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The 10 Manliest Superheroes

Old 07-08-08, 10:49 PM
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The 10 Manliest Superheroes

The 10 Manliest Superheroes

It seems these Top Tens might become a weekly affair here for the foreseeable future or until we ‘jump the shark’ and do a Top Ten with something about ‘babes’ in comics. God, I’m dreading the day I ever do it, but we aren’t above making other, very important and very serious, Top Tens that are formed with an exacting science, applied to rigorous tests, and made from only the finest ingredients.

Keeping that in mind, we’ve decided to bring you the Top Ten Manliest Superheroes. Now what makes a superhero manly? I like to think a ‘manly’ manis best known for his lack of knowledge on fashion, his chauvinist attitude toward feelings (marked by a great emotional dysfunction), and his general willingness to fight at the drop of a hat. Taking this all into consideration, we give you the Top Ten Manliest Superheroes:

10. Captain America

Captain America is a lot like Batman in that he fights with his fists, is a bit of a rebel, and tends to take the moral high ground a lot. But unlike Batman, Cap is a badass 24/7. Steve Rogers (his real identity) is just as manly a man as Captain
America. Cap also doesn’t need a bunch of fancy doo-dads like Batman over there, but gets things done with a simple shield. Like MacGyver before him, Cap can do just about anything with that darned thing.

It should be noted that, along with Optimus Prime, Cap is a natural born leader who is able to lead other manly men just as easily as he is going it alone. He was once a chopper riding rebel (when he took on the identity of Nomad), and Cap’s only worried about feelings of camaraderie with his fellow soldiers. His women tend to be somewhat manly as well (we’re talking personality here), like his love affair with the attractive but deadly Agent 13, but note that he never commits to her. Partly cause he gets a little Atlantean on the side and partly cause a manly man can’t be tied down to dead weight ya hear?

9. Optimus Prime

Ok, bear with me on this one, he’s the only Autobot who can fight worth a damn, being a true warrior and all. Plus, he’s a semi. He’s a truck, which can turn into a half truck, half robot that kicks Megatron ass and has a largely dysfunctional authoritarian complex. He’s a trucker! And everyone knows that all truckers are manly men right? So by all standards, Optimus Prime (with the deepest/coolest voice on this list I might add) is a manly man, er…robot-man…thingy.

8. Batman

Some of you may be shocked by Batman’s placement in this list, but you should first consider some very telling signs that he may not be as ‘manly’ as he might first appear. For starters, he has to use all those gadgets and gizmos to get anything done, and while some may hail his utility belt as a wonderful piece of crime-fighting equipment, all I see is a glorified fanny pack. Batman, as Bruce Wayne, simply has way too easy of a life to be the manliest of men. He’s only Batman what, 70% of the time? That’s only 70% manliness while 30% of the time he’s the wussy Bruce Wayne who seems too able to match brown shoes with a brown belt to me, a real man doesn’t notice such color coordinating nuisances that keep him from wearing his favorite boots with his black and red plaid shirt. So while we like his dark nature, dysfunctional personality and propensity for violence, we don’t like the pansy routine (no matter how necessary to keep up appearances) or his general concern for others’ feelings.

7. Grifter

Grifter is the crude and tough cowboy type from the WildC.A.T.S. He enjoys spending his days doing things like cleaning his guns, shooting his guns, cleaning his guns again, and then smoking while shooting his guns before retiring for a one night stand with some licentious lady who he’ll never call again. He did have a thing for Zealot, but that’s understandable because she was a badass herself, coming from a long line of Coda warriors that were born for battle. Grifter is also the first on the list known to drink excessively, a very manly quality if there ever was one.

6. The Punisher

Let’s face it, The Punisher’s all black attire and skull symbol won’t win him any Fab Five Fashion awards, making him all the more manly, and he certainly fits the bill of emotionally dysfunctional (a problem that goes back to his time in Vietnam). The Punisher is excessively violent, and he has no qualms about picking a fight, or ending it with a shotgun either. He even only has sexual relations with equally dysfunctional women (as he did recently in Ennis’ Punisher run).

The Punisher is the type of masculine tiger that is probably a little too dysfunctional for society or at least the one he lives in. He simply isn’t appreciated in his time. If only he lived in the Dark Ages then his manliness would be hailed across the land and stories would be told to small children about the Punisher who’d chop their head off and spit down their neck if they didn’t do what they were told. What a wonderful time.

5. Gung-Ho

A lot of the G.I. Joes could have made this list, but Gung-Ho stood out among the pack. His name alone brings to mind manly tendencies to barge ahead recklessly without thought or consideration for others' safety. He also wears no shirt under his vest, all the better to show off his large Marine tattoo, and Gung-Ho is always seen with his camo-pants, a manly thing to wear if you are actually in the Armed Forces and shooting people on a regular basis. Gung-Ho is a Cajun, but unlike that whiny baby Gambit who’s become whipped by Rogue, he’s a gumbo eating, trash talking, swamp rat who prefers chewing his food with his mouth open and farting in front of ladies (very manly things to do I’m told).

4. Hellboy

These last four were all very hard to decide between because all three are loners, rebels, badmouthed cusses that all drink heavily and fight rough and dirty. Hellboy in particular is great at hitting the ‘big monster’ first and asking questions later. His giant stone fist is perfect for brawling with large bulbous demon creatures that look vaguely like butt-plugs. Besides, his rude behavior and general tough guy attitude are all what one would look for in a manly man. The only problem is that that tough guy attitude tends to cover up a big heart, not very manly. He’s also a bit attached to that gal, Liz Sherman, which owns his tail (so to speak), not very masculine at all, even if he does smoke a stogie while doing it.

