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"What IF" Lord of the Rings was a Bruckheimer film made in Hollywood?

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"What IF" Lord of the Rings was a Bruckheimer film made in Hollywood?

Old 11-09-03, 02:42 PM
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"What IF" Lord of the Rings was a Bruckheimer film made in Hollywood?

Film would be scored by none other than Aerosmith. Perhaps a little Tangerine Dream thrown in for those wanting something more classical. We know how much it improved Legend.

Gandalf is now played by Sean Connery, who shares Arwens "relations" (still played by Liv Tyler, oddly enough) with Aragorn (who is now played by The Rock)

Sam has been replaced with Paris Hilton to star opposite Eminem as Frodo. Sex change was made to address concerns of Hobbits seeming too homoerotic.

Gollum is still played by Steve Buscemi.

The parts of Merry and Pippen are now being played by Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, though, due to contractual stipulations, Eddie Murphy's character will no longer appear Hobbit sized and Sandlers character will be allowed to perform an all new version of the Chanukah song.

The films will still be broken up into 3 parts, but each part will now be 1 hr 40 minutes in length.

I left some of the casting open for input from others...
Old 11-09-03, 02:57 PM
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I don't think anyone would greenlight $1 billion dollars for 3 movies. Besides, there aren't enough explosions to go around.
Old 11-09-03, 03:00 PM
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How about Ben Affleck as Sam and Jennifer Lopez as Rosie, and Nicholas Cage as Aragorn (with his Con Air haircut)?
Old 11-09-03, 03:50 PM
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I think this version would be intensely more entertaining than the original 3..

Side note, I was watching TV last night and the LOTR ad that plays on DVDTALK aired...

Then I came to DVDTALK and there it was again..

ARRRGH!

[probably the only member of dvdtalk who hates LOTR movies]
Old 11-09-03, 03:56 PM
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I think this version would be intensely more entertaining than the original 3..


probably the only member of dvdtalk who hates LOTR movies
Well, I agree with you on half of them. I didn't hate FOTR, but I did not like it one bit. However, I liked TTT quite a bit. Sounds kind of strange, but I can't explain it. FOTR put me to sleep with it's monotony, tedium, and boredom. TTT did just the opposite. Even so, the movies in my opinion could stand to be 15-20 minutes shorter.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.
Old 11-09-03, 06:44 PM
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For Bruckheimer's ROTK, Sauron would recover the ring at the Crack of Doom, and Aragorn would have to engage him a massive sword/fist fight that would leave Sauron hanging on the edge of the fire. As Aragorn reached out his hand in a selfless, heroic gesture to pull Sauron up, Sauron would attempt to pull him in with him. Aragorn would have to kick Sauron repeatedly in the head until he fell screaming into the fire. Free from "The Curse of the Precious" (the new title of the first movie), Gollum would revert to his original form, now played by Chris Kattan.

As Aragorn enters Gondor to assume his legacy, Smashmouth's "All Star" would be playing in the background.
Merry and Pippin would find a golden chariot and ride back to Hobbiton with Shadowfax pulling it, while Frodo and Sam, along with the others would sail into the west. Actually, Key West.
Old 11-09-03, 06:51 PM
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Well done, Jason!
Old 11-09-03, 11:01 PM
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Best thread ever.

Legolas would be played by Ben Affleck and instead of a bow and arrow he'd be armed with a horse and cart that has a Gatling Gun mounted in the back. No explanation would be given for why he has a Gatling Gun. Your not supposed to think during a Bruckheimer Production after all.
Old 11-10-03, 12:49 AM
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Gandalf: "Frodo, you've got to destroy this ring quickly before the world is destroyed. Here, get in this Ferrari and drive like the wind!"

Frodo: "No prob, Ganddie!"

Cut to Frodo driving fast and screaming, while the world begins exploding behind him.
Old 11-10-03, 01:24 AM
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I think this discussion is kind of unfair.

First of all, "The Lord of the Rings" films are very much "Hollywood films." Peter Jackson wanted to make film versions of the books, and Miramax owned the rights. Jackson's arrangement with Miramax went south, and he managed to get New Line to buy the rights from Miramax and put up the dough. New Line, incidentally, is a subsidiary of AOL/Time Warner, and they were betting their independence and future existence on these movies to keep them from getting folded into Warner Bros.

The "Lord of the Rings" films are Jackson's dream project that he's apparently been trying to get funding for for years. New Line's bet on him is pretty amazing, considering his pre LOTR filmography, but these weren't going to happen any other way because nobody else was particularly interested in doing them.

Bruckheimer has been around a long time, and he's very successful. He's made some movies that are pretty decent, and some movies that are crap, artistically speaking. But almost all of his films have been very successful and made a lot of money. Say what you will about his philosophy of the box office, he's not a dummy.

