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Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Old 06-21-19, 07:12 PM
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Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

I'll start. Yesterday in the comments of an article about Vidangel "movie sanitizing" company some dude made the following claims:

- Kubrick is a hack because said dude managed to edit 2001 down to 60 min (can't remember, might be 30, doesn't matter) by removing all the non-plot related bits. Because you see, any film that doesn't have a coherent plot from beginning to end can't be a good film.

(goodbye minimalism, surrealism, avant-garde, etc...)

- He then claimed that 2001 is based on a book and that any film adaptation that is not 100% faithful to the source material can't possibly be a good film.

(goodbye all the great films that are "nothing like the book!", ironically "Adaptation" is one of them. I also wonder why he wasn't pissed about "The Shining".)

And he finished with this doozy:

- In the future, this unacceptable behavior towards source material will be criminalized!

(I bet there will also be gulags or re-education camps for all those who possess a basic knowledge of film).

I swear that was some of the wackiest stuff I've ever read about film.

Do you have any examples of bizarro film criticism?

Last edited by eXcentris; 06-21-19 at 07:17 PM.
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Old 06-21-19, 11:14 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

This is the only thread I could find that still discusses him...

https://forum.dvdtalk.com/movie-talk...d-part-ii.html

...but there was once a guy who posted reviews on IMDB where he always deducted points for smoking or blasphemy.
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Old 06-22-19, 06:34 AM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Pretty sure the book was written after the movie. So he was wrong about that.
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Old 06-22-19, 07:50 AM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Thanks to the internet, people with no knowledge or understanding of film can write about film to their heart's content and demand to be taken as seriously as those who DO know and understand film.
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Old 06-22-19, 08:09 AM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Who was it on here who thought any movie under two hours was already a point against it?

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Old 06-22-19, 08:47 AM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Originally Posted by Brack View Post
Who was it on here who thought any movie under two hours was already a point against it?

I think it was Chris (he had at two different user names) that thought a movie had to be at least 2-hours long and rated R to be any good.
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Old 06-22-19, 09:50 AM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

^ I remember when he was around and was always railing against movies that were under 2hours and not rated ‘R’. The funny thing was that at that time I kind of understood his point. When I was younger I didn’t have a lot of money to spend on movies in the theater and felt that I was “getting more for my money” with a 2+ hour movie. (This was 10 or 15 years ago when it was a trend in Hollywood to have 2 1/2 - 3 hour movies on a regular basis). I would consider not paying for movies at the theater if they were only 90 minutes as I didn’t feel it was “worth” the price of admission.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started seeing a lot fewer movies in the theater and see the vast majority of new movies at home so I couldn’t care less what the run time is.

As as far as the ‘R’ rating, I guess he liked the idea of “anything can happen” with an ‘R’ rating and a movie is a bit more restricted on what it can show in a lesser rating. I can sort of understand that line of thinking, especially for Horror and Action films (this was also the same time period that Hollywood was releasing a slew of terrible PG-13 horror movies) I’ve always felt that a competent director can make a great movie regardless of rating but if I try hard enough I can understand Chris’ point.

Unfortunately, the dude pounded the “It Has to be over 2 hours and rated ‘R’” narrative so hard that his opinion became a joke and was pretty hard to defend.
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Old 06-22-19, 09:54 AM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Anyone who criticizes John Hughes films through modern day PC standards. The 80s was a different era from today.
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Old 06-22-19, 12:51 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

In the late 90s, I used to read a Christian movie review website, that critiqued the films from both an artistic and moral point of view.

The one that sticks out in my mind the best is Kundun. The author spent a dozen paragraphs praising the movie for it's beauty, it's fascinating story, the wonderful music... on and on, before finishing with "NOTE: This movie is about a false religion that worships a false god."
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Old 06-22-19, 01:00 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

^

What were the author’s thoughts on The Last Temptation of Christ?
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Old 06-22-19, 02:21 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Originally Posted by ddrknghtrtns View Post
Pretty sure the book was written after the movie. So he was wrong about that.
The 2001 novel was written concurrently with the movie.
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Old 06-22-19, 03:57 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Originally Posted by rennervision View Post
This is the only thread I could find that still discusses him...

https://forum.dvdtalk.com/movie-talk...d-part-ii.html

...but there was once a guy who posted reviews on IMDB where he always deducted points for smoking or blasphemy.
Now that you mention him, I remember that guy.

And this is adult film, but who can forget "we need more "gayness" in straight porn".
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Old 06-22-19, 04:02 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Not the same thing but if you are ever bored I suggest reading random reviews on amazon.com from customers. A lot of them borderline between hilarious and sad.

My favorite was a one star review of Citizen Kane because it was in black and white and and Marlon Brando couldn't act.
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Old 06-22-19, 06:00 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Originally Posted by stvn1974 View Post
Not the same thing but if you are ever bored I suggest reading random reviews on amazon.com from customers. A lot of them borderline between hilarious and sad.
There is a segment on the How Did This Get Made? podcast where they read five-star reviews of terrible movies. Good stuff.
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Old 06-22-19, 08:38 PM
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Re: Welcome to bizarro film criticism!

Nolan’s Batman is a love letter to Neocons. Google it.
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