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View Poll Results: How would you live after your significant other passes away?
I'll move on and eventually find comfort in someone else 10 41.67%
Alone forever! 11 45.83%
I'll marry Twikoff 3 12.50%
Voters: 24. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 03-20-17, 08:46 AM   #26
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by DVD Polizei View Post
I dunno. I encounter, but it's rare, elderly couples who have been married for 50+ years. They are happy, respect one another, etc. I always tell them I'm honored to know them, if only for a short moment when they are around me, as this is so rare these days.
Maybe you're hanging with the wrong crowd.

I know quite a few who are closing in on the 50-year mark (we'll celebrate 40 years on July 15) along with quite a few who have exceeded that. Fifty-year anniversaries may be rarer these days because people are generally delaying marriage to later ages than in previous generations. That includes people who wait until they finish their schooling/professional training to get married, people who want to get careers established first, and people who live together in a relationship before eventually deciding to get married. And those who keep looking for the perfect match (or at least, superior to what they've seen so far. ).

If a person gets married at age 25, they have to live to be 75 to hit their 50-year anniversary. Life expectancy has increased that possibility, but I know several who would have made it had not death intervened.

Maybe the bar should be lowered a bit to the Silver Anniversary. Usually if a couple makes it that far, they're pretty much in it for the long run.
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Old 03-20-17, 08:57 AM   #27
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

I'm not a fan of the poll options. I would not commit to either scenario. I think you need to continue to live your life and if something happens with someone else, great. If not, being a single widower/widow is ok too as long as you have a support structure of friends and family. People need people, no matter how annoying people can be to us.
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Old 03-20-17, 09:12 AM   #28
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by Sonic View Post
What is the fix?

There are animals like dogs that suffer when their owner is gone. There are people that die of suffering when their spouse is gone. There are mothers that die when their child is gone. It's just the way of life for some.

Do you think it's all mental?
First of all, I hope this thread was started solely out of curiosity. If you're going through something rough, I'm sorry to hear and you have my best wishes.

But the answer is yes, it's mental and there is no "fix". It takes time, a lot of it. Therapy helps too. Eventually, you'll get through it and adjust to a new normal. Once you get there, maybe the next step is finding someone new or maybe it's not. But the one thing for sure is that your life will go on and if you let it move on in a positive way, happiness will find you.
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Old 03-20-17, 10:28 AM   #29
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

I only got divorced and I have zero interest in every being with anyone ever again. I can only imagine it would be even worse if my SO had gotten sick and passed away. I am amazed at people who can move on. I just cannot and have zero desire to.
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Old 03-20-17, 12:04 PM   #30
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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for fucks sakes, a dvd messageboard shouldn't be this bleak.
So says a guy with a username of Hazel Motes.
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Old 03-20-17, 12:07 PM   #31
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by Unclejosh View Post
I only got divorced and I have zero interest in every being with anyone ever again. I can only imagine it would be even worse if my SO had gotten sick and passed away. I am amazed at people who can move on. I just cannot and have zero desire to.
Hey!! You are back! You need to update us on your situation man
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Old 03-20-17, 12:21 PM   #32
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

If you have kids, the answer to OP's question is easy. You have to go on because you have obligations. It would suck more than anything to do so, but you have to.
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Old 03-20-17, 12:50 PM   #33
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

How I'd cope: Tinder and women in their 20s with daddy issues.
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Old 03-20-17, 02:36 PM   #34
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

My grandfather was widowed twice and was still tomcatting around at age 87. He knew how to live. Humans need each other to survive. Doesn't mean you sign up for Match.com the day after the funeral, but nothing good can come from choosing to wallow in grief and isolation indefinitely IMO.
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Old 03-20-17, 03:24 PM   #35
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Doesn't mean you sign up for Match.com the day after the funeral, but nothing good can come from choosing to wallow in grief and isolation indefinitely IMO.
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Old 03-20-17, 07:18 PM   #36
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by Goat3001 View Post
First of all, I hope this thread was started solely out of curiosity. If you're going through something rough, I'm sorry to hear and you have my best wishes.

