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funniest critic blurb youv'e ever read?

Old 02-19-03, 05:11 PM
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funniest critic blurb youv'e ever read?

weather it be a lie, or you read it on rottentomatoes"
Heres mine from the war movie "gods and generals"
"Once you factor in the trailers, the commercials and the intermission, this will be an over-four-hour movie experience. I wouldn't even want to make out with Jennifer Garner for more than, like, three hours."
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Old 02-19-03, 05:23 PM
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Can't remember the film, but a local critic once describe a (horrible) film with this gem:

"I know most people think movies are just for killing time, but this is more like tying it up in the basement and torturing it for two hours."
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Old 02-19-03, 05:42 PM
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Ebert on North

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it."
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Old 02-19-03, 05:44 PM
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"This film is art-directed like Architectural Digest come to life."
- The Washington Post

Out of all the reviews for the film, this was the best quote they could find to place on the DVD packaging of the film Boxing Helena.
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Old 02-19-03, 07:42 PM
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Anything David Manning wrote.
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Old 02-19-03, 08:29 PM
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Rypro 525,

I just read that blurb from Rotten Tomatoes today and it made me laugh out loud. When I saw your post, I was of course going to reply this as my favorite blurb. Little did I know that quote was the one that prompted this thread.
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Old 02-19-03, 08:32 PM
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On the tv ad for Dark Blue it says "The best movie of 2003 so far!" lol I laugh everytime.....
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Old 02-19-03, 10:16 PM
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Can't remember who said it in a review of Philadelphia regarding the Snidely Whiplashlike boss played by Jason Robards:

"To call the Jason Robards character a cartoon would be an insult to Fred Flintstone."

Last edited by movielib; 02-21-03 at 08:18 AM.
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Old 02-19-03, 10:20 PM
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For comedy classic the Stupids
"Madcap fun. It's Tom Arnold's finest hour, though that's not saying much."
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Old 02-19-03, 11:32 PM
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I think it was a newspaper review headline that said: "Asinine 'Assassins' Misses the Mark Big Time."
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Old 02-20-03, 10:53 AM
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review from rotten tomatoes about madonna's swept away...

"Festers in just such a dungpile that you’d swear you were watching monkeys flinging their feces at you." -- Erik Childress, EFILMCRITIC.COM
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Old 02-20-03, 12:01 PM
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There was a review of "Children of the Corn II" that said "Even better than the original!" You only have to remember how bad the original was to put in in context.

Though not funny, the "Dazzling and Fiercely Hypnotic" blurb of Peter Travers from "The Crow" sticks with me. Whenever someone asks my opion of something, I tell them is was "Dazzling and Fierecly Hypnotic."
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Old 02-20-03, 12:30 PM
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My favorit was for the Shaq vehicle, Kazamm!

The posters for the movie declared it: "Fun!"
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Old 02-20-03, 03:10 PM
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"I Laughed Until I Stopped."

I have no idea if that was actually used...don't even remember where I first heard it...I just love the saying.
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Old 02-20-03, 04:22 PM
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Jay Sherman - "...and that's why Goldie Hawn should be shot!"

Honk!
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Old 02-20-03, 04:50 PM
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This is a good one regarding Speed 2: Cruise Control -

"Jan deBont could make an ice cream truck tootling down your street look exciting...[but] grab some popcorn and try and invent a drinking game based on the silliness."
-- Karina Montgomery, CINERINA
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Old 02-20-03, 09:20 PM
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From the Joe Queenan book, "If You're Talking To Me, Your Career Must Be In Trouble:

"If Penelope Ann Miller is still alive, she is the world's worst living actress.

And if she's dead....GOOD!"
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Old 02-20-03, 09:24 PM
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On the box for Tarkovsky's "Stalker": "It's Eraserhead meets Bladerunner!"
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Old 02-20-03, 11:55 PM
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Originally posted by Brak55
"I Laughed Until I Stopped."

I have no idea if that was actually used...don't even remember where I first heard it...I just love the saying.
I don't know why this made me think of a review of Monty Python somethingorother, or a review BY a Python....

Then I found "The Road to Mars" written by Eric Idle, with a review on the cover from Steve Martin that says "I laughed, I cried, and then I read the book."

Rather enjoyable book by the way.
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Old 02-21-03, 12:29 AM
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A few gems (the first is simply in a class of its own):

A Star is Born (1976) - "A bore is starred" Village Voice

9 1/2 Weeks - "It only seems that long" Rose

Hurry Sundown - "To criticize it would be like tripping a dwarf" Wilfred Sheed, Esquire

Kickboxer (1989) - "...Mr. (Jean Claude) Van Damme is a sensational discovery, combining the balletic grace of Mikhail Baryshnikov with the acting ability of a turnip" Christopher Tookey

Isn't it Romantic? - "No" Leonard Maltin's one-word review.

Caligula - "Far more Gore than Vidal" Variety

Bride of the Monster (Ed Wood) - "There are enough campy elements to keep Wood fanatics pleased - and Lugosi's fight with a rubber octopus (for which Lugosi must wrap the tentacles around himself) is truly hilarious" Danny Peary
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Old 02-21-03, 12:33 AM
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A few years ago I was in a video store withe some buddies. We had a habit of renting the lastest Ice-T, Van Damme, et al. straight to video releases. They're great for laughs late at night. We stumbled on a movie sitting on the new releaserr rack... called "Sabotage". The star was Marc Dacascos. I'm too lazy to make a link to imdb, or to check if it was actually attributed to a "critic" (it may have just been the tag-line, but that would be even funnier).

What did it say on the box? "Every bit as good as SNIPER!"



Since then, my friends and I use this line whenever we can, substituting other titles when appropriate.

Last edited by Five Cent Deposit; 02-21-03 at 12:54 AM.
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Old 02-21-03, 12:42 AM
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Eh, I just checked imdb and amazon, neither has a scan. But just for kicks, check out the tagline listed on imdb, and the first user review. Sabotage (every bit as good as Sniper, really)

edited to add:

Ahhh, gotta love ebay. read the seller's decription, and check out the scan!

I wonder if that description is from the back of the box, or if the seller made it up. Either way =

Last edited by Five Cent Deposit; 02-21-03 at 12:50 AM.
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Old 02-21-03, 10:39 AM
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Little Indian, Big City: "If the third reel had been the missing footage from Orson Welles' `The Magnificent Ambersons,' this movie still would have sucked.''- Gene Siskel via Ebert

http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert_...6/03/3222.html

This would be my all-time favorite review.
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Old 02-21-03, 11:27 AM
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This was from Ebert's zero-star review of Jaws the Revenge:
I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn't want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?
It's presented so dryly that it gets me every time.
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Old 02-21-03, 11:48 AM
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From today's NY Daily News review of Gods And Generals:

"..... tedious ...the Civil War in real time"

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