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View Full Version : Married Men: Ever had a crush?


Tommy_Harn
11-16-06, 12:35 PM
So, I guess I'm kind of dealing with a tough situation (I was going to go the whole "my friend is having a hard time with . . . " route, but that seemed pretty lame). I've been married for over three years to a great woman, and the fact that I am waivering at all is pretty much ridiculous. Although we don't see eye-to-eye from time to time, I can admit that 90% of the time we argue it is probably mostly my fault. To make a long story short, she is just about everything you'd want in a wife. To me its pretty clear that I would be absolutely insane to fuck this up.

That being said, I met a girl a few weeks ago. My job requires me to be out in the community for part of my day, trying to build relationships with professionals with the ultimate goal of securing referrals from them. So anyways, I ended up meeting with this woman in her office for about a half an hour. While she seemed very nice (and attractive), we pretty much just talked business, and I didn't think much of it. At the end, we scheduled a time for the following week for her to come to my office for me to show her around and talk more about our services, etc.

At our second meeting, we had a longer, more detailed conversation. While much of the discussion was again business related, we spoke more about our backgrounds, where we went to school, schedules, stuff like that. I did not tell her that I was married (though I was wearing my wedding ring), and she didn't discuss her situation either. However, I noticed one of those heart rings that indicates whether a chick is single or not, and she seemed available.

We just seemed to really click very well, lots of eye contact, smiles, easy conversation. Nothing physical took place, save a couple of handshakes. If I were single, there is no way I would have let her leave without asking her out. And, unless she was just being nice, I think she would have said yes. But alas, she left, and that is the last time I spoke to or have contacted her.

The problem is, ever since I've had a very difficult time getting her off my mind. Although something like this has never happened to me before, I understand that a "crush" like this is pretty common. But its now been close to a month, and I'm starting to worry. I feel both very guilty and slightly mental about having these feelings for someone I barely know when I have a great wife at home. To make matters worse, I'm sure it is starting to affect my home life.

So, I guess I'm looking for advice on how to get my shit together. Unless I initiate contact with this other girl, its plausible that months could go by without seeing her. But would that be a good thing? If I saw her, it might dawn on me that she isn't this perfect vision of a woman that I have in my head. Or even better, maybe I'll find out she's into chicks, thus making me realize that I completely mis-read the situation. Or, and this is what scares me, is this crush just a symptom of what could be a bigger problem with my relationship? I don't expect anybody to know just from an Internet post, but maybe you people can start talking some sense into me.

Minor Threat
11-16-06, 12:37 PM
I for one am looking forward to the bump of this thread in a month or so to see what happens.....

Minor Threat
11-16-06, 12:39 PM
To make matters worse, I'm sure it is starting to affect my home life.


I'd like a little more detail here.....how?

jonw9
11-16-06, 12:39 PM
"Hey sweetie, how are youuu?

http://www.southpark.dsl.pipex.com/images/epiimgs/epi714/714-3.jpg


I would not read too much into this. You are a man, you will be attracted to women, nothing you can do about that. Go visit some other clients, become attracted to one of those and forget this one. It is the circle of life.

GoVegan
11-16-06, 12:48 PM
You don't need to see her again to find out that she's not perfect. You already know: she's not perfect. You DO need to see her again in order to do something you'll regret. Don't arrange a meeting with her. If you do, however, be sure to post all the terrible details here.

kaze0
11-16-06, 12:50 PM
Explain the heart rings.

Numanoid
11-16-06, 12:50 PM
Haven't you people ever heard of threeways?

Save Ferris
11-16-06, 12:53 PM
ruin your chances with this woman so that you wont screw up your marraige.

Photoshop her face on to some nude models and show her

Minor Threat
11-16-06, 12:53 PM
Haven't you people ever heard of threeways?


http://home.comcast.net/~j.walkup/applesauce.gif

digitalfreaknyc
11-16-06, 12:56 PM
I for one am looking forward to the bump of this thread in a month or so to see what happens.....

I for one am looking forward to some honest advice on this one.

Oh I forgot...it's dvdtalk ;)

btw...how long were you dating before you were married?

Breakfast with Girls
11-16-06, 12:58 PM
There's nothing wrong with you. You're only obsessing about it because you know you're obsessing about it. In other words, you're obsessing about the fact that you're obsessing. Go out on a date with your wife, focus on her, and remind yourself why you love her--that's the fastest way to erase any thoughts about someone else.