But the answer is yes, it's mental and there is no "fix". It takes time, a lot of it. Therapy helps too. Eventually, you'll get through it and adjust to a new normal. Once you get there, maybe the next step is finding someone new or maybe it's not. But the one thing for sure is that your life will go on and if you let it move on in a positive way, happiness will find you.
This thread was inspired by this video where a wife that died of Cancer made a dating profile for her husband so he won't be alone:

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Old 03-20-17, 10:49 PM   #37
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

I never knew when I'd write about my own experience, and of all places, at DVD Talk where I know things can get easily derailed. But it's been a little over a year for me, and almost that long since I checked out this forum. So maybe just the coincidence of seeing this thread made me feel like I might as well offer my $0.02, based on recent experiences.

My wife passed away early last year. We were together for over 10 years, and married for almost half of that time. Strangely, I always thought I would be the one to go first, because she was always the healthier person. She ran half-marathons, while I sat on the couch watching TV and movies. She went swimming before work, while I slept in. That's not to say we never did anything fun together; in fact, we went hiking together a lot and traveled frequently too. It's just that I always thought since she had healthier habits, I would go before she did. Last year, we had our first child. It was supposed to be our happiest day together, but it didn't turn out that way. She passed away unexpectedly hours after our son was born.

There's no way for me to describe what I went through that day. I can only say that I wouldn't wish it on anyone I ever hated. It is truly an "end of the world" feeling, if that makes any sense. And after that, despite how much we loved one another and understood each other, I always felt that I could have loved her even more, and done more for her. I could have cleaned the bathroom, like she asked. I could have tried doing the half-marathon with her, like she asked. I could have done this, and done that....But it's all too late now. I guess losing someone you love can have that effect. It makes you feel guilt, in a way.

Of course, I did not want to live that day when my world around me all ended. But I keep going back to two things, and remind me of those things, to keep me sane and focused. 1) The very second I realized she was gone forever, one of the first things I told her was that I promised I would take care of our son and raise him well. I was hoping she could still hear me, by some miracle. I kept telling her that she can trust me to do the job and take care of him. 2) I owe it to her, and to him, to keep going. Her life ended too early, and she did not have a choice. I have a choice, and I owe it to us to keep focused and be a good father. Yes, some days are really tough, but in the last year or so, I have learned to block those painful thoughts out when I really need to focus and get something done. There's a time to grieve, and a time to get stuff done. It hasn't hurt any less; I've just gotten used to it. And every time I see our son do something amazing (he is a little over a year old now), it makes me wish she was there to see it too. And I know it will be difficult as he gets older too, and asks about his mother.

Sorry for the rambling, but I thought I might as well provide some context before answering the original question for this thread. How would I go on? I don't really know. Those things I promised her will always help. I love to see him grow, so that helps too. As for whether I'll meet someone else. I doubt it, but as I've learned last year, you never know what's around the corner. I'll keep an open mind, but I'm not at all interested in going out of my way to meet someone right now. I miss her so much, I don't think I can ever stop loving her, and miss her every day of my remaining life. I just hope that I'll get to see her again after I die, and hear her tell me that I did a great job raising our son.
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Old 03-20-17, 11:04 PM   #38
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

Wow, Autotelik. My heart hurts for you, even describing where you're at in life a year later. I'm sure you've honored your wife's memory well with the commitment you've made as a father. I'm praying tonight that you will continue to experience fulfillment in that role and for strength to face the challenges you encounter on a regular basis.

The answers in this thread have varied. That's because the answer isn't simple. Circumstances surrounding the passing of a significant other will dictate how we move on, or how quickly we do so. Sometimes a discussion can take place between loved ones when they anticipate the end of life. Other times, children or other family play a significant role. I know a number of people who have re-married after losing a loved one. I've never said this to one of them directly, but only to my own wife, but I have had so much respect for those who choose to re-marry. You're going into a commitment where you stand a 50/50 chance of suffering the same heartache once more should your new spouse die before you.
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Old 03-20-17, 11:28 PM   #39
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by Autotelik View Post
I never knew when I'd write about my own experience...
No words. Just *big internet hug*.
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Old 03-21-17, 05:30 AM   #40
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by Autotelik View Post
Sorry for the rambling, but I thought I might as well provide some context before answering the original question for this thread.
That wasn't rambling, man. That was an eloquent, heartfelt, brave, revealing account of your experience that should be shared in as many venues and in as many different forms of media as possible.

Your words could help and encourage many others who have, are, or will be going through that same experience (including folks here). Thank you.

