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View Full Version : ROFL!!! Jokes thread!! (Mature?)


Wazootyman
07-21-01, 12:56 AM
What do you get when you combine the news and a paper??
Newspaper!!!

Why don't airlines allow dogs to fly on their planes??
Because they don't wanna have to keep giving out frequent "woof" miles

What is black and white?
A Blackboard being drawn on!

Who was the most feared of all pirates?
Blackbeard!

How many aliens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I dunno, you tell me, Mulder!

What's pink and panther shaped?
An Insulation seller!

If you want anymore, I'd be very glad to post em!

vaporware
07-21-01, 01:01 AM
I can honestly say that those are the worst jokes i've ever read. That's really bad considering i'm drunk right now.

McHawkson
07-21-01, 01:08 AM
Are you on crack?!?

FREEJG
07-21-01, 01:13 AM
LOL! Those jokes are great. I can't wait to tell all my friends! I especially like the Aliens one. Totally classic.

Actually, the funniest part is your (mature?) tag. I'm hysterical over here.

BigStinky
07-21-01, 01:23 AM
Originally posted by vaporware
I can honestly say that those are the worst jokes i've ever read. That's really bad considering i'm drunk right now.

:)

Did you get those off a bubble gum wrapper?

ravan
07-21-01, 02:28 AM
Those are HORRIBLE!!!

ClarkKentKY
07-21-01, 02:58 AM
Who was the most feared of all pirates....
Blackbeard.... .... .... ..... ....

Yeah, then what!?!?!

... This reminds me of a Cosby episode. :)


Krusty the Clown: "Well Kent, i've found its not dirty words that get the biggest laugh, its words that SOUND dirty... like muckluck.... you like that, muckluck"

Hero
07-21-01, 03:53 AM
ummm... those suck dude..

jfoobar
07-21-01, 06:41 AM
What's black, white, and red and can't walk through a door?
A nun with a spear through her head.

twikoff
07-21-01, 06:55 AM
:rolleyes:

Brash
07-21-01, 04:08 PM
What I don't get is how he could come up with such great material, and is not yet swimming through his riches (no doubt earned from his stand-up job) as if he were Scrooge McDuck. I hope you're smart enough to NOT put a big dollar sign on your money bin, like Scrooge did. What a fool. That's just an invitation to ALL the burglers in town, INCLUDING the Beagle Boys, to just steal all of your riches.

Boot
07-21-01, 06:00 PM
I laughed. I cried. I fudged my undies.

twikoff
07-21-01, 06:43 PM
Originally posted by Boot
I laughed. I cried. I fudged my undies.
:yack:

The Cow
07-21-01, 06:57 PM
Gotta add one to the worlds worst jokes thread...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide...

AGuyNamedMike
07-21-01, 07:01 PM
Originally posted by JustinS
What's black, white, and red and can't walk through a door?
A nun with a spear through her head.

related riddle:

What's red, white, and silver and goes tink... tink?
A baby with forks in his eyes bumping into the wall.

Kevin H
07-21-01, 07:41 PM
Hmm these are the worst jokes I've ever heard.

jfoobar
07-21-01, 08:45 PM
Why did the pervert cross the road?

because his d!ck was stuck in the chicken.

Thanks folks! I'm here all week!

taliboubou
07-21-01, 09:22 PM
How did Pinocchio find out he was made out of wood?
<table border="0"><tr><td bgcolor="#000000"><font face="verdana" size="2" color="#000000">His hand caught on fire!</font></td></tr></table>

BigStinky
07-21-01, 10:49 PM
A guy walks into a bar

"Ow!"

mjquilly
07-22-01, 12:33 AM
why do women have babies?

because it's painful and they deserve it

Three Day Delay
07-22-01, 12:37 AM
Originally posted by JustinS
What's black, white, and red and can't walk through a door?
A nun with a spear through her head.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........you just made me go to the restroom prematurely.

smclucas
07-22-01, 09:02 AM
What's more enjoyable than losing a baby in long grass?

Finding it with a lawnmower

What's more enjoyable than spinning a baby around on a clothesline at 100mph?

Stopping it with a spade

Apologies...

Simon

vaporware
07-22-01, 09:27 AM
Amateurs. If you want bad jokes, these are bad jokes!!!




How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone

bothanspy
07-23-01, 12:17 AM
Originally posted by JustinS
What's black, white, and red and can't walk through a door?
A nun with a spear through her head.

Winner of my new signature!

BSPY

xx5354xx
07-23-01, 12:36 AM
Are you Bob Saget?

ravan
07-23-01, 12:39 AM
Whats red and green and spins around and around?

