breaking point and they really don't know what to do. She don't want help she just wants them to support her. They are older and retired and by no means rich. They have tried to help her for the last twentyfive years but they are tired of being taken advantage of. What would you do in this situation.
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Old 01-09-05, 07:59 PM
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If she's able to support herself (not physicaly or mentally "screwed up") then kick her to the curb. That sounds harsh but it must be done.
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Old 01-09-05, 08:08 PM
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she needs to be Dr. Philled
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Old 01-09-05, 08:09 PM
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Well, I'm not sure what you can do for your parents except try and convince them that they are a HUGE part of the problem. They are enabling her behavior and if they do not cut her off completely, both financially and emotionally, she will continue.
You have to convince them that this is the truth.

If they do not listen to your reason, I would refuse to have anything to do with her. I would let your parents know that you will not visit their home or participate in any family gatherings that she is attending (unless she makes notable improvement as a person). Make them choose between her and you, at least partially.

I have some second-hand experience with this sort of thing. A good female friend of mine was in very similar circumstances with her older brother and her father (mother died years ago). The brother is a waste of a human being; no jobs for long, criminal record, traffic accidents, theft, physical abuse of my friend, still lives at home at 28, etc. Her father enables his behavior because he is too much of a ***** to put a stop to it.

I'm the one that finally had to nix his abuse of my friend by threatening physical violence in a very convincing way. I wasn't sure how long that threat would stick, however, since I lived out of state but she fortunately moved out shortly thereafter.
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Old 01-09-05, 08:11 PM
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Time for some tough love. No financial support, don't give her anything, make her learn to be an adult. Is her child old enough to be on his own? I'd hate to think that she might try to take custody to punish her parents (the child's grandparents).
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Old 01-09-05, 08:11 PM
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Your parents need to kick her to the curb, but, if you a a parent yourself, you probably know that's a tough decision to make. If they chose to do so, support them in their decision.
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Old 01-09-05, 08:15 PM
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Can a mod please merge this with the recent "Kids vs. No Kids" thread.
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Old 01-09-05, 08:34 PM
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All I can say is try to convince your parents to go the tough love route. Although, that may prove to be easier said than done. She will always be their child, and no matter how much she fucks up, it will be hard for them to turn their back. I would just try to do your best to support them mentally and help them "see the light."
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Old 01-09-05, 08:42 PM
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I don't have any children so I guess it's easy to say what I would or wouldn't do. My parents are great. They have always been there for any of their kids when help was needed. They know what needs to be done but it is very hard for them to do. They feel that they still have a responsibility because she is their child. Me and my neice have agreed that she should be on her own but I don't know if my parents can actually do this. It's real easy to say it but to actually do it and watch your child suffer is another thing all together.
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Old 01-09-05, 08:45 PM
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Also my neice is married and moved away. Thing is we all grew up in the same home and two of us got it. I wonder how she missed it.
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Old 01-09-05, 09:06 PM
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All the suggestions for tough love are on the mark, and I think everyone suggesting it knows the difficulty in enacting it. Parents want to protect their 'children', regardless of age and end up becomming enablers. Your parents need to realize that they either 'get tough' with your sister now, or she's going to have to deal with it later on when they're gone. Either way, your sister is going to be on her own at some point.

As someone going through something silimar (brother was put in rehab a few days ago at age 52), I just wish that the 'abusers' could see or feel the amount of emotional damage they are causing.

Good luck.
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Old 01-09-05, 10:23 PM
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It's tough love time or she'll never grow up.
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Old 01-09-05, 10:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Kittydreamer
It's tough love time or she'll never grow up.
plus when you're living with your folks you can't walk around nude in the house
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Old 01-09-05, 10:39 PM
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Originally Posted by bobe
What would you do in this situation.

What would i do if i were her parents? or you?

If i were her parents id throw her ass on the curb, then go inside and make myself a turkey sandwich.

If i were You?, - see above.
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Old 01-09-05, 11:55 PM
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My oldest Brother is in Prison right now. He's got 3 or 4 consecutive life sentences for murder. Looking back in his history, remembering what I saw growing up, and having had an in depth conversation with an older male relative who remembered how things went down I can see where my Mother's constant "rescues" did more harm than good in his life. She did it out of a Mother's Love but many times that love is blind and in denial.