You have made your wife and son proud.
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Old 03-21-17, 06:46 AM   #41
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Originally Posted by creekdipper View Post
That wasn't rambling, man. That was an eloquent, heartfelt, brave, revealing account of your experience that should be shared in as many venues and in as many different forms of media as possible.

Your words could help and encourage many others who have, are, or will be going through that same experience (including folks here). Thank you.

You have made your wife and son proud.
Ditto. Our hearts are with you, Autotelik.
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Old 03-21-17, 08:00 AM   #42
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Autotelik View Post
I never knew when I'd write about my own experience, and of all places, at DVD Talk where I know things can get easily derailed. But it's been a little over a year for me, and almost that long since I checked out this forum. So maybe just the coincidence of seeing this thread made me feel like I might as well offer my $0.02, based on recent experiences.

My wife passed away early last year. We were together for over 10 years, and married for almost half of that time. Strangely, I always thought I would be the one to go first, because she was always the healthier person. She ran half-marathons, while I sat on the couch watching TV and movies. She went swimming before work, while I slept in. That's not to say we never did anything fun together; in fact, we went hiking together a lot and traveled frequently too. It's just that I always thought since she had healthier habits, I would go before she did. Last year, we had our first child. It was supposed to be our happiest day together, but it didn't turn out that way. She passed away unexpectedly hours after our son was born.

There's no way for me to describe what I went through that day. I can only say that I wouldn't wish it on anyone I ever hated. It is truly an "end of the world" feeling, if that makes any sense. And after that, despite how much we loved one another and understood each other, I always felt that I could have loved her even more, and done more for her. I could have cleaned the bathroom, like she asked. I could have tried doing the half-marathon with her, like she asked. I could have done this, and done that....But it's all too late now. I guess losing someone you love can have that effect. It makes you feel guilt, in a way.

Of course, I did not want to live that day when my world around me all ended. But I keep going back to two things, and remind me of those things, to keep me sane and focused. 1) The very second I realized she was gone forever, one of the first things I told her was that I promised I would take care of our son and raise him well. I was hoping she could still hear me, by some miracle. I kept telling her that she can trust me to do the job and take care of him. 2) I owe it to her, and to him, to keep going. Her life ended too early, and she did not have a choice. I have a choice, and I owe it to us to keep focused and be a good father. Yes, some days are really tough, but in the last year or so, I have learned to block those painful thoughts out when I really need to focus and get something done. There's a time to grieve, and a time to get stuff done. It hasn't hurt any less; I've just gotten used to it. And every time I see our son do something amazing (he is a little over a year old now), it makes me wish she was there to see it too. And I know it will be difficult as he gets older too, and asks about his mother.

Sorry for the rambling, but I thought I might as well provide some context before answering the original question for this thread. How would I go on? I don't really know. Those things I promised her will always help. I love to see him grow, so that helps too. As for whether I'll meet someone else. I doubt it, but as I've learned last year, you never know what's around the corner. I'll keep an open mind, but I'm not at all interested in going out of my way to meet someone right now. I miss her so much, I don't think I can ever stop loving her, and miss her every day of my remaining life. I just hope that I'll get to see her again after I die, and hear her tell me that I did a great job raising our son.
It sounds like you ARE doing a great job and doing your wife proud. The whole thing about the guilt about doing more, it didn't change the fact that she loved you and that's all that really matters when you look back.
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Old 03-21-17, 08:49 AM   #43
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Autotelik View Post
I never knew when I'd write about my own experience, and of all places, at DVD Talk where I know things can get easily derailed. But it's been a little over a year for me, and almost that long since I checked out this forum. So maybe just the coincidence of seeing this thread made me feel like I might as well offer my $0.02, based on recent experiences.

My wife passed away early last year. We were together for over 10 years, and married for almost half of that time. Strangely, I always thought I would be the one to go first, because she was always the healthier person. She ran half-marathons, while I sat on the couch watching TV and movies. She went swimming before work, while I slept in. That's not to say we never did anything fun together; in fact, we went hiking together a lot and traveled frequently too. It's just that I always thought since she had healthier habits, I would go before she did. Last year, we had our first child. It was supposed to be our happiest day together, but it didn't turn out that way. She passed away unexpectedly hours after our son was born.