A frog in a blender

Wazootyman
07-23-01, 01:09 AM
Hmmm, it seems like many of you are trying to pervert my good natured jokes. Sure, Vaporware was trying with his good natured and laughable jokes, however everyone else is just naughty!

Here's one my brother told me...

How did the duck feel about flying south for the winter?
Fan-BIRD-tastic!!

And here's one I got out of Highlights for kids!

"Didja hear about the new courderoy pillow covers?"
"Nope"
"Hmmmmm, that's odd, they're making headlines"

:lol: :lol: LOL!!!! :lol: :lol:

Lethal Nemesis
07-23-01, 01:17 AM
:lol: These are the types of jokes that are funny because they're so stupid. More more more! :lol: :)

mjquilly
07-23-01, 01:25 AM
Why did the Canadian trip over his shoes in the morning?

He didn't have his contact in yet!!!!

mjquilly
07-23-01, 01:29 AM
What do you call the female child of the woman who helps you while you're pregnant? Also the woman is from Boston and the child is sort of oddly tall shaped.

- My doula's oblong daughtah.

more can be found here (http://www.louisck.com), click on "bad jokes"

Wazootyman
07-24-01, 11:45 PM
Originally posted by ClarkKentKY
Who was the most feared of all pirates....
Blackbeard.... .... .... ..... ....

Yeah, then what!?!?!

... This reminds me of a Cosby episode. :)


Krusty the Clown: "Well Kent, i've found its not dirty words that get the biggest laugh, its words that SOUND dirty... like muckluck.... you like that, muckluck"

(I really hate explaining comedy [sigh]) You see. Blackbeard would destroy many villages, and rape the women. Thus, this made him the most feared!

NotThatGuy
07-25-01, 12:09 AM
Originally posted by Finster5000



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........you just made me go to the restroom prematurely.

This has always been one of my favorites :) Thanks for making me laugh out loud, even though i had a crappy day.

-pedagogue

Wazootyman
09-23-01, 08:19 PM
Oooh oooh, I got another one!! (It's a knock knock joke this time)

Knock knock

Who's there?

Kevin!

Kevin who?

Kevin we go out an play now??

Tsar Chasm
09-23-01, 08:40 PM
What do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk

WhoGirl
10-08-01, 01:14 AM
Originally posted by mjquilly
why do women have babies?

because it's painful and they deserve it

That is very offensive. :grunt:

Thunderball
10-08-01, 01:24 AM
Originally posted by WhoGirl


That is very offensive. :grunt:

Eh,it definately wasn't very tasteful.

uberjoe
10-08-01, 01:28 AM
I thought it was pretty funny, for the same reason the others are funny: it's stupid, and obviously stupid.

WhoGirl
10-08-01, 01:31 AM
Originally posted by uberjoe
I thought it was pretty funny, for the same reason the others are funny: it's stupid, and obviously stupid.
Yeah, well you're not a woman. He was basically saying that women deserve to be in pain, and I found that to be extremely offensive.

uberjoe
10-08-01, 01:34 AM
True, I am not a woman. Also, I understood the joke. Still, I think it is funny due to its stupidity. No one got mad about the nun with a spear in her head joke, and I'm sure we have at least a few Catholics here. And what about the dead baby jokes? No fuss there.

Thunderball
10-08-01, 01:43 AM
Oh, I forgot to mention, the original jokes were the most horrid jokes I've ever heard

Static Cling
10-08-01, 01:49 AM
Mods, can you revoke Wazootyman's "Senior Member" status for bringing those horrible jokes to the Otter? :)

Maybe we need a separate "tasteless jokes" thread? I have the ultimate tasteless joke, but I don't think I want to post it in here. Or anywhere in the forum, for that matter... don't wanna get <b>[BANNED]</b>.

http://communities.msn.com/_Secure/0PwAgAKQTPqkO1dr*q6Epi6Vg*hhUa0hDISa7u3u5FR*sG3fR8jGR8V6J!oPgfMjmGxaxFE5dAAgfjNZmHZJp4AOLBgCuv*Oy/frankie.gif

hawley
10-08-01, 01:50 AM
What goes "Mark! Mark!"

I dont know how to do the blackout thing so...
...... a dog with a hairlip


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a tree?
I dont know how to do the blackout thing so...
...... Barry


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hangin on the wall?
I dont know how to do the blackout thing so...
...... Art


What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hangin on the wall?
I dont know how to do the blackout thing so...
...... Curt 'n Rod

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
I dont know how to do the blackout thing so...
...... Left his foot on the gas

What do ya get when you put four lepers in a hot tub?

I dont know how to do the blackout thing so...
...... porridge


I could go on but gotta go to bed, hehehe

:lol:

uberjoe
10-08-01, 01:53 AM
What's brown and sticky?

a stick!