3. Wolverine

Ah, now we are coming down to the real cream of the crop here.
Logan is renowned for three things, boozing, fighting, and being a hairy little cuss. He’s good with the ladies, especially all those young girls who he ‘takes under his wing,’ and we all know that going after another guy’s girl (Jean Grey) is very manly. His claws and fisticuffs tend to get him the label of hard-nosed hellion who’ll do what it takes to get the job done, a very manly quality to have. He deserves to be on this list even if he is Canadian. Besides,
Logan used to be a freaking lumberjack for Pete’s sake, there is nothing more manly than that.

2. Lobo

Sometime in the 90’s, Lobo was created as a backlash to all things ‘manly’ in superheroes. He was to be the ultimate parody of characters like Wolverine and Punisher with their ultra anti-hero manliness. But Lobo was SO manly, and just a badass in general, that he flipped off his creator and became the poster boy for modern manliness anyway. Prone to extreme violence, Lobo flies around on his 'hover' chopper-bike while smoking cigars and stealing candy from small girls. Lobo is the last of his race, the rest having died off from his own murderous drive to be the baddest mutha in the whole universe. Sometimes he takes on Superman, sometimes he kills Santa Klaus, but whatever he’s doing, he’s doing it with such ‘manitude’ (the attitude of manliness) that he often only needs to look at women and they immediately start ovulating. Then he hits them right in the ovaries.

1. Conan

Oh, boy. This is the manliest man in comics today, or ever. He’ll just as soon knee you in the groin as he will kick you in the nuts, and that’s if he’s feeling nice and doesn’t elbow you in the nads. He’s every manly attribute I’ve talked about in this article so far including but not limited to womanizing, fighting, smoking, drinking, swearing, being arrogant, caring little for deep emotions or painful thinking and most importantly, he’s all of these things ALL of the time, and he's been doing it the longest by far. He never stops being the testosterone serving center that dishes it out one punch or ass slap at a time. He screws your girl, cuts your arm off, and tells you a crude joke all before eating your dinner with his bare hands. And you love him for it. He’s the crudest thing ever to pop out of a baby-maker whose taste for serving wenches, ale, and bar-room brawls is insatiable. He is the Manliest Superhero Ever!
http://www.bamkapow.com/the-10-manli...oes-365-p.html
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Old 07-09-08, 02:51 AM
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Conan I'm reading Howard's tales and this guy is just the baddest dude ever. The odds are almost always against him, the foes he's regularly up against from the most Machiavellian asshole to things out of a horror story all end up "under his sandalled feet" eventually.
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Old 07-09-08, 07:19 AM
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Yeah, I don't read Conan but based on the recent 360 game I'm inclined to agree. He's full of Manliness.

As far as Lobo, several months back he talking to Starfire and he just grabbed her costume and ripped it off. Considering her power levels that took some big titanium balls.
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Old 07-09-08, 08:01 AM
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Not really a superhero...but if we're talking comics, I nominate Tug from Tug & Buster.

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Old 07-09-08, 11:21 AM
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They need to seriously rename the article... Optimus Prime, Gung Ho, Hellboy, Lobo, heck, even their winner Conan, are not superheroes, at least not as traditionally defined. I guess they can all be considered comic book characters, but Optimus and Gung Ho are really toys first...

Given the criteria, I think the Hulk would be the top of the list: not fashion sense, chauvinistic attitudes towards feelings, willing to fight at the drop of a hat.
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Old 07-09-08, 11:38 AM
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You all forgot about the manliest superhero of all time..... ORGAZMO


Last edited by Larry C.; 07-09-08 at 02:04 PM.
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Old 07-10-08, 07:50 AM
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These last four were all very hard to decide between because all three
Oops. Entertaining list nonetheless.
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Old 07-10-08, 01:03 PM
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I was thinking Conan after I read the thread title!
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Old 07-11-08, 09:55 AM
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If your definition of manliness includes being responsible and sacrificing what you want for someone else, like keeping a lousy job to feed your kids, Superman is the most self-sacrificing dude in comics and would get mucho points on those grounds.
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Old 07-11-08, 10:31 AM
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Where does Omac fall on this scale?
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Old 07-11-08, 02:13 PM
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Where are Ben Grimm, Nick Fury, and Thor?
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Old 07-11-08, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Cathepsin
Where are Ben Grimm, Nick Fury, and Thor?
The last is disqualified for having long blond hair
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Old 07-11-08, 03:09 PM
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OK, but Thor should be number one on a list of most Metal superheroes. Hercules should be on this one - drinking, carousing, fighting for no good reason. He once picked a fight with Namor to get him to cheer up - can't get more manly than that.
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Old 07-11-08, 11:24 PM
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What about Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman?
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Old 07-12-08, 12:33 PM
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Reid loses points because he never misses an episode of his favorite soap opera.
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Old 07-13-08, 01:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Danger
Reid loses points because he never misses an episode of his favorite soap opera.
The Horrors of Ivan is a manly soap, sir. Manly as they get!
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Old 07-13-08, 12:22 PM
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This list is out of order, lest we forget who stood up from this one:

[anxiously awaits Giantrobo's protestations]

Why did Lobo rip Starfire's costume off? Did they do the deed?
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Old 07-14-08, 04:39 AM
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That's some Fanmade bullshit right there. Besides, don't get your Lil' Marvel Dick too hard, it seems to me they both get the best of each other based on that last frame.


Starfire and few others were lost in space over the last year and they crossed paths with Lobo in space one of the issues dealing with them getting back to earth.


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