Funny Poker Story

[ElementZ]

Posted over on 2+2.

This story is set at a 4/8 table at the Bellagio around 2005, which is important because (a) the Bellagio is one of the most cramped rooms in the world, (b) they often stick the 4/8 games in the casino-side alcove, which is even more cramped than the rest of the room, and (c) it's the middle of the poker boom, so the room is absolutely filled.

I took my seat at the table next to a horrendously obese man. How he got into his seat is somewhat of a mystery - his back is pushing back against the wall to Bobby's room and his gut extends to the edge of the table and then some. He was in seats 4, 5, and 6 simultaneously, but only one of which was actually assigned to him. I had the misfortune of being assigned seat 6, which was basically seat 6.5.

Being within millimeters of a morbidly obese man had its advantages - he inhaled every time a card was dealt, but held his breath until he had bet if he had a good hand. I knew every time a check-raise was coming because he'd sit there holding his breath. Alas, the $8 or $16 this saved was barely enough to compensate for the obvious drawback of being at the most crowded seat at the most crowded table in the most crowded section of the most crowded casino ever.

At some point, my friend (at another table) came over and whispered into my ear, "The guy next to you is so fat he has his pants unzipped." I wait for an opportune moment to confirm, but yes, indeed, as he holds his breath in, his gut retracts enough from the edge of the table to confirm that there is one fewer layer of clothing between us (humanity) and this guy's dick than there should be.

Disgusting as that sounds, it is but a prelude of what was about to happen. For even as his pants were unbuttoned and unzipped to make room for the ever-expanding gut, there was still not enough room in those pants to contain his manhood.

"I'm going to pull down my pants a little," he declared.

Chaos ensued. The table had to be pulled back about 3 inches just so the tsunami of blubber didn't capsize the table; with a groan, fatty manages to stand up. With his legs apart (straddling his chair) he is unable to pull down his pants, so he elects to turn to the side.

At first, I thought I got the short end of the stick when he turned away from me, and I practically jumped into my neighbor's seat to distance myself from the enormous ass which was now pointed directly at my face. Then I heard the screams of horror from the other side of the mountain and realized that I only had the second worst seat in the house.

Everyone at the table (and the next table, and passers-by, and no doubt surveillance) was laughing except for Seat 4 and me. With a mighty heave, the pants were yanked down about an inch, exposing a little bit of underwear and a little bit of the goods underneath. With a second heave, another inch. And then a third. Three inches of naked, obese, sweaty ass crack was about 5 inches from my face, and I couldn't look away out of sheer horror.

Finally, the guy sat back down, and things returned pretty quickly to normal, since his enormous gut flopped back on the edge of the table and hid everything from view.

[Jacoby Ellsbury]

I guess you had to be there

[actyper]

GA? I wouldn't care how juicy the tables are, not worth it

[El Scorcho]

[ ] funny
[x] poker story

[JasonF]

It's not even a poker story, not really. It could have happened anywhere you have a bunch of people sitting in close quarters.

[Thor Simpson]

Originally Posted by JasonF

It's not even a poker story, not really. It could have happened anywhere you have a bunch of people sitting in close quarters.

It's true, they could have been playing Uno. At the Bellagio.

[damn_skippy]

still waiting for the funny