NFL 2009: Why Your Team Sucks

[kenbuzz]

Linky: http://deadspin.com/tag/2009-nfl-preview/

This guy is writing up all 32 teams, going division-by-division through the league. He's on the home stretch having blasted 29 of them. Today's target, the Bengals, with the rest of the AFC North (Cleveland, Baltimore and Pittsburgh) on deck for their turn later this week.

Some of the comments are real gems, though the author has a potty mouth. Here are a few samples:

Cincinnati:

3. What the hell is Marvin Lewis still doing there?
Oh, wait. I know. He wasn't fired because Mike Brown was too cheap to eat his contract, even though the Bengals play in a new stadium and enjoy the same generous TV revenue that every other NFL team enjoys. Lewis seems determined to assemble the least likable roster in the NFL. Rookie tackle Andre Smith is fat and injured. Wideout Chris Henry will fuck your niece and not apologize for it. Running back Cedric Benson is so whiny, they should make him an honorary white person. It says a lot about your team when Chad Ochocinco can pull all the shit he's pulled and still come out of it the most likable player on the squad.

Washington:

3. Because I went to that fucking stadium once.
Hey, you! Like white trash who are piss drunk and can't handle their mud? Like having seats in the stadium crawlspace? Like having your view obstructed by gigantic overhangs? Like walking thirty miles to get to your car? I've got the stadium for you. Given the prices they charge, every seat FedEx Field should have a giant plastic dildo sticking out of it.

Dallas:

1. Their new stadium will rape your wallet multiple times over.
Some of the new features of Jerry Jones' (YEEEEEEHAWWWWW!) $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium include carpeted floors (whee!), the world's biggest LCD screen (fer watchin' all dem big plays!), and a retractable roof. Oh yeah, there's also the $60 pizzas, and the $35, standing room only Party Passes the team is selling to an estimated 35,000 people PER FUCKING GAME. In other words, any time you attend a Dallas Cowboys game this year, nearly one third of the people in the stadium will be trying to take your fucking seat. Keep in mind that the city of Arlington approved $325 million in bonds to help in the construction of this thing. The new Cowboys Stadium is the football equivalent of the new Yankees Stadium: a painfully expensive, unnecessary luxury stadium that replaced a perfectly useful old home, partially paid for by taxpayers with the sole purpose of extracting more money from fans, perhaps at the expense of the home team's on-field success.

Buffalo:

4. You ever been to Buffalo?
Holy shit, there is nothing to do in that town except eat and marry someone you don't really love. The only reason to go there is for some kind of wing pilgrimage. I've had the wings there. They're wings. They may have originated there, but you can get them in other, cooler places now. And they're just as good. Otherwise, the only purpose Buffalo serves is to give Weather Channel anchors an erection during the months of November through March. "AND HOW ABOUT BUFFALO, GANG?! TWENTY INCHES OF SNOW! I'M ROCK HARD!"

San Francisco:

4. Most overrated city ever? Most overrated city ever.
Talk to anyone who lives in San Francisco and they'll adopt that uniquely arrogant, only-in-California attitude that they live in the most perfect place on fucking Earth. "We go mountain biking! And we only eat locally grown produce! We could ski in the morning and surf in the afternoon if we ever tried!" Fuck right off, San Franciscans. I've been to your supposedly flawless little burg. It's dirty. There are methadone clinics every five feet. You need to wear a fucking sweater there during July. Homeless people litter the streets and shit in the alleyways. And visiting Napa Valley is like visiting a really shrubby desert populated with fucktard wine snobs and rich liberal hedge fund owners. Fuck you, fuck your seafood, and fuck your shitty team.

Enjoy.

[mcfly]

4. You ever been to Buffalo?
Holy shit, there is nothing to do in that town except eat and marry someone you don't really love. The only reason to go there is for some kind of wing pilgrimage. I've had the wings there. They're wings. They may have originated there, but you can get them in other, cooler places now. And they're just as good. Otherwise, the only purpose Buffalo serves is to give Weather Channel anchors an erection during the months of November through March. "AND HOW ABOUT BUFFALO, GANG?! TWENTY INCHES OF SNOW! I'M ROCK HARD!"

He pretty much hit the nail on the head. That's why I moved 3k miles away. Although the best food anywhere in the country is in Buffalo. I'll disagree with him there. But the rest is true.

Also looks like he got the Raiders thing to a t. I wonder if he lives here?

[eXcentris]

Neither interesting, nor amusing. That guy needs to get out of his mother's basement.

[Sonny Corinthos]

Al Davis is the owner. Nuff said!

[Spicollidriver1]

What a douche I hope he is not married with children.

[The Cow]

[Tsar Chasm]

Originally Posted by Sonny Corinthos

Al Davis is the owner. Nuff said!

Thanks a lot. Seriously. Yesterday my grandfather (93) had his 7th stroke and now can't move at all. He spends his days watching college football while a nurse sticks his johnson in a jar to pee. Last night he could barely breathe and I expected a phone call this morning to tell me that he had passed on.

I wasn't going to cry today, 93 is really fucking old. He's had a very full life, did not have to see any of his children die and will spend his remaining days in relative comfort.

