DonnachaOne

What'syour favorite movie rant? A sequence of unabashed vitriol, there to lascerate the poor soul it's visited upon?

My fave. TRAINSPOTTING

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the ****ing Earth! The most wretched miserable servile pathetic trash that was ever shat on civilization. Some people hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to get colonized by. We're ruled by effete *******s. It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won't make any ****ing difference!

DonnachaOne

Let's not forget...
25TH HOUR

Monty's Reflection: **** me? **** you! **** you and this whole city and everyone in it.
**** the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back.
**** squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a ****ing job!
**** the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores and stinking up my day. Terrorists in ****ing training. Slow the **** down!
**** the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35.
**** the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?
**** the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you ****ing came from!
**** the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds!
**** the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe mother ****ers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron *******s to jail for ****ing life! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a ****ing break! Tyco! Imclone! Adelphia! Worldcom!
**** the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst ****in' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, because they make the Puerto Ricans look good.
**** the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, and their St. Anthony medallions. Swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos.
**** the Upper East Side wives with their Hermés scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart!
**** the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take fives steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the **** on!
**** the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust!
**** the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. **** the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, **** JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in ****in Otisville, Jay!
**** Osama Bin Laden, Alqueda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist *******s everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fueled fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal, Irish ass!
**** Jacob Elinski, whining malcontent.
**** Francis Xavier Slaughtery, my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass.
**** Naturel Rivera. I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back. Sold me up the river. ****ing bitch.
**** my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar. Sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen and cheering the Bronx Bombers.
**** this whole city and everyone in it. From the row houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage. Let it burn to ****in ash then let the waters rise and submerge this whole, rat-infested place.
Monty: No. No, **** you, Montgomery Brogan. You had it all and then you threw it away, you dumb ****!

DonnachaOne

Though it was a deleted scene, I'm also mentioning this from Natural Born Killers.

Mental Patient:KNOCK, KNOCK! Who's there? Mickey! Mickey who? Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mantle, Mickey Rourke, Mickey Finn, Mickey Dolenz, Mickey Knox! Guilty? You bet your ass! But I think Charles Manson said it best when he said -- "I'm not herrrre, man...I'm not here!" I don't blame Mickey or Mallory, I blame Ajax and Jack Frost and Frosted Flakes and Achy Breaky, Lyndon Johnson, Johnny Cash, Johnny Carson, Johnny Quest! I blame the Pope, and Pop-Tarts, the Popile Pocket Fisherman! Ahh! I blame Jif, and jazz and O.J. Simpson, JFK, RFK, FDR, FBI, CIA, STP, AFL, CIO, ABC, NBC, JVC, VCR! I blame John Wilkes Booth and Mark David Chapman and Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan and Mary Tyler Moore! I blame ALL PEOPLE who use three names! Big Bird, blame! Barney, blame! I blame Jesus Christ and Jon Bon Jovi! I stick my right index finger in Wayne Newton's left eyeball! Not their parents, not drugs, not society-at-large. Do you want to know who I really blame? The PITTSBURGH PIRATES because in 1947, Major League Baseball scouted a hot young pitching prospect named Fidel Castro! Hot outta Havana High, he had big speed and a nasty curveball but at the last minute, the teams all rescinded their offers, Just THINK about that! If Fidel had been drafted, huh huh? No Bay of Pigs, no Kennedy assassination, no cover-up, no Vietnam, no Nixon, no Ford, no bell-bottoms, no Brady Bunch, no earthshoes, no Reagan, no CRACK! No, we'd all be eating HOT DOGS and APLLE PIE and smoking BIG FAT CUBAN CIGARS! M-I-C. See you real soon. K-E-Y. Why? Because they want to, that's why.

Corvin

...you took all the fun ones.

DonnachaOne

I took all the fun ones? What about this one? Starts as a harsh speech, ends as nothin' but a rant: CHASING AMY

HOOPER X:F**k Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom n**ga! Always some white boy gotta invoke `the holy trilogy'. Bust this! Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down... even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit! You got cracker farm-boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy - blond hair, blue eyes. And then you've got Darth Vader: the blackest brother in the galaxy, NUBIAN motherf**ker...