Jeremy517
10-08-01, 01:56 AM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead

How did the man break his leg while raking leaves?

He fell out of the tree

mjquilly
10-08-01, 02:23 AM
(replying to the compliants in this thread)

Geez, I thought it was understood that these are jokes, since this thread is named "ROFL!!! Jokes thread!! (Mature?)

If the title was something else, it would have went:

Why do women have babies?

Because they produce eggs which are fertilized by the male sperm and then form an embryo in the uterus which will eventually develop into a living child and be born.

Abranut
10-08-01, 02:25 AM
What did the farmer say when someone stole his tractor?

Hey! Someone stole my tractor!

uberjoe
10-08-01, 02:32 AM
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
Because they have no attachments.

What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

hotaru_san
10-08-01, 03:50 AM
What's grosser than gross?
eight babies in a trashcan.

What's grosser than that?
one baby in eight trashcans.
sorry,
http://www.ameritech.net/users/dvdtalk/saturn.gif

robertmee
10-08-01, 08:48 AM
Well, since we are on tasteless baby jokes:

What's purple and squirms in the corner:
Baby in a ziplock

What's black and taps on the window:
Baby in a microwave

What's easier to unload, a truck full of babies or bowling balls:
Babies, you can use a pitchfork

And how about the classic mommy, mommy jokes?

Mommy, Mommy why am I going around in circles?
Shutup or I'll nail your other foot down

Mommy, Mommy I'm tired. Why do we have to go see Daddy in Europe?
Shutup and keep rowing

And Helen Keller Jokes:

How did Helen Keller burn her face:
She answered the Iron

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants:
So you can read her lips

Why does Helen Keller Masturbate with only one hand:
So she can moan and groan with the other


I've got millions of these tastless tasties ;)

robertmee
10-08-01, 08:52 AM
And don't forget the Mary Jane jokes:

Mary Jane and her boyfriend went to the movies.
Mary Jane and her boyfriend sat next to each other.
Mary Jane's boyfriend put his arm around her.
Mary Jane's boyfriend put his hand down her pants.
Mary Jane, laughed and laughed and laughed.

Cause she knew her money was in her sock.

Mary Jane and her Grandmother was walking to the store.
Mary Jane's Grandmother saw a Quarter laying in the road.
Mary Jane's Grandmother went out to the street to get the Quarter
Mary Jane's Grandmother got hit by a car
Mary Jane laughed and laughed and laughed.

Cause she knew it was only a nickel

Mary Jane was playing in the Garage
Mary Jane set the Garage on fire
Mary Jane's mom came out of the House.
Mary Jane's mom scolded her and said "Wait till your Daddy gets home"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed and laughed.

Cause she knew her Daddy was in the garage

Thank you, Thank you. No applause, just throw money :D

Da Thrilla
10-08-01, 09:06 AM
Originally posted by Boot
I laughed. I cried. I fudged my undies.

SWEET! -biggrin-

Simply put, btw

dvdsteve2000
10-08-01, 10:40 AM
...A baby seal walks into a club...

grunter
10-08-01, 10:59 AM
What's the difference between Jerry Falwell and a terrorist?

400 pounds and a plane ticket.

Charlie Goose
10-08-01, 11:36 AM
How do you make a woman have an orgasm?
Who cares?

What do you call a rabbit who has never been outside?
An ingrown hare.

What did one chick say to another chick when their mother hen laid an orange instead of an egg?
"Look at the orange marmalade!"

What did the mayonaisse say when the refrigerator was opened?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

If two is company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine.

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
Oh, skip it.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Oh, it's over your head.

Doctor: "It looks like you have a nasty cut on your earlobe. WHat happened?"
Patient: "I bit myself."
Doctor: "On the ear? How the heck did you do that?"
Patient: "I was standing on a chair at the time."

Thunderball
10-08-01, 11:45 AM
these jokes keep getting worse

robertmee
10-08-01, 11:56 AM
How do you make a hanky dance?
Put a little boogie in it

Did you hear the joke about the Peach?
It's pitiful

hawley
10-08-01, 12:15 PM
Why are stick people extinct?























































http://www.wellsitegas.com/stickpeople.gif

rotfl :lol:

robertmee
10-08-01, 12:17 PM
Originally posted by hawley
Why are stick people extinct?























































http://www.wellsitegas.com/stickpeople.gif

rotfl :lol:

That's the funniest thing I've seen yet
rotfl rotfl rotfl rotfl rotfl

Iron Chef
10-08-01, 12:18 PM
rotfl rotfl @ the stick figures

Five Cent Deposit
10-08-01, 01:01 PM
Originally posted by The Cow
Gotta add one to the worlds worst jokes thread...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide...

