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Old 03-16-17, 06:16 PM   #1
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Hasrshest critic reviews

Was reading "Horror Movies of the 19080's" and this part about a review from Starlog magazine about John Carpenter's The Thing seemed pretty harsh:

"It's my convention that John Carpenter was never meant to direct science fiction horror movies. Here's some things he'd be better suited to direct: Traffic accidents, train wrecks and public floggings."

Ouch. Anyone have any other examples of critics who seemed especially hateful towards the directors or actors in the movie?
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Old 03-16-17, 07:05 PM   #2
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

That is pretty hasrsh!
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Old 03-16-17, 07:39 PM   #3
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Roger Elbert's review of Freddy Got Fingered:

"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."
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Old 03-16-17, 11:03 PM   #4
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

I had to Wiki this one for the details. I discovered it way back when I worked for Suncoast ... Leonard Maltin's review of the 1948 musical "Isn't It Romantic?":

"No."

Oddly though, he gave it 2 out of 4 stars.
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Rex Fenestrarum hits one out of the park: You'd think after all this time they woulda figured out that "hot" to me is Marion Cotillard smoking a Gauloise outside a café in Paris, not some plasticy, kilted jigglegirl in a suburban Atlanta breastaurant.

dvdjunkie32 forgets how Otterville works: I only asked for some simple advice, not 7 pages of mockery.
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Old 03-16-17, 11:05 PM   #5
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic View Post
That is pretty hasrsh!
Hasrsh indeed! I actually thought it meant a critic named Hasrsh.
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Old 03-16-17, 11:06 PM   #6
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic View Post
That is pretty hasrsh!
But is it the hasrshest or is it just hasrsher than most?

Why am I craving scrambled eggs and hasrsh browns now?
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Rex Fenestrarum hits one out of the park: You'd think after all this time they woulda figured out that "hot" to me is Marion Cotillard smoking a Gauloise outside a café in Paris, not some plasticy, kilted jigglegirl in a suburban Atlanta breastaurant.

dvdjunkie32 forgets how Otterville works: I only asked for some simple advice, not 7 pages of mockery.
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Old 03-17-17, 01:48 AM   #7
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Quote:
Originally Posted by robin2099 View Post
Was reading "Horror Movies of the 19080's" and this part about a review from Starlog magazine about John Carpenter's The Thing seemed pretty harsh:

"It's my convention that John Carpenter was never meant to direct science fiction horror movies. Here's some things he'd be better suited to direct: Traffic accidents, train wrecks and public floggings."

Ouch. Anyone have any other examples of critics who seemed especially hateful towards the directors or actors in the movie?
I'm just happy to know ol' JC lives for another 10,000 years and remakes his own film.
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Old 03-17-17, 03:31 AM   #8
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

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Originally Posted by Abob Teff View Post
But is it the hasrshest or is it just hasrsher than most?

Why am I craving scrambled eggs and hasrsh browns now?
Time to smoke some hasrshish.
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Old 03-17-17, 07:38 AM   #9
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Stop trying to make hasrshest happen!
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Old 03-17-17, 08:30 AM   #10
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Ah, the Nineteen-aught-eighties. I remember it like it was only sixteen thousand years into the future. It was the best of times, it was the hasrsherst of times...

Gleep Gloop, the highest rated criti-bot of the time, had this to say about 20,000 Leagues of the Furious.

"Beep. Beep boop. Bleep bleep bloop blop beep."

Fucking savage, he was.
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Old 03-17-17, 08:34 AM   #11
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

^^^ Okay, I chuckled at that. Didn't laugh, but I did chuckle.
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Old 03-17-17, 10:54 AM   #12
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

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^^^ Okay, I chuckled at that. Didn't laugh, but I did chuckle.
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Old 03-17-17, 11:20 AM   #13
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

I do not agree with this review at all, but it's a pretty good burn.

