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Help me understand my friend's new "relationship"..

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Help me understand my friend's new "relationship"..

Old 08-10-04, 05:41 AM
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Help me understand my friend's new "relationship"..

A friend of mine has taken an interest in a girl that he works with. He swears that she is the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. He says that he's getting "so close" with her. He says that she likes him. Here's the weird thing: she's leaving for college in a few weeks, and she refuses to tell him where she lives. He's never had a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (his first marriage ended after his wife [who was a recovering cocaine addict and alcoholic that he met in an AOL chatroom and proposed to her over the phone] was deported back to Canada for lying on the immigration forms; he next got engaged to the sister of a mutual friend, she subsequently dumped him and married a guy that she met at a party; he got engaged to another girl after that, and she then went back to Russia and married another guy). Even before all this, he was dating a girl that turned out to be a lesbian, and she came out when they were dating. Is my friend some sort of a freak, or just a total loser? Help me understand!
Old 08-10-04, 05:54 AM
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Wow. A failed marriage and engagement with neither relationship lasting a total of over 6 months?
Old 08-10-04, 06:19 AM
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A friend of mine has taken an interest in a girl that he works with
Problem #1

He swears that she is the greatest thing that has ever happened to him.
He is dealing with lust. Give him a few weeks, months, etc. and he will see her flaws and change his tune.

He says that he's getting "so close" with her. He says that she likes him
He can say the sky is purple and pink with tiny little horse shoe shaped holes. Doesn't make it so. He is dealing with wishful thinking. Give him a moment for his bubble to burst when she lays it on him.

she's leaving for college in a few weeks, and she refuses to tell him where she lives
She doesn't "like" him like he likes her. Either that or this is just a summer fling and nothing more. Doesn't look like he will be breaking that six month streak.


Sounds like "Your friend" is just terrible with luck. He also seems like someone who defines himself based on the relationship that he has at the time. No other way to explain why he jumps from one doomed relationship to another beside the man is lonely and does not accept himself on any level and only finds meaning when he is with someone else.

Not much to understand really. The guy is helpless and needs to come to terms with being happy with himself instead of trying to look for whoever he is in the eyes of someone else.

Self confidence is something the guy lacks and there is nothing more to understand than that. He will be bouncing from one bad relationship to another. It's not that he's a loser so much that he is just going with anything that moves for all the wrong reasons. He should have realized that the cocaine addict, the illegal immigrant and the lesbo were all wrong for him from the get go for different reasons. But he decided that the only way he could feel complete and happy in life is by having some significant other there to define him.

I say cut him loose. You can't fly like an eagle if your hanging around ducks. Know what I mean? Your friends define you. Water seeks it's own level.

Last edited by Jackskeleton; 08-10-04 at 06:23 AM.
Old 08-10-04, 06:29 AM
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i think its short-sighted to chalk this up to bad luck or coincidense. there's a pattern here. in an ironic twist on typical male-female relations, your friend seems to be unconsciously seeking out women that can't emotionally commit to him fully. he's attracted to the challenge of it. whether he knows it or not. how else do you explain his eagerness to propose marriage?

Last edited by cygnet74; 08-10-04 at 06:31 AM.
Old 08-10-04, 06:50 AM
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Holy Cow, I have never used my TMI card, but I just did.
Old 08-10-04, 06:54 AM
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TMI card? What is that, exactly?
Old 08-10-04, 08:56 AM
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Re: Help me understand my friend's new "relationship"..

Originally posted by Forum Troll
Is my friend some sort of a freak, or just a total loser? Help me understand!
Yes and Yes. For some reason people don't learn from mistakes. A good friend married and divorced an alchoholic. Then got into a string of relationships with the exact same kind of person. She always thought she could help them. They were just going after her because she was easy prey.

In a weird way he's right. After all the others he's had, she is relatively good.
Old 08-10-04, 09:14 AM
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The problem here is that the subject header has quotes around the word relationship, when they really should be around friend.
Old 08-10-04, 11:12 AM
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Originally posted by Jackskeleton
I say cut him loose. You can't fly like an eagle if your hanging around ducks. Know what I mean? Your friends define you. Water seeks it's own level.
That sucks man. First you say that this person should be happy with himself and not try to define himself with an SO, then you turn around and tell Forum Troll to drop him because our friends "define" us. Thats a bit hippocritical don't you think?

