DVD Josh

http://quigs.blogspot.com/2007/10/6-...ies-youll.html

When it comes to B-level movie actors, Bruce Campbell is not the reigning champ. You see, with his godly chin and unsurpassed smartass mentality, he's much too awe-inspiring a figure to be categorized by mere levels and letters.

Of course, most people haven't yet discovered his greatness, the reason for which can be attributed solely to the blithering idiots in Hollywood suffering from the inability to remove their heads from their anuses. Because of this, we may never see the films that would ensure Bruce "The Chin" Campbell's place as the be-all and end-all cinema badass. These are those films.


6. THE EVIL DEAD Remake


"Evil Dead 2" was pretty much a remake of the first "Evil Dead" anyway. Why do we need another one?

Fuck you, that's why.

I'm not a big fan of all these remakes lately, but if there's one movie I wouldn't mind them redoing, it's "The Evil Dead." Imagine getting to see the origin of Ash, but with an actual budget and better costars. Imagine going to the theater and watching the cult classic we all love, but with an audience that has no idea what they're in for. Imagine the studios backing a movie featuring 'tree rape,' and the sequence actually getting past the censors. Well, stop imagining, because it's not gonna happen. And if it ever does, it will never be remade in the dementedly twisted way it deserves to be.

Potential awesomeness: 7 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 4 out of 10 chins



5. SPIDER-MAN 4


The rumor that Bruce Campbell would play the next Spidey villain, Mysterio, started with "Spider-Man 3." Word on the street was it would just be a cameo, and that he'd be expanded in the next film as a central foe.

The cameo never happened.

What does that mean for Mysterio in the next Spider-Man film? Nobody knows for sure. But with comments that Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and others may not even be returning for another outing, and that the studios may just reboot the franchise instead, it's all a little disheartening. If there's one person who would let Campbell do his thing, it's Raimi. Now, we may never get to see that happen.

Potential awesomeness: 7 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening (with Bruce): 3 out of 10 chins



4. MY NAME IS BRUCE


To be fair, you will eventually get the chance to see this movie (since it's already been made). You won't, however, get to see the movie it should've been.

The premise is genius: after being mistaken for his character Ash from the "Evil Dead" trilogy, actor Bruce Campbell finds him forced to fight real monsters in a small Oregon town. Anybody who doesn't get chills from reading that synopsis is not a real B-movie fan.

Now then, here's why it will sadly disappoint:

* It's directed by Bruce Campbell. I may love the actor, but anybody who's seen "Man with the Screaming Brain" would agree his directorial skills leave something to be desired. There's only one man who should be directing this film, and that's Sam Raimi.
* The budget is only $1.5 million. Budget may not mean everything ("The Evil Dead" only cost $350,000), but Campbell had a $2 million price tag on "Man with the Screaming Brain" and the thing looked like it cost no more than 20 bucks and some pocket lint.
* No studio has picked it up. This means we can expect a straight-to-DVD release, which is certainly not a sign of high quality. Then again, "Idiocracy" went straight-to-DVD, too. Hmm.
* Early reviews have not been flattering. For the most part, word of mouth has been positive, but it's more along the lines of, "Yeah, it's a pretty fun movie." And to be honest, I want more than just a "pretty fun" movie.


I'm crossing my fingers anyway though. As a loyal Bruce Campbell fan, I'll still be buying the film. Even if it sucks.

Potential awesomeness (if it had been made the way it should've been): 9 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 10 out of 10 chins



3. BUBBA NOSFERATU AND THE CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES


This one really stings. As it turns out, the movie's still happening... just not with Bruce. Due to "creative differences" between Campbell and director Don Coscarelli (wait, it's not the studio's fault this time?), he has dropped from the production, and Coscarelli is looking for a replacement. Well, fuck that! If Campbell's not going to be Elvis, I don't even care anymore. I'd rather they didn't even make the damn thing.