4KRG
11-16-06, 01:00 PM
I think by 'crush' you mean lust after some forbidden hottie just becasue she is hot and you know you can't have her.

If you really mean crush, then you should not have gotten married, you are too immature.

But to lust after some fine piece of ass is ok ;)

Tommy_Harn
11-16-06, 01:04 PM
I'd like a little more detail here.....how?

Not to overstate things, but I have been sort of space cadet recently. I've been super busy at work, so that might also be contributing to me not being quite as available at home.

crazyronin
11-16-06, 01:12 PM
Married Men: Ever had a crush?

Every Goddamn day.

Minor Threat
11-16-06, 01:13 PM
You need to take your wife out on a real date and hook-up again.....

Pointyskull
11-16-06, 01:16 PM
You need to take your wife out on a real date and hook-up again.....

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Brian Shannon
11-16-06, 01:17 PM
Married Men: Ever had a crush?

No never, oh wait . . .

http://www.kipaddotta.com/images/catherine-zeta-jones.jpg

exm
11-16-06, 02:38 PM
Either go for it, with a 75%-100% chance of breaking up your marriage or (re)focus on your wife. And as you described your opinion of your wife, it seems like a no-brainer to me.

Having fantasies is fine, but don't act on it.

Maxwell Smart
11-16-06, 02:56 PM
I say do her. It could help u seal that contract.

Flashback
11-16-06, 03:01 PM
How old are you?

Next, if you were not married but seriousely dating your wife, would you break up with her and go after this girl?

Do you have children (not sure if you said that yet)?

I think it's more that you just met a woman that you are attracted to and you need to let it go or learn to seperate the two. I think all you need to do is step back and seriousely look at what you have and what the 'green grass' really is...or get your finances in order.

Giles
11-16-06, 03:03 PM
do I have a crush on married men....yes... yes, I do :D

Pistol Pete
11-16-06, 03:09 PM
Don't beat yourself up about it. Accept that you are male and will be attracted to lots of women. Then let the other woman go.

Do not initiate any sort of contact with this woman. Even if you were single attempting to date a business contact is really poor behavior.

Focus on your wife. Go out and have fun with her. You know her better than any woman you randomly encounter. Other women have just as many or more faults. You just don't know them yet.

Even if you don't feel loving towards your wife at that moment, act the part and the feeling will follow.

Never, ever admit these thoughts to your wife as some sort of brutal honesty bullshit. She deserves to have trust and faith in you, without wondering if you're thinking about someone else. At least give her that.

bhk
11-16-06, 03:17 PM
The crush doesn't become a serious problem until you act on it.

Don't act on it. Have some respect for yourself and more importantly for your wife.

Shoveler
11-16-06, 03:26 PM
...I've been married for over three years to a great woman, and the fact that I am waivering at all is pretty much ridiculous. Although we don't see eye-to-eye from time to time, I can admit that 90% of the time we argue it is probably mostly my fault. To make a long story short, she is just about everything you'd want in a wife. To me its pretty clear that I would be absolutely insane to fuck this up.

That being said...

I kept the parts of your original post that I think are important. :)

First off, I'm not a therapist or a counselor by any means, just an otter, but you asked for our input and advice, so here goes (just take it with a healthy grain of salt)...

The statements that I quoted above make me think that you're starting to lean toward wondering whether you made a mistake when you got married. It doesn't sound like you think you married the wrong woman, but it does kind of sound like you aren't so sure whether you want to be married. You talk about how great your wife is, how you are responsible for 90% of your arguments, and how you'd have to be insane to even consider screwing it up. You then proceed to tell us how you're considering screwing it up.

Men are men. Men are attracted to women. If the goal of marriage was to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, then there would be exactly one married man, and his name would be Danny DeVito (sorry, just trying to inject a little marital humor here :) ). But seriously, there would be one married man, and the rest of us would be envying him.

My wife is beautiful, but she is not the most beautiful woman in the world. From time to time (not TOO often), I encounter women who are more attractive than my wife. I window shop, read the specs, browse their inventory, check out their accessories, whatever you want to call it. My wife knows this, and often teases me about it. One such woman is Stacy Keibler. I find her incredible.

But marriage isn't about getting the best, most beautiful woman you know, and then trading up if you find a better one. Marriage is about choice and commitment. It isn't all about love and happiness, it is also about work and effort and devotion.

IMO, your situation with your wife are two separate (but obviously somewhat related) situations. Forget about this crush for now. Focus on your marriage and your wife. Do you want to remain in a marital relationship with this woman? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Do you love her enough to forgive her when she starts arguments, and enough to ask for her forgiveness when you start arguments? Do you want to love her, or do you just feel like you should because she's your wife?

