Matthew Chmiel

Every year, Hollywood releases tons of horrible films to unsuspecting movie audiences. We're barely into 2006 and we've already seen crap like Grandma's Boy, Bloodrayne, and Big Momma's House 2 hit movie screens across the nation. While the latter was a moderate sized success, the latter came to theaters with very little fanfare and left a week later. They'll get one more chance to grab some attention when they're released to video, but they'll end up in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart before year's end. Tomorrow, 20th Century Fox is going to release Date Movie to theaters across the nation. With a PG-13 rating in tow and jokes that appeal to mostly teenagers, it's going to make lots of money. Lots of it. I was invited to see an early screening of it tonight and I went going in expecting the worst. The trailers and television spots for this film have been nothing but awful, but I was hoping to chuckle at least once or twice. With a running time barely of 75 minutes, I was thinking it couldn't be that bad.

Before the theater became black, almost every seat in the house was full and everybody seemed to be excited about what they were going to watch. When the first reel began, everyone started to laugh on cue and most were pleased once it ended. With that in mind, I have come to believe that I saw the film with every mentally retarded person in Las Vegas. And that right there is an insult to the mentally handicapped.

There are tons of good ideas waiting to be made in Hollywood and yet it pisses me off that Date Movie got made and is going to make millions. This is a film that has nothing going for it. Not one fucking thing. The film has no rhyme, rhythm, or purpose. The only reason it exists (other than to make money) is to make fun of every romantic comedy released to theaters in the past five years. We're treated to parodies of Meet the Parents, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, The Wedding Planner, Hitch, What Women Want, Along Came Polly, My Best Friend's Wedding, and a barrage of others in an hour. The problem with this is that the creators of this film decided to add all of these ideas together in a blender and see what comes out of it. The major problem with this is that they're not making fun of anything. They're just seeing what happens if you were to mix them all together. That's not being funny, that's being devoid of creativity and originality. While parodies similar to Scary Movie and Not Another Teen Movie carried somewhat of a resemblance of plot in order to tie the jokes together, this film is just a string of jokes one after another to see what works and what doesn't.

With that notion in mind, the film shoots out it's jokes quick and fast. No time to waste on plot or character development in this flick, we only have 75 minutes before we're out of the theaters. We're not only treated to awful parodies which make the ones at the MTV Movie Awards look good and dated pop shots at people like Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton which have been done better elsewhere, we're also given bottom-of-the-barrel humor involving some of the worst scatological jokes this side of a third grader's mind. Whatever studio executive thought it would be a great idea to finance a film where one joke involves a cat having sex with a dead body deserves to be shot in the face. Twice. It's no fucking wonder why this film is not being screened for critics. They'd be having a field day with this shit.

In the seventy minutes I watched this film, I couldn't think of a reason why Date Movie should exist. Scary Movie was at least a clever play on the teen slasher films of the late nineties and Not Another Teen Movie had some heart going for it. But as I mentioned earlier, Date Movie has nothing. It has no laughs. It has no heart. It has no soul. It's a complete waste of good celluloid in a terrible attempt to make money. This is the worst kind of film.

There's a joke early on in the movie in which a construction worker takes a nail gun to his head after seeing Alyson Hannigan in a fat suit dance around. I wanted to do that to myself after sitting through 75 minutes of this piece of shit. How anyone could enjoy this film is beyond me, but sadly, there's an audience for it.

I just hope, that if there is a God in heaven, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer never get work in Hollywood again. However, with this film looking like it'll hit box office gold, that probably won't be the case.

FinkPish

If you read the bios for these two "geniuses" on the IMDB, it shows that writing spoofs is all they are good at. This is the easiest thing in the world to do; any asshole can take even a mildly popular movie and find bits to rip off and spoof. And based on their "success," they aren't even that talented at an such easy thing.

Matthew Chmiel

The problem with this film is that it's not even a spoof. It's as if they're just copying the ideas other films working with and passing them off as a spoof. The whole definition of a spoof is to make fun of something, however, there's no fun anywhere in the film. They're not insulting the films nor are they having fun at the other work's expense.

As a film, it fails. As a spoof, it fails more.

MahatmaPetey

Not Another Teen Movie also had sheer brilliance going for it.

FinkPish

It sounds like the kind of weak comedian who just does other comedian impressions for his whole act and is basically living off the laughs of others. So can we create a new term for this kind of regurgitation film, maybe Vomovie Movomit or something?

Matthew Chmiel

Kind of like Denis Leary?

