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Relationship Advice ?

Old 08-22-04, 07:44 PM
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Relationship Advice ?

I've been dating a woman for almost a year and a half. We get along really well. She has two daughters (7&10) who are with her 1/2 the time. The girls like me a lot and I am able to relate to and get along with them. However, they don't really listen to their mother that much. The problem for me is when they misbehave or fight with each other, which happens frequently. I get really disgusted with them when this happens, however I am reluctant to insert myself into the conflict and become the disciplinarian.

I have talked to my gf about it and she is okay with me stepping in, but draws the line at spanking, which I wouldn't necessarily mind doing sometimes. I have gone up to physically removing one from a room, w/out hitting. I guess I'm just not happy about being in a situation where I have to even deal with these types of situations. It really puts me in a bad mood and spoils the evening for me having to be that kind of person.

I came out of a 9 year marriage where we chose not to have children based on lifestyle preferences and not wanting to assume all of the responsibilities and headaches that come with raising a child. I decided to go into this current relationship knowing about her girls and believing that I should at least try to see if the situation could work for me. At this point I'm not sure how far down the line I see this relationship going. I know that she is a package deal and there are trade-offs, but I'm very reluctant to move in with her and her girls. So far, this has not been discussed, but it logically should at some point. Advice?
Old 08-22-04, 07:46 PM
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RUN
Old 08-22-04, 07:51 PM
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Part of raising kids is having to discipline them. Just make sure if you move in with this chick and take things a bit farther in the relationship that you and her see eye to eye on how to discipline the kids. You should have a talk with her about how you feel, as well.

If you are uncomfortable dealing with her kids when they're being bratty (to the point where it always puts you in a bad mood), maybe it's time to re-evaluate how far into this relationship you want to go.

Personally, I'd never go out with a guy who has kids because I don't ever ever ever want to deal with them.
Old 08-22-04, 07:58 PM
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Originally posted by mllefoo
[B]Part of raising kids is having to discipline them. [B]
Totally agree. I know I learned a lot about being a good human being by the discipline meted out by my elders. I'm very grateful for it too. Of course, for the time being, her kids may hate you but thems the breaks.
Old 08-22-04, 08:01 PM
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You screwed up ... it's too late now. The only way to survive is to kick someone's ass the first day and get a reputation. If you don't do that, then you can rest assured they'll sit back and wait for the opportunity to make you their bitch.
Old 08-22-04, 08:02 PM
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Originally posted by AudioWizard
RUN
I concur.

Check back with her in 11 years, and maybe you can pick it up from there.
Old 08-22-04, 08:08 PM
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Ugh Jack Straw, that's a tough one.

First, talk to her about how you feel. You are not those kids' dad yet it would be tempting once in a while to step in right?

Just talk about your role in this relationship... Try to define it.

I kinda identify with you because all the girls my age (36) that I meet are:

-crazy and divorced with 3 kids

-selfish and alcoholic

-really nice but their career and Pilates rules everything (which is good in a way)

-Beaten up by time and just want to meet someone rich (not me!)

-And yes, a woman with kids will usually drive me away.

Last edited by Darkfriend; 08-22-04 at 08:11 PM.
Old 08-22-04, 08:08 PM
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Re: Relationship Advice ?

Originally posted by Jack Straw
I've been dating a woman for almost a year and a half. We get along really well. She has two daughters (7&10) who are with her 1/2 the time.
Problem 1


I have talked to my gf about it and she is okay with me stepping in, but draws the line at spanking, which I wouldn't necessarily mind doing sometimes*.


*Pedo?

Don't be the father figure unless you are going to marry the chick. You have no right to discipline her kids and they have no right to listen to you. You are not their dad.. yet.


Advice?
Don't get involved with a women with a child. Do not try to play daddy unless you are really going to be daddy. You are in a relationship with HER.. try not to let the childern get in the way.. and just simply run away cause this is a no win situation.
Old 08-22-04, 08:41 PM
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The thing that rubs me the wrong way is allowing her kids to ruin an otherwise great relationship and personality fit that I value a lot. Also, she has acknowledged that she knew that I was getting more than I probably bargained for and is aware of my sensitivity to misbehaving children (not just hers necessarily). As a result, she anxiously tries to get them to behave when I'm around. I could try to wait it out and allow both of them to age a few years, but I suppose adolescence will bring on a new set of issues.