Focus on that and answer those questions before you try to decide whether you should pursue this other woman. If you decide to remain in your marriage, then you don't really have much choice with the other woman. But if you want to pursue the other woman, then surely you must realize you will have very little chance of building a successful relationship with her while you are married.

IMO, there is no reason to worry about a lingering "crush". Hell, there was a local newscaster that I had a crush on, and my wife knew about it, so she used a friend with connections and got the newscaster to call me at work for an interview about my job. She knew I would never act out on the crush, and she was right. Because I choose my marriage every single time I see a woman I'm attracted to, and I'm always happy with that choice. And my wife does the same thing, and we might not be the most attractive couple around, but we're strong and happy together, and I always know I've got at least one person on my team, and that counts for a lot. :)

Obviously I'm pretty pro-marriage, but if yours isn't right, I wouldn't argue that you should stay in it out of guilt or obligation. I'm just saying that you should do some thinking and make a clear decision about the marital relationship. Don't go looking for stupid mistakes you can make to create problems and give yourself an out.

Save Ferris
11-16-06, 03:28 PM
I say do her. It could help u seal that contract.

"The boss is REALLY riding me!!"

NotThatGuy
11-16-06, 06:34 PM
I'll keep it simple......

Often we seek out others when we lack something in our current situation/ relationships.

what about this woman gets your attention? And in turn, what is missing in your current situation?

If you can answer these questions, you'll see what you need.

-p

NCMojo
11-16-06, 08:23 PM
What concerns me is that you use the word "crush". See, men are men, and we get the hots for a dozen different women every day. But that's just lust -- we feel it, we recognize it, we jack off and it goes away. But if you keep thinking about this girl...

Here's my take: you've been married for three years. The newness is over, the honeymoon phase has worn off, and now you're settling in to that comfort zone of familiarity -- and there's a struggle as you move to this new place, as the two of you really learn to adjust.

It's natural to miss that passionate "in-love" feeling -- the butterflies, the nervous glances, the mysterious unknown, that magical first kiss. And so you meet this girl, and you feel that spark, and all of the old mechanisms click in place.

But you don't really know this girl. You've met her twice. If you spent some more time with this girl, you'd discover that, while she's really great, she's not all that -- maybe she's not as smart as you thought. Maybe she's kind of flaky. Maybe she's got really bad breath. Who knows? But she's almost certainly not "the one", and she's not going to replace your wife.

Straighten up and spend some more quality time with your wife.

kantonburg
11-16-06, 08:38 PM
"There's only so many green M&Ms a man can take before he says, fuck I just want a red one!"

FantasticVSDoom
11-16-06, 08:45 PM
Imo, the idea of "new p***y" is something that I think men struggle with...Been married 6-years to a great woman and I love her more than anything. But there are times that in my mind, I think "what would it be like just once with someone new?" But I dont act on it. There have been plenty of time where I could and I think your in this situation now. I think its normal, just need to try and re-connect with your wife to try and keep things as much as you can as fresh as possible.

EdTheRipper
11-16-06, 09:19 PM
The crush doesn't become a serious problem until you act on it.

Don't act on it. Have some respect for yourself and more importantly for your wife.

I agree 100%. Right now, I have a major crush on one of my wife's co-workers/friends. No matter how intense it may feel at times, I'd never act on it and risk the relationship I have with my wife.

matta
11-16-06, 09:21 PM
And

File -> Save as...

This thread will make for some good blackmail in the future.

Bushdog
11-16-06, 09:41 PM
You don't need to see her again to find out that she's not perfect. You already know: she's not perfect. You DO need to see her again in order to do something you'll regret. Don't arrange a meeting with her. If you do, however, be sure to post all the terrible details here.
This is perfectly well put.

It seems human to notice someone else. And even feel a pull on your heart (or more likely, your loins ;) ). The part you control is whether you want to put your marriage at risk. At this point you are 100% knowingly jeopardizing your marriage if you make time to see this woman again.

Oh, and, I'm sure this chick sucks (not in a good way) just as much as your wife. Life can be a grind with anyone, if you let it. Use this situation to try to motivate you to work on your marriage.

...Time to read the rest of the thread.

Bushdog
11-16-06, 09:44 PM
What concerns me is that you use the word "crush". See, men are men, and we get the hots for a dozen different women every day. But that's just lust -- we feel it, we recognize it, we jack off and it goes away. But if you keep thinking about this girl...