Why did the chicken cross the fairground?

To get to the other ride!

Five Cent Deposit
10-08-01, 01:15 PM
Mommy, Mommy, what happened to all of your scabs?

Shut the hell up and finish your cornflakes!

kinky
10-08-01, 01:20 PM
Knock knock
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; who's there ?
Impatient Cow
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Impatien....
Moooo, Moooo !!!!

schizopak
10-08-01, 01:35 PM
i hate you guys :D so, very wrong, but i can't stop laughing!

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

(how do you do that black bar thingy?)


... she had no arms.


my apologies.

minifigg
10-08-01, 02:04 PM
My Fave:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves??
Russell.
:D

Jepthah
10-08-01, 02:14 PM
My absolute favorite:

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?

If your name was "Aouhahpfftblgmrpfftwahhbfft" you'd commit suicide too! :D

JMLEWIS1
10-08-01, 02:50 PM
Here's one:

A guy comes home and finds wife naked and in bed with mens clothes everywhere. It's obvious to the guy that someone was just there. The guy goes crazy and throws the refrigerator out the window and then, being so distraught, jumps out after it and kills himself.

Jump to the gates of heaven. God asks the guy how he died and the guy tells him that he was so distraught after catching his wife cheating he threw a refrigerator out the window and then killed himself. God believes that to be a good enough reason to be admitted into heaven so he lets the guy in. the next guy in line steps up and God asks him how <i>he</i> died. The guys says that he was just walking down the street and got crushed by a falling refrigerator. God feels sorry for the guy and lets him in. The next guy steps up and God asks him how <i>he</i> died. The guy begins,"well, see, it all happened when I was in this refrigerator"...

ratguy
10-08-01, 03:18 PM
What's black and brown and looks good on a Lawyer?

A Doberman

Ratguy

Wazootyman
10-08-01, 11:23 PM
Originally posted by Static Cling
Mods, can you revoke Wazootyman's "Senior Member" status for bringing those horrible jokes to the Otter? :)

Maybe we need a separate "tasteless jokes" thread? I have the ultimate tasteless joke, but I don't think I want to post it in here. Or anywhere in the forum, for that matter... don't wanna get <b>[BANNED]</b>.

http://communities.msn.com/_Secure/0PwAgAKQTPqkO1dr*q6Epi6Vg*hhUa0hDISa7u3u5FR*sG3fR8jGR8V6J!oPgfMjmGxaxFE5dAAgfjNZmHZJp4AOLBgCuv*Oy/frankie.gif

Oh darn you Static!! Darn you to heck, they DID take away my Senior Member status, and forced me to become an Addict :( :( :(

Static Cling
10-09-01, 12:52 AM
Originally posted by kinky
Knock knock
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; who's there ?
Impatient Cow
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Impatien....
Moooo, Moooo !!!!

rotfl Oh, geez... forgot about that one. :)

Originally posted by Wazootyman
Oh darn you Static!! Darn you to heck, they DID take away my Senior Member status, and forced me to become an Addict

Man, first View, then you... all these other Senior Members are passing me by into Addict-land. I feel so alone... [looks around and shivers]

BTW, this may be the first time someone's ever "darned me to heck." :)

http://communities.msn.com/_Secure/0PwAgAKQTPqkO1dr*q6Epi6Vg*hhUa0hDISa7u3u5FR*sG3fR8jGR8V6J!oPgfMjmGxaxFE5dAAgfjNZmHZJp4AOLBgCuv*Oy/frankie.gif

feenst
01-19-02, 11:29 PM
Why will you never starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there

Da Thrilla
01-19-02, 11:36 PM
What is green and red and goes 100 mph?

A frog in a blender

Another woman joke, please don't get offended, it's all in fun :)


These are good ones: :D

Why don't women wear watches?

There's a clock on the stove

When do you know when a woman is about to say something right?

She starts the sentence with, "A guy told me once..."

:lol: :D

jw2299
01-20-02, 12:08 AM
Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
It's a genetic thing, so they can stand closer to the sink.

How do you torture Helen Keller?
put doorknobs on the walls.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she says "a man once told me...."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
none, it should be open by the time she brings it.


rotfl at all the previously posted bad jokes!

zuffy
01-20-02, 12:17 AM
what do Tigger see in the toliet?

Winnie the pooh

tygloalex
01-20-02, 02:58 AM
Didja hear about the guy that died while using a Q-Tip?

The phone rang

twikoff
01-20-02, 09:22 AM
Originally posted by jw2299
How do you torture Helen Keller?
put doorknobs on the walls.


or leave the plunger in the toilet