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Inoperable Humor: The 5 Worst Comedies of All Time by Mike Nelson

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Inoperable Humor: The 5 Worst Comedies of All Time by Mike Nelson

Old 03-07-07, 08:08 PM
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Inoperable Humor: The 5 Worst Comedies of All Time by Mike Nelson

Inoperable Humor: The 5 Worst Comedies of All Time

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Mar 06, 2007 - 12:05 AM

Given a choice between “seeing a bad comedy” and “being punched in the throat by Michael Chikliss” most people would probably choose the former. And given their natural fear of pain and their even more natural revulsion to Michael Chiklis, this may at first blush seem a wise coarse. But is it? (Hint: No.)

Say TV's Vic Mackey did smack you in the Adam's apple (and I wouldn't put it past him), what's the worst that could happen? That's right, he could crush your windpipe and you'd die. And wouldn't any right thinking person choose death over having to sit through some film in which, say, Adam Sandler plays a man who must infiltrate a crooked daycare center by masquerading as an overgrown toddler? Before you answer, please understand that there would be at minimum four scenes of grown ups trying to change Sandler's diaper who end up getting more than they bargained for! Adam Sandler, diapers, poop jokes – five minutes in you'd be forcing the brass knuckles onto Chiklis' meaty fist and begging for him to collapse your windpipe.

I guess what I'm saying is that bad comedies are worse than anything else ever in the whole of human history. And, hey, here are the five worst!

5
Chairman of the Board


What happens when the stuffy, button down world of the corporate boardroom meets the nutty, high-energy mayhem of prop comedian Carrot Top? Well, I would tell you, but the results are so dark, so punishingly and relentlessly execrable that I fear it would break your mind. But here's a little glimpse:

A wealthy corporate type, played by Jack Warden, has car trouble and is rescued by an eccentric inventor named Edison, played with depth and intelligence by British actor Clive Owen (kidding -- it's Carrot, of course). Instead of doing the sensible thing, which is to scream and start swinging madly with a tire iron, Warden goes home and changes his will, leaving everything to Mr. C. Top. (I'm assuming the rest of his estate was divided evenly between Emo Phillips, Howie Mandell, and Gallagher.) Like most people who encounter Carrot Top for any length of time, Warden dies soon after, putting Carrot in charge.

It goes without saying that he runs afoul of all manner of authority figures, including Larry Miller and Raquel Welch, who is now comprised of 68 percent post consumer recycled parts. One of the things that is so frustrating about the film is that at no time does a character ask the question that is surely on everyone's mind: that is, “In the name of all that is good and holy, Carrot Top, what happened to your face? No offense, my friend, but are you a secret government experiment that went horribly wrong? Are you, sir, a freakish monster created by fusing together discarded clown parts? I know -- you fell out of a 750 foot-tall ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, only to be dragged up to the top and dropped several more times, right? Please tell me, I'll go mad unless I know! What are you?!”

4
It's Pat: The Movie


The title tells you all you need to know: Yep, it's Pat all right. Pat, as it turns out, is neither funny, interesting nor in any way entertaining, nevertheless Pat exists.

Pat, as you'll recall, is the Saturday Night Live character of indeterminate sex. (No, you're thinking of David Spade. Pat is the one with dark curly hair.) In early '94, after the first “It's Pat” sketch went over fairly well, the producers took the concept, rolled it into a stiff baton and used it to endlessly and mercilessly beat the American public. We balled up on the floor and covered our heads, but brutal “It's Pat” sketches continued raining down. It must have been while we lay whimpering, hot tears stinging our eyes, that they gave the green light to the feature film.

As for the film, imagine a six-minute “It's Pat” sketch without one single laugh. Stretch it to 78 minutes and add the rock band Ween. It's It's Pat!

3
The Master of Disguise


One day, a studio head shouted to his staff, “Give me a film that features Brent Spiner playing a character with irritable bowel syndrome. And build it around one of those lesser guys from Saturday Night Live – Patrick Weathers or Charles Rocket. No, make it Dana Carvey!”

“But, sir, that won't be funny in the least. In fact, audiences will sprint away from the very—”

“Damn it, man. Don't give me excuses. Give me a weak script and a flatulent Brent Spiner, now!”

For the full 80 minutes of The Master of Disguise, gags leap dutifully from the screen, clear about two inches and fall to their death on the theater floor below. Dana Carvey, playing Pistachio Disguisy – yes, Pistachio Disguisy. Again, he plays a man named Pistachio Disguisy – mugs, cavorts and tomfoolerizes like a madman, and the result is not unlike the worst night of karaoke you've ever seen. Only with no liquor.

2
Junior


If we were to assemble our nation's brightest minds, give them an unlimited budget and charge them with the task of producing the most disgusting comedy premise they could, what might they come up with? George Wendt as a flatulent nudist? The story of a foul-mouth thong tester played by Joan Rivers? A mixed-up farce in which Bill Murray must lick the temporary tattoos off of Walter Matthau's abdomen?

Oh, those are good suggestions all, but the there's no need to convene a panel because the job has already been done by Ivan Reitman and company way back in 1994. Their triumph? A film in which Arnold Schwarzenegger is impregnated by Danny DeVito. The film evokes not so much laughter as it does the desire to begin vomiting continually and not stopping until sometime during the next administration.

