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I need some relationship advice (long) PLEASE READ!

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I need some relationship advice (long) PLEASE READ!

Old 08-25-04, 07:20 PM
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I need some relationship advice (long) PLEASE READ!

Ok I apologize in advance if this is long, but I would like to get some feedback about my current situation, my time frame might be off a little bit so I apologize if all my moths don't add up correctly, LOL... here goes......

About 10 months ago a new girl got a job with my company, she doesn't work in my department, but she does work in a department that works with mine. She was pretty cool. She used to live in the state I am in, then she moved to live with her boyfriend in another state, and moved back when they broke up. We talked a little bit when she started, got to know her a little bit. She told me she moved back about 6 months ago because her and her boyfriend broke up. About a month later, there was a company Christmas party. She was 6 months out of a long term relationship with her boyfriend, and I was 5 months out of my long term relationship with my ex-girlfriend. So we mutually agreed it would be fun if we went together. So we did. Had fun, hung out, got to know each other a little bit more. After that we started emailing each other directly, then started talking on the phone. I got to know her pretty well, and about her previous relationship.

She basically said that she moved to another state to be with her boyfriend, because he got a good job there, so she did. She told me she really thought he was the one she was going to be with forever, get married have kids ect. They were not married but had a house and a car together. Her name on both. When things turned sour she broke it off with him and moved back to here. She told me that she was still dealing with a lot of issues with him, he wasn't making payments on the house or car in time, and her credit was taking a beating. So they agreed to sell the house so she could have her name off of it, along with the car. So that was something that was really bothering her, along with his guilt trips, mental abuse ect.

Her and I started hanging out more and more, started off slow at first, like it just might be a friends thing, but I started developing feelings for her, and as I thought she was too for me. A couple months passed and we were romantically involved, full on dating, spending time together, intimately involved, ect. Things were going well with us, though she was still dealing with her ex because of the house and car issues. As another month passed, we were still romantically involved and dating. But she sat down and told me that, basically she has a lot of "emotional baggage" (her words) from the previous relationship, and that she is still dealing with the financial issues with her ex. She also told me that she wasn't ready to move on to anything serious, she just wanted to continue to date and hang out ect. I was fine with that, I realized she had a lot of issues to deal with, and I thought in my head that when all these issues with her ex were over, we could move on and get our relationship a little bit more serious, maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Another month passed, we were into our 5th month of dating now. She is still dealing with her ex's issues and the financial issues that are with it. She is having a hard time still, so she starts seeing a counselor 1 day a week to talk things over.

Late in the 5th month, things got complicated. I realize that I have fallen for this girl BIG TIME! I had A LOT of feelings for this girl, and I was sure I was falling in love with her, and I felt I was. At this same time, our time spent together was getting less and less. She didn't want to spend as much time with me as before, and when we were together she seemed distant. She always used to say when we were dating "I miss you", "you are sooo great" ect ect. Not since that last month those stopped. I didn't think much of it, I just thought it was because of the stuff going on with her ex. So I invited her over to have a talk with her. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, the new feelings I was having for her and that I was in love with her. Also to figure out what was going on with us, and where we were going with our relationship. We got together and I told her how I felt. She took it well, but her comments that were going to come out of her mouth were going to be devastating.

To sum it up she basically said that she didn't have the same feelings for me, as she did when we first dated. She still liked me and cared about me, but the feelings were not the same. She said she appreciated what I had done for her, sticking by her side when she needed someone the most, and helping her through her issues with her ex. The next part she said really hurt. She basically said that I was just a "distraction" (her words again) while she was dealing with all the BS with her ex. And like I said before, she said she had feelings for me, but not the same as when we first started dating. She said she thought of me more as a friend than a boyfriend, and a buddy more as somebody she could have a romantic relationship with. I was crushed(NO guy wants to hear that). The girl I had all these feelings for, and even loved, didn't have serious feelings for me anymore, and just thought of me as a distraction and just a friend. I told her that I can't be her friend, I have too many feelings for her to just be her friend.

After that talk that night she left my place and said that " I need to go home, and I need time to think about things" that was pretty much it. Flash foreword to now, about 2 months later from when we had that talk. We still talk on the phone about every other day, but nothing has ever been mentioned about that talk we had or our relationship, or anything like that. Since then the house she had with her ex has sold, her name is off of it and she is close to selling the car as well. Real soon her contact with her ex will be gone.