What sucks even more about this is that Paul Giamatti was going to costar as Campbell's evil boss. Plus, the film's set in Vegas, and it's got she-vampires. Fuckin' she-vampires! How could you possibly have creative differences when your movie's got Elvis duking it out with she-vampires?

Potential awesomeness: 8 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening (with Bruce): 1 out of 10 chins



2. FREDDY VS. JASON VS. ASH


This was more of a fanboy dream than a real possibility to begin with, but c'mon! Think of the potential!

Freddy can enter and kill you in your dreams, has metal-clawed leather gloves, and wears a bitchin' fedora. Jason is a lumbering, unstoppable killing machine with one huge-ass machete. But Ash? He's the king, baby. He's got class. He's got style. He's got a chainsaw for a hand, a boomstick on his back, and snappy one-liners galore. Freddy and Jason are mere bitches in comparison.

If this movie got made, the only possible way to fuck it up would be to have Bruce wearing a tutu while Freddy and Jason got their nails done at a beauty parlor or something. Short of that, nothing could make this movie suck... if it ever got made, that is. Which it won't.

Now excuse me while I go cry.

Potential awesomeness: 10 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 0 out of 10 chins



1. EVIL DEAD 4


Fuck it, I don't need another remake. I just need more Ash. For the love of god, give me another adventure with Ash! Sam Raimi proved he's still got what it takes to make gloriously schlocky horror movie camp with that hospital scene in "Spider-Man 2," so now all he needs to do is focus that energy into one last outing with Bruce, and all will be well in the world.

Please. Do it for me. Do it for the people who continue to go to late night showings of the original trilogy. Do it for the people who went to the Bruce Campbell book signing of "If Chins Could Kill," and wasted money on "Man with the Screaming Brain." Do it for the people who bought every single fucking edition of the "Evil Dead" films that the studios continue to churn out (and for the suckers who will even buy the upcoming 3-Disc Ultimate Edition, like me).

Please. Do it for all of us.

Potential awesomeness: 9 out of 10 chainsaws

Odds of it happening: 5 out of 10 chins



BONUS PICK - DARKMAN


This flick hit theaters almost 20 years back, and quite frankly, was pretty damn awesome. Only one problem: where was Bruce? He actually does appear toward the end of the film in a very minor role, but he was originally supposed to be Darkman! Liam Neeson is a great actor and all, and he did solid work in the role, but every time I watch this film I can't help but wonder how much cooler it would've been had The Chin been in the starring role. (You can once again blame the studio for that one, by the way. They didn't think Campbell could carry the role, and said his name wasn't marketable enough. Bunch of douchebags.)

slop101

I loves me some Bruce, but my god, what a horrible little article. Sounds like some 13-year old trying to be funny after learning how to curse.

islandclaws

Yea, completely retarded. I don't need (or want) to see an Evil Dead remake, FvJvA or Spidey 4 (after Spidey 3) for that matter. I might have been down for ED4... 10 years ago. I don't think they could pull off a new entry this late in the game. And with Bruce looking pretty, uh... soft and bloated. I love me some Bruce, but he's also loved for the exact reason he's not a major player, because he lurks in the shadows and kicks ass.

DeputyDave

The only thing on this list that really pisses me off is BUBBA NOSFERATU without Bruce.

DigitalArtery

That's possibly one of the dumbest things I've ever read.

Ash is not some super hero or anything else, he is a normal person (if you ignore the fact that he was able to build a mechanical hand in AOD) that gets stuck in a horrible situation, which is what made him one of the best anti-heros.

His origin...So basically what, we watch Ash get born and go to school until he goes up to the cabin?

argh923

I wasn't aware that there was a good one at all.

nateman

Bubba Nosferatu is the only one I’m disappointed that he’s not going to be in. Also, I agree that this is a terrible article.

BrentLW

I guess you haven't read any of the Army Of Darkness comic. They gave hiis origin as the chosen one in a story arc.