Bruckheimer has no incentive to license a cherished property and then mangle it. He's never done that. I expect that, if he had been attached to "Lord of the Rings," he probably would have made a film that's pretty close to the books, though it probably wouldn't have been the same films Jackson made.

In fact, I would argue that there would be no "Lord of the Rings" films without Bruckheimer and those who share his philosophy of the "event" picture.

Quite frankly, the complaints you guys have about Bay and Bruckheimer are the same complaints people 20 years ago had about Spielberg and Lucas.
Old 11-10-03, 03:38 AM
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I agree that most people have unfairly went way overboard in the many ways Bruckheimer would have mangled LOTR (in even more horrific ways than many Tolkien geeks could have imagined). I think Bruckheimer demonstrated his willingness to back more "serious" pictures with Black Hawk Down. While not a great adaptation of the book by any means it didn't turn out to be as big a fiasco as many imagined it would be. Everyone expected it to be something similar to Pearl Harbor which it was not. And Pirates of the Caribbean (not a book adaptation) did not resemble the usual Bruckheimer formula. He does want to make better pictures.

And I agree many of the same arguments against Spielberg and Lucas are made against Bruckheimer. Bruckheimer knows how to churn out a movie that's popular with audiences. But the big difference is, I believe even back then critics and audiences generally regarded Spielberg/Lucas movies with far more respect than Bruckheimer's ever did.

Last edited by Ian11; 11-10-03 at 03:42 AM.
Old 11-10-03, 04:02 AM
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Scandal, thanks for taking the fun out of this thread.

i'll try to get it back on track.

Gandalf: Bruce Willis

Aragorn: definitely Affleck

Arwen: liv tyler

Frodo: freddie prinze

sam: matthew lillard

Sauron: a giant asteroid

merry: joey pants

pippin: martin lawrence
Old 11-10-03, 09:39 AM
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Now if they could only fit Optimus Prime in somewhere....
Old 11-10-03, 09:45 AM
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Legolas: Matt Damon

Cave Troll: Michael Duncan Clarke (with the help of Stan Lee and ILM)

edit: oh, and Julia Roberts/Cameron Diaz as Galadriel.
Old 11-10-03, 09:56 AM
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Why change Sam's sex? It's a Bruckheimer movie, it NEEDS homoerotic undertones...
Old 11-10-03, 01:30 PM
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Originally posted by DonnachaOne
Why change Sam's sex? It's a Bruckheimer movie, it NEEDS homoerotic undertones...
Old 11-10-03, 01:43 PM
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Bruckheimer would also add some big name band to do the end credit song ("none of this sleep inducing Enya crap") and play it ad nauseum on MTV, essentially editing the entire storyline to 4 minutes
Old 11-10-03, 01:45 PM
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quick everyone be serious
Old 11-10-03, 02:05 PM
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Re: "What IF" Lord of the Rings was a Bruckheimer film made in Hollywood?

The number of fanboy suicides would increase tenfold.

Honk!
Old 11-10-03, 02:34 PM
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Re: "What IF" Lord of the Rings was a Bruckheimer film made in Hollywood?

Originally posted by rushmore223
Gollum is still played by Steve Buscemi.


sararekuforever: Where's the love????

ScandalUMD: Chill out a bit. It's called humor.
Old 11-10-03, 03:31 PM
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To tell you the truth, I think Peter Jackson did a good job, but not the best. am quite disappointed actually. It still turned out to be a Hollywood movie in the end. Peter Jackson still rules though.
Old 11-10-03, 03:40 PM
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Gandolf would be played by Burt Reynolds, Aragorn by Colin Farrell, Frodo would be Mark Wahlberg with Bilbo played bt Danny Devito. Sauron would be played by Mickey Rourke and he would seduce Arwen played by Liv Tyler and pimp her out to try and recover the ring. Gollum would be played by Jarrod from subway, he would carry around a sandwich referring to it as "My Precious".
Old 11-10-03, 03:51 PM
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Sounds like something worth my $7.50. The Rock and Liv Tyler... that's hot.
Old 11-10-03, 03:52 PM
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After the battle, when Isildur cuts the hand off of Sauron, the cameras would pan over the battlefield past all of the dead and dying. The shot would end by the camera pulling out from the carnage and panning over to a tattered, yet still waving, American flag.
Old 11-19-03, 10:01 AM
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Originally posted by Shilex
Cut to Frodo driving fast and screaming, while the world begins exploding behind him.
All set to Hoobastank's "Crawling in the Dark" or other such similar music from "The Fast & the Furious".

The part of Frodo will now be played by Vin Diesel and Gandalf will be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

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