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A Letter from Sauron (humor)

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A Letter from Sauron (humor)

Old 01-19-03, 02:23 PM
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A Letter from Sauron (humor)

------------------------
Sauron Speaks....

Good evening, mortals, I'd like to introduce myself.
I'm Sauron,the Lord of the Rings.

Caught the title, did you? I should expect so. Most of
you idiots might remember the title to the movie with
Frodo, Legolas, and/or Aragorn in it. Which is why
we're going to have a little conversation.

*I* am the Lord of the Rings. Not some midget with
hairy feet and blue eyes the size of saucer plates.
Not some pretty boy with pointy ears and a blond wig.
Not some loser king-turned-ranger-turned-king badly n
need of a haircut and a shave. Me. Sauron. The
Deceiver. The real honest-to-Tolkien Lord of the
Rings.

I don't mean to complain. I'm glad you came to see my
movie. But you seem to have lost focus. The bloody
movie is named after ME!! It's not "Midget Carrying A
Ring," or "Cute Elf Boy," or "Sexy Ranger." It's "Lord
of the Rings." If it was about one of the above, I'm
sure they would have renamed it to "The Ringbearer,"
or some other flowery title.

I am *sick* and *tired* of you little fangirls (and a
few of the fanboys) going on about how cute Frodo was.
Or how hot Legolas was. Or how sexy Aragorn was. Are
they the real stars of the movie? No. I am. Without
*me*, there would be no movie!!

Without a doubt, *I* am the most important character
in the movie. Middle Earth depends on me to oppress
it and wreak havoc and evil. Do you have any idea how
hard it is to corrupt, taint, destroy, and ruin
*everything* you touch? It's not easy, let me tell
you. It's hard work being an overlord of evil! I have
all these evil plans to concoct, and there's a lot of
appearances to be made. I hardly get any sleep, what
with having to keep an eye out for everything those
idiots do to try and thwart me.

But do I have any fangirls? Do I have ridiculous girls
who collect images of me, and devote entire shrines to
how sexy I am? Do I get any appreciation? No. I am
unloved, uncared for, and in the end, I have to die,
just to make the heroes look good. Would you even
appreciate Frodo completely if it weren't for *my*
ring? Would you like Legolas so much if I didn't
provide his targets for him to show off with a bow?
Would you think Aragorn was so sexy if he never had to
draw his sword and fight off my minions? Would you
have liked the movie as much if I didn't arrange for
the dramatic deaths of at least two characters? If it
weren't for me, there'd be no movie.

Now, I know I don't have a pretty face and long, blond
hair. Or big blue eyes and a sensitive face. Or
smoldering green eyes and classic good looks. But a
little appreciation would be nice. What about my
lidless eye, wreathed in flames, eh? Now that's
cool.Does Frodo have a idless eye wreathed in flames?
I think not. Hell, he can barely keep his eyes
symmetrical without photo manipulation. And what about
my cool metal suit of armor? Does Legolas have a suit
of intimidating armor? No, he doesn't. All he has is
some frippy Elf clothing, and stupid braids. And he
walks like a girl. And what about my piece d'
resistance? The One Ring? Does Aragorn have the One
Ring at any point of the movie? No, he's so scared of
it, he sends off the little hobbit like a coward. And
he spends more time touching Legolas and Boromir in
that movie than Arwen. (Wonder what *that's* all
about, eh?)

Obviously, I have some interesting qualities I feel
are overlooked. All you fangirls (and fanboys) need
to stop drooling after Frodo, Legolas, and Aragorn.
Stop it with the obsession!! You're losing focus for
the movie!! Do you think Tolkien created those
characters so you could chase after them in your
sexual fantasies? I think not. The old bastard was way
too interested in cross-dressing women to create male
fantasies for you. *I* am the star of the show. And I
want to be loved for what I am, and what I do!!

I mean, look at yourselves. Just *look* at what you've
turneinto. Instead of appreciating the film, the
books, or even the important message behind the story
(don't steal other people's jewelry),you chase after
the male characters in the story. I've even seen
shrines to Boromir. Boromir!! He bloody well died, you
know!! The loser practically tried to rip Frodo
limb-from-limb to get the ring, and yet, you
appreciate *him*, just because he tried to save those
idiots, Merry and Pippin. The fools got everyone in
trouble more times than *I* did in the film, and you
still like *them*. I barely had to do *any* evil in
the first movie. Pippin was doing a rather nice job of
it all by himself.

Take the scribe of my message, J. Marie, for instance.
The fool girl has a shrine to naked Viggo Mortenson
pictures on her hard drive. Now that's sad. She has
filled up folders of precious memory with pictures of
Orlando Bloom. She's wasted countless hours agonizing
over writing fanfiction (about Aragorn and Legolas, no
less). She's seen the movie *six* times, with no end
in sight as of this writing, simply so she can drool
over Aragorn and Legolas. It's pathetic, I tell you.

Where are my shrines? Why does she go to the bathroom
during the parts of the movie before Aragorn shows up?
Why does she concern herself with the pizza grease on
her hands during *my* scenes, yet didn't even notice
her brother spilling Pepsi all over her pants when
Aragorn was fighting the Nazgul? It's unfair.

She'll quote you *Gollum* before she can mention
anything that I have done to make this film great. She
just shrugs and tells all her friends she hopes
Aragorn gets a nude scene in the next movie!! How
degrading!!

And where were *my* Oscar nominations?? Nobody would
care about Gandalf if it weren't for *me*!! He'd be
nothing without *me* to define him!! It's an
injustice!!!

And don't even get me started on the fanfiction.
Where's my sex scenes? (I'm a lover, not a fighter,
you know.) My thoughts and angst?? Where's my slash
moments (I personally think that Gandalf and I need to
get the hook-up), or the times when I kidnap Arwen
from Aragorn? Where's the Mary Sues that try to get
*me* to marry them? I'll have you know I have some
very nice love poetry stored up for just that
occasion. It's always about Aragorn, Legolas, or
Frodo!!

I'm asking for some focus here. For people to
recognize that the Lord of the Rings is about ME. The
Lord of the Rings. Not the ranger who needs to shave.
Not the Elf who looks like a girl at a distance. And
certainly not some computer-midget-ized hobbit with
eyes too big for his face. I'll get him. And his
little dog, too.

I *demand* equal rights. I want web shrines, folders
full of images of me on your hard drive, people paying
eight bucks a pop just to see *me* on screen
repeatedly, fanfiction, love scenes, Mary Sue fics,
grand kidnapping the damsel scenes, horrific
storylines, and angst-filled stories!! I *am* the Lord
of the Rings!! It's all about ME!! ME!!!
MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I need to go take my medication now.

Has anyone seen my teddy bear, Mr. Wuggles? I want to
go sleepies now...

Mr. Wuggles... where are you, Mr. Wuggles??
Old 01-19-03, 04:05 PM
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Always knew the guy was "flaming."

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