:yack: Thanks for the imagery of you whackin' the weasel.

Bushdog
11-16-06, 09:48 PM
I'll keep it simple......

Often we seek out others when we lack something in our current situation/ relationships.

what about this woman gets your attention? And in turn, what is missing in your current situation?

If you can answer these questions, you'll see what you need.

-p
Doc, great advice, but I think he's just interested in a new piece of ass. Also, what he's missing from his current marriage is that it isn't new and exciting and he doesn't realize that when you're in a relationship for a while it can get stale if you let it and something on the outside seems exciting.

Nick Danger
11-16-06, 09:52 PM
Never, ever admit these thoughts to your wife as some sort of brutal honesty bullshit. She deserves to have trust and faith in you, without wondering if you're thinking about someone else. At least give her that.

:up: Confessing that sort of thing, if it's not how your relationship is built, is a nasty form of pain-shifting. You tell her because you feel guilty, you feel better. She feels worse.

I tell Mrs. Danger everything. She tells me everything. It works for us. Our relationship is built on that sort of honesty. I even point out cute boys to her. But if your relationship isn't built that way, this is not the time to start.

J-Dubya
11-17-06, 12:41 AM
just because a girl talks to you does not mean she wants to fuck . get your shit together. your wife deserves better than this if she is everything you want in a woman like you originally posted. don't mess this up. do you know how many guys would love to "have a great wife at home?" holy fuck, how dumb can you get?

Septemberbaby
11-17-06, 04:20 AM
I'll keep it simple......

Often we seek out others when we lack something in our current situation/ relationships.

what about this woman gets your attention? And in turn, what is missing in your current situation?

If you can answer these questions, you'll see what you need.
-p


This pretty much says it all...

Do yourself a favor and fix you first before you do something that can't be fixed.
And of course, there's always that "be careful what you wish for" analogy... You may think this new chick will rock your world... only to find out that she didn't, and then what are you left with?

But, all this isn't really about this girl.... it's about something else.
Find out what's missing in your life and marriage. If you come to the realization that this marriage is over, then so be it. But, at least end it with dignity and honor, not with cheating and lying.

Nesbit
11-17-06, 06:22 AM
Nope. The whole time I was married I never had a crush. Doesn't mean I didn't find women attractive or want some of them but never had the slightest feeling for one at all.

Venusian
11-17-06, 07:56 AM
and you probably shouldnt let your wife find this thread...

Groucho
11-17-06, 08:27 AM
The fact that you know about the "heart ring" thing is very telling. I'm a married man, never heard of that until this thread.

Tommy_Harn
11-17-06, 08:47 AM
The fact that you know about the "heart ring" thing is very telling. I'm a married man, never heard of that until this thread.

The reason I know about the ring is because my wife had one when I first met her. I noticed it because I don't think I've ever seen another girl wear one.

And as for going the blackmail route, I'll be happy to play the "someone stole my username and password" card if necessary :)

bigsoos
11-17-06, 08:58 AM
just look at the menu, but don't order anything

PrincessT
11-17-06, 09:03 AM
You made a vow. Remember what that means. Vow: a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment. You vowed to be with your wife for the rest of your life, forsaking all others. Did you lie to her, to the official, all the attendees and to God? Did you lie to yourself?

If you couldn't honor that vow, why did you make it?

NCMojo
11-17-06, 09:32 AM
If you couldn't honor that vow, why did you make it?
http://athinker.com/photoalbum/shotgun-wedding/image002.gif

matta
11-17-06, 09:36 AM
The fact that you know about the "heart ring" thing is very telling. I'm a married man, never heard of that until this thread.

What is the heart ring thing? I've never heard of this.

Septemberbaby
11-17-06, 09:52 AM
What is the heart ring thing? I've never heard of this.


TELL US WHAT THE HEART RING THING IS!!!!!!!


It's killing us!!

Tommy_Harn
11-17-06, 10:03 AM
What is the heart ring thing? I've never heard of this.

From Wikipedia:

The ring's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of friendship (the hands), loyalty (the crown) and love (the heart).

The way that a claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey some indication of the wearer's romantic availability. It is generally true that if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing away from the hand, indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship. A ring worn on the right hand, with the heart facing inward toward the hand indicates the person wearing the ring is in a serious relationship.

Additionally:

1. I should probably trade in my testicles for some female genetalia after finding and pasting the preceding information.

