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My 12 days of Star Wars

Old 05-07-05, 09:45 PM
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My 12 days of Star Wars



I don't know if I'm the only one who is really gearing up for Episode 3... all the reviews have been getting me more and more excited (they all say it fucking rules) and the endless stream of star wars unleashed action figures, star wars magazine covers, star wars M&M's, star wars Doritos, star wars Pepsi, star wars insulin shots, star wars lightsabre condoms and star wars books has barely been quenching my desire for star wars. To that end, I have decided to really geek out in anticipation of the FINAL CHAPTER in the saga.... ever. So I present the TWELVE DAYS OF STAR WARS.

May 8 - Day 1: Watch STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE on DVD
, while eating one of the aforementioned star wars junk foods. Later, if time permits, dress up like Han Solo, hit the bar and brag to chicks that you "made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs" and offer to show them your "hyperdrive"... if all goes well you should wake up beside a beautiful blonde...if all goes realistically, you'll wake up beside a 45 year old cougar whose kids are grabbing at your sac at the crack of dawn asking if you are their new dad... but don't despair...just compare the lady to the Millennium Falcon..."She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." Sneak out quietly while distracting the children with some Japanese acid trip of a cartoon and get ready for the 2nd day of star wars!

May 9 - Day 2: Watch STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK on DVD while drinking minimum 4 litres of Pepsi products. After watching this classic flick, head out to the bar and start a fight. If all goes well, hopefully you will lose your hand, just like Luke. Then you can get rushed to emergency and get a sweet ass mechanical hand...just make sure that whatever scruffy looking nerf-herder you fight with doesn't cut off your "alone time" hand...because that will just suck. Also, listen to YODA by Weird Al...that song is the shit!



May 10 - Day 3: Watch STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI on DVD. You should try to be wearing full Jedi robes while doing this, or at very least some kick ass ewok slippers. When you're done watching the DVD, dig out the old VHS copy of the "not so special but somehow better" version of ROTJ and watch the Ewoks sing "YUB NUB" over and over... I'm talking at least 25 times. If you don't close your eyes when going to sleep and hear "yub nub" in your head than you haven't watched it enough times...repeat until the song is irreparably etched into your subconscious for life. Here's the lyrics just to help you along:

Yub nub, Eee cho yub nub, Ah toe mee toe pee-chee keene, G'noop dock fling,

Oh ah yah wah, Eee chop yah nah, Ah toe meet toe peet-chee keene, G'noop,

Dock fling oh ah, Coatee chah tu yub nub, Coatee chah tu yahwah,

Coatee chah, Tu glowah, Allay loo ta nuv glowah, Eeh chop glowah, Ya glowah pee chu nee,

Foam, Ah toot dee awe goon daa, Coatee cha tu goo (Yub Nub!), Coatee cha tu,

Doo (YahWah!), Coatee cha tu too (Ya Chaa!), Allay loo ta nuv, Allay loo ta, Nuv,

Allay loo ta nuv glowah, Eee chop glowah, Ya glowah pee chu nee foamah, Toot dee awe goon daa allay loo ta nuv...

This should satisfy your need for ewokiness until day 4 and 5.

May 11 - Day 4: Watch the Ewok Adventures “CARAVAN OF COURAGE” and “THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR” on DVD. After you’ve enjoyed over 3 hours of made for TV Ewok bliss, jump on your computer and Google Aubree Miller. She’s the actress who played the cute as a button Cindel Towani in these masterpieces. Find her address. Jump on a plane and fly to California and knock on her door. She’ll probably have gained a few pounds so you may not recognize her at first. Introduce yourself as “Mitch Cumstein”, a clever alias in case the police become involved. Ask her about her experiences on the film shoot and if she ever got it on with Wicket…when he exclaims that she “Never got it on with Wicket”, bust out your Wicket costume and ask her if she’d like to. Make sure to steal any Ewok props she has lying around…unless that talentless hack has ebayed them all…if that’s the case, make sure to dominate one before you go and don’t flush. That’ll teach her.



May 12 - Day 5: Watch the Ewoks animated adventures “THE HAUNTED VILLAGE” and “TALES FROM THE ENDOR WOODS” on DVD. This one is going to take a lot of strength and will power, so there is no additional items on the agenda…except maybe calling up Aubree and breathing heavily into the phone… or if you’ve got the cash, fly back out to California and hit that again.

May 13 - Day 6: Watch the Droids animated adventures “THE PIRATES AND THE PRINCE” and “TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET”. This one should be watched as part of a drinking game. If C-3PO says anything remotely gay, take a drink. If R2-D2 beeps like a little bitch, take a drink. If anyone calls C-3PO by his “pet name” of Threepio, take a drink. If any of the supporting characters do anything gay, take a drink. About 4 minutes into this 3 hour Canadian made train wreck, you should be plastered…but of course, it’s star wars own wacky ambiguously gay duo, so you’re sure to have a great time and this should keep you pumped up for day 7!