There's no way for me to describe what I went through that day. I can only say that I wouldn't wish it on anyone I ever hated. It is truly an "end of the world" feeling, if that makes any sense. And after that, despite how much we loved one another and understood each other, I always felt that I could have loved her even more, and done more for her. I could have cleaned the bathroom, like she asked. I could have tried doing the half-marathon with her, like she asked. I could have done this, and done that....But it's all too late now. I guess losing someone you love can have that effect. It makes you feel guilt, in a way.

Of course, I did not want to live that day when my world around me all ended. But I keep going back to two things, and remind me of those things, to keep me sane and focused. 1) The very second I realized she was gone forever, one of the first things I told her was that I promised I would take care of our son and raise him well. I was hoping she could still hear me, by some miracle. I kept telling her that she can trust me to do the job and take care of him. 2) I owe it to her, and to him, to keep going. Her life ended too early, and she did not have a choice. I have a choice, and I owe it to us to keep focused and be a good father. Yes, some days are really tough, but in the last year or so, I have learned to block those painful thoughts out when I really need to focus and get something done. There's a time to grieve, and a time to get stuff done. It hasn't hurt any less; I've just gotten used to it. And every time I see our son do something amazing (he is a little over a year old now), it makes me wish she was there to see it too. And I know it will be difficult as he gets older too, and asks about his mother.

Sorry for the rambling, but I thought I might as well provide some context before answering the original question for this thread. How would I go on? I don't really know. Those things I promised her will always help. I love to see him grow, so that helps too. As for whether I'll meet someone else. I doubt it, but as I've learned last year, you never know what's around the corner. I'll keep an open mind, but I'm not at all interested in going out of my way to meet someone right now. I miss her so much, I don't think I can ever stop loving her, and miss her every day of my remaining life. I just hope that I'll get to see her again after I die, and hear her tell me that I did a great job raising our son.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are making your wife proud I am sure.
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Old 03-21-17, 11:34 AM   #44
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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Old 03-21-17, 12:04 PM   #45
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

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If you have kids, the answer to OP's question is easy. You have to go on because you have obligations. It would suck more than anything to do so, but you have to.
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Old 03-21-17, 01:36 PM   #46
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Autotelik View Post
I never knew when I'd write about my own experience, and of all places, at DVD Talk where I know things can get easily derailed. But it's been a little over a year for me, and almost that long since I checked out this forum. So maybe just the coincidence of seeing this thread made me feel like I might as well offer my $0.02, based on recent experiences.

My wife passed away early last year. We were together for over 10 years, and married for almost half of that time. Strangely, I always thought I would be the one to go first, because she was always the healthier person. She ran half-marathons, while I sat on the couch watching TV and movies. She went swimming before work, while I slept in. That's not to say we never did anything fun together; in fact, we went hiking together a lot and traveled frequently too. It's just that I always thought since she had healthier habits, I would go before she did. Last year, we had our first child. It was supposed to be our happiest day together, but it didn't turn out that way. She passed away unexpectedly hours after our son was born.

There's no way for me to describe what I went through that day. I can only say that I wouldn't wish it on anyone I ever hated. It is truly an "end of the world" feeling, if that makes any sense. And after that, despite how much we loved one another and understood each other, I always felt that I could have loved her even more, and done more for her. I could have cleaned the bathroom, like she asked. I could have tried doing the half-marathon with her, like she asked. I could have done this, and done that....But it's all too late now. I guess losing someone you love can have that effect. It makes you feel guilt, in a way.

Of course, I did not want to live that day when my world around me all ended. But I keep going back to two things, and remind me of those things, to keep me sane and focused. 1) The very second I realized she was gone forever, one of the first things I told her was that I promised I would take care of our son and raise him well. I was hoping she could still hear me, by some miracle. I kept telling her that she can trust me to do the job and take care of him. 2) I owe it to her, and to him, to keep going. Her life ended too early, and she did not have a choice. I have a choice, and I owe it to us to keep focused and be a good father. Yes, some days are really tough, but in the last year or so, I have learned to block those painful thoughts out when I really need to focus and get something done. There's a time to grieve, and a time to get stuff done. It hasn't hurt any less; I've just gotten used to it. And every time I see our son do something amazing (he is a little over a year old now), it makes me wish she was there to see it too. And I know it will be difficult as he gets older too, and asks about his mother.

