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J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

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J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Old 03-29-10, 12:23 PM
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J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

This month, "Battlefield Earth," the blockbuster bomb based on the novel by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, won the Razzie for "Worst Movie of the Decade." J.D. Shapiro, the film's first screenwriter, accepted the award in person. Shapiro, who also wrote the screenplay for "Robin Hood: Men in Tights," "We Married Margo," and is developing a King Arthur spoof called "524 AD" (524AD.com), explains what it's like to be attached to one of Hollywood's most notorious flops.



I penned the suckiest movie ever - sorry!

by J.D. Shapiro, 3/28/10:

Let me start by apologizing to anyone who went to see "Battlefield Earth."

It wasn't as I intended -- promise. No one sets out to make a train wreck. Actually, comparing it to a train wreck isn't really fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those.

It started, as so many of my choices do, with my Willy Wonker.

It was 1994, and I had read an article in Premiere magazine saying that the Celebrity Center, the Scientology epicenter in Los Angeles, was a great place to meet women.

Willy convinced me to go check it out. Touring the building, I didn't find any eligible women at first, but I did meet Karen Hollander, president of the center, who said she was a fan of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights." We ended up talking for over two hours. She told me why Scientology is so great. I told her that, when it comes to organized religion, anything a person does to reward, threaten and try to control people by using an unknown like the afterlife is dangerous.

Nonetheless, Karen called me a few days later asking if I'd be interested in turning any of L. Ron Hubbard's books into movies. Eventually, I had dinner with John Travolta, his wife Kelly Preston, Karen -- about 10 Scientologists in all. John asked me, "So, J.D., what brought you to Scientology?"

I told him. John smiled and replied, "We have tech that can help you handle that." I don't know if he meant they had technology that would help me get laid or technology that would stop Willy from doing the majority of my thinking.

I researched Scientology before signing on to the movie, to make sure I wasn't making anything that would indoctrinate people. I took a few courses, including the Purification Rundown, or Purif. You go to CC every day, take vitamins and go in and out of a sauna so toxins are released from your body. You're supposed to reach an "End Point." I never did, but I was bored so I told them I had a vision of L. Ron. They said, "What did he say?" "Pull my finger," was my response. They said I was done.

During my Scientology research, I met an employee who I instantly had a crush on. She was kind of a priestess, and had dedicated her life to working for the church by becoming a Sea Org member. She said that she signed a billion-year contract. I said, "What! Really?" She said she got paid a small stipend of $50 a week, to which I said, "Can you get an advance on the billion years, like say, a mere $500,000?" And then she said as a Sea Org member, you can't have sex unless you're married. I asked her if she was married. She said yes. So I said, "Great! That means we can have sex!"

As far as I know, I am the only non-Scientologist to ever be on their cruise ship, the Freewind. I was a bit of an oddity, walking around in a robe, sandals, smoking Cuban cigars and drinking fine scotch (Scientologists are not allowed to drink while taking courses). I also got one of the best massages ever. My friends asked if I got a "happy ending." I said, "Yes, I got off the ship."

But if you're reading this to get the dirt on Scientology, sorry, no one ever tried to force me to do anything.

Even after all the "trouble" I'd gotten into, people at the church liked me, so I read "Battlefield Earth" and agreed to come up with a pitch to take to studios.

I met with Mike Marcus, the president of MGM, and pitched him my take. He loved it, and the next day negotiations went under way. A few days after I finished the script, a very excited Travolta called, told me he "loved it," and wanted to have dinner. At dinner, John said again how much he loved the script and called it "The 'Schindler's List' of sci-fi."

My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn't have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs.

Shortly after that, John officially attached himself to the project. Then several A-list directors expressed interest in making the movie, MGM had a budget of $100 million, and life was grrrrreat! I got studio notes that were typical studio notes. Nothing too crazy. I incorporated the notes I felt worked, blew off the bad ones and did a polish. I sent it to the studio, thinking the next I'd hear is what director is attached.

Then I got another batch of notes. I thought it was a joke. They changed the entire tone. I knew these notes would kill the movie. The notes wanted me to lose key scenes, add ridiculous scenes, take out some of the key characters. I asked Mike where they came from. He said, "From us." But when I pressed him, he said, "From John's camp, but we agree with them."

I refused to incorporate the notes into the script and was fired.