Vomovie Movomit doesn't have a catchy ring to it. Simply stating that it's "movie vomit" sounds a lot better ("Date Movie is the lowest form of movie vomit out there.")

H8nXTC

Well, don't know if I'll see this one, but there are already two on my list for worst movies of 2006. Annapolis and Big Mamma's House 2 just are the trash that makes America look bad in foriegn markets for entertainment.

wmansir

This review agrees with your main point:

EDIT: I'm not sure this movie will really make a lot of money. The target audience for these kind of low brow comedies is usually teenage boys, but how many teenage boys are going to get references to My Big Fat Greek Wedding, What Women Want and Four Weddings and a Funeral? Then again I guess they do stand a chance since there aren't any actual date movies in the theater right now.

ShallowHal

I haven't seen the two, but I agree. Tyrese as the lead in a submarine movie? Where's My Skinny Atkins Greek Honeymoon when you need it?

DealMan

Trailers look good, I'll be there opening night.

The Bus

That took courage.

DVD Josh

Why when every time I tell a guy he can stick it whereever he wants, he puts is in my ass?

DAMN, too much information girl!

No, too much information would be to tell you when he's done, I take a shit on his chest.

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mdc3000

I didn't have high hopes for this one...will probably wait for the discount cinema... as far as the worst movie of 2006, it probably could be...but I'm sure BMH2 would give it a run for it's money (haven't seen it)...out of the flicks I've seen, Firewall is currently the contender for worst of '06...maybe Date Movie can change that...

MATT

Giles

I thought Bloodrayne already had the distinction of being called the worst film of 2006?

Matthew Chmiel

I don't even think half the people who see this film are going to get some of film's references simply because the majority of the American public has forgotten about them. I was clueless about the What Women Want "parody" until my friend whispered it into my ear.

However, the teenagers who will see this movie will enjoy the "low-brow" humor this flick has to offer. And there's tons of it.

The film is guaranteed to make $20 million this weekend. Don't know how much more than that.

matome

I saw this today just to give Willow a chance. I have to agree that this is truly a turd of magnificent proportions. The only single funny part IMO was the fire hose scene shown in the trailer, but unfortunately that montage plays over the opening credits so you'll have nothing to look forward to. No laughs at all, not even a chuckle. Even worse is that it makes you endure the REALLY unfunny skits (Kill Bill, When Harry Met Sally, the toilet cat, etc.) for much longer than they should. Blech.

At least there is that insanely hot blonde chick...

TNAJason

Well I was one of the few that liked Scary Movie 3,so I'm gonna give Date Movie a shot. I want to see it. And please the retarded thing is offensive,1.Its mean-spirited,and 2.my cousin is mentally handicapped.

TheNightFlier

Just got back from seeing it. My friends and I were all in agreement, it was retarded.

The movie was just not funny. Most of the audience groaned and someone in the crowd yelled out, "this sucks."

Fred Williard needs to work though.

Jam Master Jay

DAMN that shit is wack!

SPiRAL

I actually enjoyed Grandma's Boy, I thought it was fuckin funny.

Matthew Chmiel

I actually paid money to see Grandma's Boy and I only chuckled three or four times. One of those times was only because of the "gay robot" ad.

Joe Molotov

If the promo they've been playing for this on the Fox Movie Channel is any indication of the humor found within the film itself, then I have to figure it's going to be pretty awful.

The promo doesn't even have anything to do with the movie really, it's a parody of Peter Jackson's Production Diaries for King Kong, and basically it sets out to show that Peter Jackson is an incompetent director, he knows nothing about special effects, he doesn't know how to cast actors, he doesn't know how to direct actors, the cast and crew hate him, and the entire film has to be directed by his assistant director. The joke takes approximately 1 minute to run it's course, but they keep doing the same joke over and over for about 10 minutes, hoping that repetition will make it funnier. It's really mean-spirited and not very funny at all, even the first time. A sample scene is:

Peter Jackson: "We are using some ground-breaking special effects here. Watch as I rub Carmen Electra's boobs with this blue pipe."

Assistant Director: "This isn't ground-breaking, this is just regular blue-screen work that's been around for years. Peter Jackson is the stupidest man on Earth."

If you're going to make fun of another director, you should probably should you're own movie doesn't suck balls. Somethings tells that they may not have pulled that off.

Rypro 525

there is an comercial for the movie that has a really hot chick on a car spoofing the Paris Hilton burger ad, does anyone know who it is?

Gizmo

Yeah, people here are such retards.

matome

Sophie Monk