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Critique A Movie You Haven't Even Seen!

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Critique A Movie You Haven't Even Seen!

Old 01-23-03, 10:46 PM
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Critique A Movie You Haven't Even Seen!

With so many people in this thread putting down movies that they have yet to even see, it's time to create a thread just for that.

Let's all critique a movie that we haven't seen, and put it down for no apparent reason. Basically get your frustration out by ragging on any movie that you think should have never been made, and have absolutely no intention of seeing. I'll start with "Just Married":

Ashton Kutcher has absolutely no range as an actor beyond "That 70's show". This movie will make "Dude Where's My Car" look like "Citizen Kane"! If I wanted to see a movie with CGI cockroaches, I'd rent Joe's Apartment before this tripe. Just seeing the trailer made my IQ drop 50 points.

Just listen what the critics have to say:

The wittiest, most thought-provoking movie of the year! -Joe Sixpack

It had me rolling in my grave! -Gene Siskell

Not since Speed 2 have I laughed so hard! -Jason Patrick

Give it a try, it really feels good!
Old 01-23-03, 11:09 PM
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"Kangaroo Jack sucks"
Old 01-23-03, 11:12 PM
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Jack Nicholson runs around for two hours playing Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt....surely the man is a genuis!
Old 01-23-03, 11:15 PM
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re: Justin & Kelly, Biker Boyz & Fast & the Furious II

"I invented film for this?!?!" -- Thomas Edison
Old 01-23-03, 11:38 PM
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8 Mile is a shameful waste of film in which the no-talent hack Eminem, a rags-to-riches whiteboy rapper, reaches deep into his bag of thespian skill to play......a rags-to-riches whiteboy rapper.

The film can be completely described as "'Rocky,' but with rap instead of boxing." Was this a formula that just cried out for cinematic treatment? I would rather have seen a film that was "'Rocky,' but with Hungry Hungry Hippos instead of boxing."

Also, the Matrix sequels are amazing!

Great thread idea Chad!
Old 01-23-03, 11:51 PM
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I understand critiquing a movie that I haven't seen, but why does the critique have to be bad?

"Gangs of New York" is the greatest movie ever made and quite possibly the greatest achievement in human history. A million monkeys typing on a million typewriters for a million years would never produce anything so good, even if they were genetically-enhanced super-monkeys. Martin Scorcese is the very definition of "genius". If you were to look up "genius" in the dictionary there would simply be a picture of Martin Scorcese and an arrow pointing to him. If Martin Scorcese were emperor of the world there would be no crime, pollution, illness, poverty, war, or bad movies, and we would have already colonized Mars and possibly Jupiter by now.

To say that Leonardo DeCaprio was brilliant is a slap in the face. Brilliance in itself is utter crap when compared to the magnificence portrayed by Leo in this cinematic masterpiece. Not only should Leo win Best Actor for this role, but the previous 10 winners should have to forfeit their awards to him and line up to kiss his ass while he makes his acceptance speech.

Rating: I wish I had about a zillion more thumbs to put up.
Old 01-24-03, 12:20 AM
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The Recruit, starring Al Pacino and Colin Farrell is a typical, but amiable thriller whose plost twist is ruined by the film's trailer, which suggests that the double agent, is, in fact, the Al Pacino character. Just LOOK at the way he smokes a cigar. Pacino's not mailing it in on this one--certainly didn't make The Recruit just because he needed a paycheck.

And just like in real life, everyone graduated at the top of their class at a prestigious university, and is qualified to model for the Gap or Calvin Klein.
Old 01-24-03, 01:16 AM
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Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

The result of giving a lovesick, fanboy director the helm to film a epic with a a high profile cast, being lead by an actor I can't stand seeing.

A long film, with magic and creatures and other stuff, is 3 hours of pure fantasy. If you want to spend 3 hours of your life you won't be refunded on, go see Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

(Awaits to be flamed for his poor attempt at humor)
Old 01-24-03, 01:48 AM
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Cool As Ice is surely the film that defined a generation, as well as being a classic that stands the test of time. Vanilla Ice gives a performance that defines the word "divine." In fact, his performance was so good that after completing this film, he refused to act again for many years, until the brilliant script and acclaimed cast for The New Guy prompted him to come out of retirement. Bjork would later pay homage to Vanilla when she refused to act after starring in Lars Von Trier's Dancer In The Dark. The cinematography is incredible, each shot glimmering as if the very celluloid the image was printed on were made of ice with a few drops of, you guessed it, vanilla. In fact, in a truly daring use of mis-en-scene, every frame of Cool As Ice has a piece of ice hidden somewhere in the picture. Eminem's 8 Mile is nothing but a pale imitation of Cool As Ice, truly one of the great masterpieces of film.

"And I thought my movie was pretty good." -Prince
"My one regret in life is not directing Cool As Ice." -Steven Spielberg
"Man, Vanilla Ice is, like, totally my idol. Fo' sheezy." -Norman Rockwell

Last edited by Supermallet; 01-24-03 at 01:58 AM.
Old 01-24-03, 02:30 AM
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Hollllly cow, The Matrix sequels are sooooooooooooo amazing
Old 01-24-03, 03:31 AM
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They may be doing #1 but this movie is more like #2! ~ Then again someone has to star in all the garbage movies and no one is better suited for that than Adam Sandler. He's just perfect for such a role......Or should I say for such a log

Old 01-24-03, 04:10 AM
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It's more fun to trash on a movie that is well regarded for the most part for no apparent reason. It's late and I'm bored so here goes:

"The 25th Hour" of boredom

Edward Norton strikes again! Never in the history of film has an actor done as much damage to Hollywood's glorious image as Mr. Norton. After inflicting travesties such as Fight Club, American History X, Primal Fear, and The Score on moviegoers everywhere, he shows up once again and leaves a big turd on the silver screen.
Norton stars as Monty Brogan, a young man on his last day of freedom before he begins a seven-year jail sentence for dealing drugs. That is most definitely the lamest idea for a movie ever! Who comes up with this garbage? Gee, I wonder what happens at the end of the movie. He GOES to jail! I mean come on; a retarded bunny rabbit with his head jammed up his butt could come up with a better script. It's like all those freaks who went and saw Titanic. The boat sinks! Do yourself a favor and go see some quality Hollywood fare like Kangaroo Jack or National Security. Better yet, go rent Ishtar from your local video store. You won't regret it.
Old 01-24-03, 07:48 AM
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The film stars Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, and Meryl Streep, three darlings of AMPAS (I don't see why because the movies they've been lately have stunk worse that poo on a stick). This movie has all of the ingredients of a Best Picture nominee: boring plot, stiff Merchant-Ivory dialogue, colorless cinematography, and is produced by the brothers Weinstein. I forgot what characters Juilianne More Oscars, and Meryl Steep plays, but I do know that Nicole Just-Kidding is playing the crazy loon Virginia Woolf, and boy is she not a sparkling diamond.

Out of 10 points, The Hours gets 1.

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