Quote:
'HEAVEN'S GATE,' A WESTERN BY CIMINO

By VINCENT CANBY
Published: November 19, 1980
''HEAVEN'S GATE,'' Michael Cimino's gigantic new western and his first film since the Oscar-winning ''The Deer Hunter,'' is apparently based on a historical incident that occured in Johnson County, Wyo. in 1890: with the tacit approval of the state government, the county's wealthy cattle barons banded together in a systematic attempt to murder more than 100 German, Bulgarian, Russian and Ukrainian settlers who were encroaching on their lands. If one can say nothing else on behalf of ''Heaven's Gate'' (and I certainly can't), it's probably the first western to celebrate the role played by central and eastern Europeans in the settlement of the American West.

''Heaven's Gate,'' which opens today at the Cinema One, fails so completely that you might suspect Mr. Cimino sold his soul to the Devil to obtain the success of ''The Deer Hunter,'' and the Devil has just come around to collect.

The grandeur of vision of the Vietnam film has turned pretentious. The feeling for character has vanished and Mr. Cimino's approach to his subject is so predictable that watching the film is like a forced, four-hour walking tour of one's own living room.

Mr. Cimino has written his own screenplay, whose awfulness has been considerably inflated by the director's wholly unwarranted respect for it. Though the story really has to do with the contradictory feelings of Jim Averill (Kris Kristofferson), the Federal marshal in Johnson County, toward the land war, toward a coltish, completely unbelievable frontier madam (Isabelle Huppert) and a fellow (Christopher Walken) who was once his best friend, the film's first 20 minutes are devoted entirely to Averill's graduation from Harvard 20 years before. You thought the wedding feast that opened ''The Deer Hunter'' went on too long? Wait till you see ''Heaven's Gate.'' The situation isn't helped by the fact that the university looks not like Harvard but like Oxford, where it was actually photographed.

The narrative line is virtually non-existent, which is not to say there isn't a good deal of activity - fights, shoot-outs, cross words, and lots and lots of sequences in which hundreds of extras are belligerent or dumbfoundingly merry. Though the extras speak in Russian, German, Bulgarian and Ukrainian, all of which is dutifully translated by English subtitles (along with some other dialogue we don't even hear), they act in the mindless fashion of extras in a badly directed, robust Romberg operetta.

The point of ''Heaven's Gate'' is that the rich will murder for the earth they don't inherit, but since this is not enough to carry three hours and 45 minutes of screentime, ''Heaven's Gate'' keeps wandering off to look at scenery, to imitate bad art (my favorite shot in the film is Miss Huppert reenacting ''September Morn'') or to give us footnotes (not of the first freshness) to history, as when we are shown an early baseball game. There's so much mandolin music in the movie you might suspect that there's a musical gondolier anchored just off-screen, which, as it turns out, is not far from the truth.

Nothing in the movie works properly. For all of the time and money that went into it, it's jerry-built, a ship that slides straight to the bottom at its christening.

Vilmos Zsigmond's gritty, golden photography looked better in ''McCabe and Mrs. Miller.'' The aforementioned performers, plus Sam Waterston as the principal villain - each one a talented professional, have no material to work with. In addition they're frequently upstaged by the editing, which sometimes leaves them at the end of a scene with egg on their faces, staring dumbly into a middle distance, at absolutely nothing.

''Heaven's Gate'' is something quite rare in movies these days - an unqualified disaster.
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Old 03-17-17, 12:21 PM   #14
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Quote:
Shit sandwich
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Old 03-17-17, 12:22 PM   #15
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

"Do you know what a Hasrshest is Frank? It's a pig that can't fly straight."
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Old 03-17-17, 02:26 PM   #16
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

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Originally Posted by Dr. Mantle View Post
I do not agree with this review at all, but it's a pretty good burn.
I remember that review. It singlehandedly brought down United Artists. I used to be furious at Canby for doing that. But then I finally saw the full cut of HEAVEN'S GATE and y'know what? He was right!!!
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Old 03-17-17, 04:30 PM   #17
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

I remember this review of "Not Cool":

“Not Cool,” one of two films to emerge from a Starz competition show called “The Chair,” is an attempt at a raunchy comedy that is so poorly executed and so unfunny that no one involved with it should ever be allowed to work in the movies again.

And this was in the New York Times!!