Looking back, I wonder what would've happend had she let him "suffer the consequences" a few more times. Instead of bailing him out on a Friday when he gets pinched for doing something what if she had left him in Jail for the weekend to deal with his shit?

Anyway, I say this to point out that your parents need to LET GO if they haven't already. Their "rescues", done out of love, haven't allowed her to learn anything useful in life. All she knows is "I can do this and if things go South, fuckit. Someone else can clean up the mess".

Last edited by Giantrobo; 01-09-05 at 11:59 PM.
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Old 01-10-05, 12:49 AM
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Institutionalize her.
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Old 01-10-05, 12:52 AM
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Not a thing you can do, really. Your parents probably know what needs to be done, but are unable to do it. You can have a talk with them, but don't expect much. She will just continue to bleed them. Sucks, but that's the way it is. If they truly want to change things, they can.
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Old 01-10-05, 12:59 AM
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It's obvious she has no intentions on supporting herself, which brings up the inevitable. Your folks won't be around forever, so when they're gone and their money/insurance dries up, guess who's doorstep she's going to be at, wanting YOU to take up where mommy and daddy left off? Trust me, that's a very probable scenario.
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Old 01-10-05, 01:03 AM
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Originally Posted by DarkestPhoenix
Institutionalize her.
ditto. If she is breaking prescription drug laws, report her. Eventually, if this happens enough times they will toss her in the nuthouse.
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Old 01-10-05, 01:07 AM
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Also, if I were you....I'd make her face the harsh reality personally, even if it meant full blown screaming arguments everyday. Think of it this way, if she doesn't change....she will eventually send your parents to their graves. Once that happens she will either take half your inheritance (assuming there are only 2 of you guys) or she will then become "your" problem. Dealing with it now will decrease the damage that will occur as opposed to prolonging the problem.

I can't believe she actually killed somebody.
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Old 01-10-05, 02:15 AM
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Well if there is one thing that I am it's honest. I have told my parents that I will not support her at all. Matter of fact I've told her that each night when she goes to bed that she had better pray that nothing happens to our parents because if it does she's SOL. She's set to get out of prison in a few months and right now is in a little community house. She was supposed to have to get a job as terms of her probation but so far has refused. She has been calling my parents telling them that she needs this and that but right now they aren't doing anything. They had bought her another car to go to work in but they are talking about going and getting it. It's just simply amazing that a person's thinking can be as screwed up as hers. She still blames everybody but herself for her problems and thinks everybody should cater to her every whim.
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Old 01-10-05, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Giantrobo
Looking back, I wonder what would've happend had she let him "suffer the consequences" a few more times. Instead of bailing him out on a Friday when he gets pinched for doing something what if she had left him in Jail for the weekend to deal with his shit?
The honest truth?

Probably nothing. I believe that some people just have criminal temperaments, just like some people are good at math and science, or others are good at art or music.

If your brother is serving multiple consecutive life sentences for murder, then he was always probably going to go down that path in life and no amount of tough love would've changed that.
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Old 01-10-05, 07:11 AM
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wtf? My mom kicked me out as a teenager and never had anything to do with me since because I didn't want to eat dinner with her and her asshole boyfriend and his spoiled misbehaved kids, and because I didn't want to wake up at 6am to see them leave for work and school (my school didn't start until noon and I worked at night). Just deal the bitch out of your lives and let her die homeless on the street if she can't get her own shit together - she's a grown woman. You're enablers - you keep "helping" her stupid ass out, but all you're dong is making it easy for her to be a loser - nothing you are doing is going to help her.
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Old 01-10-05, 09:27 AM
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Sounds like your parents never let her make her own mistakes and enabled her to do nothing without their help. If so, their mistake is now their problem.
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Old 01-10-05, 12:30 PM
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Wow. I have an aunt who is almost the exact same way. Except I don't think she has killed anyone. My grandparents finally made her leave their house a few years ago. Now she goes around and shacks up with any piece of trash she can. Having your parents kick her out to fend for herself is probably the only way you'll ever get rid of her. If they keep enabling her, she'll keep taking advantage of them. Trust me.

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