BANKY:What's a nubian?

HOOPER X: Shut the f**k up! Now Vader, he's a spiritual brother, with the force and all that shit. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a lightsaber, and the boy decides HE's gonna run the f**king universe! Gets a whole KLAN of whites together, and they're gonna bust up Vader's 'hood, the Death Star. Now what the f**k do you call THAT?

BANKY: ... intergalactic civil war?

HOOPER X: GENTRIFICATION! They're gonna drive OUT the black element, to make the galaxy quote unquote "safe" for white folks! And JEDI's the most insulting installment, because Vader's beautiful black visage is SULLIED when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty old white man! They're trying to tell us, that deep inside, WE ALL WANTS TO BE WHITE!

BANKY: ...well isn't that true?

ArchibaldTuttle

I thought the smurf rant in Donnie Darko was pretty funny

Donnie: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

Tscott

You can't forget Sarah Silverman as 'Raving Bitch' in The Way of the Gun

Raving Bitch: Hey dickless get off the ****ing car. Hey **** suck get your slippery ****ing ass of the car. Listen to me, get off the ****ing car with your ****ing ass.
Parker: Shut that ****s mouth or I'll come over ther and **** start her head.
Raving Bitch: You're gonna wish you never got up this ****ing morning *******, because my boyfriend's gonna **** you up, and then after that while he's ****ing up your ****ing gay uncle over there I'm gonna cut off your cock and mail it to your mother. You ****ing faggot bitch. You gaylord ****ing bitch. How do you like that? You like that a lot you ****ing faggot? You like to ass ****? Fontanella ****ing baby head. You like to **** baby head?
Bar Patron: Go ahead
Raving Bitch: You like to **** boys. He's gonna **** you in the ass, how do you like that he's not even gay but he'll do it just...
Bar Patron: Honey honey. She's got a big mouth but she's not kidding. I'm gonna whip you silly and I'm gonna **** you stupid. You wanna do the man dance? First dance is yours.

inri222

Ricky Roma: All train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time. When you die you're going to regret the things you don't do. You think you're queer? I'm going to tell you something: we're all queer. You think you're a thief? So what? You get befuddled by a middle-class morality? Get shut of it. Shut it out. You cheated on your wife? You did it, live with it. You fukc little girls, so be it. There's an absolute morality? Maybe. And then what? If you think there is, then be that thing. Bad people go to hell? I don't think so. If you think that, act that way. A hell exists on earth? Yes. I won't live in it. That's me. You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours?

Jay G.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles:

"Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?"

"Yes."

"How may I help you?"

"You can start by wiping that f***ing dumb-ass smile off your rosy f***ing cheeks. Then you can give me a f***ing automobile. A f***ing Datsun, a f***ing Toyota, a f***ing Mustang, a f***ing Buick. Four f***ing wheels and a seat."

"I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me."

"And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of f***ing nowhere with f***ing keys to a f***ing car that isn't f***ing there. And I really didn't care to f***ing walk down a f***ing highway and across a f***ing runway to get back here to have you smile at my f***ing face. I want a f***ing car right f***ing now."

"May I see your rental agreement?"

"I threw it away."

"Oh boy."

"Oh boy what?"

"You're f***ed."

Hiro11

Ben Stiller improvising:

Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not--hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip, then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

Spooky

Let's not forget this one:





Clark W. Griswold: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny ****ing Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of *******s this side of the nuthouse!

Draven

I like this one better, mostly because of the end:

Clark W. Griswold: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

zekeburger1979

From Good Will Hunting:

Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

DonnachaOne

ADAPTATION.

Robert McKee: Nothing happens in the world?!? Are you out of your f**king mind? People are murdered every day! There's genocide, war, corruption! Every f**king day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else! Every f**king day, someone, somewhere makes a conscious decision to destroy someone else! People find love, people lose it! For Christ's sake, a child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman! If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know crap about life! And why the F**K are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!

DonnachaOne

AMERICAN BEAUTY

Carolyn: Don't you mess with me Mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't f**k other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you, I don't even try to TOUCH you because you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But, I did support you before you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!

grunter

I will most likely buy "25th Hour" for that one rant alone.

