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Yelling at the Screen (Hilarious essay on Blacks in horror movies)

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Yelling at the Screen (Hilarious essay on Blacks in horror movies)

Old 09-06-05, 10:59 AM
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Yelling at the Screen (Hilarious essay on Blacks in horror movies)

I have a secret passion; the less addicted of you might call it an addiction. I like to watch. I rent base, filthy movies and slip them into brown paper bags so no one can tell. I sit alone in seedy, near-empty theaters, pleasuring myself with this trash. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone about my weakness, although my wife has caught me watching a time or two ("It's a documentary!" is my standard excuse; she's since cancelled the Discovery Channel.). But now I'm ready to step out of the shadows and proclaim loudly, I am a black man... and I love horror movies.

My guilt is overbearing, given the well-worn truism that "black person + horror movie = dead black person".
This is such an ingrained Hollywood reality that it's even been parodied in films like Scary Movie and, um, Scary Movie 2 and 3.

Still, whenever I see that a black person is in a horror movie, I have to watch. While most viewers wonder if Neve Campbell will escape the clutches of the psycho killer, I stay tuned to see if she'll run into Jamal hanging from a meat hook or if Black Thug #3 will find himself on the business end of a mutant shrew claw.

I've even begun to root for the worst.

I'm secretly disappointed when black actors don't die in horror movies... especially that cocksure LL Cool J. (Rappers seem to have an irritating immunity Ice Cube in Anaconda, Rah Digga in 13 Ghosts, Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection probably due to their acute ability to "not go out like that".) While everyone in the theater is yelling, "Don't go in there, fool!", I'm screaming, "Hey, Black Thug #3, I saw a St. Ides roll down that giant shrew hole!"


A few weeks ago, a black actor friend mentioned that he has a role in the upcoming slasher Cry Wolf. "Do you die?" I blurted out, perhaps a bit too eager at the prospect.

He eyed me as if I were plotting his real-life death. "Um, no... I'm actually not in it for very long--"

"Not even off-screen? Like, from natural causes? Or a bear trap?"

"Don't make me punch you in the head," he said. Actors can be a touchy lot.

[More...]
Found this on PopMatters. Thought it was especially funny.

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