Go Back  DVD Talk Forum > General Discussions > Other Talk
Reload this Page >

have some of your friends died?

Other Talk "Otterville" plus Religion/Politics

have some of your friends died?

Old 08-25-04, 10:56 AM
  #1  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Im somewhere where I dont know where I am.
Posts: 2,074
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
have some of your friends died?

I felt like having a bit of a rant sob story here-


i have always been one to have a small and close group of friends. 3-4 people maybe as close friends.

My best friend died 4 months ago, from lung cancer. I didnt get to say goodbye to him, and it has been sorta difficult. To make matters worse, about 1 year ago i moved away from my home town, to a town about 1.5 hours away to be close to my girlfriend who was goingto school there. I didnt know ANYONE in the new town, and had to shuffle back and forth from town a to town b to see friends in family in my old town, and my girlfriend in the new town. It seemed to be working out ok, it was more gas money etc. but not a big deal really.

So then my best friend of 14 years died in may. He had a very long struggle with cancer and eventually just tired out and could not recover from the chemo treatments. I told myself that I was "taking it well" over the last few months, but something has obviously been going on. I have not been able to make new friends. They get tossed out quicker than the trash. I am very quick to find fault with new people, and basically give up before it even gets a chance-

To REALLY make matters worse, last month my girlfriend moved 1 hour away AGAIN to go to school at a different town. (yes again). And I am now realizing that I am here in this town, by myself.

Actually the truth is, it doesnt make a hill of beans of difference what town im in, geography is not the issue. The issue is - how do you replace a friend that you loved? I dont mean replace, but how do you find someone that fills that void or space?

I dont need to be surrounded by friends on all sides, but... when you meet a person that is really special, and that you know youll never meet another person quite like it for the rest of your life, thats really hard to have that suddenly taken away from you.

One of the other issues that I have is (and the original reason i started typing this thread), is that I have a LOT of people that are in some gray area between acquaintances and friends. They are those people that you know that if you never called them, you know damn well youd never hear from them again for the rest of your life. Sure theyll talk to you IF YOU CALL THEM, OR IF YOU SEE THEM OUT SOMEWHERE, but other than that, you would not expect to ever hear from them again.

I have (subconsciously) been cutting these people off and eliminating any chance of contact with them again because I got sick and tired of going through the "oh hi how are you?" routine with them. It has gotten to be the same way with lots of distant relatives. I dont bother to keep up wtih them anymore, because they damn sure havent bothered to keep up wtih me

I guess the point of the thread is, If they dont care, then.... do you? If they dont call, do you? Is it better to keep tabs on people and have a huge rolodex of acquaintences, or is it better to concentrate on your real friends and people that you know are there for the long haul-

Comments please-
Old 08-25-04, 11:11 AM
  #2  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: not CT
Posts: 9,618
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Out of sight, out of mind. That's my policy.
Old 08-25-04, 11:12 AM
  #3  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Ferment
Posts: 19,548
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Aquaintances are not friends. They are just people you know. In all likelihood if they wanted to be true friends they would make an effort to contact you. Of course the same goes for you.

It is perfectly normal for friends to drift away. If you meet each other again, the friendship will still be there.

Friends can die. I had a really good friend who died at the age of 32 from lung cancer. Her husband will probably never remarry because he compares all women he meets to his dead wife, and has essentially built a shrine to her.
Old 08-25-04, 11:19 AM
  #4  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Cool As Ice
Posts: 18,483
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
you can never replace someone you loved. You won't find a substitute for him.
I've lost a close friend to a car accident when i was 17. It was the first death i experienced, and very very traumatic. I still think of him, but the pain has dulled considerably.
As a rule, it's harder to make new friends as you get older- you aren't as quick to open up and trust people, and it requires a lot more effort and free time to build a new friendship.
As i started thinking about it i realized that in the last 2 years i've only made one really good friend I have a few close friends but they've all been close to me for years, like 8-14.
I don't really bother with casual acqaintances. Unless i really really like the person and see that they are just as equally interested in developing a friendship i simply don't have time or desire to bother.
Old 08-25-04, 11:31 AM
  #5  
DVD Talk Special Edition
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 939
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
I only have aquaintances. No one I can really trust, depend on, care for, etc. I like to believe they're my real 'friends' but I know I'm just fooling myself but I try to hold on to something. Anything.

Sorry for your loss. I often say 'sometimes bad things happens to good people'.

I'm sure you'll meet someone like your friend. Just give it some time. Sometimes people just need time to heal. Physically and emotionally. Use this time for yourself.