I HAVE no idea why they wanted to go in this new direction, but here's what I heard from someone in John's camp: Out of all the books L. Ron wrote, this was the one the church founder wanted most to become a movie. He wrote extensive notes on how the movie should be made.

Many people called it a Scientology movie. It wasn't when I wrote it, and I don't feel it was in the final product. Yes, writers put their beliefs into a story. Sometimes it's subtle (I guess L. Ron had something against the color purple, I have no idea why), sometimes not so subtle (L. Ron hated psychiatry and psychologists, thus the reason, and I'm just guessing here, that the bad aliens were called "Psychlos").

The only time I saw the movie was at the premiere, which was one too many times.

Once it was decided that I would share a writing credit, I wanted to use my pseudonym, Sir Nick Knack. I was told I couldn't do that, because if a writer gets paid over a certain amount of money, they can't. I could have taken my name completely off the movie, but my agent and attorney talked me out of it. There was a lot of money at stake.

Now, looking back at the movie with fresh eyes, I can't help but be strangely proud of it. Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest.

In the end, did Scientology get me laid? What do you think? No way do you get any action by boldly going up to a woman and proclaiming, "I wrote Battlefield Earth!" If anything, I'm trying to figure out a way to bottle it and use it as birth control. I'll make a mint!

Last edited by The Infidel; 03-29-10 at 02:14 PM.
Old 03-29-10, 02:04 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

"What did he say?"

"Pull my finger."




He sounds pretty cool, plus he wrote the screenplay for "Men in Tights".
Old 03-29-10, 02:10 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Lmao.
Old 03-29-10, 02:27 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

I wanna party with that dude.
Old 03-29-10, 02:37 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Geezus, he should write and adventure on the making of Battlefield and turn that into a movie. It would be epic! He's got a great sense of humor
Old 03-29-10, 02:54 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Is there a link to the original essay?
Old 03-29-10, 03:08 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Pretty funny stuff. They should have stuck with his original script.
Old 03-29-10, 03:19 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Brilliant. Now will go home and watch Men in Tights. The movie. Seriously.
Old 03-29-10, 08:21 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Originally Posted by J.D. Shapiro
"What did he say?"

"Pull my finger."
Epic.
Old 03-29-10, 08:52 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Originally Posted by Suprmallet
Is there a link to the original essay?
From the New York Post

http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainmen...Jmfpw80Xc7aO/0
Old 03-29-10, 08:59 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

that's a pretty good read.
Old 03-29-10, 09:14 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Originally Posted by The Infidel
And then she said as a Sea Org member, you can't have sex unless you're married. I asked her if she was married. She said yes. So I said, "Great! That means we can have sex!"
Old 03-29-10, 09:57 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Originally Posted by LosingMyMind
Thanks! That whole thing is completely brilliant. Someone should give that guy a job writing something.
Old 03-29-10, 11:15 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

They should give the guy a TV Series on HBO, could see it being a nice pairing with Entourage and Curb. Of course, his career high mark is Men in Tights

Last edited by RichC2; 03-29-10 at 11:26 PM.
Old 03-29-10, 11:53 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Hey, I'd love to have a career high mark like Men In Tights. That movie is brilliant.
Old 03-30-10, 12:01 AM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

He got to work with Mel Brooks. If that isn't a comedy writer's high point, I don't know what is.
Old 03-30-10, 02:45 AM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Wow. He's awesome. I would love it if he wrote a comedy starring someone like Robert Downey, Jr. That essay has a Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang vibe to it.

And I'd love to read his original Battlefield Earth script.
Old 03-30-10, 08:39 AM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

What an egotist.

Battlefield Earth doesn't suck near as much Manos: The Hands of Fate and Robot Monster.
Old 03-30-10, 09:43 AM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Ah, but Manos and Robot Monster have the excuse of tiny budgets. If you can still make a crappy movie when you can afford to hire people with talent, you've accomplished something.
Old 03-30-10, 02:30 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

Originally Posted by Sean O'Hara
What an egotist.

Battlefield Earth doesn't suck near as much Manos: The Hands of Fate and Robot Monster.
...or Birdemic, or The Room.

But to be fair, he WAS given and award for worst movie of the last decade, not all time.
Old 03-30-10, 03:31 PM
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Re: J.D. Shapiro apologizes for "Battlefield Earth"

He still doesn't say his script was bad though. What does he have to apologize for if his contribution was of quality?

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