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Other Talk "Otterville" plus Religion/Politics

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Old 11-16-06, 12:35 PM   #1
Tommy_Harn
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Married Men: Ever had a crush?

So, I guess I'm kind of dealing with a tough situation (I was going to go the whole "my friend is having a hard time with . . . " route, but that seemed pretty lame). I've been married for over three years to a great woman, and the fact that I am waivering at all is pretty much ridiculous. Although we don't see eye-to-eye from time to time, I can admit that 90% of the time we argue it is probably mostly my fault. To make a long story short, she is just about everything you'd want in a wife. To me its pretty clear that I would be absolutely insane to fuck this up.

That being said, I met a girl a few weeks ago. My job requires me to be out in the community for part of my day, trying to build relationships with professionals with the ultimate goal of securing referrals from them. So anyways, I ended up meeting with this woman in her office for about a half an hour. While she seemed very nice (and attractive), we pretty much just talked business, and I didn't think much of it. At the end, we scheduled a time for the following week for her to come to my office for me to show her around and talk more about our services, etc.

At our second meeting, we had a longer, more detailed conversation. While much of the discussion was again business related, we spoke more about our backgrounds, where we went to school, schedules, stuff like that. I did not tell her that I was married (though I was wearing my wedding ring), and she didn't discuss her situation either. However, I noticed one of those heart rings that indicates whether a chick is single or not, and she seemed available.

We just seemed to really click very well, lots of eye contact, smiles, easy conversation. Nothing physical took place, save a couple of handshakes. If I were single, there is no way I would have let her leave without asking her out. And, unless she was just being nice, I think she would have said yes. But alas, she left, and that is the last time I spoke to or have contacted her.

The problem is, ever since I've had a very difficult time getting her off my mind. Although something like this has never happened to me before, I understand that a "crush" like this is pretty common. But its now been close to a month, and I'm starting to worry. I feel both very guilty and slightly mental about having these feelings for someone I barely know when I have a great wife at home. To make matters worse, I'm sure it is starting to affect my home life.

So, I guess I'm looking for advice on how to get my shit together. Unless I initiate contact with this other girl, its plausible that months could go by without seeing her. But would that be a good thing? If I saw her, it might dawn on me that she isn't this perfect vision of a woman that I have in my head. Or even better, maybe I'll find out she's into chicks, thus making me realize that I completely mis-read the situation. Or, and this is what scares me, is this crush just a symptom of what could be a bigger problem with my relationship? I don't expect anybody to know just from an Internet post, but maybe you people can start talking some sense into me.
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Old 11-16-06, 12:37 PM   #2
Minor Threat
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I for one am looking forward to the bump of this thread in a month or so to see what happens.....
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Old 11-16-06, 12:39 PM   #3
Minor Threat
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommy_Harn
To make matters worse, I'm sure it is starting to affect my home life.

I'd like a little more detail here.....how?
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Old 11-16-06, 12:39 PM   #4
jonw9
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I would not read too much into this. You are a man, you will be attracted to women, nothing you can do about that. Go visit some other clients, become attracted to one of those and forget this one. It is the circle of life.
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Old 11-16-06, 12:48 PM   #5
GoVegan
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You don't need to see her again to find out that she's not perfect. You already know: she's not perfect. You DO need to see her again in order to do something you'll regret. Don't arrange a meeting with her. If you do, however, be sure to post all the terrible details here.
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Old 11-16-06, 12:50 PM   #6
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Explain the heart rings.
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Old 11-16-06, 12:50 PM   #7
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Haven't you people ever heard of threeways?
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Old 11-16-06, 12:53 PM   #8
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ruin your chances with this woman so that you wont screw up your marraige.

Photoshop her face on to some nude models and show her
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Old 11-16-06, 12:53 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Numanoid
Haven't you people ever heard of threeways?

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Old 11-16-06, 12:56 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minor Threat
I for one am looking forward to the bump of this thread in a month or so to see what happens.....
I for one am looking forward to some honest advice on this one.

Oh I forgot...it's dvdtalk

btw...how long were you dating before you were married?
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Old 11-16-06, 12:58 PM   #11
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There's nothing wrong with you. You're only obsessing about it because you know you're obsessing about it. In other words, you're obsessing about the fact that you're obsessing. Go out on a date with your wife, focus on her, and remind yourself why you love her--that's the fastest way to erase any thoughts about someone else.
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Old 11-16-06, 01:00 PM   #12
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I think by 'crush' you mean lust after some forbidden hottie just becasue she is hot and you know you can't have her.

If you really mean crush, then you should not have gotten married, you are too immature.

But to lust after some fine piece of ass is ok
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Old 11-16-06, 01:04 PM   #13
Tommy_Harn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minor Threat
I'd like a little more detail here.....how?
Not to overstate things, but I have been sort of space cadet recently. I've been super busy at work, so that might also be contributing to me not being quite as available at home.
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Old 11-16-06, 01:12 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommy_Harn
Married Men: Ever had a crush?
[Patton]Every Goddamn day.[/Patton]
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Old 11-16-06, 01:13 PM   #15
Minor Threat
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You need to take your wife out on a real date and hook-up again.....
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Old 11-16-06, 01:16 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minor Threat
You need to take your wife out on a real date and hook-up again.....
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Old 11-16-06, 01:17 PM   #17
Brian Shannon
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Married Men: Ever had a crush?
No never, oh wait . . .

