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Old 08-16-00, 04:07 PM   #1
G. Noel Gross
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Attention Drive-In Mutants ...



It seems like just yesterday Alicia Silverstone first started gnawing on her lower lip and wiggling her money maker in Aerosmith videos. That was also about the time she starred in The Crush (1993, 89 minutes), a film lauded by MTV and beloved by horn dogs across this great land of ours. But oh, how sweet Alicia has fallen. The indignity of Batman & Robin. And even Shakespeare shill Kenneth Branagh made her do one of Bill's least liked plays -- as a MUSICAL!!! The horror!!!

The movie: The blond fella from The Princess Bride rents a room above some rich folks' garage and soon their 14-year-old daughter is peeping at him through the shrubbery. Nick (Cary Elwes) is too busy cleaning his glasses and worrying about what his new editor will think of him to really notice that Adrian (Silverstone) is spending an awful lot of time following him around, and hanging on his every word. Somehow or another, she talks the dimwit into taking her to her favorite make-out spot, where she crams her tongue down his throat. Nick FINALLY gets what's going on and pushes her away. However neither he, nor Adrian really get the message. He pretends it didn't happen. And she's just plain nuts. Later, boy meets hot photographer at the office -- jilted teen carves dirty words across his freshly-painted hood. (Think Lolita meets Fatal Attraction meets "The Real World.") Things steadily get worse for idiot Nick, who somehow or another can't MOVE OUT, despite reporting for a big-time magazine. Regardless, the picture works toward a very satisfying ending. The final scene pays homage to Psycho, and begs for a sequel that's yet to happen. Someone call Alicia's hiney double and let's get Numero Two-o on the fast track. And remember, fellas, flush those condoms.

Notables: No breasts. No dead bodies. 2 ounces blood. Sunbathing. Gratuitous carrousel. Saddle sabotage. Yellow-Jacket attack. Computer crime. Cigar chewing. Fireplace-poker fu. Bitch slapping. Peeping. Teasing. Answering machine abuse. One stunt butt.

Quotables: No sooner than Adrian meets Nick she whines, "Please don't be afraid of me." But somewhere in between beaming him over the head with a poker, she growls, "I still LOVE you, Nick!" She spares no venom on Nick's girlfriend (Jennifer Rubin), "Oh, don't worry, Amy, some guy's really like girls with small breasts."

Time codes: Things start to get out of hand (21:35). Freeze-frame pervert's delight (28:33, 32:11, 33:46, 33:04). Much-o bee fu (58:35).

Audio/Video: Very robust Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack. The garden scenes are especially full of aural life. Crisp anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) transfer.

Extras: Animated menus with theatrical score. No Crush trailer, but ones for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Chill Factor, Diabolique, Pacific Heights, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Silent Fall, Young Guns II and True Romance. Anemic cast bios.

Final thought: A teen queen's immortal debut. Sinfully sexy, but not too fleshy. Recommended.

For DVD Talk star rankings and purchasing info, click here.




Also reviewed: Hide and Seek (Recommended), Freejack (Recommended) and Lucinda's Spell (Rent it)

Coming soon: Pumpkinhead, Showgirl Stories, Swamp Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2


COLLECTOR SERIES
Blood Feast: Special Edition, Night of the Living Dead: Special Collector's Edition

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
The 4th Floor: Special Edition, Communion: Special Collector's Edition, Dance With The Devil, Divine Trash, From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter, The Gore Gore Girls: Special Edition, Piranha: Special Edition, Razor Blade Smile: Special Edition, Shaft in Africa, Showgirls, They Live

RECOMMENDED
The Blood Spattered Bride, Caracara, The Crush, Deep Red, Eaten Alive (Elite Version), Four Sided Triangle, Freejack, The Hidden: Special Edition, Hide and Seek, Inferno, I Was A Teenage Zombie, Mercy, Oxygen: Special Edition, Shaft's Big Score!, Shakes the Clown, Shock, Stealth Fighter, Torso, Two Moon Junction, The Vampire Happening, Where the Buffalo Roam, The Wizard of Gore: Special Edition

RENT IT
Autopsy, Blood, Guts, Bullets & Octane, The Highwayman: Special Edition, The Hitcher, The Killing Hour: Special Edition, Lucinda's Spell, Lured Innocence: Special Edition, Possession: Special Edition, The Wrecking Crew: Special Edition


G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.

[This message has been edited by noelgross (edited August 16, 2000).]
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Old 08-16-00, 10:27 PM   #2
Peep
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How come you have the word 'breasts' in the title of your review when you say the movie has 'no breasts'?!?

False advertising!!
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Old 08-16-00, 11:49 PM   #3
G. Noel Gross
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Blood, Breasts and Beasts are the "3 Bs" ... and all of my reviews for DVD Talk are B-movies, or genre films. Hence the moniker. Sorry to confuse you there, Peep.

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MY DVD TALK REVIEWS: Blood, Breasts and Beasts
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Old 08-17-00, 05:17 AM   #4
jonathan.e
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"Fireplace-poker fu"

Been waiting for that one. If only someone would get around to doing "rattan basket fu", that’s my favorite.

GNG, I can’t believe you gave Freejack a recommended and The Hitcher only gets a "rent it". The criteria for rating must work inversely depending on how excrutiatingly awful the movie is. Apart from these infrequent (but severe) lapses of judgment, keep up the good work!

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Old 08-17-00, 12:45 PM   #5
G. Noel Gross
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My rating of The Hitcher is the most controversial ... despite the fact I raved about it, and gave it 3 of 5 stars. The reason it's a "Rent It" is because of the poor quality of the transfer, not the flick. Freejack is only a 2 star flick, well produced.

I generally don't tell people to "Skip It." And 4 and especially 5 star ratings don't arrive that often.

Thanks for the input. I share your enthusiasm for The Hitcher, we just got stuck with a crummy disc.

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MY DVD LIBRARY: A study in addiction
MY DVD TALK REVIEWS: Blood, Breasts and Beasts
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Old 08-18-00, 06:24 PM   #6
Jeremy517
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I'm sorry, but anyone who gave Showgirls 4 stars out of 5 has no credibility with me. Thanks for the effort though.
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Old 08-19-00, 01:34 AM   #7
TdHtXs
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One reason I did not like "The Crush", no tits!

it's been years since I've seen it.

Jonathan


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Old 08-19-00, 03:07 PM   #8
louiseb
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quote:
Originally posted by juiio:
I'm sorry, but anyone who gave Showgirls 4 stars out of 5 has no credibility with me. Thanks for the effort though.


juiio you have to be a "B" movie fan to enjoy these films in the manner that Noel reviews them. He is not saying these are high brow academy material, just good low brow fun with the right mind frame.

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Old 08-19-00, 03:24 PM   #9
G. Noel Gross
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louiseb, thanks buddy, your check is in the mail.
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