And just in case the characters accidentally caused some little spark of actual mirth, dour 60s songstress Judy Collins was on hand to smother it.

In short, ew.

1
Little Nicky


History is divided into two epochs. The Time Before Little Nicky and The Time After Little Nicky. Before Little Nicky all was sunshine and light. Earth was paradise, the flowers were in bloom, children laughed more, the land flowed with milk and honey. After Little Nicky, all is darkness. The birds have stopped singing, the air is hot and foul, even Mary Lou Retton seems listless and sad.

Why? Why did it have to happen? I understand why Adam Sandler would feel it necessary to play the son of Satan, sent on a mission to Manhattan to retrieve his renegade brothers: because, after making Billy Madison, it became clear that Adam Sandler most probably is the son of Satan.

But why the screechy baby voice and the hideously deformed face? Why Harvey Kietel as Satan? Why sweet, talented Reese Witherspoon as Angel Holly? Why Kevin Nealon as Tit-Head? Do you hate humanity that much?

Please, make it The Time Before Little Nicky again. Please?
http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1681
Old 03-07-07, 08:39 PM
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I wouldn't put Little Nicky at number one. Adam Sandler has made far worse (Mr. Deeds) and it's not nearly as bad as #2 - 5 on that list.
Old 03-07-07, 08:48 PM
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I couldn't agree more with Little Nicky at # 1. I can honestly say that that was one of the worst films I've ever seen.
Old 03-07-07, 08:53 PM
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Little Nicky - Never bothered to watch
Mr. Deeds - Never bothered to watch
Billy Madison - turned it off about 10 minutes in...that'd be my vote, though I can't say I'd argue any of them.

I'd definitely find a spot on that list for The Sweetest Thing. Possibly the worst movie I've ever seen (all the way through).
Old 03-07-07, 09:17 PM
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Caddyshack 2 wasn't listed?
Old 03-07-07, 09:19 PM
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I didn't know CRACKED magazine had a website....
Actually, I guess the website doesn't have a magazine anymore
"Well, we gave it our best shot. That's right, folks: CRACKED Magazine is, as of Issue #3, no longer on newsstands. "

3 of 5 of those feature or star SNL comedians....
Old 03-07-07, 09:45 PM
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I liked Little Nicky, the others were bad to say the least.
Old 03-07-07, 10:11 PM
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where are the 2 Deuce Bigalow movies, those are by far the worst piece of garbage ever in comedy.

little nicky wasn't that bad, it wasn't great but better the biglow.
Old 03-07-07, 10:11 PM
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I've seen films #1-#3 and all 3 are completely horrid.
Old 03-07-07, 10:16 PM
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The only one I've ever seen is Little Nicky, and quite honestly, it was somewhat enjoyable. My wife and I still use the Popeye's Chicken joke to this day.

I also would like to see a remake of the film with a serious bent, like a real heaven vs hell battle, maybe with an Ingmar Bergman bent to it.
Old 03-07-07, 10:40 PM
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I have only seen Junior which I would not put on this list.
Old 03-07-07, 10:48 PM
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This is fucking hilarious

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1585
Old 03-07-07, 11:04 PM
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Little Nicky sucks but it is nowhere near the top of the list.

Billy Madison rocks
Old 03-08-07, 12:14 AM
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I'm no fan of Junior or Little Nicky, but they're at least better than 3 - 5 on that list. Master of Disguise should be #1.
Old 03-08-07, 12:24 AM
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Little Nicky was mediocre, but hardly the worst comedy ever.


I still, to this day, can't believe someone thought it was a good idea to make an "It's Pat!" movie.
Old 03-08-07, 12:41 AM
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Date Movie and/or Epic Movie should be up there.
Old 03-08-07, 01:06 AM
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Originally Posted by UAIOE


I still, to this day, can't believe someone thought it was a good idea to make an (insert SNL Skit here) movie.
Fixed!

There's a (large) handful of SNL flicks that should NEVER have been made.
Old 03-08-07, 01:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Rockmjd23
Date Movie and/or Epic Movie should be up there.
Now those should be number 1 and 2. Little Nicky is brilliant compared to those piles.
Old 03-08-07, 01:43 AM
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I cannot agree with Little Nicky or Master of Disguise.
Old 03-08-07, 08:42 AM
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The Deuce Bigalow movies should have been on the list. They're yet another reason why I hate Adam Sandler, as he's apparently the only person that thinks Rob Schneider is funny, and keeps bankrolling his shit-fests.
Old 03-08-07, 08:54 AM
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Thats actually a decent list. I think there are too many horribly unfunny comedies to really pick the top 5. I've seen all but Master of Disguise on that list. The only one that really left me a lasting impression though was It's Pat - I remember specifically noting that there wasn't one single funny scene in the whole movie.
Old 03-08-07, 08:56 AM
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I didn't think Little Nicky was so bad. I own it on DVD. The only other one I saw was Junior, but I don't remember if it was funny or not.
Old 03-08-07, 09:12 AM
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Little Nicky was that bad...just an irritating movie, and I like Sandler.

I thought that Chris Rock movie, Down to Earth, should be on there too.

And Joe's Apartment. That should be #1.
Old 03-08-07, 10:11 AM
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I'm surprised "Road House" didn't make the list.
Old 03-08-07, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Rockmjd23
Date Movie and/or Epic Movie should be up there.
Date Movie was just awful. Didn't watch Epic Movie because of it.

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