first review for Matrix reloaded (post contains spoiler tags)
05-02-03, 04:06 PM
#1
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first review for Matrix reloaded (post contains spoiler tags)
If you don't want to know about the movie, don't read the black
from aintitnews.com
(contains strong language as well)
NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!
Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
It is an honor and a privilege to present the first review anywhere for THE MATRIX RELOADED, a pleasure that is compounded only by the karmically-perfect concept that it is none other than Neill Cumpston who has seen it first.
For those of you not familiar with the Noel Coward-like urbane wit of Mr. Cumpston, you should read his BLADE 2 or X-MEN 2 reviews.
And buckle up. This is a pretty wild ride.
MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.
This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that ****ing good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-**** out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!
WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “****” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get *****. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really ****ing scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.
MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL ****, the third movie.
That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:
“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston
5/1/03
Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.
Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a ***** again.
Ok, I am def seeing this movie.
from aintitnews.com
(contains strong language as well)
NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!
Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
It is an honor and a privilege to present the first review anywhere for THE MATRIX RELOADED, a pleasure that is compounded only by the karmically-perfect concept that it is none other than Neill Cumpston who has seen it first.
For those of you not familiar with the Noel Coward-like urbane wit of Mr. Cumpston, you should read his BLADE 2 or X-MEN 2 reviews.
And buckle up. This is a pretty wild ride.
MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.
This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that ****ing good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-**** out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!
WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “****” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
Spoiler:
NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get *****. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really ****ing scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.
Spoiler:
MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL ****, the third movie.
That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:
“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston
5/1/03
Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.
Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a ***** again.
Ok, I am def seeing this movie.
Last edited by Rypro 525; 05-02-03 at 04:11 PM.
05-03-03, 01:19 AM
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Was that a review of the movie or the Final Theatrical trailer including knowledge that been passed around on the internet?
What kind of review is that it basically states what everyone knows already no?
What kind of review is that it basically states what everyone knows already no?
05-03-03, 01:22 AM
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The fact that he refers to trinity as "Momento Babe" and the agents as "blues brother dudes" Makes me want to punch the living hell out of the reviewer.
05-03-03, 08:43 AM
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Ron Epstein has a much more coherent review (that's what he calls it on the site) at this link:
http://www.hometheaterforum.com/sneak/sneak.html
However, he gives it a so-so rating... here's the last paragraph (no spoilers)
___________________________________________________
Perhaps the problem I had with this film lies within myself. I am man who is going to be 40 years old this year. At this age, I am tired of Hollywood films that constantly bombard us with visuals and martial arts, as if story were a secondary thought. The Matrix was a one-of-a-kind film that change moviegoing and inspired plenty of imitators. Now, the sequel is badly imitating its own self. Sure, The Matrix Reloaded will no doubt WOW fans with action and visuals that surpass the original, but beneath the sheen, there's no longer any substance.
http://www.hometheaterforum.com/sneak/sneak.html
However, he gives it a so-so rating... here's the last paragraph (no spoilers)
___________________________________________________
Perhaps the problem I had with this film lies within myself. I am man who is going to be 40 years old this year. At this age, I am tired of Hollywood films that constantly bombard us with visuals and martial arts, as if story were a secondary thought. The Matrix was a one-of-a-kind film that change moviegoing and inspired plenty of imitators. Now, the sequel is badly imitating its own self. Sure, The Matrix Reloaded will no doubt WOW fans with action and visuals that surpass the original, but beneath the sheen, there's no longer any substance.
05-05-03, 12:50 PM
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You guys need to lighten up a little. Although blanking out the naughty words takes a lot of fun out of it, this review is hilarious. Obviously, it's not one to be taken seriously. But it's the most entertaining review I've read in a long time. You should read his reviews for "Blade 2" and "X2."
05-07-03, 10:50 AM
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I really do believe Neill writes like this in a very tongue-in-cheek fashion, making fun of all the other reviewers who write this way and consider it top-notch journalsim. His review is so outlandish you can't take it seriously.
Some people just can't seperate satire from the satired, I suppose. Considering the source of Neill's review, I can understand why some would actually think Neill is a pathetic loon.
Some people just can't seperate satire from the satired, I suppose. Considering the source of Neill's review, I can understand why some would actually think Neill is a pathetic loon.