All that being said (and I appreciate everybody that has taken the time to read it all) what should I do?? I mean I have WAY too many feelings for her, hell I am in love with the girl, to just be her friend. There is NO way I could hang out with her and do "friend" things, knowing that I can't kiss, hug or touch her in a romantic way. Knowing that when we go home we have to go home our separate ways. I can't do it. and I don't know many people who could. She says that she still wants to talk to me and be friends ect. But doesn't know about our future as a romantic relationship.

My question is, should I gather up all my will power and bury this issue once and for all, and move on? (easier said than done) Cutting off all contact with her, no talking on the phone ect. Or keep talking to her, keep being her "buddy" in case there a glimmer of hope that there might be a chance again for a romantic relationship? Should I try and talk to her seriously again? I just don't know I am soooo stuck.

And no she isn't/wasn't seeing anybody else while we were dating, even now she isn't dating anybody else.

Any advice/comments/suggestions will be appreciated.
Old 08-25-04, 07:30 PM
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read this:

Rant: Manipulative Hot Chick

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: [email protected]
Date: Mon Aug 09 14:10:34 2004


You game playing, attention-craving dick tease. I should have known better. O.k. I'll say it: Girls who have guys for "friends" are sketchy. You heard me right, SKETCHY! That includes you, manipulative hot chick.

I won't go into the whole "When Harry Met Sally" theory, but let's face it. If a girl doesn't have many girl friends, and has lotsa guy friends, and she is hot,.... guess what? Her guy friends want to bang her. And guess what's more? She knows it. And guess what even more? She is using that power to manipulate the guys. I should know, I am one of those guys.

That's right, I'll admit it. I have become "that guy". I am not gay, I am not your boyfriend, but here I am, with you, the hot chick, maybe out a bar, maybe just hanging out, "chatting" on the phone, etc. But I am not having sex with you. I repeat WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX. Oh, I WANT to have sex with you, sure. But I am not. I have tried. I've heard every lame ass excuse you can throw my way, but I just keep coming back for more, hoping for the big break. That whole fucked up thing you got going on with your "boyfriend" is a scary testament to what you want in a relationship. That poor schmuck believes in giving you your freedom, and let's you hang around with guys like me who try to come up with new and clever ways to get some action. You know this, thrive off of it, you live it,.... you soul-less vixen.

It started innocent enough. An email here, a phone call there, etc. But then (and this is where I made my mistake) I started to think that we had *something*. I thought you felt the same. I thought we had something special outside of our relationships. Of course, phone calls got longer, emails got more frequent and we would be sharing intimate details of our lives together. Hey, this is kind of like dating, but, um,...where is the sex and stuff?

I'll tell you where the sex is. With one of the other "friends" you have, you heartless monster. I'm slowly learning how the game is played. You have the completely neutral friend, who really is gay, or just really doesn't want to have sex you- or more likely knows that you would NEVER have sex with him. Then you have the guy who is a little more close to getting some action (apparently me), maybe a drunk kiss here, maybe a few more phone calls or emails, perhaps a dirty dance or a quick feel. Then there is the guy friend that you probably REALLY want. The one who you will indeed have sex with, the one who you actually lust over, the one who you see yourself with when you eventually dump your sucker boyfriend (God only knows how he fits into the picture). You loveless heartbreaker.

You see, you are a manipulative hot chick. I am one of several (maybe more) guys that you keep around by giving us hope. Hope for a kiss that night, hope we will bang you, hope for a hand-job, hope for a real relationship - none of which we will get. We give you a rides, buy you drinks, talk to you when your "bored", listen to your bullshit about your boyfriend. We do all this for one thing: to get further with you. But here is the problem: I am not getting sex. I don't need another pal. I have "buddies" and chums. I have my homeboys and my crew. What I don't have is a hot piece of ass that I'm banging on the side. I am done. Tired of the games and manipulation. I've put my time in, played the game, (oh boy did I play the game). But I am trying to move along now. It's too much work. It's too fatiguing to actually pretend to care about your ailments and theories on who is cool and who isn't. The constant stream of self-absorbing drivel has become numbing. I finally see you for what you are: A manipulative hot chick.