Now, I have some douchebag reminding me that Al Cocksucker Davis still lives and is still the owner of my beloved Raiders. As long as that man lives, raidernation will suffer. Even drafting the most physically imposing QB in years does nothing.

I apologize. I have to go get some kleenex.

[NORML54601]

Originally Posted by Tsar Chasm

Thanks a lot. Seriously. Yesterday my grandfather (93) had his 7th stroke and now can't move at all. He spends his days watching college football while a nurse sticks his johnson in a jar to pee. Last night he could barely breathe and I expected a phone call this morning to tell me that he had passed on.

I wasn't going to cry today, 93 is really fucking old. He's had a very full life, did not have to see any of his children die and will spend his remaining days in relative comfort.

Now, I have some douchebag reminding me that Al Cocksucker Davis still lives and is still the owner of my beloved Raiders. As long as that man lives, raidernation will suffer. Even drafting the most physically imposing QB in years does nothing.

I apologize. I have to go get some kleenex.

wtf

[CRM114]

I thought the Eagles one was pretty accurate ... and funny.

[Red Dog]

Nailed the Redskins gameday experience.

[Chew]

Originally Posted by eXcentris

Neither interesting, nor amusing. That guy needs to get out of his mother's basement.

Agreed

[kenbuzz]

The Cleveland Mk-II Browns got their treatment today.

[VinVega]

Some of it was mildly funny. Most of it was just nonsensical ranting.

[Drexl]

St. Louis Rams:

4. Brenda Warner: I have to say, she is in style wherever she goes. In St. Louis, she had that mom-jeans-shorthair-middleaged-I-never-want-my-husband-to-fuck-me-again look that is so popular in the Midwest. Now she is in Arizona, she looks hotter than the cougars we tried to pick up while we was in Nashville this weekend. The Midwest just does that to you. That's why I stayed in the South.

[BKenn01]

I love how he starts out the Steelers suck because they have 6 Superbowl wins.

kenbuzz, a Bengals fan had to have written that. All that bitterness

[JumpCutz]

@ San Francisco.

Hate to say it but that is mostly true.

[PopcornTreeCt]

Originally Posted by JumpCutz

@ San Francisco.

Hate to say it but that is mostly true.

I thought the same thing when I visited there.

[Tarantino]

He's got SF nailed. I hate that city, and I live an hour away from it.

[atari2600]

kind of scared to see what he says about the lions...

[BKenn01]

Originally Posted by atari2600

kind of scared to see what he says about the lions...

Er, what could he say that would make matters worse.....

[zekeburger1979]

I'm a fan of the Bengals, Browns and Lions, so I've got triple the suck to watch every year.

[MrX]

Person: Hey, can I be a Ravens fan?
Ravens fan: Do you like incomplete sentences, crystal meth and purple camo?
Person: Fuckin fuck yes!
Ravens fan: Kick ass. Here, hit this pipe and put on this Ray Lewis baseball jersey!

[Obey The D]

Originally Posted by zekeburger1979

I'm a fan of the Bengals, Browns and Lions, so I've got triple the suck to watch every year.

I understand that some people like to follow more than one team, but you may be the first person that I know of that is a fan of two teams in the same division. Why not just drop the Lions, and add the Ravens and the Steelers, that way you can say that the team your root for wins their division every year.

[zekeburger1979]

Originally Posted by Obey The D

I understand that some people like to follow more than one team, but you may be the first person that I know of that is a fan of two teams in the same division. Why not just drop the Lions, and add the Ravens and the Steelers, that way you can say that the team your root for wins their division every year.

Blame the fact that I was born and raised in Ohio and have lived in Michigan for the last 25 years.

My dad follows the Bengals, Browns and Steelers. How about that?

[kenbuzz]

Originally Posted by Obey The D

I understand that some people like to follow more than one team, but you may be the first person that I know of that is a fan of two teams in the same division.

Had you known me 25 years ago, I would've been one of those. Growing up in Dayton, we got equal doses of Bengals and Browns, and I rooted for both. When they met up, I pulled for whichever one needed the win more badly. I pulled for the Browns to beat Denver in those AFC Championships, and of course for the Bengals when they made the post-season. The two never met in the playoffs, which is just as well since I don't know who I would've been pulling for.

That changed in 1988 when I bought season tickets. My tiebreaker changed to "whatever is better for Cincinnati", but I still pulled for Cleveland. But once the Browns got knocked out by Houston and I saw all of them turn on me and my Bengals, I saw them for what they really were. Nothing more than a bunch of chain-smoking wife-beating ambulance-chasing lottery-playing union-card-carrying welfare-abusing alcoholics. Hate me because I root for Cincinnati? Hell, I'm happy to return the favor, you losers.

Cleveland went from #2 to #30 on my list. I rejoiced when Art Modell moved them to Baltimore 11 seasons later. I still enjoy posting this photo randomly when Brownie fans get too uppity:


With the league having expanded to 32 teams, Cleveland got demoted to #31...

Pittsburgh is, of course, #32.




Short



You're supposed to get 2 feet down

The Browns Mk II are just plain pathetic, but I hate the Steelers more than I hate broccoli.