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Old 11-16-06, 02:38 PM   #18
exm
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Either go for it, with a 75%-100% chance of breaking up your marriage or (re)focus on your wife. And as you described your opinion of your wife, it seems like a no-brainer to me.

Having fantasies is fine, but don't act on it.
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Old 11-16-06, 02:56 PM   #19
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I say do her. It could help u seal that contract.
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Old 11-16-06, 03:01 PM   #20
Flashback
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How old are you?

Next, if you were not married but seriousely dating your wife, would you break up with her and go after this girl?

Do you have children (not sure if you said that yet)?

I think it's more that you just met a woman that you are attracted to and you need to let it go or learn to seperate the two. I think all you need to do is step back and seriousely look at what you have and what the 'green grass' really is...or get your finances in order.
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Old 11-16-06, 03:03 PM   #21
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do I have a crush on married men....yes... yes, I do
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Old 11-16-06, 03:09 PM   #22
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Don't beat yourself up about it. Accept that you are male and will be attracted to lots of women. Then let the other woman go.

Do not initiate any sort of contact with this woman. Even if you were single attempting to date a business contact is really poor behavior.

Focus on your wife. Go out and have fun with her. You know her better than any woman you randomly encounter. Other women have just as many or more faults. You just don't know them yet.

Even if you don't feel loving towards your wife at that moment, act the part and the feeling will follow.

Never, ever admit these thoughts to your wife as some sort of brutal honesty bullshit. She deserves to have trust and faith in you, without wondering if you're thinking about someone else. At least give her that.
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Old 11-16-06, 03:17 PM   #23
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The crush doesn't become a serious problem until you act on it.

Don't act on it. Have some respect for yourself and more importantly for your wife.
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Old 11-16-06, 03:26 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommy_Harn
...I've been married for over three years to a great woman, and the fact that I am waivering at all is pretty much ridiculous. Although we don't see eye-to-eye from time to time, I can admit that 90% of the time we argue it is probably mostly my fault. To make a long story short, she is just about everything you'd want in a wife. To me its pretty clear that I would be absolutely insane to fuck this up.

That being said...
I kept the parts of your original post that I think are important.

First off, I'm not a therapist or a counselor by any means, just an otter, but you asked for our input and advice, so here goes (just take it with a healthy grain of salt)...

The statements that I quoted above make me think that you're starting to lean toward wondering whether you made a mistake when you got married. It doesn't sound like you think you married the wrong woman, but it does kind of sound like you aren't so sure whether you want to be married. You talk about how great your wife is, how you are responsible for 90% of your arguments, and how you'd have to be insane to even consider screwing it up. You then proceed to tell us how you're considering screwing it up.

Men are men. Men are attracted to women. If the goal of marriage was to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, then there would be exactly one married man, and his name would be Danny DeVito (sorry, just trying to inject a little marital humor here ). But seriously, there would be one married man, and the rest of us would be envying him.

My wife is beautiful, but she is not the most beautiful woman in the world. From time to time (not TOO often), I encounter women who are more attractive than my wife. I window shop, read the specs, browse their inventory, check out their accessories, whatever you want to call it. My wife knows this, and often teases me about it. One such woman is Stacy Keibler. I find her incredible.

But marriage isn't about getting the best, most beautiful woman you know, and then trading up if you find a better one. Marriage is about choice and commitment. It isn't all about love and happiness, it is also about work and effort and devotion.

IMO, your situation with your wife are two separate (but obviously somewhat related) situations. Forget about this crush for now. Focus on your marriage and your wife. Do you want to remain in a marital relationship with this woman? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Do you love her enough to forgive her when she starts arguments, and enough to ask for her forgiveness when you start arguments? Do you want to love her, or do you just feel like you should because she's your wife?

Focus on that and answer those questions before you try to decide whether you should pursue this other woman. If you decide to remain in your marriage, then you don't really have much choice with the other woman. But if you want to pursue the other woman, then surely you must realize you will have very little chance of building a successful relationship with her while you are married.

IMO, there is no reason to worry about a lingering "crush". Hell, there was a local newscaster that I had a crush on, and my wife knew about it, so she used a friend with connections and got the newscaster to call me at work for an interview about my job. She knew I would never act out on the crush, and she was right. Because I choose my marriage every single time I see a woman I'm attracted to, and I'm always happy with that choice. And my wife does the same thing, and we might not be the most attractive couple around, but we're strong and happy together, and I always know I've got at least one person on my team, and that counts for a lot.

Obviously I'm pretty pro-marriage, but if yours isn't right, I wouldn't argue that you should stay in it out of guilt or obligation. I'm just saying that you should do some thinking and make a clear decision about the marital relationship. Don't go looking for stupid mistakes you can make to create problems and give yourself an out.
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Old 11-16-06, 03:28 PM   #25
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I say do her. It could help u seal that contract.
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