Every time I see you on your cell phone (always), I can't help but think there is some other sucker on the other end of the phone, endlessly listening to you babble about yourself in the hopes of getting into your pants. You man eating psycho. Good luck to the new guy,..maybe he'll get further than me. I'm passing the torch. I am removing your # from my cell phone. Good luck. I am through playing the game.

....unless your plans fall through on Saturday. In which case, maybe we could hang.
Old 08-25-04, 07:32 PM
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You talk to her every other day? Who is calling who? Don't call her anymore and see how often you are talking to her.
Old 08-25-04, 07:39 PM
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You need to move on, it's really that simple. It sucks, but you were rebound guy. She was even honest with you about that, once she figured it out herself. You should at least be grateful for that. But ultimately, it's over. You would do well to tell her as much and simply say that it hurts too much to just be friends and you still have strong feelings for her. ergo, the talking all the time must end, because you need to move on. If she really does want to be with you, then she will make that move, if not, you are out and can get on with your life. The fact that you haven't talked about your relationship in two months strongly suggests that you are being used. End that. Now.
Old 08-25-04, 07:46 PM
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brizz hit the nail right on the head.
Old 08-25-04, 08:03 PM
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Originally posted by brizz
You need to move on, it's really that simple. It sucks, but you were rebound guy. She was even honest with you about that, once she figured it out herself. You should at least be grateful for that. But ultimately, it's over. You would do well to tell her as much and simply say that it hurts too much to just be friends and you still have strong feelings for her. ergo, the talking all the time must end, because you need to move on. If she really does want to be with you, then she will make that move, if not, you are out and can get on with your life. The fact that you haven't talked about your relationship in two months strongly suggests that you are being used. End that. Now.


Right now, she has what she wants from you -- a non-sexual friend she can talk with whenever she wants. She's happy with that, so it's incumbent upon you to either change things or accept that you will always be just a friend.

You can either just cut it off with her, or you can let her know that your feelings haven't gone away and that it's therefore too painful to continue a close platonic relationship with her. If you go with option #2, who knows -- maybe it will flip the right switch in her head (either immediately or 3 weeks later when she realizes she misses your near-daily calls). Odds are it won't, though. Either way, you need to change the dynamic.
Old 08-25-04, 08:19 PM
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you're a dick in a jar. Stop talking to her, you're only hurting yourself and not letting yourself move forward with your life.
She doesn't want you.
Old 08-25-04, 08:53 PM
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What they said. Move on, man.
Old 08-25-04, 09:08 PM
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werd. move on. Put her on ice because she is beating you to the punch on that. She is putting you on ice as a dick in the jar. Beat her to the punch and she will come demanding the attention.
Old 08-25-04, 09:14 PM
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you said that you told her that it was too painful to be "just friends" with her, and couldn't do that. then you went on to say that you still talk every other day or so. how did that come to be?
Old 08-25-04, 10:26 PM
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Brizz, thanks man I appreciate the advice.

Thanks to all who posted advice, and reading through my whole spiel, its much appreciated!!!

you said that you told her that it was too painful to be "just friends" with her, and couldn't do that. then you went on to say that you still talk every other day or so. how did that come to be?
Hanging on to a thread of hope, that we could go back to where we were again. But with the advice listed I need to end things now.
Old 08-26-04, 12:15 PM
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You act like you don't need her shit and she'll bring it to you for free.
Old 08-26-04, 12:24 PM
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Originally posted by animalmystic
Brizz, thanks man I appreciate the advice.

Thanks to all who posted advice, and reading through my whole spiel, its much appreciated!!!



Hanging on to a thread of hope, that we could go back to where we were again. But with the advice listed I need to end things now.
No problem, that's what we're here for

A word of caution from past experiences with similar women: It is very likelly that when you do end it, she will come gushing over within a week, if not minutes. She will say she's sorry and she really does like you and then she'll sleep with you and it will be very powerful emotionally. BUT, and here's the kicker, she's really just doing more of the same, and much sooner than you'd imagine you will be right back where you were hanging on to that thread. It can be a viscious cycle. Therefore, as hard as it may be, if she does give the booty call right away, don't go there. Set an established limit, like a month, before you see or talk anywhere but the workplace and stick with it. Use that caller ID, delete her emails. Most importantly, stay strong. These are the hardest relationships to deal with because things get so confusing....which is a sure sign that it just ain't right.