Also Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash should be coming out in a few weeks in comic book form

MasterofDVD

Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash is the one I think I would enjoy the most and watch the most often if it ever saw the light of day. The script online years ago seemed pretty cool even if it was cheesy. It'll never happen and frankly I don't even care if the rest happen and I am a pretty big fan of Bruce.

mndtrp

Bruce is cool when he pops up in random places. Most of these films sound terrible, with the exception of what Bubba Nosferatu should have been.

Jackskeleton

This blog writer is the reason why blogs should not exist. Any dumb fuck with a keyboard thinks they are gods gift to writing and being witty.

This "article" is total shit.

Yeah. That Liam Neeson guy is alright, I guess. What with actually having a career and all, you know.

I love Bruce as much as the next guy. Trust me, I do. But this article is just so full of shit it makes me feel like punching the writer in the face over and over again.

rexinnih

We need more Bruce!

tylergfoster

I didn't think the article was outright shitty, but it is pretty mediocre. And it is definitely too bad that Bruce isn't doing Bubba Nosferatu. I wonder what kind of creative differences led him to bail...

Hurry up with My Name is Bruce already!

Jay G.

If blogs didn't exits, he'd be posting to a web forum like this, to usenet, a mailing list, or just posting to a personal webpage.

Personally, I don't think that blog's shouldn't exist just because 90% of them are crap. If every form of expression that produces 90% crap was eliminated, I don't think we'd have any forms of expression left.

He actually said that Neeson was a great actor, and did a solid job in the role. He's just expressing the opinion that he'd have liked to have seen Bruce in the role, as he was originally intended to be. And I don't see how big of a career an actor has should affect a fan's preference for a movie.

I really don't agree with much of what the article says either (too many sequels/remakes), but if you feel like punching someone in the face for merely writing a mediocre post on his personal blog that you didn't have to read, then you have some real anger management issues.

The Antipodean

Don't read my sig, I'm afraid you'll hunt me down and beat me to death with my torn-off limbs...

Charlie Goose

Wait a day or two, because I'd like to throw sulfuric acid in his face, and I don't want you to burn your hand.

GuessWho

The Spider-man movies are the only places I have seen Bruce.

Well, not including the Old Spice commercial.

groovrbaby

Just give me season two of Burn Notice sooner than next summer!

And I have to agree, in that Bruce Campbell popping up randomly in movies/tv/etc. is ALWAYS a treat. We don't get much of him, but I'll be damned if things like the Old Spice commercial or Bubba Ho-Tep don't get me amped. It may be a pipe dream, but I'd really like to see him turn up in other fanboy-ish type roles, working with Joss Whedon or JJ Abrams to introduce The Chin to a younger crowd.

DigitalArtery

Of course I didn't read the comic, comic books are for nerds. (just kidding)

I knew there was an Ash or Army of Darkness vs. Re-Animator but I didn't know about the Freddy/Jason thing aswell. Maybe I'll have to start reading comics...

Legolas

Bruce getting the lead in Darkman might've been better for Bruce in the long run. Darkman didn't exactly do anything for Neeson's career (does he even talk about it?) and he'd still be where he is today without it. But maybe the lead role in a big studio film might've opened the door more for Bruce to get better roles in better movies.

But at least Bruce isn't making Navy of Darkness, The Da Vinci Secret and Snakes on a Boat for The Asylum.

The Man with the Golden Doujinshi

It was called Snakes on a Train

tylergfoster

Also Bruce starring in The Phantom instead of Billy Zane, a bit documented in his book, could have been big for him.

majorjoe23

Would it? It's not like The Phantom set Billy Zane's career on fire.

UAIOE

I could see Bruce in "The Phantom". It has that silly b-movie vibe going for it that seems perfect for Bruce.

tylergfoster

Had Bruce been in it, I'd have watched all of it as opposed to two minutes of it. So Bruce already has one more viewer in the theoretical alternate universe in which he starred in the movie than Billy Zane does. Multiply that by the number of people who like Bruce Campbell.