"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"
"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"
"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."
"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."
"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."
"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."
"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He breastfeeds John Madden."
"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"
I ran the idea of a Bill Brasky board game past him at lunch a few years back, he said he was more of an "Operation" fan. He then proceeded to knock me unconcious with the bowl of after dinner mints and conduct open heart surgery right there in the restaurant. And I'll be damned if he didn't add prid-near 30 years onto my life. Then for the hell of it he held my face in the lemon water until I lost paid for dinner......I love that man.
"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."
He once forced the entire cast of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ into a bare –knuckle brawl for his own amusement. When he got bored he joined in himself focusing most of his attention on Gabe Kaplan
So Brasky and I are at a red light and this squeegy kid comes up to the car and says "wash your windows for a buck?" Brasky says "okay", gets out of the car, gives him a dollar and proceeds to wash his own windshield with the squeegy kid. Then he crumples him up and throws him in a trash can across the street. And I'll be damned if the gleam off that windshield didn't cause a 50 car pile up!
So Brasky and I are on the side of the road with a blown motor. Brasky says "no problem" Then he rips the motor out, throws it in a ditch, and proceeds to kick out the floor panels. Then he takes off his shoes and propels the car forward with his feet. He started to speed and some cops tried to pull us over. Brasky yelled "Yabba Dabba Doo!" and I'll be damned if he didn't out run them all!
He once had a torrid love affair with Mr. Peanut. That's why Peanut now uses a cane.
Once for a laugh Brasky threw my wallet into the fire. Well I cried as I watched my ID and the only pictures of my dead son burn. Brasky felt kinda bad so he took out a machete and slice the hide off his scrotum. And I'll be damned if he didn't stitch the most beautiful leather wallet I'd ever seen.
To Bill Brasky!!!