If LOTR was written by someone else?

[Tuan Jim]

Just found this link on another site. Only read the first page so far, but most of these are REALLY good.

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...0&pagenumber=1

Tuan Jim

[Jackskeleton]

Frankly, I always find the questions such as "What if ____ was directed by someone else" or "what if ____ was written by someone else" to be pretty pointless.

I mean it is the creator who creates the story. But regardless, this is interesting concept. I enjoyed these:

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."

-excerpt from Dr. Suess's FOTR.

and man, a big smile fell on my face when I read this one:

We were 20 steps from the exit when the giant flaming Balrons first appeared over our heads. These weren't your normal giant flaming Balrons but some sort of interdimensional Maia that would sit and spin in mid air before dissolving before your very eyes and sneaking up behind you. Gandalf had the pipe and I had the ring which, so far, I had been able to resist trading to the local drug lords for another package of white. Gandalf was shouting random Macrohydration spells while simultaneously trying to not trip over his robes and fall face first into the local pools of goo. Legolas took another drink from his flask and, once again, began explaining how elves were different than humans and much, much mellower.
- Hunter S. Thompson

[Tuan Jim]

The Hunter S. Thompson one was really good, and there are a number of other really good ones too. Just a funny idea -- taking a writers style and fitting it to LoTR. Not the whole "What if" idea, but just a matter of style.

Tuan Jim

[Jeffreyw]

LOTR is the father of trilogy kind of novel.

[TheMadMonk]

LOTR is the father of trilogy kind of novel.

[RayChuang]

I've read that entire message thread.

The CNN Report and EverQuest versions made me laugh out so loud I woke my parents up.

[Amator]

People were always asking me, did I know Gollum.

"AAAIEEE!"

With a crazed and deformed Stoor clenching his jaw on your finger, you only speak in vowels.

With my finger, I can feel the half-chewed fish stuck behind his tongue. I totally forgot about the whole Ring destruction thing for a second and I wondered how clean his teeth were.

The cave we're standing in won't be here in three minutes. You take an ancient evil Ring of Power and add a 98-percent concentration of flaming lava. Explosion. I know this because Sauron knows this.

This is our world now. Two minutes.

Two minutes to go and I'm wondering how I got here...

Fade to a support group: "Remaining Hobbits Together."

--Openning of Chuck Pahlaniuk's LoTR