Good luck buddy....
Old 08-26-04, 12:34 PM
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No no no

fuck her if she offers and then toss her aside and fuck her friend while she plays head games
Old 08-26-04, 12:49 PM
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brizz is right. But take El Scorcho's advice too -- just because she's dumping you and you feel like shit is no reason to not fuck her when she begs for it.
Old 08-26-04, 12:54 PM
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Originally posted by weargle
brizz is right. But take El Scorcho's advice too -- just because she's dumping you and you feel like shit is no reason to not fuck her when she begs for it.
Damn! You guys fucking rock! Its like Hermans Head going on in my head its awesome!

Thanks to all for the advice though, Brizz will you be my relationship councelor for the remainder of my life, LOL

Weargle and El Scorcho, you guys are awesome!

Thanks again!
Old 08-26-04, 12:56 PM
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Just remember that there is NOTHING wrong with using a girl for sex that had previously used you for her needs. Besides, it opens up the opportunity for one of those emotional angry fucks. Those are always a good time.
Old 08-26-04, 01:18 PM
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Yep, itís been said but Iíll say it again: end the close relationship, you must move on.

If it wasnít meant to be, it wasnít meant to be.

There are healthy relationships, and there are bad relationships. In a truly healthy relationship, both parties care for each other deeply. In a bad relationship, like this one, you care much more deeply for her than she cares for you, so she has complete control over the relationship (because she has less to lose).

Hereís my advice: Just stop calling her, stop emailing her, and do whatever it takes to go out on dates with other women. Put anything that reminds you of her (pictures, letters, mementos of dates, etc) in a box and bury it deep in your closet (or throw it all away).

Just remember that this relationship is sucking your self-esteem away from you, you must move on and date other women. And you arenít the first one to find yourself in this type of a relationship, the advice you are getting in the thread (not just my post) is from first-hand experience. Getting your heart broken is just one of life's experiences. But, no pain, no gain (in other words, don't stop dating because you are afraid of rejection).

How old are the two of you?
Old 08-26-04, 01:25 PM
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Another post from a woman to say that it is definitely time to cut the ties and move on. Be thankful she was honest with you in the end, a lot of people wouldn't be, they'd just torment you intentionally. And like someone else said don't be surprised if she comes back when you tell her that. But don't fall for it.
Old 08-26-04, 01:29 PM
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dump her, dont stay friends, learn from your mistake.... in that order.
Old 08-26-04, 01:34 PM
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you were rebound guy. As much as it sucks, you need to move on.
Old 08-26-04, 01:39 PM
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Originally posted by animalmystic
Damn! You guys fucking rock! Its like Hermans Head going on in my head its awesome!

Thanks to all for the advice though, Brizz will you be my relationship councelor for the remainder of my life, LOL

Weargle and El Scorcho, you guys are awesome!

Thanks again!
Sure man....years of failed fucked up relationships make one pretty good at this

Normally I would always agree that you should do her when she comes calling - which i'd put money on at some point - but I've been where you are and coming from where you've been you simply aren't capable of just fucking her for fucks sake. There's too many emotions already, and you can't take those back. Not for a good while anyway.

However, there's also the possibility that as soon as you are over her she will call - it's an eerie ability they have - at that point, absolutely, fuck her brains out and kick her to the curb.
Old 08-26-04, 02:42 PM
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Thanks again!

Thanks Datagirl, its nice to have a womens take on this as well.

For who asked, our ages are, I am 28 and she is 26.

Much props to my DVDT family for kicking me in the ass and showing me the reality of whats going on it helps.
Old 08-27-04, 05:55 AM
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Since everyone has already stated what I would've told you, all I'll leave you with is...BE STRONG (even if she comes to you with a seeming change of heart)...
Old 08-27-04, 10:45 AM
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Really, the best way over a broken heart is to not sit at home and dwell on things, you have to get out and date other people. Ask out people you normally wouldn't ask out, just to get out. The goal here isn't to find a serious relationship, the goal is to just get out and have some fun.

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