Unfortunately there isn't a lot that you can do for your friend except try to point out his errors. The problem with that is he might resent you or just put it off as jealousy of his relationships. People don't think, see, act or do anything normal when it comes to a relationship.

I'll go one further though, my friend is interested in a girl he works with, goes out drinking with her all the time, has slept in her room twice, once in her bed (no sex), and doesn't think she likes him that way.
Old 08-10-04, 11:16 AM
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Originally posted by Groucho
The problem here is that the subject header has quotes around the word relationship, when they really should be around friend.
Old 08-10-04, 11:30 AM
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Originally posted by Jackskeleton
I say cut him loose. You can't fly like an eagle if your hanging around ducks. Know what I mean? Your friends define you. Water seeks it's own level.
You should never cut a friend loose.

On the other hand, if the deadline hasn't passed, I say you trade him to the other team.
Old 08-10-04, 11:42 AM
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The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Old 08-10-04, 11:51 AM
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a.) When the "best thing that's ever happened to you" refuses to even give you her address, you've got a completely warped view of the relationship.

b.) A string of quickly-crumbling engagements and/or marriages--usually to addicts, non-Americans, lesbians--should tell you something. Your "friend" doesn't understand himself *or* his women very well.

c.) Groucho and DVD Polizei are right. You know an awful lot about this guy's details. This is indeed a "friend" we're talking about, right?
Old 08-10-04, 12:29 PM
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Come on Forum Troll. We won't make fun of you, we're your true friends. really.

Dish the dirt.





disclaimer: we will be merciless in our merriment and will humiliate you infront of the world
Old 08-10-04, 01:34 PM
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Originally posted by C-Mart
That sucks man. First you say that this person should be happy with himself and not try to define himself with an SO, then you turn around and tell Forum Troll to drop him because our friends "define" us. Thats a bit hippocritical don't you think?
Yes, he should indeed be happy with himself. But you do realize that if you sleep with the dog you're going to get fleas.
I think the fine line there is that he can't learn or take much from this friend. Whatever the friend does is going to affect him and for the most part drag him down. The friend is going to drag him no where and fast. But if the poster is happy with himself then he wouldn't need mr. loser as a friend to make himself feel better about his status in life.

Old 08-10-04, 02:08 PM
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That's a hell of a way to talk about a friend, Troll..... And I'm not sure about dumping the duck so you can fly like an eagle, though that sort of makes sense. Just tell him the truth if he can't see it for himself....
Old 08-10-04, 02:24 PM
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sounds like he has what i call the "wounded bird syndrome" - he seeks out, however consciously or not, women with serious deeply ingrained flaws that need fixing - and he of course ends up getting burned. I know the type...I used to be that guy. It can be a thrilling ride, but it always ends badly. Very badly. Thankfully, i figured that out after a few bad experiences with women who turned out to be psychos and got my shit together.....I had to accept the fact that the first red flag with any potential partner was my attraction to her in the first place

He'll figure it out.......hopefully....someday....
Old 08-10-04, 04:58 PM
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Originally posted by kvrdave
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Thank you, Dr. Phil.

- Muse
Old 08-10-04, 06:04 PM
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Originally posted by C-Mart
That sucks man. First you say that this person should be happy with himself and not try to define himself with an SO, then you turn around and tell Forum Troll to drop him because our friends "define" us. Thats a bit hippocritical don't you think?
I don't think Jack ever actually criticized hippos.
Old 08-10-04, 06:24 PM
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Originally posted by Jackskeleton
You can't fly like an eagle if your hanging around ducks. Water seeks it's own level. ...if you sleep with the dog you're going to get fleas.
Chicken soup for the Otter soul.
Old 08-10-04, 06:44 PM
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bahahhahaha. I love Jackskelly's phrases in this thread!!!


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