I also believe that 'Good people attract good people'

Take care.
Old 08-25-04, 11:35 AM
  #6  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: on the mountain
Posts: 7,849
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
sorry for your losses .

i haven't lost friends to death, but have lost them to other things... wives, moving, and religion to name a few. it is always hard. and i agree it is hard to meet people that actually become real friends... i think it gets harder as you get older too... fewer ways to meet people, and most people are already wrapped up in a marriage etc, not allowing the same type of friendships that we could establish in higschool/college etc.
Old 08-25-04, 11:38 AM
  #7  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
 
Jazzbutcher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: NYC Burbs
Posts: 2,703
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Good friend in 8th grade-drowning
one of my best friends was killed in a car accident in 1989. another good friend OD'd 1 week later
Old 08-25-04, 11:42 AM
  #8  
DVD Talk God
 
kvrdave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 86,201
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Lost a girlfriend to a drunk driver. We weren't going out at the time, but were just getting back together.
Old 08-25-04, 11:45 AM
  #9  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Lompoc, CA
Posts: 11,468
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
I'm a 45 year old gay man, who "came out" in West Hollywood in 1978. *All* my friends died.

I guess the point of the thread is, If they dont care, then.... do you? If they dont call, do you?
And obviously, if everyone thought like that, nobody would have any friends.

Somebody always has to make the first move. In building friendships, in romance, in whatever. In general, anyone who wonders why "everyone else doesn't call first" is barking up the wrong tree. Maybe they're wondering the same about you.

Last edited by adamblast; 08-25-04 at 11:51 AM.
Old 08-25-04, 11:49 AM
  #10  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: on the mountain
Posts: 7,849
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
well yeah, but if you call first, then you call first again, then you call first again... and after 6 months you realize they never called you... sucks.
Old 08-25-04, 11:54 AM
  #11  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Lompoc, CA
Posts: 11,468
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Originally posted by moorehed
well yeah, but if you call first, then you call first again, then you call first again... and after 6 months you realize they never called you... sucks.
I guess at that point you ask why they never call you back, or you just write them off.

And optionally, egg their car.
Old 08-25-04, 11:54 AM
  #12  
DVD Talk Hero
 
B.A.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: East County
Posts: 33,362
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Fortunately, I have never lost a close friend.

One of these days you will realize that you have to move on w/ your life and let yourself get close to people again.
Old 08-25-04, 11:57 AM
  #13  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Im somewhere where I dont know where I am.
Posts: 2,074
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
actually its not that I dont call people or take the initiative to keep up with acquaintances, its that when i do - it just seems really fake and "going through the motions".

This makes me sick, and is such a turn off that It just makes the next go-around that much more difficult. I have some familiy members that actually ask me the exact same sequence of questions every time i see them (which is ONCE every 1-2 years).
If they were actually interested, or cared 5 % of what would be common respect, they would remember what i said last year!! Some of them ask if im done with college !. ( i finished college in 97 for fuvks sake)

So the same type of thing seems to be the case with meeting new people with me, in paticular 1 or 2 new people ive tried to make solid friends with. But its pretty pathetic when you can tell that both the person your talking to, and yourself, are just going through the motions and saying whatever needs to be said to get through the conversation.

Alot of people have said on here that it gets more difficult as you get older and this is absolutely true. I have found its VERY difficult to make friends with anyone that has a S.O. or wife/husband because they are so locked into a certain social circle, and just dont bother to go out of their way for you. Plus i guess when you get older, you just get really comfortable with your own habbits and hobbies, and lifestyle, and its hard to go out of your way and spend free time and money to get a friendship started.

I guess it either happens (as if its meant to happen), or it doesnt happen at all. you just cant fake it, its there or it isnt-

i need a drink now.
Old 08-25-04, 01:28 PM
  #14  
DVD Talk Hero
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Rosemount, MN
Posts: 32,213
Likes: 0
Received 21 Likes on 14 Posts
I've never had a good friend die, but I also don't have any trouble making new friends. I've made a number of good friends since I moved to this area in 2000.

What helped was that I already knew some people really well when I moved here who introduced me to people...it built from there.

I also got involved in the local theater scene and have made most of my new friends through that.

I'd suggest checking places other than work or bars for new friends.
Old 08-25-04, 01:44 PM
  #15  
DVD Talk Special Edition
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,224
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Originally posted by moorehed
well yeah, but if you call first, then you call first again, then you call first again... and after 6 months you realize they never called you... sucks.
Yeah, I have that problem with most of my "friends" as well. I try to write it off to that all of them are married and I'm not, but it does hurt me to think that they never think to call me.

They are always happy to talk when I call, and we have a good time when we get together, but I wonder why they never think to call me on their own.

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.