The reviewer went on to say: "The characters are vile; the acting is terrible; the tone is a confusing mishmash; and there’s not an original thought or joke in the thing."

(The movie currently has a rating of "1" on MetaCritic.)
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Old 03-17-17, 05:00 PM   #18
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Just check out "John Simon on Film" and pick out any random movie.
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Old 03-17-17, 07:20 PM   #19
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Roger Ebert's review of North was pretty harsh -

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Originally Posted by Roger Ebert
I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.
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Old 03-17-17, 11:26 PM   #20
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan View Post
Ah, the Nineteen-aught-eighties. I remember it like it was only sixteen thousand years into the future. It was the best of times, it was the hasrsherst of times...

Gleep Gloop, the highest rated criti-bot of the time, had this to say about 20,000 Leagues of the Furious.

"Beep. Beep boop. Bleep bleep bloop blop beep."

Fucking savage, he was.
Should have seen the tv show ...

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Rex Fenestrarum hits one out of the park: You'd think after all this time they woulda figured out that "hot" to me is Marion Cotillard smoking a Gauloise outside a café in Paris, not some plasticy, kilted jigglegirl in a suburban Atlanta breastaurant.

dvdjunkie32 forgets how Otterville works: I only asked for some simple advice, not 7 pages of mockery.
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Old 03-19-17, 12:46 AM   #21
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Roger Ebert on I Spit on Your Grave (1980):

"A vile bag of garbage named "I Spit on Your Grave" is playing in Chicago theaters this week. It is a movie so sick, reprehensible and contemptible that I can hardly believe it's playing in respectable theaters. But it is. Attending it was one of the most depressing experiences of my life."

Roger Ebert on Caligula:

""This movie," said the lady in front of me at the drinking fountain, "is the worst piece of shit I have ever seen."
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Old 03-19-17, 12:53 AM   #22
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

The best harsh review I've ever seen, heard, or read was simply this...

When Leonard Maltin did movie reviews for Entertainment Tonight back in the 80's, he did a review for Transylvania 6-5000. The review consisted of Leonard bouncing in his seat (the setting for his reviews was like a small movie theater, with Maltin in one of the seats) to the song, "Pennsylvania 6-5000," with the Pennsylvania part changed to Transylvania. So it goes like this - song with band shouting, "Transylvania 6-5000," and then Leonard, without skipping a beat, says, "Stinks. I'm Leonard Maltin, Entertainment Tonight."

BRILLIANT review. That movie didn't deserve anything more than that. It was a great burn and a great harsh review, and it was done with great humor.
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Old 03-19-17, 02:01 AM   #23
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

I know Ebert has been quoted a lot but this one holds a special place in my heart.
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Old 03-19-17, 02:51 PM   #24
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

Here's Ebert's review where he chronicles the fight between Rob Schneider and an LA film critic.

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"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" makes a living cleaning fish tanks and occasionally prostituting himself. How much he charges I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie. "Deuce Bigalow" is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes.

Rob Schneider is back, playing a male prostitute (or, as the movie reminds us dozens of times, a "man whore"). He is not a gay hustler, but specializes in pleasuring women, although the movie's closest thing to a sex scene is when he wears diapers on orders from a giantess. Oh, and he goes to dinner with a woman with a laryngectomy, who sprays wine on him through her neck vent.

The plot: Deuce visits his friend T.J. Hicks (Eddie Griffin) in Amsterdam, where T.J. is a pimp specializing in man-whores. Business is bad, because a serial killer is murdering male prostitutes, and so Deuce acts as a decoy to entrap the killer. In his investigation he encounters a woman with a penis for a nose. You don't want to know what happens when she sneezes.

Does this sound like a movie you want to see? It sounds to me like a movie that Columbia Pictures and the film's producers (Glenn S. Gainor, Jack Giarraputo, Tom McNulty, Nathan Talbert Reimann, Adam Sandler and John Schneider) should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child.

The movie created a spot of controversy last February. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.

Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.
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Old 03-22-17, 08:16 PM   #25
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Re: Hasrshest critic reviews

As an aside, whenever Leonard Maltin is mentioned I think of John Landis and vice versa.
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