Doctorwho

Actual written dialogue not critics commentary. Ill start:

Bottle Rocket:
Guy in bathroom: Hey, you're in the Army, yes?
Dignan: No, I just have short hair.

Rushmore:
Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer: Oh, are they?

Clerks:
Customer: Cute Cat whats his name?
Randal: Annoying Customer.

Mallrats:
Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".

Monty Python And The Holy Grail:
King Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

Big Labowski:
Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: 'Scuse me?
Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
The Dude: I was talking about my rug.
Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex?
The Dude: You mean coitus?

Swingers:
Mike: What the **** are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Sue: Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.
Trent: Anaheim.
Sue: Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.

Office Space:
Peter Gibbons: Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register!
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should! You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

High Fidelity:
Rob: What would you think if I told you that I havent seen evil dead 2 yet?

cruzness

Goldmember:
Scott Evil : No, I agree. Preperation H does feel good.....on the whole.

dcprules

American Beauty:
Lester Burnham: Don't worry, I wouldn't remember me either.

garolo

Goldmember: "I used to think that you were crazy. Now I can see your('re) nuts. Ah, thank you."

Animal Crackers: "Well, art is art isn't it? Still on the other hand water is water, east is east, and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. "

Jeraden

I guess you have to hear these lines in the context of the movie to think they are funny.

garolo

Absolutely correct. Unless it's a one-liner, any "funny" line from a script or movie will not usually be funny out of context. That said, almost everything that came out of Groucho Marx's mouth on film was funny in context and out, IMHO. But of course it helps to hear him say the lines. Delivery and timing make comedy, comedy.

mookiemeister

In Aliens:
almost every other line by Hudson is funny.

jayson1017

The Life of Brian:
the whole 'biggus dickus' scene

PalmerJoss

One of my favs:

"I fart in your general direction"--Monty Python/Holy Grail

raven56706

Ace Ventura-"if i am not out in 10 minutes, just wait longer."


Billy Madison-"to to to to today junior"

Old School-"Ok time to answer a question from the guy who probably wont get in"

THORN

ghostbusters
"where do these stars go?"
"they go up."

they live
"i'm here to do two things, kick ass and chew bubble gum..... and I'm all out of gum!!!!"

the princess bride
"hello. I am Inigo Montoya. you killed my father, prepare to die!"

american wedding
"well pollish my balls and serve me a milkshake"

jackie brown
"AK-47 ... when you absolutly have to kill every mother*****er in the room, accept no substitute."

talemyn

Another one from Billy Madison . . . "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

smirnoff

Xmen
Wolverine: "What do they call you... wheels?"

Star Wars Guy

The entire Star Wars is racist segment in Chasing Amy.

"Yo f*** Lando Calrissian......"

"What's a Nubian? Bitch you almost made me laugh."

neojames

from Meet the Parents...

"You smoke pot, Focker?"

wendersfan

From Annie Hall:

Alvie: I can't do it, because I'm anal.

Annie: "Anal's" just a polite word for what you are.

garolo

But the ending of that line makes it even funnier in a bizarre insult way.
"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

It's even funnier when you say it with an outraaageous French accent.

Charlie Goose

I won't fill up this post with a million possible Abbott & Costello lines, but here's one of my favorites.

In Society - The Susquehanna Hat Company bit
Woman assaults Lou Costello and screams, "My husband's dead! Oh, he's dead, he's dead!"
Costello "He ain't dead lady! He's HIDIN', that guy!"

The Exterminator - Not known for funny lines, obviously.
"I think you'd better go take a shit. It's coming out of your mouth instead of your a$$hole."

Ghostbusters
Ernie Hudson "Tell him about the twinkie."
Bill Murray "What about the twinkie?"

daniel18

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring;
Boromir: It is a gift.

bigsoos

nobody's done Full Metal Jacket yet?

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: "Hell I like you, you can come over to my house and f0k my sister!"

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: "How tall are you private?"
Private: "5'9" sir!"
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: "5-foot-9 I didn't know they stacked $hit that high!"

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: "Your a$$ looks like about 150 lbs of chewed bubblegum, Pyle, you know that?"

Tarantino

Another...

"I'll bet you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!"

Another one of my favs...

"Olaf...metal!" - Jay, Clerks

RobCA

Beetlejuice:
"Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister."

Addams Family Values:
Debbie: "These Addams men... where do you find them?"
Morticia: "It has to be damp."

Death Becomes Her: (admittedly, only funny in context)
"Do you remember where you parked the car?"

and just about any line from Airplane!

Rob

Rypro 525

Hey baby, do you get your ass h*le licked by a fat man in an overcoat. Jay and Silent Bob strike back

talemyn

Inspired by the fact that the scene is playing on Fox right now . . .

Happy Gilmore

Grandma: "Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep."
Orderly: "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Look at the name tag . . . you're in my world now, grandma."

Crocker Jarmen

From The Producers:

"Hitler vas a better dresser, had more hair, told funnier jokes, und he could dance the pants off Churchill!"