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Superman II- a critical review

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Superman II- a critical review

Old 05-07-01, 03:15 AM
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movie opens with the three villans breaking the neck of a security guard. then, in the ultimate act of seditious treason they break a glass tube full of red glitter in front of a blue screen.
because the BS set is so small they are immediately captured and exiled to the phantom zone by a poor marlon brando impersonator who is in a hurry to get all his lines in before the opening credits start.
after a montage of scenes where we are reminded how good the first film was, we open at the daily planet where it seems in the span of time from the end of the first film to this one, clark kent has turned from a slump shouldered rube in the big city, to a slump shouldered sniveling moron in the big city, who can't help someone carrying something thru a door, gets his thumb caught in a juice squeezer, and runs blindly into traffic, etc. this last bit is really curious because. when the impact on his steel body sends the engine block into the front seat, no one seems to connect that there is something special about this guy ...including lois lane who was on the sidewalk watching the whole thing. but of course they wouldn't...we're firmly in Lester-land, things like logic and motivation are jettisoned for a good ice cream scoop in the face gag. no, it takes accidently putting his hand in the fireplace for all of 2.14 seconds without evidence of a burn mark for her to become convinced he's made of steel. since her hairbrush didn't seem to melt either ( and it was in the fire even longer) i assume it was forged of steel, also. but i'm getting ahead of the plot.

so anyways the story is set into motion when a group of terrorists seize the eiffel tower. for some reason, perry white sent her there ( on a long transatlantic flight) w/ out telling her the terrorists had a hydrogen bomb to back up their threat. she acts completely surprised when an official speaking to a group of journalists mentions the bomb. proving that its always best, when giving your top reporters a major story to cover , to withhold the most useful and critical information. but her time on the transatlantic flight wasn't wasted since she spent it practicing her french. since this is such a serious international crisis we get to see the one lone guard at the base of the tower. Despite being involved in the most serious event of his career, he's easily fascinated to distraction by a $3.00 english-french dictionary, which lets our intrepid girl reporter sneak, wile e. coyote style , past him. anyways superman zips over there and stops the plummeting lift, then pitches it out into space where it explodes shattering a poorly drawn and animated version of the phantom zone prism. it's here that the first major problem occurs. Since we've already seen him fly so hard and fast the first time around , that he was able to turn the world back, why should it take him so long to fly to paris, ?
on earth gene hackman, wearing a good bald cap ( if you don't look at the sides too close) escapes from prison in a slow-moving and easily-seen-from-great-distances hot air ballon. Now, since all of Hackmans footage was shot by donner, this would seem to shoot a hole in the theroy that lester was the only one who screwed this movie up. versimilitude, indeed!
Let's see what else...lois and clark wind up in niagara falls where lois gets to wear puke green & pink polyester outfits. After the tragic fireplace incident, its off to the FoS, while on the moon the three villans destroy a tinfoil covered prop that was supposed to be a lunar lander. in this sequence, john ratzenberger, who also must have been owed money by the salkinds- since he was in the first movie too, shows up as a nasa contoller.
Zod and company finally make their way to earth, where he gets off the best thought-out line in the whole movie " i like the globe, it flashes red like our krypton sun, but not this irritating noise. make way!" superman gives up his powers so that he can wear his old prom shirt and slacks, and he and lois can take a nap on one of the old props from barbarella that salkind got a good deal on.

next the "action" moves to a small backlot where enough mayhem ensues to capture the worlds attention -i.e. a diner is destroyed by poorly drawn animated flames ( i detect a trend here), and an hermaphroditic kid with an english accent and it's father are threatened all before the most inept military assault in history is staged.
other highlights in this act include the "i couldn't go anywhere where i was expected to eat fish/i think i'll have the fish" conversation. is it too late to say, that even by fantasy movie standards, this film is just plain stupid and insulting?
Soon, they all show up in the big city. have a poorly composited fight in front of cutty sark and marlboro product placements, and wind it up with a big blow job and 'hilarious' comic bits like a toupee blowing off a guys head, the aforementioned ice-cream in the face, a roller disco skater (who's so funny his scene is shot from 2 angles), a person who keeps talking on the payphone even though it's the middle of a torrential windstorm, and the phone has been ripped free of its power line.

etc
etc
etc

aside from Terrance stamp, sarah douglas and gene hackman (whos always worth watching) this movie is an complete embarassment. i can't figure out why it's so highly regarded among fans. for people who derided the a/v quality of the dvd, this transfer is miles ahead of the LD and probably better than this film deserved. i don't even bother ragging on 3 and 4, cause after seeing this as a kid, i knew not to expect anything good, but this movie...so much potential flushed down the crapper.

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