Sorry for the rambling, but I thought I might as well provide some context before answering the original question for this thread. How would I go on? I don't really know. Those things I promised her will always help. I love to see him grow, so that helps too. As for whether I'll meet someone else. I doubt it, but as I've learned last year, you never know what's around the corner. I'll keep an open mind, but I'm not at all interested in going out of my way to meet someone right now. I miss her so much, I don't think I can ever stop loving her, and miss her every day of my remaining life. I just hope that I'll get to see her again after I die, and hear her tell me that I did a great job raising our son.
Can we just make this the 2017 Thread of the Year right now?
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Old 03-21-17, 01:45 PM   #47
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

Hearbreaking story, Autotelik. Bravo to you for giving your son the best life you can considering what happened.

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Old 03-21-17, 07:01 PM   #48
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Autotelik View Post
I never knew when I'd write about my own experience, and of all places, at DVD Talk where I know things can get easily derailed. But it's been a little over a year for me, and almost that long since I checked out this forum. So maybe just the coincidence of seeing this thread made me feel like I might as well offer my $0.02, based on recent experiences.

My wife passed away early last year. We were together for over 10 years, and married for almost half of that time. Strangely, I always thought I would be the one to go first, because she was always the healthier person. She ran half-marathons, while I sat on the couch watching TV and movies. She went swimming before work, while I slept in. That's not to say we never did anything fun together; in fact, we went hiking together a lot and traveled frequently too. It's just that I always thought since she had healthier habits, I would go before she did. Last year, we had our first child. It was supposed to be our happiest day together, but it didn't turn out that way. She passed away unexpectedly hours after our son was born.

There's no way for me to describe what I went through that day. I can only say that I wouldn't wish it on anyone I ever hated. It is truly an "end of the world" feeling, if that makes any sense. And after that, despite how much we loved one another and understood each other, I always felt that I could have loved her even more, and done more for her. I could have cleaned the bathroom, like she asked. I could have tried doing the half-marathon with her, like she asked. I could have done this, and done that....But it's all too late now. I guess losing someone you love can have that effect. It makes you feel guilt, in a way.

Of course, I did not want to live that day when my world around me all ended. But I keep going back to two things, and remind me of those things, to keep me sane and focused. 1) The very second I realized she was gone forever, one of the first things I told her was that I promised I would take care of our son and raise him well. I was hoping she could still hear me, by some miracle. I kept telling her that she can trust me to do the job and take care of him. 2) I owe it to her, and to him, to keep going. Her life ended too early, and she did not have a choice. I have a choice, and I owe it to us to keep focused and be a good father. Yes, some days are really tough, but in the last year or so, I have learned to block those painful thoughts out when I really need to focus and get something done. There's a time to grieve, and a time to get stuff done. It hasn't hurt any less; I've just gotten used to it. And every time I see our son do something amazing (he is a little over a year old now), it makes me wish she was there to see it too. And I know it will be difficult as he gets older too, and asks about his mother.

Sorry for the rambling, but I thought I might as well provide some context before answering the original question for this thread. How would I go on? I don't really know. Those things I promised her will always help. I love to see him grow, so that helps too. As for whether I'll meet someone else. I doubt it, but as I've learned last year, you never know what's around the corner. I'll keep an open mind, but I'm not at all interested in going out of my way to meet someone right now. I miss her so much, I don't think I can ever stop loving her, and miss her every day of my remaining life. I just hope that I'll get to see her again after I die, and hear her tell me that I did a great job raising our son.
Your post left me speechless and made me tear up. Wishing you the best bro to you and your son and may he always be blessed.
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Old 03-21-17, 09:29 PM   #49
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

The hardest part would not be going on after she dies, but getting through the terrible ordeal of how you stated she dies: CANCER.

It would be a whole bunch of hurt, and I'd prefer not to go there. So, I'll default on the whole business and just state: I'll remain single for life and live (relatively) happily without dealing with the loss of a spouse / SO.
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Old 03-22-17, 12:35 AM   #50
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Re: When your signficant other is gone how would you go on?

I'm really sorry for your loss, Auto. All the best to you and your loved ones. Your family is very lucky to have a person like you. Your rationality and love will help your son grow in the right direction.
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