There are many times when they both are really sweet and nice to have around. I just don't think it's right when her kids sometimes show a complete lack of respect for their mother and ignore her by talking back. I believe they should suffer consequences for bad behavior to reinforce better behavior. Otherwise, it just gets worse later on.

Last edited by Jack Straw; 08-22-04 at 09:09 PM.
Old 08-22-04, 08:59 PM
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Two words: Shock collar.

Works for some dogs.
Old 08-22-04, 09:04 PM
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Thanks, I'll take it under advisement.
Old 08-22-04, 09:41 PM
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tiger's kill the offspring of rival males before they mate with the mother
Old 08-22-04, 09:50 PM
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Originally posted by Darkfriend
Ugh Jack Straw, that's a tough one.

First, talk to her about how you feel. You are not those kids' dad yet it would be tempting once in a while to step in right?

Just talk about your role in this relationship... Try to define it.

I kinda identify with you because all the girls my age (36) that I meet are:

-crazy and divorced with 3 kids

-selfish and alcoholic

-really nice but their career and Pilates rules everything (which is good in a way)

-Beaten up by time and just want to meet someone rich (not me!)

-And yes, a woman with kids will usually drive me away.
I was feeling the same way 6 years ago, when I was 36. Then I met a 25-year old with a job (nurse), house, and boat. She didn't need me to be happy; I was (and still am) her luxury item!

If it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody.

Jack Straw Don't be beatin' on no kids if Real Daddy is still in the picture. 'Cause if I was Real Daddy in your situation, I'd take ex-wife to court to get my kids away for 100% custody.

[Dr. Laura moment] You knew what you were getting into, and if you aren't willing to put up with someone else's kids misbehaving, time to pull the plug.
Old 08-22-04, 10:33 PM
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Originally posted by Darkfriend
Ugh Jack Straw, that's a tough one.

First, talk to her about how you feel. You are not those kids' dad yet it would be tempting once in a while to step in right?

Just talk about your role in this relationship... Try to define it.

I kinda identify with you because all the girls my age (36) that I meet are:

-crazy and divorced with 3 kids

-selfish and alcoholic

-really nice but their career and Pilates rules everything (which is good in a way)

-Beaten up by time and just want to meet someone rich (not me!)

-And yes, a woman with kids will usually drive me away.

The answer... date younger chicks.
Old 08-22-04, 10:34 PM
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Or older ones where the kids have grown up and left the nest.
Old 08-22-04, 11:21 PM
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Originally posted by rbbrew
Jack Straw Don't be beatin' on no kids if Real Daddy is still in the picture. 'Cause if I was Real Daddy in your situation, I'd take ex-wife to court to get my kids away for 100% custody.

[Dr. Laura moment] You knew what you were getting into, and if you aren't willing to put up with someone else's kids misbehaving, time to pull the plug. [/B]
I've deferred the disciplining to their mother and father. I've asked her if they are better behaved around their father, and she says generally yes. If he gets in their face, they will comply much quicker. I've been thinking how to help and suggested that she and the "ex" sit down with the girls and basically say that when she is talking to them, it is the same as him talking. I don't know if/when she will do that. I just know that I feel very uncomfortable inserting myself into an "acting up" situation, which I know is a question of "when" not "if".
Old 08-22-04, 11:39 PM
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Tough call.

I had a similar situation where the woman had 3 kids. We all got along very well.... until we moved in together. At that point, things turned to shit. There's a different dynamic that happens when you're under one roof.

Disciplining is tough when they're not your kids because a lot has already transpired by the time you came into the picture. I believe the key is disciplinary consistency between you and your g/f. You'll have to go with the boundaries she has set for you. If you go beyond, you'll catch not only the wraith of your g/f but her girls also. Once you earn their respect you have to maintain it.