DonnachaOne

... I think most people did! Solid movie, in my opinion.

SEXY BEAST

Don: Shut up, c**t! You louse! You got some ****in' neck, 'aven't you? Retired? F**k off, you're revolting! Look at your suntan, it's leather, it's like leather man, your skin! We could make a ****ing suitcase out of you! Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard! You look like f**king Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself! Who do you think you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk? What you think this is, the wheel of fortune? You think you can make your dough and f**k off? Leave the table? Thanks Don, see you Don, off to sunny Spain now Don, **** off Don! Lying in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me, you think I'm gonna have that? You really think I'm gonna have that, ya ponce. All right, I'll make it easy for you. God knows you're fu*king trying. Are you gonna do the job? It's not a difficult question, are you gonna do the job, YES or NO!

Nick Danger

Repo Man

J. Frank Parnell: Ever been to Utah? Ra-di-a-tion. Yes, indeed. You hear the most outrageous lies about it. Half-baked goggle-box do-gooders telling everybody it's bad for you. Pernicious nonsense! Everybody could stand a hundred chest X-rays a year. They ought to have them, too. When they canceled the project it almost did me in. One day my mind was full to bursting. The next day - nothing. Swept away. But I'll show them. I had a lobotomy in the end.

Otto: Lobotomy? Isn't that for loonies?

Parnell: Not at all. Friend of mine had one. Designer of the neutron bomb. You ever hear of the neutron bomb? Destroys people - leaves buildings standing. Fits in a suitcase. It's so small, no one knows it's there until - BLAMMO! Eyes melt, skin explodes, everybody dead! So immoral, working on the thing can drive you mad. That's what happened to this friend of mine. So he had a lobotomy. Now he's well again.

Trigger

great stuff in this thread. Spacey has had some awesome ones and so has Bill Murray.

Trigger

Nick Danger - you're my new best friend. Repo Man is one of my favs of all time.

Also - wasn't there some good ranting in Boiler Room? And someone oughtta post more rants from Glengarry Glenross. Also surprised to not see some Jules rants from Pulp Fiction.

DonnachaOne

For you, Trigger.

PULP FICTION

Vincent: I've got a threshold, Jules, I've got a threshold for the abuse that I'll take and right now I'm a racecar, man, and you got me in the red. I'm just saying, I'm just SAYING it's ****ing dangerous to have a racecar in the ****ing red, that's all. I might blow.
Jules: Oh, you ready to blow? Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-laying mother*****er, mother*****er! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm Superfly! TNT! I'm the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, what the ***** am I doing in the back? You the ************ should be on brain detail! We ****ing switching, I'm washing the windows and you picking up this ni**er's skull!

kenny79

Because life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and stuff, and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off! But if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work, you can't give up! You gotta stand right up! You gotta run to a window and say, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANY MORE!"

(Not exactly it, as I took it from IMDb and corrected it to memory)

Corleone316

From Training Day:

Aww, you ************s. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you bitches! Huh. You think you can do this shit...Jake! You think you can do this to me?! You ************s will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you! Shoe program, *****. 23 hour lockdown! I'm the man up in this piece! You'll never see the light of.....who the **** do you think you're ****ing with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here! Yeah, that's right, you better walk away! Go on and walk away...'cause I'm gonna' burn this ************ down. King Kong ain't got shit on me! That's right, that's right. Shit, I don't, ****. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any mother****ing way. I can't lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can't kill me.

mllefoo

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

(I'd post the whole speech, but it's late and I don't remember it all.)

Rypro 525

a funny one from pulp fiction on washing hands

Jules: ****, ******, what did you do to his towel?
Vincent: I was dryin' my hands.
Jules: You're supposed to wash 'em first.
Vincent: You watched me wash 'em.
Jules: I watched you get 'em wet.
Vincent: I washed 'em. This shit's hard to get off. Maybe if I had Lava or something, I coulda done a better job.
Jules: I used the same ****in' soap you did and when I got finished, the towel didn't look like no god-damn Maxi-Pad!!