Yeti4623

Who do you believe is the snobbiest film critic?

godzilla rules

I think that the snobbiest critics are as follows:

Peter Travers
those motherfuckers who write for Entertainment Weekly
Harry Knowles

All of these "critics" make you feel like you are a dummy when you read their reviews. With the MFs from EW, you sometimes need a dictionary to fully understand what they are talking about.

Rypro 525

i was gonna say Neil Cumpston (remember him ) but then i remembered that it was actually Patton Oswalt in disguise

The Antipodean

Anthony Lane

DaveyJoe

Armond White

Fist of Doom

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Hokeyboy

Some of these responses reveal far more about the posters than the "snobby critics."

tylergfoster

Sorry, guys. I admit it. From the moment I saw the thread title, I knew you'd figured it out.

It's Thomas Spurlin.

MrSmearkase

Not even close, he'll recommend some real shit movies because they "make his boy parts gooey." (I'm paraphrasing, of course, but its not as if he hasn't said something equally as stupid over the past decade and a half)

Sean O'Hara

Really. Bosley Crowther was a snob. Andrew Sarris is a snob.

The guys at Entertainment Weekly are whores one step above Ben Lyons.

Meglos

Don't forget the incessant name dropping and the constant reminders to his fellow nerds that he's married.

Meglos

Hokeyboy

Hilarious how people allow themselves to feel belittled by movie reviewers.

islandclaws

I don't really read film reviews often, but the only ones that I've found to be elitist enough to practically offend me were written by Armond White.

Rypro 525

His Matrix Reloaded review was amazing

MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.

This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that fucking good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-shit out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!

WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “FUCK” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT

I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that fucking Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the fuck even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.


NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get pussy. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really fucking scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.
Spoiler:

ASS-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty fucking cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.

HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between Ass-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.

ASS-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:

ASS-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy shit. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “fuck you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.

ASS-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “fuck you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-ass happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.

HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” FUCKING” AND “SJOT”
ASS-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ass-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy cock for ketchup packets compared to this scene.

HOLY
Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and

FIUCKINGING
Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a fucking motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the fucking samurai sword and the head-on crash and

!!!FUCK!!!
the fucking Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

And there’s a whole other ass-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that fucking chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).

Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.

Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.

MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL SHIT the third movie.

That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:

“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston

5/1/03

Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.
Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a ***** again.

RocShemp

This thread made me realise how little time I spend reading reviews as most those names don't ring a bell.

Groucho

Roger Ebert (when discussing video games only)

Rockmjd23

Antoine Merriweather.

Trevor

1 for Groucho.

Mabuse

Owen Glieberman and Lisa Swartzbaum at EW are total lightweight shills for the studios. They are anything but snobby.

Dr Mabuse

Made the thread worth reading.

DieselsDen

David Manning.

gryffinmaster

Well, obviously.

Yeti4623

It would be hard to me to be a film critic, because 80% of the time, my opinion changes if I rewatch a movie. I need to watch most movies two or three times, to truly get my opinion.

tylergfoster

Since I posted that, our mutual love for Mary-Louise Parker has caused my opinion to do a 180.