They say to go with your gut feeling and you're feeling hesitant about moving in together. Give it more time and keep talking to your g/f.
Old 08-22-04, 11:49 PM
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1. As said before, part of having kids is disciplining them. YOU don't have kids though.

2. Part of having kids is being strict when necessary but also mellow about some things and choosing your battles. It sounds to me like you chose not to have kids because you don't want to deal with the headaches that come with them. That's a reasonable choice, but I'm not sure is it's a good fit to be with a woman who has children.

Talk with your girlfriend about your doubts. She may decide it's better for her to either totally separate her dating and family life, or to find a guy who wants to be a father to her children.

tasha
(I hope you don't move in with her unless you guys get married. I know people do it all the time now, but I think it has to be hard for kids to see their mom have a guy move in who might become a stepfather or might not. If they've already lost a father in the home for some reason, I think it would be hard on them to have you live there in an undefined role that might be temporary (not that marriage is any guarantee of permanence, but it's still more stable than live-in.)
Old 08-23-04, 12:03 AM
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Tasha: I agree with everything you said. I don't want to be their father, I want their father to be their father. I want to be their mommy's new friend. I've gone out of my way to not butt in as far as the parenting goes, letting the mother and father do the heavy lifting. I wasn't sure it was a great choice to be with a woman with two girls, however, I felt it was worth finding out for myself. Perhaps I might like what I found. It turns out my initial inclination was not wrong. I feel that it would be fatal to the relationship to live under one roof. I need my space from her and her kids, and I just don't see me thriving in a 24/7 situation. I will discuss it with her further at some point and let her know what my reservations are. Since the kids (so she says) always ask about me, I'm not sure how easy it would be to separate dating and family life. However, we do spend much more time at my place when they're with their father than vice-versa.

Last edited by Jack Straw; 08-23-04 at 12:05 AM.
Old 08-23-04, 12:10 AM
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Originally posted by Jack Straw
I feel that it would be fatal to the relationship to live under one roof. I need my space from her and her kids, and I just don't see me thriving in a 24/7 situation.
i gotta tell you, if that's how you feel you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. It's not going to get easier, so if you're not prepared to put a lot of work into furthering the relationship you might want to stop wasting her time and yours.
Old 08-23-04, 12:28 AM
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Originally posted by Jack Straw
Or older ones where the kids have grown up and left the nest.
Fuck that, just wait till those daughters are legal and become your next trophy wife.

I agree with CK. if you aren't willing to move in or deal with her kids in the long term this shit isn't going to get any easier. Just cut your losses and run.

Old 08-23-04, 02:04 AM
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Don't move in with this woman. The girls, no matter how wrong in some cases, will always be more "right" than you will be. The cards are stacked against you:

1) Previous divorce
2) Woman has kids
3) Biological kids are always right
4) Biological mother does the FINAL punishment--not you

It sounds like the girls have pretty much had a care-free time since mother is not willing to put her foot down when they get really bad.
Old 08-23-04, 08:20 AM
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Get OUT!!!!In some states, if things Go wrong that broad can nail you for child support even though your not married.

Plus, why be treated Second?
Old 08-23-04, 10:18 AM
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If the relationship had started on a solid foundation taking into account the situation, then it could have worked. Unlike many posters here, I don't believe that a "woman with children" is a de facto deal breaker. But it all depends upon each person's background and personalities, and how the relationship is established.

Unfortunately however, in your particular situation, there is no hope of a happy future with this woman.

It sounds like the woman had some "parenting issues" prior to the start of your relationship... THAT stuff needed to be ironed out BEFORE she considered dating.

You said that you don't want to be these kids' dad... you want "their dad to be their dad". That alone is reason for you to break off the relationship with this woman. If you had any intention (even in the slightest) of marrying her, then you needed to be prepared to be their father. If you didn't intend on marriage, then you shouldn't be dating her.

You should end the relationship immediately. And then you need to think about how you feel about women with children. If you simply don't want to deal with situations like that, then at least you know to avoid those women.
Old 08-23-04, 11:29 AM
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