May 14 - Day 7: Watch STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE on DVD. Upon completion of the film, go out and get a roll of toilet paper, some markers and if you’re feeling adventurous, maybe some glitter, glue and googley eyes. Unroll the toilet paper and begin to create your own “Jar Jar Binks toiler paper”. Draw that hilarious orange dude on each piece of TP, colour him in and don’t forget his hilarious catch phrases like “Bombad!” and “Boomdagaser” and the always classic “Yousa people gonna die?” Now if you elected to use googley eyes or sparkles, the next part could be slightly painful. Go out for some Taco Bell and be sure to wash it down with some Star Wars Pepsi. Moments later you should be having a great time in the bathroom. Now, when you’re finished, take your custom made Jar Jar TP and go to town…show that annoying bastard who’s the boss. You can then go to bed feeling completely satisfied and ready for day 8.



May 15 - Day 8: Watch STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES on DVD. When the movie is done, go door to door and ask neighbours if they’ve seen a guy who looks just like you lurking around the neighborhood. Explain to them that you’ve been running weird experiments in your basement and managed to make 5 clones of yourself. The only catch is that the clones eat human flesh. Tell them to be sure to call the police if they spot you roaming the area, because you’d hate for them to be on the receiving end of the attack of the clones. Make sure you get the whole street good and spooked…then go home, put on a white T-shirt and spray it with ketchup. Now run up and down the block screaming weird stuff like “I’m a clone and I’m going to attack! Must have HUMAN FLESH”. This will be hilarious and after you’re out of jail, day 9 is going to kick some serious ass.

May 16 - Day 9: Watch STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE OF DREAMS documentary on DVD. Viewing this documentary will bring you up to speed on how fucking lucky George Lucas has been in his career. How much creative and financial control he has over everything he touches and how awesome he is because of the genius that is merchandising rights. If you’re a film grad, this doc will inspire you…and in turn also depress the living shit out of you. Just go to bed and wait for day 10. If you’re not a film graduate…you’ve probably got a real job and some hope left in you…think about those for a few hours.

May 17 - Day 10: Watch STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS volume 1 on DVD. After the movie, eat more Star Wars snacks. Then be sure to jump onto your favourite movie forum on the web and chat about how badass General Grievous is sure to be and who would win in a fight, Darth Maul or Grievous. Head over to your favourite “adult” forum and discuss how Wookies do it. Do wookies have equipment hiding under all that fur? Discuss the mind blowing idea of Wookie porno and try to find some on the net… if you see one called “Shaven Haven” stay away…it’s horrifying.



May 18 - Day 11: Watch STAR WARS: A MUSICAL JOURNEY on DVD (available with the episode 3 soundtrack). After hearing all the fantastic John Williams music in 5.1 surround sound, you’ll be almost ready for the holy grail…day 12. But first, since you’ve been listening to one of the best film composers on earth, you should get on the net and try to find out what ever happened to one of the worst, Harold Faltermeyer. Call him up and ask him why he sucks so much. Sure, AXEL F is one of the best songs EVER, but beyond that…it’s nothing but suck.

http://www.content.loudeye.com/scrip...110_00_0002.ra

Listen to Axel F a few times and wonder, who would win in a fight, Axel Foley or General Grievous?




May 19 - Day 12: WATCH FUCKING STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH on THE BIG SCREEN. Be sure to go to the first possible showing, preferably dressed up as Obi Wan or maybe Anakin. Bring a canister full of Lava and at the appropriate moment, start spraying that shit around the theatre, just like in the movie!!!! The audience will love it. Make sure you have at least 2 lightsabres with you, so you can duel with the guy sitting next to you during the credits. Also bring some tissues, because you’re going to need them…after balling your head off during the finale and realizing that the STAR WARS dream has come to an end, you should quickly get in line and see it again!

Wow…that should be the best 12 days of your life. I know I’m going to follow this list to the letter, and I recommend you do too. Send me all the details of your 12 days of star wars! Should be a great time!

MATT

p.s. holy shit I must have been bored to do ALL THIS WORK…damn. Can't wait for EPISODE 3!!!!!!! and before anyone thinks i'm making fun of star wars or it's fans, let me just say this... I camped out for Phantom Menace and saw it 10 times... sad but true. I just felt like making myself laugh.

Last edited by mdc3000; 05-07-05 at 09:52 PM.
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Old 05-07-05, 09:57 PM
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You lost me half way through Day #2.

But, I'll pick things back up with you on Day #18 after all the hype dies down.

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Old 05-07-05, 11:32 PM
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Wow, is there really a new star wars coming out? That's so rad!
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Old 05-08-05, 11:46 AM
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It's always good to have lofty goals in life.

I smell a book/video coming out of this.
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Old 05-11-05, 10:58 AM
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Location: Chicago...NOT my kind of town, I hate urban living, but have no choice
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I've recently graduated from a Star Wars "lite" fan to a solid "Moderate"

I have been gearing up for Episode III as well.

I have watched the Classic Trilogy SE on Dvd 2x each as of late

I have watched TPM and just got done with AOTC, 2 nights ago.

I have just bought a Hasbro Obi One Light Saber w/effects.

I plan on getting a Force FX Luke Lightsaber

I am making my own Light Saber

I bought the Darth Vader Mask w/voice changer (it rocks)

I rented Clone Wars Cartoon and shut it off after 25 minutes...I thought it sucked.

Ep III cant come soon enough!
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Old 05-11-05, 01:52 PM
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Need to tape/DVR clone wars volume 2 when they're rerun this saturday night on cartoon network. you really need volume 2 to bring you up-to-the-minute with episode 3's beginning
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