2. The fact that this thread has actually inspired a spin-off thread on adultery is both shocking and concerning. I honestly don't think I'm anywhere near having an affair, but maybe you guys know something that I don't.

3. Aside from possibly running into her somewhere, the only way for me to actually see her again in the near future would be to initiate contact. Again, I don't plan on doing that.

Minor Threat
11-17-06, 10:13 AM
Nope. The whole time I was married I never had a crush. Doesn't mean I didn't find women attractive or want some of them but never had the slightest feeling for one at all.


Lesbians give me the HAWT.....

Venusian
11-17-06, 12:19 PM
i'm single and have never heard of the ring thing.

VinVega
11-17-06, 12:48 PM
Think about how you would feel about one minute after the "I got laid feeling" wears off and you're lying in bed with this other chick and you realize you just really fucked something up and that something was your marriage. You think about that instead of how much fun it would be to bang this chick and you'll snap out of it. ;):up:

Flashback
11-17-06, 05:11 PM
Never heard back on how old you are.

Tommy_Harn
11-18-06, 09:22 AM
Never heard back on how old you are.

Late twenties.

slateef
11-18-06, 12:55 PM
really good advice by shoveler....take it to heart.

seriously...

SINGLE104
11-18-06, 04:32 PM
Well first of all, I became really bored reading the original post, but a summarized detailed description would have been more sufficient. Being a married man, you are in a committed relationship with your wife, no matter what your secretive innermost feelings towards this woman may be. If your contemplating developing an affair with with her, you are very much aware what your consequences will be. No one should have to tell you this... It's a no brainer.
And besides, if she noticed your wedding ring ( which I'm quite sure she did, but deliberately neglected to comment on it) she may not want to be romantically involved in you at all, only a business relationship because of your marital status, and she do not want to create problems in your marriage. Remember, some women do not date married men, and if they do, they are intentional homewreckers.

jadasion
01-26-07, 05:30 PM
bumpin for updates....?

Tommy_Harn
01-26-07, 10:48 PM
bumpin for updates....?

Most of you will be happy to hear that I've avoided any contact with this woman since prior to starting this thread. OK, that's a bit of a lie, as I did send out a holday card to her as a professional courtesy (I rec'd one from her a day later, FWIW). Without going into a lot of detail, our professional lives wouldn't really naturally collide all that much, as she deals with more low-income families than my business is able to cater to.

My thought is that perhaps her interest in me was piqued during our first meeting, but at some point during our second meeting she realized I was married and went on her way. Or perhaps (and probably more likely) she took the second meeting just so she could blow out of work a little early and had no real interest in me at all. Either way, neither of us have pursued the other, and we'll leave it at that.

jadasion
01-26-07, 11:58 PM
Most of you will be happy to hear that I've avoided any contact with this woman since prior to starting this thread. OK, that's a bit of a lie, as I did send out a holday card to her as a professional courtesy (I rec'd one from her a day later, FWIW). Without going into a lot of detail, our professional lives wouldn't really naturally collide all that much, as she deals with more low-income families than my business is able to cater to.

My thought is that perhaps her interest in me was piqued during our first meeting, but at some point during our second meeting she realized I was married and went on her way. Or perhaps (and probably more likely) she took the second meeting just so she could blow out of work a little early and had no real interest in me at all. Either way, neither of us have pursued the other, and we'll leave it at that.

good to hear you aren't pursuing that crush....wondering how your marriage life is going now...is it better?

Shazam
01-27-07, 12:21 AM
From Wikipedia:

The ring's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of friendship (the hands), loyalty (the crown) and love (the heart).

The way that a claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey some indication of the wearer's romantic availability. It is generally true that if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing away from the hand, indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship. A ring worn on the right hand, with the heart facing inward toward the hand indicates the person wearing the ring is in a serious relationship.What the fuck? Only a woman would make this so seriously confusing. Facing away? Towards? Why can't they just wear a god damned sign that says "I'M SINGLE!"

Sdallnct
01-27-07, 12:07 PM
Or perhaps (and probably more likely) she took the second meeting just so she could blow out of work a little early and had no real interest in me at all. Either way, neither of us have pursued the other, and we'll leave it at that.

This very well could be the case.

I read an article recently (don't remember where), but they had men and women talk in a casual setting. They then asked the men if they thought the women were attracted to them sexually simply based on the casual conversation. Of course, most men got it wrong every time. Evidently us guys think every women who says more then three sentences to us, must want us BAD!