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We had our resident zoologist break down five directors that you need to watch out for at your local Cineplex.

5.

Rank: Michael Bay
Movies: The Rock, Bad Boys, Armageddon, The Island
Kingdom: Musicvideotus Annoyingus
Phylum: Hack
Class: None
Order: Random

Family: Bruckheimer
Genus: Ass
Species: A. Hole

Description: Often defying the laws of physics, common sense and even somehow connecting a disaster movie about a meteor to biblical prophecy, the Michael Bay is an exceptionally aggressive creature. Loud, obnoxious and overbearing, the Michael Bay moves his camera so fast that, if you are in the way, you might just get your head knocked off. The Michael Bay uses extremely fast jump cuts in order to confuse and weaken his prey. He goes in for the kill with extreme close ups, bombastic music and MTV style cinematography which numbs the senses, sending his victims into submission. For this reason, despite his relatively idiotic and tactless nature, the Michael Bay is an extremely deadly creature which should be avoided at all costs.



4.

Rank: Steven Spielberg
Movies: E.T., Jaws, Schindler’s List, Munich
Kingdom: Dreamworks/Amblin/Universal/ [Enter Large Studio Name Here]
Phylum: Talented Hack
Class: Jew
Order: Maniuplatus Guilttripatus
Family: Israel, Democrats and Tom Hanks
Genus: Sentimentalist
Species: Steven’s a Big Boy Now

Description: The Steven Spielberg is quite a different creature from the Michael Bay. Relatively mellow and peaceful, the Steven Spielberg has had a sudden and alarming change in behavior. Early in his career, the Steven Spielberg was interested in homesick aliens, Peter Pan, dinosaurs and grave robbers. Now, he focuses on World War II, the Holocaust, the Middle East crisis and slavery. It’s so cute to see such a harmless, insignificant creature try to impress others with a false sense of maturity. However the Steven Spielberg should not be underestimated. Reasons for this sudden change are unknown, and therefore despite the Steven Spielberg’s reasonably peaceful nature, you never quite know what he will do next. His behavior has increasingly become more unpredictable, slowly getting closer and closer to Michael Bay hand-held shaky cam territory. We therefore caution all anthropologists to beware of him.



3.

Rank: George Lucas
Movies: American Graffiti, Star Wars
Kingdom: Moneyhungritus Mogulus
Phylum: Pseudo-Perfectionist
Class: CGI Madman
Order: 4, 5 and 6 before 1, 2 and 3
Family: Sith
Genus: $
Species: $. Bags

Description: The George Lucas is indeed a strange, even contradictory creature. Though he is said to enjoy the small, independent filmmaking system, the George Lucas makes his home in one of the largest studios in the world. Though many admire and respect the George Lucas for his sheer bulk and power, he has no respect for them. A hedonistic creature, the George Lucas works only to please himself and is egotistical enough to trust his own misguided instinct and ignore his admirers. This has resulted in missteps such as Jar Jar Binks, Ewoks and The 30th Re-Release of Star Wars With More CGI than Ever Before!!!!! The George Lucas shows no signs of slowing in his pursuit of material gain while pissing off his fans.



2.

Rank: Mel Gibson
Movies: The Man Without a Face, Braveheart, The Passion of the Christ
Kingdom: Anti-Semiticis Catholictis
Phylum: Looney
Class: Drunk
Order: Xenophobia
Family: Hitler
Genus: S
Species: S.S.

Description: The Mel Gibson is a creature beyond comprehension. To peer into the nature of Mel Gibson is to peer into an empty, bottomless pit of blackness. For more information on the Mel Gibson see “lemming.”



1.

Rank: M. Night Shyamalan
Movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs, Lady in the Water
Kingdom: Plottwistus Bullshitus
Phylum: Pretentious
Class: Rod Serling Wannabe
Order: Lucky
Family: Alfred Hitchcock Wannabe
Genus: Il
Species: Il. Logical

Description: The M. Night Shyamalan is indeed a clever creature. He alone, among all others, is able to pull a plot out of thin air and get away with it. A skilled con-artist, he leads his prey into a story in which he makes up all the rules. There is no logic, there are no boundaries and there is nothing between his bizarre imagination and reality. However, being the crafty creature he is, he leads all of his arbitrary nonsensical plot pieces to a big, huge, “mind blowing” twist ending. Because of this—his most recent behavioral pattern, Lady in the Water, is a clear indicator—he tricks his victims into thinking they had seen something amazing, and he then lures them into his trap of believing that his work will one day influence great leaders and change the world for the better. For this reason, he is the deadliest creature on our list.

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